My crush now appears to like me - what's he up to?

[witteringon]

I am single, 40s, no kids, decided after my last relationship that I preferred being single and have been happily so for the past 10 years.

But there's a man who I work with - also in his 40s, married for a long time - who I have always liked, and thought that if he were single and I was interested in relationships, he'd be just my type. I never got the impression that he was into me at all though.

Then last autumn he just said out of the blue that he had moved out of his house and had to make a decision whether to separate from his wife. This triggered a massive crush - I guess because he was suddenly potentially available. I read up here on the Relationships board about similar situations and worked out that he almost certainly had an OW. So I decided to just try to get rid of the crush. Avoided him as much as I could, tried not to think about him, didn't ask him or anyone else any questions about his personal life. I just wanted him out of my head. He may have noticed the crush as I was very awkward around him for a while. I also lost a lot of weight, but credited this to a diet

We have a mutual friend who he confides in, who later dropped hints to me about a 'girlfriend', so it looks like there is in fact an OW.

He then moved to a branch in another town - the story was that it was so he could move in with his brother who lives there, although I imagine it was to be with the OW. He still has to come in to our branch sometimes though.

So six months have passed and my crush had petered out, but lately when he's in our office he's been very very friendly with me. I thought I was possibly imagining the flirting until another coworker made a sarcastic comment to him (like 'you obviously want a shag'). So now he's back in my head again.

So what's the most likely situation now?

He has no interest in doing anything, but wants to get me crushing on him again for the ego boost?

He wants a fling when he's working in our town, whilst still in a relationship with the OW? He probably thinks I don't know about her.

He's splitting from the OW and looking for a new GF? (If only...)

I could try getting information from the mutual friend, but I'm worried that this would be showing my hand.

I think I should just try to forget about him again and possibly find someone outside work to have a fling with, to get it out of my system.

Convince me

[AnyFucker]

Better luck in finding one that is less of a nobber

[Hissy]

Bloody good for you girl!: )

[witteringon]

Well, I've given myself a metaphorical slap and am going to look into online dating. I think Hissy's right about looking at it as an 'awakening', rather than actually being about him. Whatever his situation, it's probably best that I just de-crush again and get out more.

Thanks for the comments and advice everyone.

[AnyFucker]

What are you hankering after this tool for ?

You sound like a teenager playing guessing games, does he/doesn't he blah blah blah

Give yourself a slap and stop acting like a lovestruck dolt, I suspect you are making yourself look rather silly.

[Ormiriathomimus]

Hmmm.....sounds like a real catch

[Bogeyface]

He's splitting from the OW and looking for a new GF? (If only...)

So you could be the next woman he cheats on? I am not from the "once a cheater, always a cheater" school, but I do think that you would be a fool to not look at his history and draw some conclusions.

He has done it once which means he is capable of cheating. He is flirting with you despite being (as far as you know) "taken". Your friend is trying to warn you off him, and I think you should listen to the warning. You work with him but your friend is his confidante so presumably knows a lot more than you do.

I agree that you should take this as a sign of your reawakening, but also as a warning!

[badinage]

Some men who earn a lot hide their money and expect the state to pick up the tab. But really, how is it unreasonable for a parent to put a roof over their children's heads? I don't really get this business of men leaving behind a 'house that they've bought'. Most couples buying houses jointly pay for the mortgage while both are working and if the agreement is that one stays home to look after their children, it's only fair that the person making that earning sacrifice is recompensed afterwards. It's also no surprise that some men are struggling financially post-divorce because like I said earlier for most people earning an ordinary income, divorce nearly always means financial loss for men and women. Look at how many women post on this board about how unhappy they are, but their lack of financial independence deters them from leaving? However the stats. show that women do leave to be on their own and that they are less likely to end a marriage for another love interest than men in the same boat. I think that's got more to do with men not wanting to manage a house and children on their own than finances because monetarily, women are statistically worse off post-divorce than men.

[allaflutter]

if he earns a lot, I don't think she can get the benefits based on his payments. It's a complex issue - in cases where say wife had a affair and H left, he still pays her maintenance (not only for child) if she doesn't earn so it can also be unfair on the man while she stays in the house he may have bought, but I also hear of low-eraning men who aer really struggling post-divorce and luve in some timy flats - if he was an arsehole fair enough but if divorce wasn't his fault that's also unfair. Seems like it's better to be either wealthy or low-income for splitting couples, rather than somewhere in the middle..But the whole financial mess does stop men just leaving, many tend to tolerate things unless there is something to really motivate them (ow, or something else incompatible with family life).

[badinage]

Regettably, a lot of departing spouses pay the bare minimum i.e. CSA limits, which go nowhere near the actual cost of raising a child, let alone pay for childcare so that the primary carer can work. There's sometimes a temporary financial adjustment based on the departing spouse's ability to pay, for the primary carer to get back on her feet and find work/childcare but the person who's given up work and has lost out on a career is always going to be more financially disadvantaged over a lifetime than the person who's had an uninterrupted working life. In my view it's also totally wrong that a departing parent expects the benefit system to pay for his children and their care.

[allaflutter]

but wouldn't the single parent (who divorced) have to pay for that childcare if the primary carer (wife mostly) is either workking patr time or staying at home? if she's sahm with a smal child and can argue that she can't get a well paid job (i.e. never had one before) then he has to maintain her and child at least for a while, plus she can claim something or work part time) - it's ironically worse for higher=paid women who hire childcare and pay most bills after H left - unless again he earnd a lot more.

[badinage]

I think a lot of that is old hat nowadays. Spousal maintenance and the primary carer keeping the house until the kids are independent are quite rare now actually. I wish you were right about younger men being prepared to do their own domestic work, but the threads on this board suggest otherwise......

Unless in a situation of wealth, both men and women lose out financially after a divorce - but especially the person who's left as the primary carer for whom earning money is difficult because of childcare. All the studies show that over an average lifetime, women suffer more financial losses after divorce than men. The trend towards shared parenting might equalise those losses a bit more, but it's much easier for a single parent to work and earn money if a new partner or ex partner are looking after the children, because paid childcare is so expensive.

[allaflutter]

yes, and I wasn't talking about 'all women'', badinage, but the law remains such that a mother with a child up to 16/17 gets the family flat/house (unless the father was main child carer while she worked, still a small minority), whereas the man has to leave - indeed that also for him means doing domestic chores but I'd say that's not a younger man's worry anymore as they tend to get married late these days and look after themselves for a while before marriage. Also I did say, exception for the wealthhy (both sides). For the average woman there is still SECURiTY just in case she doesn' earn enough or she becomes unwell or the child becomes unwell, that exH has to pay child maintenance. I'm coverung the average here, not a dozen of more unusual cases where exH is a bankrupt etc,etc. A man looses out financially when leaving and while he doesn't have to fund the OW's lifestyle, she's likely to own a property, either as a decent rental where he contributes, or property that HER ex left her (esp if she has dc). Plus OW may motivate him to take risks and to feel he's not losing out for nothing. The fact remains (so far) that majority of married men leave when there is an ow, whereas women leave often to be by themselves.

[badinage]

Yes, men don't like going off by themselves mainly because - they have to leave family home, pay wife and kids and they have nothing to live on (rent/buy) unless very wealthy. So it makes all the sense that they will wait for an ow first.

Well that would only be logical if the OW had enough money of her own to fund his lifestyle, otherwise why would it 'only make sense' to leave if there was an OW?

There is of course the rather avant-garde option of leaving an unhappy marriage with dignity, without lies and then living on one's own.

But then of course such men would have to do all their own domestic tasks and look after their children on their own......and that would never do, would it?

I think you'll find that's why men in particular wait until there's another woman before leaving home.

Whereas women leave marriages for all sorts of reasons and they certainly don't all live off their ex husbands or the benefit system.

[allaflutter]

Bear in mind, OP, that ow might have finished with him, so he could be free. She could also have never been serious gf, just a rebound after a bad marriage.

[allaflutter]

I understand what you are saying OP - I'm also puzzled my the black-and-white mentality on MN that once a cheater always a cheater. But in fast there IS a type of situation when marriage is stale and unloving on both sides and then a man (or a woman) cheats and leaves, in these cases there is no shock to the spouse. Obviously sometimes it's a one-sided unhappiness, but I also cringe that on MN no one considers the mutual unhappiness when it's a matter of time. My father divorced my mother early on because OW got pregnant but also really even my Mum concedes that they married vey young and were wrong for each other - not that it wan't painful for her. He married OW and lived with her for 15 or so yrs but later admitted that marriage was only happy for 4 yrs, and they slept in sep rooms for the last 5yrs as I visited and knew about this (had a DD together). The marriage was a shell where my father lost all imterest in his wife for various reasons and lived like neighbours - THEN the OW appeared (at his workplace) and put an effort towards him even though he wasn't confident as she was younger, and they've ended up together. Wife kicked up a big fuss financially and got what sge wanted but she knew full well marriage was over a while ago. Now he's been with this new woman for 8yrs and everyoine can see that they ARE really com[atible unlike his previous wives - ther is no way on earth he'll cheat on her as their r-ship is solid, and yes, he's much older than he was before but still. He couldn't divorce once he net ow but before getting involved because wife WOULDN'T agree to divorce so they just went to live together, so according to mn logic he's just a cheat and a bad person. Well neither he nor his prev wife are bad but they had a bad r-ship, and he was absolutel right to go with OW (and paid with a mild heart attack even). Yes, men don't like going off by themselves mainly because - they have to leave family home, pay wife and kids and they have nothing to live on (rent/buy) unless very wealthy. So it makes all the sense that they will wait for an ow first. When a woman leaves marriage, esp with child she CAN be living on her own more realistically as exH pays and leaves them the flat/house - at worst she can get benefits and accomodation fron the state.
As to your guy - I think you have to let him ask you out if he wants to, but don't rush into things, getto know his situation. Nothing wrong with slightly encouraging him with smiling etc., if he's already paying you attention. he may well be single now.

[Hissy]

OK then, but then this crush is a SIGN to you. It is the awakening of you.

It's not about HIM per se, it's about the idea of a man that DOES deserve you. You know that he is not good enough for you, and you know that you don't need to stoop to picking up a cheat for a boyf.

What this is, is a message to you to remind you what it feels like to be attracted to and desire someone.

You know that you can be single and happy, and that in itself gives great strength. Now that you have learned to be YOU, and to be happy with yourself, the big wide world is saying to you that you can't keep all that wonderfulness to yourself! You are ready for the next stage in your life!

How about getting back into dating, and filtering out the undesirables, you have the power and nous to do that now.

By allowing yourself to get hung up on someone that turned your head, you haven't seen that this person is merely a representation of what you need to be doing next.

[witteringon]

I do think he left for an OW. Sorry, I didn't mention this before but there are a few other things that the mutual friend has said which point to this, but are a bit tenuous - I think he was kind of trying to tell me without telling me, IYKWIM.

But you are correct that I have no hard information.

[bingodiva]

sounds like he wasnt happy with his marriage and left and then someone else came along. if he is very quiet and his flirting obvious doesnt sound like he is a player... you, and some other people on here, seem to have focussed on all the negative stuff and made him out to be a bad person because he left his marriage so of course it must be his fault after all hes a man

[witteringon]

MsCellophane I hadn't read your post before writing my last one (slow typer).

I did a lot of research initially to find out what the various scenarios were - and there did just seem to be the one.

And he has definitely had a gf in the last few months.

[witteringon]

badinage - He could have meant that. And if he is still with OW and asks me out that does indicate he's a serial cheater. Not good.

I'm still curious as to why all men who leave marriages seem to do it via affairs though. It's like there's not a good and bad set of marriage leavers: they are all the same.

[MsCellophane]

I would be finding out if there was a GF first, you are only assuming

I know lots of marriages that have ended without anyone else, especially long ones - mine was one of them. And I ended the marriage as I wasn't happy. The last person I dated ended his marriage as his wife had OM. Why assume he cheated?

[witteringon]

Hissy, I'm really not desperate for anyone. My problem is that I got a crush on him and it's completely thrown me. I know I need to forget him, really.

What I would really like is to go back to how I was this time last year. Single and happy with it. Maybe I should just give it more time.

[badinage]

Yeah but his wife might have insisted he moved out and then when he wouldn't give up the OW, forced his hand and gave him the order of the boot. That happens a lot. So what he might have meant was that he had to make a choice between the two relationships and because the OW one was all shiny and new, he was in lust and didn't want it to end, especially if he'd been found out.

Either way, this is a bloke who cheated on his wife and if he asks you out, is looking to cheat on the OW too.

What's to like?

[witteringon]

He said that he was deciding whether to leave or not. I suppose I just assumed that, if he was happy there, he wouldn't want to leave. I agree though, the marriage may have been happy until he had an affair. I don't know.