Opinions Please. Something's Not Right.

[CantShakeThisFeeling]

I'm a lurker but feel like I need to get this written down and ask for some perspectives as I am really worrying at the moment. I've been with DP for eighteen months, we are both in our early thirties. I love him and we have a lot of fun together but there are a few doubts that are starting to eat away at me.

I recently found out that he has a female friend who he has been keeping a secret from me and I don't know what to think about it. DP and I were sitting on the sofa watching a DVD when he got a text; from where I was sitting I could see his phone and I saw it was from a woman, with a name I didn't recognise. It was a platonic text which basically said: 'Hi, I've spoken to xxx and xxx, they are all up for drinks again soon.' I asked who she was and after much stuttering he admitted she was an old school friend but made a point of saying, 'but I don't really know her very well.' He was very defensive about her and kept saying she was 'a good mate' one minute, to 'she's just an acquaintance.' If he had given me a straight answer then I would have been OK with that but his vague responses gave me a gut feeling that something was wrong. I kept on probing (which I know makes me sound like an insecure loon) but the more I asked, the further he seemed to dig himself into a hole. Like he said he didn't know her name yet they had been friends since the age of 11 and he said the reason he hadn't introduced me to her was, firstly, because he thought I would be suspicious of their friendship (!) and so he didn't tell me about her, then he changed his mind and said it was because she was insignificant and not a 'real friend.' He then admitted he had always thought she was attractive and fancied her then instantly backtracked when he saw my face drop and since then is insistant that I imagined him saying that.

I said I found the situation odd and rather than suggest I meet her or do something to put my mind at rest he just said he would never speak to her again and that was the end of it. Since then he has never mentioned her except for when he is drunk and he will say things like: 'I was going to take you to [name of bar] but I won't because she goes there' and 'I swear I haven't seen her recently' - completely out of the blue statements that don't make any sense. He has now started interrogating me about my male friends and male colleagues even though he has met them all and knows they are no threat to our relationship. I feel like I can't trust him. Even though I don't have any proof he's up to no good I have a sick feeling in my stomach every day but I don't know why.

He is always wanting to know about my past sex life but he refuses to tell me anything about his previous relationships. He always says he can't remember any of their names or anything about them and I don't understand why he would do that. I don't think it is fair that he has to know every aspect of my life before I met him but he won't tell me a thing, he's like a closed book. He can be very rude at times as well, for example, whenever he has met any of my friends he will always comment on their appearance. His critique of my best friend was: 'Not a looker is she?' That's all he said. One of my other friends is 'fat;' another 'isn't very pretty.' He never mentions their personality, it is always what they look like and I find that odd and hurtful.

I feel like he wants me to be kept well away from his social life; I've met all his friends and they know we're in a relationship but in public he is very different from how he is behind closed doors when it's just the two of us. When we've been out to parties or to dinner with his friends and their girlfriends he either has a face like a slapped arse for the whole night or he gets blind drunk. It's as though he likes to pretend that he doesn't give a shit about me yet behind closed doors he can be the most loving man, giving me compliments and saying nice things.

I also met his work colleagues for the first time the other day and most of them didn't have a clue he even had a girlfriend despite the fact we live together! I felt upset by this because DP always tells me that he talks about me constantly at work...clearly not. I've tried talking to him about this but he just tells me I'm too sensitive/paranoid/insecure or his current favourite is telling me that I 'imagine things.' Is he right? Is this all just a totally ridiculous figment of my imagination and our relationship is fine? Or am I shacked up with a bad apple here?! If anyone could give me their opinion I would really appreciate it. Thanks in advance.

[AnyFucker]

If my husband was texting another woman to effectively complain about me I would be beyond furious.

Where has she got the word "frosty" from, matana ?

Where (or who) do you think she has got an impression of your behaviour from ?

I suggest a strongly worded conversation with your husband, and this time be very much more explicit about what your expectations are. It seems leaving it to his own conscience last time has backfired on you in that he has ignored your distress and done what the fuck he likes

Then, if he carries on this stupid behaviour you have your "concrete" justification to kick his arse out the door should you wish it

[Charbon]

Deleting texts and having a secret relationship is something concrete though. You don't know for a fact that nothing physical has happened either.

It's not unreasonable at all to feel discomfited by a monogamous partner having a secret relationship that he promised to end and sharing intimate details of your life with that woman and hiding it.

This is different to your friendship with the ex because presumably you're not hiding and deleting your interactions, your husband doesn't feel threatened by it and if he was hurt by it and asked you to cease contact, you'd either agree to that and stick by it or refuse but not hide it and lie to him about that.

[matana]

A suspected emotional affair is such a head fuck though isn't it? I mean, i have no doubt that she's not interested in him and, furthermore, nothing has actually happened so i'm the one who ends up sounding/ feeling irrational, possessive, obsessive, and jealous. I still have feelings for my first boyfriend who i'm still friends with but i know it's not love and have no intention of acting on them. Why is that friendship any different?

Had he actually shagged the woman it would be easier to deal with - something concrete, rather than chasing shadows.

[Charbon]

I don't think stopping contact ever really addresses the core problem does it? You'd have had more hope of resolving this properly if he'd been more honest at the time about his feelings for his colleague. Because he denied this (possibly to himself too) he didn't erect proper boundaries around the friendship and even now, probably doesn't want to face up to the danger inherent in complaining about you to her or any difficulties you are facing. It might be that he has stronger feelings for her than she has for him and so the only reason this hasn't developed into an affair is because she is more boundaried than him. But that isn't a good outcome for you, because she might change her mind or other women in the future might not be as principled.

It's okay to admit you don't trust him and have therefore snooped. By the time someone has snooped, the trust has gone anyway and it's no use pretending otherwise. It is an understandable self-protective measure when we suspect we are being lied to or something to our detriment is being concealed.

The only benefit to him thinking you trust him when you don't is for you to find out more incriminating information isn't it? So I think your only options are to revisit this with him and insist he faces up to his feelings, or continue being vigilant which isn't a nice way to live.

[matana]

The argument wasn't about him texting her, it was unrelated to the situation. And her text actually said "sorry to hear that" rather than just "sorry" so i'm assuming he sent her a text saying that we'd had an argument.

[matana]

Hi charbon yes i agree it does. It first raised its head about six months ago and we had some very full, frank and open discussions then which culminated in him breaking off all text contact. This wasn't what i asked for, but i told him i thought he was developing feelings for her. He said he wasn't, but he acknowledged how it made me feel and opted to break off contact voluntarily rather than upset me. I am still not sure i believe he had no feelings towards her, but the main thing was that he saw how upset i was and stopped texting which spoke volumes.

The trouble is he works with her, so while i don't believe it progressed any further than friendship, they have still been in daily contact so he has a lot in common with her when things are going badly at work that i can't relate to.

So anyway, things had been going brilliantly again between us since then until maybe a week ago. I checked his phone (i know, i know) out of curiosity and saw that they'd been texting again recently. All really innocous stuff about work and issues my DH was having with his boss etc, but then a 'missing' text on the night we had an argument (which he'd obviously deleted when he sobered up), with a reply the following morning from her saying she was sorry and hoped i hadn't been too frosty with him.

I don't want to mention the texts i've read more recently because as far as he's concerned i trust him and the issue we had last year is over. I don't know how to raise it with him again without telling him i've been snooping.

[Charbon]

That sounds like an emotional affair at the very least matana. Have you told your husband how bad that makes you feel?

[matana]

Pleased to hear you're going to dump him. It's pretty straightforward in that even if he's not seeing the text woman, he's still a dick splash who denies being in a relationship. That in itself is enough to go on.

The text woman part of your description actually reminds me of my situation. I've seen the texts, they're just friendly and i certainly don't think the text woman wants anything more, but my DH is telling her just a little bit too much info for my liking (like when we argue he texts her, prompting replies like "sorry to hear that - i hope she wasn't too frosty with you this morning") and i believe he's seeking out her 'friendship' and feels a little too much towards her, whatever that means. The problem with my situation is that my DH is lovely, is openly loving and affectionate with me and we've been together for 10 years (and have a two year old sone together) making it all a bit more complicated.

Get out while your gut is talking and find someone who deserves you.

And sorry to hijack!

[AlfalfaMum]

Aside from all the other shitty behaviour, and the fact he clearly doesn't respect or like women in general, he tells you youre 'imagining things' and that my friend is sinister. Get out now. I bet all your friends and family will breathe a massive sigh of relief.

Oh, and it is him that's not good enough for you. Onwards and upwards :)

[Littleturkish]

Good for you!

He sounds like a class a dick.

When he begs for you back, disengage and ignore ignore.

You'll never be with anyone decent if you stay with someone substandard!

[Lavenderhoney]

Don't go thinking in some way you aren't good enough and this is why he behaves this way. Your post saying that worried me you would stay and try to accept this behaviour. Don't get bogged down trying to save something that frankly isn't worth saving. Do you really want more of this?

Have you got a friend you can stay with whilst you sort accomadation?

Wanting to know your history but not sharing his own is odd. And what you choose to share is up to you anyway. I wouldn't bother telling him why I was off tbh, exhausting and what will it change anyway? He might promise all sorts but just prolong you finding someone better.

[Charbon]

Good grief it's got nothing to do with you that he's like this. Misogynists like this would be that way with any woman because he quite simply regards them as less than human and only worth spending time with if their appearance matches his narrow definitions of attractiveness. I'm sure that when you dump him, your friends will breathe a huge sigh of relief and as long as they are sure you won't take him back, will at last feel able to tell you how creepy they found him and that they knew he was judging them. But friends don't always offer truthful opinions and often, aren't privy to the truth of what goes on behind closed doors. You've made an outstanding decision tonight and you should be proud of yourself that you acted swiftly and decisively. Just follow through and don't be sucked back in by any sweet talk.

[LemonDrizzled]

Well done CantShake you sound like such a nice sensible person who deserves a good man to love you. You need to get shot of this Loser and read some of the threads about Red Flags (and Losers) before venturing back into the world of dating.

The MN collective mind is rarely wrong! That is it's amazing power

[izzyizin]

You're not a mug, honey. He's the type that deals in sleight of hand and he's the mug for trying to con you into believing that he's good enough for a woman like you.

[GothAnneGeddes]

Binning him off is definitely the best decision here.

[tallwivglasses]

No, you're not a mug. you'd be a mug to stay but you know that, which is why you're dumping him. He doesn't even deserve an explanation. Prepare for nastiness. It'll just be those true colours shining in all their 'glory'.

[Hissy]

Good for you love, dumping his arse is the very best thing to do here!

[AnyFucker]

The only thing worse than staying for 18 months, is staying for 18 months and one day

Leave tomorrow, and don't look back

[CantShakeThisFeeling]

Izzy The tenancy is in his name so it should be straightforward for me to move out.

I am most definitely going to dump his sorry arse; I've been an idiot to stay as long as I have and all of the replies on here have confirmed that. You must all think I'm a complete mug Thank you again for the advice, it is much appreciated.

[izzyizin]

I love him What's to love? His lack of respect for you? His lack of loyalty to you? His lack of social graces?

[TurnipCake]

I think what really hurts is knowing that he is actively portraying himself as a single man to others while keeping me on the back burner - does that mean that he thinks he could do a lot better than me? I can't help but feel that I'm just not good enough otherwise he'd have no need to behave like this

No. No, no, no and no again. I promise it's not you. Whatever messed up stuff he can't deal with that makes him behave like a douche has nothing to do with you.

[AnyFucker]

You are not this desperate for a man, are you ?

[MarilynValentine]

Agree with all the previous posters! He sounds dreadful, and you should get out before you waste any more time.

He's deceitful. And his responses to meeting your friends ('not a looker' etc) are unforgivable - superficial and disrespectful to the point of stupidity.

[morethanpotatoprints]

He can't remember the names of his past girlfriends
He is either lying or they didn't mean that much to him so he wasn't bothered.

He acts like you aren't together when you are out
Does he tell his colleagues, mates etc you are a friend who takes him home when he's had too many?

Text friend this is very dubious, even if innocent, he's not being honest.

[izzyizin]

There nothing wrong with you, honey, but there's a fuck of a lot wrong with him.

Pleae don't fall into the trap of thinking you're not good enough for a tosser man who's not good enough for you.

And don't listen to any pleas, promises, and other blandishments he may make to get you to change your mind about dumping his sorry arse because he won't mean a word of them.

What will it take to disentangle yourself? Are you both named on a tenancy/mortgage agreement or is the property you share in one of your sole names?