I?m not sure where to start with this, but I?d like some anonymous opinions without having to give voice to what I?m thinking to anyone in RL just yet ? I?ve namechanged. I know this is going to be long so I apologise in advance. I?m also not sure this is where I should post this, so if you think there?s somewhere more appropriate then I?ll re-post. I?ve also had to change a few of the details or be vague so as I?m not recognisable.
I was severely physically, emotionally and sexually abused by my mother from the ages of about 2-14. I?ve had medical professionals tell me I?m ?lucky? to have survived some of the injuries, and my therapist said it was the worst case of abuse she had come across. I?ve had a lot of therapy for delayed-onset PTSD as a result of what happened. I?m in a much better and happier place, and largely of late I?ve felt a lot more content, like I?m not living in the past anymore etc although it?s been far from plain sailing and there have been blips along the way where I?ve really struggled, including one now. I have a wonderful happy family of my own with 3 young children and a fantastic husband who are very much my focus and drive.
7 years ago I started to experience dreadful pain all over my body. This coincided with the first symptoms of PTSD that came out. To cut a very long story short which involves mis-diagnoses, cocktails of medication whilst trying to raise a young family and deal with PTSD, I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, about a year ago. The diagnosis absolutely fits with what I experience ? largely in the form of widespread long-term pain, and fatigue as well as a lot of the side issues associated with the condition. Since the diagnosis my medication has been changed and I?ve seen massive improvement. However, I am still (and likely always will be) in daily pain that affects both me (mentally and physically) and my family.
The reason for this post is that as I?ve been doing more research in to Fibromyalgia I?m constantly coming across the link between it and PTSD (and in some research going as far as to directly implicate childhood abuse). I?m starting to find myself getting angry and upset that not only did I go through all that pain and trauma as a child, but as an adult trying to put it behind me, I?ve got a life-long pain condition that seems to be directly linked to what happened as a child. This is on top of other physical issues I live with daily because of the abuse e.g. I?m partially deaf as a result of a head injury.
I?ve never felt the need to hold my mother accountable before. I?ve felt it would be futile and wouldn?t change things, in fact might make them worse ? she (and my immediate childhood family) are in complete denial over what happened. History has been rewritten. My mother doesn?t drink like she did then. Lots of differences. But now I?m finding myself thinking surely she should be accountable for this? That I?ve got a lifelong medical condition caused by her treatment of me and the severe stress I went through. It affects me and it affects the people I care so much about now. I try very much to not let my PTSD or Fibromyalgia affect the family, and friends say I?m very good at it not, but it greatly affects me: I?m in pain all the time, I frequently suffer from fatigue (debilitating levels), and when the PTSD has been particularly bad I suffer from flashbacks and panic attacks, and have had real problems with anxiety. It?s like I can never get away from it.
To me it seems my mother is now living life knowing she got away with it ? that?s my opinion. My sister swings between thinking our mother can?t remember (she was an alcoholic), to asserting ?it wasn?t that bad?, and outright denial of things that happened. Although she did once have a tiny window (a few days) where she admitted her part in things, apologised, and acknowledged that she knew how one of my more severe injuries had happened (I couldn?t remember). To all intents and purposes my mother now lives a life a million miles away from what she was then. She is very wealthy through a highly successful career, she is very respected professionally, and ?on the surface? none of ?this? ever happened.
Since reading more about the Fibro and knowing it will affect me for the rest of my life (along with the trauma of the abuse albeit that is much improved through therapy) I?m finding myself wondering if I do want to confront her, and indeed seek compensation for the lifelong condition I?ve got as a result. Just writing that now and giving voice to that thought for the first time I?m thinking it?s mad and would bring more heartache for me, but is it even possible to effectively sue someone for ?causing? something like Fibromyalgia? I guess it couldn?t even be proved that it was her actions that caused it. I?m actually feeling quite bad about admitting I feel this ? I?m not after her money, it?s not about that, but since discovering about the Fibro it?s making me more angry about what happened than ?just? things like the PTSD and effects of injuries like my hearing.
I don?t know what to do with how I feel I guess and can?t stop thinking about it, I?ve been having flashbacks again, and my anxiety is quite bad. I have probably answered my own question there which kind of suggests maybe I need to take this back to therapy? but even that makes me angry ? where?s the money going to come from for that ? our family.
If you?ve managed to read all this and have any words of wisdom, I?d really appreciate it.
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32 replies
pukkapine · 24/02/2013 11:33
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