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Should one message this guy just for the sheer comedy value??

48 replies

lookslikeacoconut · 22/02/2013 15:29

On POF;
I am never knowingly in fashion. I have been described as a cross between The Duke of Wellington and Magnum PI. I go to the gym 12 times a day (14 times on weekends). Let's face it, I'm built like a brick shithouse. I have more tattoos than Edinburgh. My motorbike has more power than Geoff Capes. I speak with a disarmingly smooth French accent. I am an animal in bed (chinchilla). I have a portfolio of property that makes Kensington look like Billingham. I believe I can fly. I can fly. I taught Cliff Richard the secret of eternal youth. I look twice before crossing the road, sometimes thrice. I brush regularly - hair, teeth, pets (where applicable). I am an ex-member of the magic circle (still know the tricks). I never judge a book by its cover ? softback, hardback, e-book, whatever. I never judge a judge by her lover. I close all gates behind me, except in airports. I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth. I make any dinner feel a banquet. I am kind to dumb animals. I am dumb before kind animals, and afterwards. I never put the cart before the horse, or the chicken before the china shop. I let the tail wag the dog, and the dog lead the blind. In the land of the one eyed blinds-salesman I am king. I am the cloud in the silver lining, and the househusband with the pile of ironing, and the boy with the last ever bottle of empty white lightning. I am ad nauseum, ad infinitum. I am your buy-one-get-one-free cheapest item. I am a beta male. I am the tortoise on wheels, the turbo-charged snail. I love my mother. I wash daily (minimum). I eat up all my greens. I leave the legs on insects. I keep my eyes above, always above, a lady's neckline unless invited lower (in writing). I help old men across the road. This is what a feminist looks like. I keep my fingernails clean. I bite my fingernails. I no longer have any fingernails. I am all ears. I am more than just ears. I cannot tell a lie. I fillet, chop, dice, and slice. I never stop. I last a lifetime. I mow the lawn. I remove unwanted facial hair. I get rid of embarrassing spots. I deliver the pizza. I lengthen, and I strengthen. I can help get rid of your gambling debts, and quit smoking. I'm a friend, and a companion. I'm the only thing you will ever need. Follow my easy assembly instructions. I never need ironing. I take weights off hips, bust, thighs, chin, midriff. I can find you a new job. I can give you minty fresh breath. I can get rid of your traveler's checks. I'm new. I'm improved. I'm old-fashioned. I never need winding. I get rid of blackheads, and the heartbreak of psoriasis. I'm effective at getting rid of household odours. I disinfect, and sanitize for your protection. I am fully guaranteed. All money back if not completely satisfied. Your statutory rights are not affected.

Reviews:

"The thinking woman's Clive Dunn... what's not to like?" - Heat magazine
"The most eligible bachelor since Edward VIII fell for Mrs Simspon" - Tatler
"... girls are fainting in droves for this Teesside Adonis" - Evening Gazette
"Funnier than Gary Wilmot" - The Sun
"If you like him, you should put a ring on it" - Beyonce

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lookslikeacoconut · 23/02/2013 09:02

Emergency call - or the Escape Call phone app, for the more seasoned O dater ! :-)

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