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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

opp. sex friends + hubby

37 replies

awkwardawkward · 16/02/2013 19:28

Disclaimer: I 100% love my husband to pieces and am NOT even CONSIDERING having an affair, so no need to berate me

I've been working with this man for a couple of years or so now, in my job we are sort of paired together so 9 times out of 10, we work alone together. Obviously over this time I've got to know him and it's AMAZING how much we've got in common, really astonishing, he's like the male me. I don't find him sexually attractive, and we are both married with children and we've NEVER done anything even hinting at naughty (thought makes me cringe) and don't often see each other out of work, and certainly not without partners around too. But, I am increasingly aware of just how well we get on and think that if we were seen in a pub people would assume we are flirting/a couple because we just have such a rollicking good time IYSWIM?

I dunno how to handle it with my husband, there's nothing going on but I worry he thinks there is, because I catch myself talking about my friend/colleague so much! Wouldn't be an issue if it was a female friend, he just happens to be male. I'm not sure if hubby's noticed but sometimes I just sense that he's thinking 'wow she talks about X rather a lot...' and he makes an effort to laugh it off. I have tried to cut down on that and take pains to lavish attention and love on husband, but I'm really worried now that that looks even MORE suspicious!

I don't want to just blurt out "I'm not having an affair with X, honest!" because it may not even have crossed his mind and then I'll look a right crazy eejit

anybody else ever been in this situation? should I find more important things to worry about?

OP posts:

Report

Zaphiro · 22/02/2013 16:49

What a weird thread

OP, keep being pals with Jim. If the closeness makes you uncomfortable or feels inappropriate, you can cool it. If it doesn't, you have a good friend. As long as you're making an effort to maintain your relationship with your husband too, I don't see the problem.

NymphadoraTonks · 22/02/2013 15:22

Carry on as you are. My best friend, other than my husband, is a guy, I've known him for 8 years and I've never thought about anything romantic with him. It happens, however much people like to say it doesn't! If you're doing nothing to be worried about, don't worry about it. You can only get in trouble if you're doing something to get in trouble for.

Slumberparty · 22/02/2013 14:31

I get where you're coming from OP. I work mainly with men and often find myself talking about someone all the time at home to my DP. We often joke about it so I don't think he is in anyway worried.
I expect if you suddenly stopped talking about him, then he may suspect something! Otherwise, just keep going like you are. You're being open and honest about your friendship so don't worry about anything unless your DH tells you he's worried.

Januarymadness · 22/02/2013 14:21

oh come on leave the girl alone. Just because 2 people like each other and get on doesnt mean they are up for an affair. That is a bloody riddiculous and anti woman point of view!

SonOfAradia · 22/02/2013 11:49

It's almost like you posted this so you could talk some more about this amazing man.

Sugarice · 22/02/2013 07:13

Stop talking about this amazing man all of the time to your dh, he may be pissed off but too polite to mention it or he may switch off when you start another discussion on how wonderful Jim is and you've not noticed.

You do sound enamoured with this man.

awkwardawkward · 22/02/2013 07:03

Hi all, been away and no chance to get back to thread sorry about that!

January I'm glad you can see where I'm coming from.

Maybe I am making it up? That WAS my original question, am I right to be concerned or should I just find something more important to worry about? I can accept I might be being a drama queen, but I'm not ashamed because it comes from a good place, not wanting hubby to be upset over nothing. But I'm not having any suggestions that I'm cheating or even thinking about it - I'm not!

As for nobody else but me thinking it, how are we so sure about that? unless you can see into the minds of everyone around me I can't see how we do really....

OP posts:

Booyhoo · 16/02/2013 23:26

have you read the thread?

the whole point i'm trying to make is that THERE ARE NO WHISPERS from anyone. OP is the only one who sees this as an issue.

"And then, like in this thread, there are the people who say "well if others are thinking it there must be a reason". "

who said that on this thread? who said 'if others are thinking it'? no-one has, because no-one except OP is thinking it.

Januarymadness · 16/02/2013 22:44

I have been on the wrong end of hearing whispers, snidey comments, sideways looks, winks and nudges. There is never enough concrete stuff to call people on it without you looking like a complete loon but it doesnt mean it is not happening.

And then, like in this thread, there are the people who say "well if others are thinking it there must be a reason". No. Actually sometimes there is smoke without fire. Sometimes boys and girls can just be mates.

When I first introduced my now husband to uni mates during a night out a girl came over to me and said I better watch my boyfriend with one of the girls there as they were very chatty. Actully I had met dh through this girl and they were friends. Nothing dodgy.

The op may be making things up in her head or she may just care about her husbands feelings.

Booyhoo · 16/02/2013 21:40

well, as she is the only person who thinks her contact with this man might appear to be something other than what it is then i think it's fair enough to think she could be making this up in her head to make life a bit more interesting. why is it ok for you to say that other people like making stuff up in their own heads but not ok for me to suggest that OP might be one of those people?

Januarymadness · 16/02/2013 21:18

the assumption that she is making things up in her own head.

Booyhoo · 16/02/2013 20:47

will do Mmmnoodlesoup! (love that epsiode)

Booyhoo · 16/02/2013 20:45

what assumption?

Mmmnoodlesoup · 16/02/2013 20:43

I've perfected the art of nodding and smiling while wanting to smack her

Stay strong.

AnyFucker · 16/02/2013 20:35

You are overthinking it, OP

I do wonder why that might be

Januarymadness · 16/02/2013 20:34

that is some assumption to make. Some people put themselves in others shoes as a matter of course. i.e. how would I feel if dh mentioned another woman this much. It is not necessarily that the op has crossed any boundaries.

Booyhoo · 16/02/2013 20:31

oh no! i was hoping Dfriend would grow out of it. are you telling me i have to nod and smile forever?

Booyhoo · 16/02/2013 20:30

"People love a gossip. they like making stuff up in their own heads. It makes their lives more interesting. other people seeing stuff where there isnt anything does make you question if your own husband or partner may think those things too."

that's the point though. no-one else has seen anything where there isn't. it is only OP that is thinking they might. (why might they? has OP been flirting with this guy? has she crossed boundaries she wouldn't cross with female colleagues?) i think it is the Op here who likes making stuff up in her own head to make life more interesting.

Mmmnoodlesoup · 16/02/2013 20:30

My sister is the same! So damn fickle, except she's 36....sad really.

Januarymadness · 16/02/2013 20:29

I also think the talking about him thing is difficult. By not mentioning him it is odd. With me I work with the guy at least 5 hours a day, sometimes more. So if I talk about my day it is going to involve him 9 times out of 10. But yammering on does make suggestions of its own.

Januarymadness · 16/02/2013 20:24

I KNOW at least 1 colleage thinks there is something going on between me and a guy at work. It is not either of our doing some people just want there to be drama.

The guy and I get on. We have to work closely together and are working in difficult circumstances. I feel affectionate towards him, in the way you might feel for a brother, when we are together but we dont talk at evenings or weekends and I suspect that if either of us left the job we would never see each other again and it would not be the end of the world for either of us.

People love a gossip. they like making stuff up in their own heads. It makes their lives more interesting. other people seeing stuff where there isnt anything does make you question if your own husband or partner may think those things too.

I am not going to be someone I am not to please others. I am not going to be mean to my colleage because of other peoples need for drama. I am going to make sure that no lines are crossed. No intimate conversations to physical contact or flirting. basically dont do or say anything you wouldnt if your dh were right there with you. If dh says anything be open and honest. If anyone else says anything treat it as entirely their problem!

Booyhoo · 16/02/2013 20:19

i have a friend who does it, but she is so fickle and meets a new 'BFF' every week so the name changes regularly but the gushing continues. " i mean HOW have i only met this girl now? we should have been best friends from birth" she's young so i forgive her.

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Mmmnoodlesoup · 16/02/2013 20:17

Exactly Booyhoo.

My sister has been talking about a friend for a few weeks now, every other sentence starts with 'Susan does this, Susan thinks that' weird and annoying.

Booyhoo · 16/02/2013 20:13

tbh if your husband is pissed off it's probably to do with the yammering rather than any suspicion. i would get pissed off if my partner yammered on about a friend or colleague of either sex as if they were the best thing since sliced bread. do you talk about your other friends they way you do about Jim? (he's officially called Jim now BTW )

Mmmnoodlesoup · 16/02/2013 20:05

Stop yammering on about him to your dh if you think it's upsetting/annoying him.

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