Coffee - am so so sorry : ( What you must be going through with the physical and emotional challenge of treatment, and now this : ((
He sounds like a husband who you need and would not want to lose. Tbh he sounds like he's been a very good husband and father. I agree that as you say, this business now may well be his reaction to having to be the provider of calm and support and hope and tenderness at the moment. There are no doubt awful fears and feelings of impotence and such sadness for you, and he is vulnerable to the appeal of some outlet - some place where he almost isn't himself, where there is no illness or fear or suffering, where everything is about positivity and life. I'm sorry to say that to you, so sorry, as you are so the centre of everything difficult that is happening, and, for now, you have to fight - you can't get out, not yet. I'm sure that time will come. But as for him - he is probably in that kind of strange time of shock and grief when normal boundaries dissolve. It is a time when people can do things that seem extreme, reckless, out of character - it is some kind of defense mechanism, I have come to feel - a way of distracting themselves from an unthinkable reality, and a loss of normal inhibition. For a time, the world is a different place. When I was faced with my father's leg being amputed and later with him dying, it was a time of such emotional fearlessness for me - I did things I would never normally do. I had an affair with a much younger guy (I was single so I wasn't betraying anybody, but still - it was an extreme thing to do) - he approached me, and I at first refused, then went with it - and I have to say that it helped me immensely. It got me through. It reminded me of the strength of life.
But the point is: this is all temporary. After time, the high emotions and the sense of an oddly fluid world, without normal boundaries - it all subsides. The sense of emergency fades, and life settles back into being normal, where it's annoying if you run out of washing up liquid, or upsetting if someone nips in a parking space before you.
I think the texts are irrefutable proof of some kind of intense connection with another woman, of some kind. I think the best thing you can do is to accept that as true, and now work with it.
You could call your husband out - he will vehemently deny - there will be terrible upset - and your solid, good thing - your person who isn't ill, and who is your comfort, for you and the children - omg - then he will spiral away from you and even that source of life and and solidarity, that reminder of who you are in essence, will be gone, or could be.
OMG. I can't say how much I feel for you. And in normal circumstances, the line would be standard - yes, he's up to 'no good' - yes, he's 'a lying xxxx' - yes, he doesn't deserve you and should have his things thrown in bin bags and chucked out on the driveway.
But that's not your situation. That's not where you, and him, and your children are right now.
And if you weren't all facing this time of the challenging of your very lives (all of you, because a threat to your life is also a threat to theirs, as they know it) - if you weren't all facing this, and he wasn't having to be the 'ok' one, then ... would this have happened with him? Would he have done this? You and he would know better than anyone here, but I'd say there's a reasonable chance it wouldn't have.
I think whatever he is doing, there's a very strong chance it's linked with his reaction to the situation with you. And that doesn't help you, I know. But I also know that the discovery of an affair, and the subsequent stresses on your relationship, regardless of what the outcome is, are all so immensely, over-whelmingly, extraordinarily damaging and difficult. I would actually say that dealing with an affair is more difficult and more extreme and shocking, in some ways, than with someone dying. I thought my father's death was the worst and most challenging thing that I had ever gone through, or would ever. I was wrong. Because when he died, at least I still felt pretty much like me. But after the discovery of infidelity, your own sense of self comes so under attack, that you can wonder, bewildered, frightened, who you really are. Everything, all that you are, is attacked. And the person you thought you knew, and the past weeks or months where you thought you knew what had been happening - it's like a nightmare. Nothing is as you had thought.
You have more than enough to deal with at the moment. Way more than enough.
You don't need this awful shock and upset as well.
You must make yourself well. You must, with your husband, keep everything as calm and good and positive and unpanicked as you can for your children.
I don't know if you'll be able to hide it from your children and family if you ask him, and it comes out he has been having this dialogue with another woman. I would say most likely not.
So what to do? My thoughts are:
- He is engaged in some intense dialogue and/or physical encounter with someone else. Most likely as a reaction to the stress of what's happening with you at the moment. Which means that while it is monstrous in several ways for you, at least it may be as temporary as the temporary time of you being unwell.
- Pulling it all out in the open could be dangerous and even more damaging for you all right now. It could even result in you being on your own with your treatment, alone. OK, not with someone hiding something from you, but ... I'm not sure, at all, that the right thing would be to add all the misery of separation and being so alone with it all right now. Even with the practical things like looking after the children.
- Undoubtedly it would be much much better for the children right now if you and their father were just happy and everything as normal as it can be.
But where does that leave you? With unfinished business - unstarted business, really - with your husband. And lying at night not only feeling under physical attack, but also wanting to sob and rail against him for doing this.
I am so sorry. So sorry.
But you must see your way through it. I suspect he thinks this is something that is 'getting him through'. You know what I would do? I wouldn't directly challenge him - because then you give him nowhere to go with it. You know something is definitely going on. You don't need to ask him. So instead I would drop enough seemingly innocent hints, slightly ruffled, a bit uncertain, to make him hopefully worry that you are picking up on what's going on, and either stop it, or bury it somehow.
Eg, It was so weird the other night - I bloody got woken up by your phone! What idiot was texting you in the middle of the night? Etc.
Put the wind up him.
Because what do you want to happen right now? I personally want him to give you no sign whatsoever that he is anyone other than your loving, kind, understanding rock. I want him to look after you and the children and get you through this. And then, when you're out of danger, then ... I want him to get over this interlude and never look back and always be there for you. Or, if it has to all come out, I want it to come out at a point where you're stronger and can deal with it, one way or the other.
But not now. Not now : (
Oh you poor, poor darling. Your hair will of course come back, and be fluffy and new and better than before (people in E. Europe actually cut off all their hair from time to time, so it grows back better - not joking). You will come back. You will be OK. And then you'll be able to deal with the fallout from all of this.
For now, I honestly would say to turn a blind eye to it, and to take the strength and comfort you can from him, because he is offering it, so it seems. Take everything you can from him, and understand this is a time of different rules, and great extremes. A time of war.
