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Is he depressed, jekyll and hyde - or just an arse?!

92 replies

Sc00byD0 · 09/02/2013 19:08

Apologies in advance if this is long.

Background: together since we were 19/20, married 20 years, 2 DCs 12 and 9. Both early 40s now. I work FT in a job I love, on a good salary. He has his own business which has been very up and down, and over the past 2-3 years more down than up. He works alone mainly.

He constantly puts me down. He resents my job; every argument we have seems to come back to my job "taking over". I do work often long hours, have to stay away the occasional night, sometimes catch up on stuff in the evening etc. But my salary is important as his income fluctuates. he is rude and abusive about my (female) boss, she is the "manc bitch" (she's not even from manchester, and he has met he about 4 or 5 times in 8 years). He constantly brings up the past - I'm far from proud of this, but I had a ONS not long after we married, and even now, nearly 20 years on, he still brings it up and basically blames me for all our problems. I thought we had moved on from that - afterwards I went through loads of shit with him (a lot of drunken behaviour, he broke my wrist, phoned prostitutes when pissed), but thought we had got over it, went onto have the kids etc. All was good until the last 3-4 years.

I am constantly accused of depriving him of sex. Depsite the fact I am "useless in bed", "just lie there", "never give me oral", he expects sex everytime we got to bed at the same time. The other night I was really tired and said no. He went into a complete childish sulk and proceeded to bad mouth me for the best part of 30 mins. This happens quite often and I end up giving in. Then he moans because I'm crap in bed.

He regularly bad mouths my parents which he knows winds me up. They are pretentious, ignorant and thick apparently. In the last few weeks I have been called an idiot, an imbecile and unclean.

Every evening he goes to the pub after work "for the company because you are so unsociable and don't talk to me". I just have nothing to say. He never asks me how I am, how my day was, if I talk about how I am feeling he immediately turns it around to him. He also says he goes to the pub because he spends all day "in the cell" - meaning his office, where he works alone, and gets company at the pub. He has 3-4 pints every evening, comes home about 7.30/8 - by which time the kids are dealt with and in bed - I've done homework / tea / bath / wind down time. Sometimes he comes home late after drinking much more, and that's awful.

I suspect some of this is down to stress because of the business, also my FIL died late last year after being diagnosed terminally ill early last year, so that has been stressful too, of course.

I don't help the situation - I do clam up when he's at home, I can't look him in the eye, I often will walk away if he starts on me, which winds him up even more. Or when he starts on one, I can't just sit there and take it and I argue back.

He can be nice. It's just the two personalities are hard to deal with - not knowing what sort of mood he will be in when he comes home, what his day has been like, whether anyone who owes the business has paid (if they haven't, it's hell), if I'm late its a nightmare etc. He does help with the kids if I am away early or finishing late, but often reluctantly.

This all sounds bad doesn't it?

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Sc00byD0 · 10/02/2013 16:09

I think you're right - I think his ego is damaged. I regularly get "well I was earning what you were 12 years ago" - yes he was, but he left that job, went to another on less money but with apparent prospects, then decided to set up on his own - which I was fully supportive of. Actually, its apparently been my fault he set up the business because I encouraged it.

I do understand his work is lonely. He sees the PT driver a couple of times a day, and the odd courier, but thats it. Although he could go out and see some customers (he used to do that a lot). Then he goes straight to the pub from work. Why not at least come home and spend time with the kids, even if not me? They often don't see him during the week, because when he gets home they are in bed, or about to go to bed. But every day? When I have picked them up, we get home and they say "daddy won't be in, he'll be at the pub" - thats hardly healthy for them to think that is it?

I do have enthusiasm to leave, believe me. I just need to get brave and act. I have spent too long trying to convince myself things would change. I suppose thats why I posted, because I wanted some support and views as to whether this is all my fault.

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