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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Officially Divorced as of Today! Couldn't be happier

54 replies

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 30/01/2013 15:20

I've just had confirmation that the divorce has been finalised :)

Haven't been on mumsnet for quite a while, but I just wanted to say an enormous THANK YOU to everyone who ever posted on any of my threads about my EA, 'depressed', officially XH.

I couldn't have done it without you. You stopped me from breaking so many times.

Now I'm incredibly happy. New bloke, new area, new job, new life.

If I'd known this was what life should be I would never have put up with it for so long.

So, thank you MN, you're all amazing

X

OP posts:

Report

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 03/02/2013 10:32

Damnit, no quick fix then

Time it shall have to be.

Thanks AF.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 02/02/2013 20:40

one word

and it isn't an easy get-out clause, because there isn't one

time

time is your friend, here

hang in there

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 02/02/2013 19:22

Oh I do need one bit of advice if anyone has any (should probably start another thread): as you can see now that my eyes are well and truly open I LOATH the fucker and want him to fuck the fuck off. But as the dcs must retain a relationship with him I must continue to have minimal contact.

My question is, how can I get from hating him to not giving a crap. He makes me angry and takes up headspace, because I constantly take the moral high ground and don't react to all his bullshit? And I know this riles him more than ranting would, but it means I don't get to be angry and poor dp ends up comforting me (which he does happily and willingly, but I'd rather he didn't have to).

Any ideas?

OP posts:

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 02/02/2013 19:17

And yet he's amazingly oblivious. I've watched him talking to people who I know loath him, and while they are stunted in their politeness he jabbers on without noticing a thing.

He even went round to my friend's when I had told him I was moving and said how worried he was about me and my mental health, and how rubbish my family are at supporting me so I'd be going back to no support and I'd be miserable, and couldn't they persuade me how ridiculous the idea was!

Luckily friend just came straight to me and told me everything.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 02/02/2013 19:13

quelle surprise indeed

MerlotAndMe · 02/02/2013 19:08

CremeEggThief, the good thing is though that now anything can happen.

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 02/02/2013 18:19

Yup, he's a bully.

He actually told me a long story about this guy who never paid any maintenance and what a terrible father he was. To be fair he hasn't missed one payment (although it took 6 months for his payments to recognise his large pay rise). But then doesn't seem to actually care about their welfare (staying up til 3 in the morning playing computer games with ds1 (14) - buying him 18s that i have banned, watching programmes like game of thrones with him - again not allowed in this house - giving him beers when his (XH's not ds's) mates are round, so he's the cool dad - oh and having his mates down when he's seeing the kids - presumably they're too boring on their own - oh and should he ask to swap a visit and I can't as I have plans with the kids on the other weekend, he cancels and them accuses me of stopping him seeing them)

Ooh that was a good long bitch.

He thinks he's the best dad ever and I fear for their safety whenever he has them. Ds1 has often reported back scary moments, like dd1 (3) going under the water in a lake andXH nowhere near her, luckily ds was paying attention.

He is so selfish and will never see it. Dp can't abide him, apparently a very common view which so many people revealed to me after we split. He is not well liked. Quelle surprise!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 02/02/2013 18:03

Crunchy, what you say simply proves that for all his yakking about "what's best for the dc's" it was just that : talk . Many controlling men exert their influence around what they perceive as a "weak spot" in their female partners. It is absolutely a shit thing to do....because it means they have no compunction in using the children of the partnership as a weapon of warfare.

Disgusting behaviour.

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 02/02/2013 12:08

Wondering congratulations on getting this far. Sounds like a struggle, I look forward to hearing your good news

Thief that's exactly where I was a year ago. We were split but I was still living far away from friends and family because of his job. And I thought I couldn't move because I'd be denying the dcs their dad.

It was only when he started talking about changing jobs that I thought, hang on a minute, and moved back home. He now of course blames me for "stealing the kids" and says he never mentioned changing jobs until after I said I was going (a complete lie). Apparently I'm completely self centred and the move was only for my benefit. The fact the kids are happy and stable and that my new job has such flexible working hours that I'm always there for school runs (previously dropped at breakfast club and picked up from after school club ) isn't relevant.

I'm financially not as well off here, but I'm emotionally a different person.

XH had lots of strops but has now found a new job. Is it nearer the kids because he can't live without them? No, it's abroad and he'll only see them about 8 times a year. He's already asked if he can reduce his week in may with them so he can go and do a run that weekend instead (it'll be the first time they see him since he started)

It really is all about him. The poor dcs.

At least they have a stable home life now.

Sorry, went on a bit of a ramble.

OP posts:

CremeEggThief · 02/02/2013 11:13

Congratulations :).

I can't say yet I'm any happier than I was, as I have no job; am not close to family, most of whom live in a different country anyway; and I have no close friends around, as we are in an area we moved to for his job, before he fucked off and left anyway, and I feel a bit trapped here now as it's so much cheaper to live... BUT I'm not unhappier single than I was with him :).

wonderingsoul · 02/02/2013 10:58

HUGE CONGRATULATIONS.

I have been fighting almost 4 years to get my divorce after splitting from ea somes times phydically abusive ex, he wouldnt sign papers, i had to try and get prove of him refusing to sign them etc, he lives in anothrr country so this was hard. and finally had my nisi in court on the 28th of january. hoping to have my obsolute real soon.

I think a divorce party is deffintly in order. you can get balloons n sashes with' just divorced' on to.

I love the idea about keeping the champang bottle with a candle on the table.nwill deff fo that.

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 02/02/2013 06:56

Ah yes, I'd forgotten the photo album. What should I do with that. Ds1 was there so I don't want to get rid of those, but I don't want the wedding pictures of the two of us.

OP posts:

smileyforest · 01/02/2013 22:24

Wedding dress...I took to Oxfam....photos i trashed.......

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 01/02/2013 15:31

Thanks merlot!

Ah yes, don't forget ex-fucker mil.

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MerlotAndMe · 01/02/2013 14:50

x fucker, and xfucker mil too!

MerlotAndMe · 01/02/2013 14:50

congratulations!!

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 01/02/2013 14:07

It's great once it's over. But sucks until then.

You will get through it, and then that fucker will be an ex-fucker.

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Sidge · 01/02/2013 12:17

I'm sure it will be Youknow, I want to be unmarried but really resent the fact I have to spend so much time and money for something I never wanted because of that fucker!

In my head I'm not married any more so am keen to complete the process; despite it being what I want it's messy, painful and sad. I'm NEVER doing this again!!

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 31/01/2013 15:06

Sidge, it'll all be worth it once you're free. Promise.

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YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 31/01/2013 15:05

Trust those are awesome. If you think of any more please stick them on here. As an aside I keep reading your name as truss tissues. Which probably says more about me than about you

AF!!! Thank you! And yes you were right, you were right, you were very, very right. All those times I gave it one more try and you said I was mad, you were right I am a daft fool for thinking that I had to prove I was hurt to get him to stop hurting me: it turns out that you don't have to prove your right to be happy, and people who know they're hurting someone and carry on are bastards. Who knew? Well, you obviously. And now me too.

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AnyFucker · 31/01/2013 12:58

Crunchy ! Yayyy !

Congratulations

Sidge · 31/01/2013 12:49

trustissues those are great suggestions!

I've just spent this morning reading my draft divorce petition and filling in the contact for children arrangement so am feeling pretty shit and they made me laugh

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo (very small and discreet on my bum!) when my divorce comes through, will now add trashing my wedding dress and a boudoir photo session to my To Do list!

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trustissues75 · 31/01/2013 09:14

TIREDOFWAITING - trash the dress sessions are great! It's really popular in the states and photographers make some of their living out of it! :)

trustissues75 · 31/01/2013 09:13

Take a flying lesson - translate your freedom to the skies for a few sessions.

Start a happiness jar - every day write one new thing down that made you smile - put them in the jar and read them later in the year.

trustissues75 · 31/01/2013 09:09

Go to the BIG APPLE, treat yourself to breakfast at Tiffany's; Ice Skating at the Rockerfella Centre; then dinner and a Broadway Show!!

Hire a very good photographer who specialises in Boudoir photography and celebrate just how gorgeous and sexy you are!

Do something that has always scared you and you thought you'd never do.

Start a FREEDOM journal

Take one picture a day and blog it for a year and then look back at it all in a years time and see how happy you are.

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