Stay at home dad - no longer at home

[Skillbo]

Not sure what i want from this thread to be honest but am struggling a bit and i think getting it down can be a help in itself.

My husband walked out the day before New Year with no real warning. He says he no longer loves me but thinks I'm great and wants to remain friends. We have two DC; DD who is 3 and DS who turned 1 two days before he left I work FT and he was the SAHP - something he says he loves and wants to continue. This is where i am struggling so much.

I know it is me he has left (made that quite clear) but i am finding it so painful to be around him. I am signed off work until mid Feb as can't face returning at the moment so I am home too. He wants to basically pick up where he left off - so being with the children when i work but not living here or being with me. I feel this is unfair but obviously don't want him to not see his children (who adore him). He just gets the fun bit while i do the nights, bath time, bed time, the early mornings on any day off i have... H even had the balls to say 'that's what you get with kids though' when i had a bitch about it!

DS is oblivious of course but DD knows something isn't right and i think this could confuse her even more...

He has stayed with the children since DD was 6 months for which i will be eternally grateful but i think he needs to find some work so he can start to support himself - he is currently staying with MIL, the most passive woman who will just let him stay and do fuck all (her other DS was unemployed for 7 years whilst living with her!) I don't want him to use the kids as an excuse ('couldn't take that job as i was looking after the kids' kind of thing) but think him not working is all part of the problem!

We're going to regular counselling as of Monday but I don't know what i want from that anymore - have gone from desperately wanting him back to enjoying time one on one with my kids and realising how selfish he is being!

Sorry this is long and rambling... I'm just so unsure of everything!

[Skillbo]

I know I'm doing the right thing but i just need a bit of support.

I told him about the child benefit today - as in, it now comes to me, and he got quite upset. I explained that as he's no longer here, there isn't any reason for him to have it, it's for the children. He did say he is still there for the children and will now have nothing to spend with them.

I have said i can leave him some money for a few bits but DD is in pre-school 3 and a half days and all the local groups he goes to are free (good old Sure Start!) There will always be food for them and i will cover his monthly bus pass so he can get here but that's all i want to do! It's actually quite a bit of money which i never realised.

I'm not being unfair, am i? He admits he's treated me like shit and so doesn't expect anything from me but for some reason i feel guilty as i know he has NO money! I have suggested he goes to the job centre, not just to find a job but to see if he is entitled to some support.

I just feel like the bad one here - that's not right, is it?

[badtime]

He would now be entitled to income-related benefits, I think. Your income would not be taken into account. All he has to do is sort out his claim.

You are not being unfair and you should not feel guilty.

[Skillbo]

Thank you - i just still feel so responsible which is stupid but he's not a bad man and he's the father or my kids... argh, wish i didn't feel like this

[badtime]

I will say, though, if he does claim Jobseekers, he will have to seek a job. That may actually be the best way of sorting stuff out. He should claim Jobseekers, and apply for jobs, and when he gets a job, he would have to stop his SAHP fantasy, but not because you were stopping him.

Remember, he chose to leave. He needs to live in the real world, and that includes dealing with his finances like an adult. Wanting to be a SAHP in his situation makes it seem like he just doesn't want to get a job, like all the other NRPs.

btw, I immediatedly assumed OW too.

[Skillbo]

Not sure if he's able to apply for job seekers as he hasn't been paying NI for the last 3 years, for obvious reasons!

And you're right, his choice and all that. It just feels like he's now my unpaid childminder which seems unfair - but must see past that and keep remembering he left me.

[badtime]

Income-based JSA isn't related to NI contributions.
Also, I thought getting child benefit meant that a SAHP's NI contributions were kept up?

[Skillbo]

Ah ok - and the CB was always in my name, just went to his bank account. I did tell him he needed to change this (and got the forms at least twice) but he never did... hasn't helped himself there at all!

Thanks again - am feeling a bit better about things... Helps when kids don't play up