He was sexually abused as a child, how can I support him?

[snaplockslags]

I have been with a lovely man for 4 months, he was quite open with me about his abuse as a child and said that it affects his ability to have close relationships...
He does shut me out a bit in day to day life and seems to go from being ultra vulnerable and loving to basically acting like I'm the last thing on his mind, and last night when I asked him if he was happy with me, he said he was the happiest he has been in his whole life, he's just scared of loosing me.
It all started when he said last night that sex for him can be asocicated with violence and power struggles, he said he's deeply disturbed at the idea of us not being equals, he said that he thinks I look up to him, I told him that I don't and that I do feel he sometimes looks down on me.
He said that an unequal relationship disturbs him because he wants us to be two consenting adults (which I thought we were)
All this stuff is a bolt out of the blue for be, I thought that things were great apart from having to grapple with his distance at times.
hmm, I want to help him and be there for him but I don't want to be unhappy myself which I will be if he keeps shutting me out. He told me today that I must tell him when he's shutting down.
Maybe he needs to go back to therapy, I don't know. I just hate being left out in the cold when he's warm and loving and vulnerable its the best thing in the world but I hate the highs and lows.

[Abitwobblynow]

So trust yourself. You are your own, best protector.

[BertieBotts]

In answer to your title, you can't. You're too close emotionally, and it's not your place to "rescue" him from his issues, it's his entirely his own responsibility to sort them out for himself. I know it's a horrible thing to think that something so awful happened to anyone, especially someone that you care for, and it's not fair in any sense of the word, but that doesn't make it up to you to undo it just because you haven't been through anything as bad - in fact, nobody can undo it. He's left to bear the effects of what's happened and that is awful, but the only person who can move on, come to terms with, deal with this is him - the person that it happened to.

I'm heartened to see from reading the thread that you're understanding on some level that this isn't right, but I wanted to add this. The CodA meetings sound good, too.

[mypussyiscalledCaramel]

My X OH was abused by his mother as a child. I was his 3rd wife. I found out after he'd got me hooked that he had also been the instigator of DV in both of his previous marriages. He was in his late 40's when I met him.

He was also nasty to all 8 of his kids.

I persuaded him to go see a counsellor (?) and this worked for a while.

Looking back and reading on here I believe that he was EA right from the start, but hid it well. He was always in denial about his past issues, never accepted that he could have been a different person with help.

I left him after he pushed me to the point of self harming.

I know exactly what his mother did to him because he told me every single incident. I felt sorry for him, but I knew I couldn't change him. He chose to shut the horrors behind a door in his head, he chose to take it out on everybody close to him.

He lost his 1st two kids due to DV, he lost his next 5 kids due to DV and inappropriate behaviour around one of his daughters and no longer sees our son because he finds it too emotionally draining and doesn't want to be a part time dad.

I was with him for 4 years before I saw the light.

[Pipachi]

He gives his cat more attention than you? You don't feel far from happy?

You deserve more. He doesn't love you. Please run!

[Abitwobblynow]

he gives his cat more attention than me!

RUUUUUUUUUUUUUN! This is a red flag I made the huge flag of overlooking (he patted his dog more than me, even after his therapist told him not to. Funny, his therapist gave up on him and mine warned me against him. I was too stubborn to listen).

Please, I am warning you he is telling you in huge letters, in plain english, clear as day:

I AM NOT CAPABLE OF INTIMACY. I CANNOT CUDDLE, DELIGHT IN YOUR BODY (EXCEPT AS A RECEPTACLE), STAY IN THE JOY OF THE MOMENT, I WILL NEVER 'SEE' YOU TRULY.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

I often see things from they mans side on these relationship threads and empathise/sympathise or whatever with them. I usually think posters are too harsh on the men . . .

This one has just given me the willies!

[SirSugar]

Before I even opened this thread I thought 'don't bother love'

Don't bother love.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Sir. That's a bit harsh if you came to that conclusion based on the title alone.

Don't bother supporting a man whose been sexually abused . . . right

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

@fuckadoodlepoopoo... It's really not harsh when you have an instinct, before reading the rest of the message, that the emotional/psychological problem the OP wants help with is being used by a partner as an excuse for bad behaviour. It's so common as to be as predicatable as you taking the man's side in any story. :)

[izzyizin]

I am blaming myself for this

What on earth are you blaming yourself for? He is what he is, which is not fit for female consumption, and no fault for the way he is can possibly lie with you as he's been as he is for considerably longer than the date you had the misfortune to encounter him.

Win some lose some, honey, and this one's a loser.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Cog.

An instinct based on "he was sexually abused as a child, how can i support him?" Bollocks! No one can base an instinct that the man is using it to excuse bad behaviour on that title alone. Complete and utter rubbish!

If the title was "my girlfriend was sexually abused as a child how can i support her" and based on that alone the response was "don't bother love", i would be just as shocked.

Does this mean that victims of sexual abuse are complete and utter no go areas? That means i should be single forever then. Luckily for me all the guys I've told early in the relationship have all been cool about it. But according to sirsugar Im probably damaged goods and shouldn't be touched.

Perhaps i should be grateful that the guys I've been out with aren't mners.

Way to make a victim of a despicable crime feel even more dirty!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Do you use your experience of abuse to make others feel responsible for you or as an excuse for your bad behaviour? Do you use it to control others and keep them trapped? Do you tell others that you expect sexual relations to be violent? I'd anticipate a 'no' to all of the above btw....

Every case has to be judged on its merits but if a woman is so concerned as to be posting on MN there's usually a good reason why they are not 'cool about it'.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Cog. You've missed the point rather. Sirsugar had none of that information when making their judgment. Just the fact that it was an abuse victim and so not worth bothering with.

I would never have expected you to be of the same thinking.

. . . if a woman is so concerned as to be posting on MN there's usually a good reason why they are not 'cool about it'.

So every abuse victim whose partner asks for advice on a forum must actually in fact be a wrongun!

Im disgusted with the pair of you

[mypussyiscalledCaramel]

Sometimes, some people cannot be 'helped'.

My XOH is a case in point, because of his past he was an arse to 3 different women and ALL his kids.

I am fairly certain that at some point he must have done a DV course because he knew how to treat me without being overtly nasty. I knew he didn't like me seeing my parents, but he never actually said it.

Some of the stuff his Mum did to him was horrific.

He chose to shut the door to his past rather than trying to deal with it, he chose to be nasty and inappropriate to close family. I supported him as well as I could until it started to affect my Mental Health.

I didn't find out, until I'd left him, that he had also touched up my 18 year old cousin and also made younger nieces uncomfortable when in his presence.

The only person that can help him is himself.

[Abitwobblynow]

Fuckapoodle: you are mixing up two things here: the trauma of abuse, and the choice on how to deal with that

Previous trauma does NOT cause abuse. Read Lundy Bancroft.

What causes abuse is the way the man thinks. And sadly, a lot of men choose to run away from their ishooos and project onto the women around them. I know, I was stupid enough to not give up on one (as OP is urged to do)

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Wobbly. You've misread my posts. In my first post i said that this bloke gives me the willies. I am not defending him and if i were the op i think i would finish with him.

What i am objecting to is sirsugars post (and cog agreeing with it) where he or she said that they wouldn't bother with this man based on the title alone of this thread, which said nothing other than that he had been sexually abused. Discriminating against a victim of a terrible crime as though he's damaged goods and so not worth bothering with makes my blood boil.

As a victim of childhood sexual abuse as well it hurts that others see us like that. A lot of us feel like dirty non people enough as it is.

Based on the op i agree that the op shouldn't bother with him but to say that without that info and just because he's been sexually abused is disgusting.

[TheFallenNinja]

Scared of losing you. Oh FFS, the opening lines of a control freak.

If he has big issues now after all this time, how on earth does this get better.

[snaplockslags]

But isnt there a lot of room for growth and healing within the context of a loving relationship?
He takes a pretty good inventory of his own behaviour, noticing when he's been distant and doing things to rectify the situation and apolagise, isn't his self awareness a sighn that he's willing to get better and enjoy a functional relationship with me?
Last night he was lovely, very present very attentive and fun a shtough he'd realised how he'd been and wanted to be different.
I am going to stick with him for now but armed with the knowledge that I am in a more powerful position than I had first realised and can step out whenever I want.
I agree with the comment about if a woman had been sexually abused as a child and had issues relating to this and men all jumped on board telling her man to steer clear, it would look really cold but because it's the other way round he is seen to be bad.

[Abitwobblynow]

OK I agree with you FD. It is WHAT we do with the pain in our lives, that counts.

And this prince is using the OP in his avoidance of the past.

[fromparistoberlin]

wow, wow and WOW

now i would never advise someone to stay in a relationship that is not working


But , the complete and utter lack of sympathy shown to someone that might have had nasty abuse as a child saddens me greatly

some of the responses here are sexist and very reactionary, and how we instantly link "abused man" with "emotional abuser" is very very sad

[rosiesmartypants]

OP run, as fast as you can!

My exH was abused as a child, and everything in his life came back round to that abuse....was also prone to wheeling it out as an excuse when he behaved badly...'it wasn't my fault, it was because I was abused by my brother'. I was too young and naive to realize just how dangerous someone with an altered perception of the world can be.

He tried counseling before we got married, after a year I became increasingly concerned about his behavior to discover that he was using lots of porn, after losing his job, and sitting about the house all day....then that progressed to him downloading child porn.

I lost 3 years of my life, unable to function in the aftermath of the court case...his excuse was always 'it was just because I curious about my own abuse'. I don't mean to scare you, and this is probably one of the worst case scenarios, but if only I had paid attention to the red flags at the start, I know I should have walked away.

[AbigailAdams]

No - it is how he using his sexual abuse to manipulate his partner in his relationship and using it to excuse his bad behaviour. Being sexually abused does not mean that you treat your partner badly. He is also putting the responsibility for his happiness on the OP.

And anyone who puts violence and sex in the same sentence (other than to abhor it) is really really dodgy.

[AbigailAdams]

Sorry that was to fromparistoberlin

[fromparistoberlin]

I dont think the OP should stay with him fwiw, sounds like he is NOT making her happy

but the way people have been so instantly harsh, how do they know?

oh well!

[Abitwobblynow]

fromparistoberlin

some of the responses here are sexist and very reactionary, and how we instantly link "abused man" with "emotional abuser" is very very sad

You are mixing apples with oranges which Abigail has already tried to point out to you:

1. the OP posted about her treatment by him (read carefully) and added he was abused. Two different things, we identified it why can't you?
   
2. the vast majority of abusers in this world are men (Lundy Bancroft) 'the reason why men to not tend to report this abuse [by women] on them, is that it is far rarer'.
   
3. men do have a tendency to dump on women, discuss. Or we all on MN relationships reporting difficulties could just be bleating, whinging duckers and divers who create problems in a man's life - what do you think?!
   
4. it is what you DO with the pain in your past that counts. OP has signalled, quite clearly, that this particular abused man, IS an emotional abuser (but wants dispensation because he was abused).
   

What part don't you get?