How do I change my behaviour?

[CryingRivers]

Sorry this may be long...

I have been in an on off sort of relationship for well over a year now and am aware that my behaviour (as well as other factors so not just me) is contributing to the off bits!

When things are good we text/speak every day, have lots of nice talks about future, lots of affection, lots of cuddles and gazing at work etc. However if one of us has a bad day or if he is annoyed with me his way of dealing with it is to withdraw. He will no longer text so much because he is "busy" (although he has time to text when he is busy but wants to IYSWIM) and will be detached for a couple of days and not avoid me but not be particularly affectionate etc. I think this is just him and his way of dealing with things. Unfortunately this makes me really upset and I in turn get all needy and clingy, apologise repeatedly for whatever I have done and try and engage him more which irritates him and we end up in a cycle of me wanting reassurance that everything is ok and him wanting some space. I then feel like a horrible person because I feel like I am pressurising him to talk to me and it makes me feel really low. Usually a few days later things are ok again but it always feel a bit delicate

I keep trying to tell myself I just need to give him some space, that this is him and he just needs his man cave time but my head won't let me and I feel so unsettled and like one time soon he is just going to walk away and never speak to me again and I would not blame him

Reading this back I sound like a nightmare :( It is just so hard to deal with the swings between adoration and detachment when I just want some kind of constant. I just keep thinking that if I can not contact him for a few days he will call again but I always fail and text. It is just not natural to me to not want to speak to someone I love

Should I just accept this is never going to change? Or is there some way I can make myself not contact? Sometimes I wonder if he is just not that in to me but then when things are nice he is so nice and so loving and affectionate and committed to the future that I struggle to think that is the issue

I know that sometimes I am like this in relationships but I am also aware that when things are good (in this and previous) I am much less clingy and much easier to be around and my normal sort of self so I know I can do it I just don't know how to change my thinking

[garlicbollocks]

OP - You're falling for the nastiest trick in the book: treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen!

It's worked for a while. Now it's time to choose affection & respect over meanness. Treat him exactly the same as you treat everybody else, and go surround yourself with nice, well-balanced, caring people. Let him play sillybuggers elsewhere!

[TotallyBS]

Cogito: As they like to say in my beloved court room dramas, you are arguing facts not in evidence.

My comments are based on things the OP has said about herself and her BF who, apart from this withdrawal business, seem ok. Yet you seem to be projecting with comments about maybe deliberately picking a fight.

[garlicbollocks]

BS - I'll talk about myself here. I'd like you to reconsider your allocation of 'blame', but let's see.

~ I suffer from insecurity. As I discovered in therapy, I have an exaggerated fear of rejection. It's a vulnerability.
~ When I'm in a relationship, I will sometimes be afraid my partner doesn't find me good enough and might leave me.
~ If I share my fears with this partner and he responds by leaving, naturally I'm going to have a bit of a meltdown: my worst fear is being realised.
~ If he cares about my emotional well-being and reassures me with his steady presence and positive regard, naturally I'm going to feel more secure and grateful.

Can you please explain why you think I should suffer agonies, instead of preferring a partner who can support me with my fairly normal vulnerability?

[TotallyBS]

Garlic: My comments were tailored to the 'facts' laid out by the OP. It was not meant to be a general comment on all women including yourself.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Cogito: As they like to say in my beloved court room dramas, you are arguing facts not in evidence"

And you're Rumpole of the Bailey, I suppose?

[garlicbollocks]

Well, since my ishoo is almost identical to the OP's and I raised it as a case in point, you make a rubbish Rumpole. I sure as hell didn't mention "all women", that's your inference.

Crying, I apologise for letting myself be drawn by a stupid post. As you were :)

Dump the git. Consider yourself well rid.

[ItsRainingOutside]

I don't think he's being needy, nor do I think he's passive aggressive. You're just not that at ease in your relationship yet but it will come in time if you allow yourself to be yourself and regain some confidence in who you are as an individual rather than half of a partnership. I've been exactly where you are and speak from experience. Nearly lost my DP through my own unfounded insecurities and cried a lot of tears before I hit realisation that he loved me for who I am. Relax, you sound like you have the basis for a really great relationship.

[TotallyBS]

OP: I usually avoid AIBU because it seems to be full of damaged women projecting and wheeling out "dump the bastard" as the one fits all solution.

So my closing comment is this. Your BF is still in the relationship so he must feel something for you. You say he withdraws after he has a bad day or after you have annoyed him. Step back and look at what it was that annoyed him. Any chance of a compromise there? Guys will withdraw for a number of reasons. Some are just moody. Others do so as a means of dealing with female/your insecurities. It is unfair to dump on him if it is the latter.

At the end of the day you probably should dump the guy but not for the reason advocated by the Sisterhood of Dump the Bastard.

[TotallyBS]

... (Pressed post too soon) He obviously isn't happy in the relationship but is hanging in there for whatever reason. Just let the poor guy go.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Just let the poor guy go."

Isn't that the same as ... 'dump the bastard'.... ?

[Allergictoironing]

BS you seem to have a rather rose tinted view of why some people stay in relationships. Note I've said "people" not men, what follows is not me getting at men in particular.

Firstly some people do stay in relationships not because they care for the other person, but because they get a kick from the power they have over the other person. They feel empowered by their ability to fuck with the other person's head, they enjoy being able to make the other person cry & beg, they love the power to make the other person do almost anything just to make them happy or at least not angry. They just like pushing people around & powertripping.

This doesn't just happen in romantic relationships either, we've all heard about bullying bosses at work or sadistic teachers at school. If it's in the workplace you do have the option of either (depending on the situation) trying to go over the bully's head or of leaving the job. At school at least the parents have the option of removing the child - if the poor child is believed. And in a marriage the bullied person has the option to Leave The Bastard.

Secondly there are some people who are plain selfish and don't really care about the other person all that much. I am going to suggest male perpetrators here as they are in the majority, mainly because of old cultural hangovers that the man is the "Master" of a household. these are men who are entitled enough to think that they should always come first in everything, that their minor concerns are more important than other people's major issues. The kind who expect the woman should do all the "womens work" like cooking, cleaning, washing etc because that's beneath them, even if both work gull time & there are DCs to look after.

Now I'm not particularly suggesting that the OPs partner falls into either of these categories, and there's always a matter of degree, but to simply state that the compromise should always be on the part of the unhappy person, or that someone is still in a relationship so "must care for someone" is a very simplistic view of life.

[Allergictoironing]

Oops typo - "if they both work full time"

[TotallyBS]

Assuming that you aren't being sarcastic, my 'rose tinted' view is based on the fact my relationships history is quite boring. No abusive types. No control freaks etc etc. So when I read the OP I don't think of Relationship Number x and project.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Understandable therefore, if you've only got a very limited experience of relationships, why you'd miss some of the more obvious warning signs in the OP's description.

[Allergictoironing]

No, no sarcasm intended on my part. Many people also don't think to draw analogies from one part of life to another, e.g. the dynamics of a workplace can be very similar to those in a family yet behaviours that are completely unacceptable at work somehow seem to be OK in a family etc.

It's an unfortunate fact that I would estimate the majority of women who post here (and some of the few men who start a thread) are normally at the end of their tether by the time they get the courage up to wash their dirty linen in public. They may not know WHY they falt so awful about what appears to be a comparatively minor incident, but actually it's a last straw type culmination of years and years of drip fed Bad Things.

It's also a sad fact that often the last person to realise someone is being abused is that person themselves. So you even get posters here who seem to think that it's OK for THEM to be slapped around in by their partner but only get on here when it's their DCs who are in danger - yet I'm sure that their partners didn't beat them up on their first date.

I almost envy you BS, that you've had such a decent life that you haven't seen a loved one being in an abusive relationship or had one yourself, because it's heartbreaking when it happens. I've been lucky in that I've managed to "dodge the bullet" in my own life, but I've seen it happen to too many people I love - and I reckon I've escaped by being wary from learning from what's happened to them.

[TotallyBS]

I didn't say I have no experience of 'problem' relationships.

My MIL has been divorced three times. Husband number one (DP's dad) was physically abusive. Number two was a gambling addict. Number three was educated and never let her forget that she wasn't. Then there are my friends and their relationships......

All I am saying is that none of us knows what really goes on between the OP and her BF apart from the fact he withdraws when she "annoys him".

Maybe it's when she doesn't raise the toilet seat, in which case he is obviously a plonker. Maybe it's when she gives him major grief for wanting Guy Time or wanting to watch football on a Saturday afternoon or ... or .....

We don't know all the facts but yet some are keen to see "signs" based on their own past relationships.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Maybe it's when she doesn't raise the toilet seat"

You seem determined to trivialise and condescend. Not sure that's helpful.

[TotallyBS]

???@ Cogito. Some women post that their partner would get physically/mentally abusive if they did something trivial. I was making the point that if it was something trivial that was setting him off then he IS a plonker. How is that condescending?

[TotallyBS]

@Tis: the only "sign" we have is that he withdraws.

My dad 'withdraws' when my mum complains about the past 50 years of marriage e.g. forgotten anniversaries and birthdays, negative comments made by his mum when they were engaged etc etc. In itself it isn't a "sign" of an abusive male.

[Allergictoironing]

BS I gather you haven't been on MN for very long. There have been plenty of threads where, once the wise ladies have drilled down a bit, it ends up that the OP has been over-reacting to something trivial or are themselves being unreasonable (more often on AIBU than in Relationships). In those cases the OPs tend to be told in very firm tones that they are being unreasonable, to suck it up, work out some compromise, be more tolerant, get a grip etc.

There's also cases where maybe it IS something comparatively trivial, or where the thread starter is "at fault" but in a way that isn't really feasible to change, and it's a deal breaker for one partner. Or that a couple really just aren't compatible. In these cases what the hell is the point of staying together if at least one person is always going to be unhappy. So yes though the reasons may seem trivial to someone outside the relationship they can still be dealbreakers.

[TotallyBS]

Allerg: you've obviously missed the post where I said that the OP should let the guy go :)

Take my mom. She never forgets. To this day she still gives my dad grief over stuff that happened half a century ago like how his mum didn't like her (the woman has been dead for 30 years)

Now several decades later my dad suffers from mild depression. At the age of 80+ he can't face divorce but the constant emotional tirades over things that happened decades ago eats away at him. As for my mum, she can't let ago of things that happened half a century ago. So he withdraws. She then gives him more grief for sulking. They should have got divorced decades ago.

So, I am the last one to counsel the OP to keep the relationship going. Instead I was trying to make the point earlier that the BF was not necessarily being a plonker. He was just being a "guy"