I had an alcoholic mother who steadily drank herself into oblivion over 30 years. I did not suffer any abuse and actually had a very happy early childhood provided by my very forward thinking generous parents who also provided me with a good education and nice home.
Thing started to become difficult in my preteen and teenage years with lots of secret drinking by my mother going on with bottles hidden around the house, daytime naps and lots of drinks parties. My mum didn't have any particular mental health issues but just drank to excess and carried on. and on. and on.
No one spoke about it. No one went to the GP about it.
Later on when I was in my 20s she drank more and more losing her memory and her health. I tackled her about it several times and she said she would try to stop, but wouldn't go to the GP or detox or go to counselling.
As we were all wondering if she had cancer and what to do my father collapsed and had a cardiac arrest at home while my mum was busy drinking in the utility room.
Passers by tried to revive him and called an ambulance but he could not be resuscitated and died at the hospital that day.
Following this my mum went on a huge grief driven binge and had to be hospitalised although she kept self discharging or refused to let people in the house and eventually she was put under section for treatment... sadly although she survived she had extensive brain damage by now due to the alcohol and has never recovered.
This is just my story. Everyone with an alcoholic parent will have their own story and history, but some things we may all have in common.
There are difficulties that Adult children tend to have... not necessarily all of the ones described by NACOA. In my case I mainly lack social confidence and feel empty and lonely sometimes. However I think therapy might help me and I intend to look into this
I'd like to hear from anyone in a similar position so we can have a space to express ourselves.
There are particular issues many children of alcoholics face ... the deceit, the lies, the knowledge something isn't right, the selfishness of addiction, the choice of alcohol over loved ones and children, the grandiose gestures and false laughter, the smell of alcohol in the morning, the dirty dishes, the stubborn insistence of drinking despite everything, the safety / fire issues, the lack of security, the haphazard driving, the shame, the inability to put something right that can't be fixed as it is a choice and coming to terms with that.
[I would prefer it if those ACOA who are themselves addicted do not join this thread as I have too much anger inside me to tolerate and help alcoholics [sorry]]
//nacoa.org.uk
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Relationships
Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents
hogmanure · 28/12/2012 14:01
My dad was an alcoholic. He died young when I was only 21. His death certificate said "chronic alcoholism"
singalong your post is me ((hugs to you)) I'm quiet. Very rarely speak up for myself. I've gone on to have a good career and have a lovely DH and 2 children. But my marriage has gone through difficult times because of my inability to show emotion. Throughout my whole childhood I was never able to show sadness because I was being strong for my mum.
In the middle of the most awful screaming matchs between my mum and dad, my dad would shout upstairs for me to come down because 'I understood him' Baring in mind that I was 8 years old, it was 1am and I had school the next day! I used to sit on the sofa shivering with tiredness and listen to them shout at each other some more.
I have a fairly good relationship with my mum. But I've never gone to her for advice. She's never been a shoulder to cry on. I think because of all that I saw and heard as a child, I thought she was weak. I was the strong one. I've never needed anyone. My DH was the first person who allowed me to cry and tell the whole story. He cried when I told him too.
The things I saw, heard. No child should have to go through that. It's sad. I have extremely high expectations regarding my parenting. If DH as much as raises his voice to me in front of the kids, I have to walk away. He knows why. I avoid confrontations of any kind.
It's why I don't have the close relationship with my mum. How could she have stayed in such a destructive relationship? Where was her pride? How could she have done that to me? I would never, ever, ever, let my children go through what I did 
I know hogmanyay we both bawled our eyes out then kissed 
I met DH the year my dad died. At the time I thought it was my dad doing one good deed for me. Sending me a 'good guy'
Wow I have gone on about myself for a long time. 
We're off down to the DPs in a couple of weeks. Want to take my DF to a local Al-Anon meeting but no idea how to do that without telling DM. The fallout would be very unpleasant. For him. I know he'd get a lot of benefit though...
Might just go for myself as I'll miss my meeting with being at theirs. See if the mood is right for him to tag along
Hope everyone has peaceful Xmas & NYE stuff
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