DH's inheritance - AIBU to expect him to think of the family?

[namechangedtoprotectthemardy]

Yes, I know I've asked an AIBU question but thought it more appropriate to post under 'relationships' ....

DH's dad suffered from dementia for the last 5 or so years of his life and had to move into care for the last couple of years. He lived at the other end of the country so as well as being emotionally draining, supporting him also had a huge practical impact on our family life - with DH spending one in four / one in three weekends up with him, and trying to manage FIL's affairs from a distance the rest of the time.

FIL unfortunately died a year or so ago and so DH again had to spend lots of time away clearing the house, getting it ready for sale, periodically visiting to make sure it was ok etc. which again had a big impact on the family. At the time I'd just given birth to DS2 and also had a 6 year old DS1.

6 months or so ago it did sell and DH inherited half of what was left after care bills were paid ... but that's another story.

At that time DH had recently lost his job and was wanting to start his own business so was using the money to fund himself while he found something he wanted to do. (He has since used a small amount of the money to startup an internet business but it is something that will be a real slow burner and so is unlikely to generate income for a year or so, even then it is likely to be a few hundred pounds a months so a nice supplementary income but not something to live off.)

DH has also used some of the money to fund some -strictly limited! building works we needed doing to enable us to carry on living where we are now DS2 has come along.

What keeps bugging me, even though I keep telling myself that it's DH's decision to make, is that in none of this has he ever considered using any of the inheritance for anything family related - he spoke about us taking a couple of weeks away to chill out after everything that's happened but in the end that didn't materialise and it's now a vague, 'why don't we have a week or so camping next year'.

Wouldn't it be a natural thing to do to do something that gave you quality family time? Again it's his decision but I think why it keeps coming back into my mind is what this says about his attitude towards the family as a priority.

AIBU? Is it a 'man thing', just a different perspective on things? Or would you be feeling mardy too?

Thanks for bearing with the long rambling post .......!

[badguider]

Given your DH has had such a hard time lately and now has no job I can't help thinking that using the money to cover family finances while he sorts himself out is a good use of the money.

I know you've had a hard time too but imagine how much harder it'd be if your DH was on jobseekers. I reckon him sorting his life/work out in the new year should be first priority... forget about the money for now, if he can sort out his job/career then the money will still be there, and if he can't then be thankful you have that cushion.

Only you can know how or if you can help him with the new year, new career idea...

[BackforGood]

Well, would it work if you thought of all the possible options.... from carrying on as he is, just chipping away at the capital each month, to the other extremem of using it all to pay off your mortgage, via all sorts of possibilities or using some for x and some for y - including maybe him buying something to keep that he will know was "from" his Dad, and maybe including a holiday for you all, and write all sorts of options down and present it as a kind of.... "These are lots of thought I've had to do with the way we arrange our finances over the next 5 - 10 years... what do you think to each of them?" I'd include some rough sums to do with how quickly it will disappear if you just use it for everyday expenses / how much interest you will save if you pay off - say £20K or £40K of your mortgage / how much better off you would be each month if you aren't paying out for childcare / etc., to get some comparisons going. Start off by saying that obviously as it's come from his Dad, then obviously he needs to make the final decision about the inheritance, but ultimately the conversation is about your monthly incomings and outgoings as well, not just about this lump sum. Maybe you could arrange to have this conversation a few days after you first mention it, so he can have a think about what he realistically might be able to do with his business ideas or whatever too, and it's not all about you taking too much control, but is on an equal footing at the start ?

[Horsemad]

Not sure OP, my relative has never discussed it with her DH after the initial conversation. Her DH is a bit if a control freak and would prob not agree to anything either.

[namechangedtoprotectthemardy]

I've been thinking about this today since writing my original post yesterday and it's not so much that I want to 'splurge' the money on a big family holiday or something but that I want DH to have considered it. Given that he's not in a job a the mo this has take priority. The amount we're talking about is significant, not 6 figures but comfortably into the 10s of thousands. At the moment DP is using the capital to continue making his contributions to our joint account rather than seeing any urgency about getting a job. To me just using it to pay everyday expenses is madness.
I'm resolving to try to sit us down and discuss the situation in the new year but know from experience that if I make proposals DH will disagree on principle!
Any suggestions on how to move this forward without it turning into a confrontation?

[Horsemad]

This happened to a relative of mine; her DH was given money (50k) by his mother that she'd inherited from her parents.

Her DH told her that he'd received the money, banked it and has never spoken about it again!! They don't have the best relationship and have separate accounts, so not sure what will happen to that money.

[BackforGood]

But Meepameep - how can anyone who is half of a couple, or one of the adults in a family, seriously have thousands and thousands of pounds come into their life - a potentially life changing amount of money for most families, and not think it is something they would discuss jointly with their spouse ? .
Seriously - would you watch your spouse working all the hours of the day, possibly in a job they don't like, economising on this that or the other, and not think "Oh, I've got this big pot of money here... maybe if we did x or y, then life would be easier for my lovely wife/husband, and we would all be happier" ? Really ?

[Meepameep]

I dont agree with it being joint money at all. It was his father who fathered him, raised him, etc. He was his fathers little boy at some point just as your sons or daughters are yours.

Mumsnet is fascinating sometimes. If someone posts about a horrible FIL or MIL then its your DH's parents and they must deal with it. If a MIL or FIL dont tow the line then its ok to draw a line and refuse to see them/keep grandkids away from them, etc because they are only is parents and not your problem. When it comes to money when they die, then its joint? What nonsense.

[LadyHarrietdeSpook]

Yes and you're the only person bringing in income to the family.

I agree this changes the dynamics totally about whether the inheritance should be seen as equally controlled.

I am assume it's not big enough to generate the sort of interest that could make a difference to your monthly income. If it is, then I can see why he's protective of the capital.

[LadyHarrietdeSpook]

I actually think the issue is not exactly about spending the inheritance...I'm in the camp that wrt inherited money both spouses don't have exactly the same say over it.

BUT

It sounds to me like your issue is that collectively as a family you gave a lot to this situation with your FIL. Your husband is now kind of kicking back and pulling himself together after a very difficult time (which is understandable) but it sounds like YOU have sort of been expected to keep calm and carry on as normal throughout it all. You're not getting any break although in a different way you contributed just as much.

And in your case I would be thinking "I kind of deserve to relax too, etc" and if that means perhaps a holiday or something from the money he inherited....so be it.

Plus there is the added worry about when your DH is likely to get a job...

[fedupwithdeployment]

I wouldn't be happy about this. My Dad gave me a lump sum about 15 years ago which I used as a deposit on our first house. More recently, DH has taken voluntary redundancy (huge sum) and we have discussed together what to do with it (pay off some of the mortgage and maybe a fancy holiday holiday when he gets a job). A couple of months ago I received a (much smaller) settlement from my former employer. Again we discussed what should be done with the money.

I think quite of lot of the OPs resentment is coming from the fact that her DH doesn't have a job, and doesn't seem to want one. I think the inheritence is just one of many issues that need to be discussed. Unless it is a massive sum (in which case why not go on a decent family holiday), it will run out sooner rather than later....and a proper job will become a priority.

[auntmargaret]

I agree that your DH may have an emotional connection to the money that the OP doesn't have, and its quite likely he sees it as his money, rather than family money. Where in the UK are you? In Scotland, inheritance is expressly excluded from matrimonial property, it belongs to the person who inherited it. Think it's different in England though.

[BackforGood]

Once you have a family though, you have to look at the bigger picture of all income and assets needing to be balanced against all outgoings and debts.
The OP is the only one bringing regular money into the house at the moment, so, following the "mine/yours" separate argument, then she could just stop paying for childcare, but I can't help thinking in a successful relationship, you talk about all these major decisions together, and jointly decide what is right for you both (and your children) both for the long term, and for something you might want to treat yourself to now.

[drownangels]

I think it is DH's money to do what ever he want tbh.
It's not like he is taking money out of the family pot and pissing it away while the family are starving.
He has spent some of the money on the house.

I recieved a very substantial amount of money about 5 years ago and I was under instruction that it was my 'fun money'. Dh said there is no fun if the money goes on day to day expenses and the bills.

[BackforGood]

It sounds to me as if this is about more than just the inheritance. Why not say to him that you both need to assess where you are all going as a family with decisions to do with things like budgeting - childcare costs, having a holiday, how to invest his Dad's money, etc. Obviously, as it's come from his Dad then I think if you can't agree, he would get a casting vote, but this is about more than that, it's about how you manage as a family with a longer than expected period of unemployment, and about howyou are paying out for childcare when there is one parent not working, and how the money that might be able to be spent on something like helping him start a business will just fritter away in no time unless you start making some decisions about it together.

[Gay40]

It's a tricky one. I was left a little bit of money and DP said I could do what I liked with it as it was nothing to do with her - she had never even met the person who left it to me. So I bought a big family 4x4 because we had 1 one car on its way out, and a proper family holiday for us all no expense spared. I probably squandered the rest on crap like fancy post-it notes.
I'm not saying this is what you should do btw. There wasn't really anything that NEEDED doing and we aren't jewellry types. But I did think we should all enjoy the money, one way or the other.

[Daddelion]

Where does it say he's sitting at home wanking?

He's watched his father's demise over five years, he's helped care for him for two years, and his father died a year ago.

And he lost his job. He's spent some of his inheritance on building work, and is trying to change career.

He's been through a lot, I suppose he should just man up.

[SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh]

How long are you prepared to let him sit at home wanking? Is this 'business' of his something with any real chance of success? I appreciate that he's lost his father, but that's not a free pass to a lifetime's self-indulgence. You say he's set up a 'business' that's not actually going to make a living, just pocket money, and yet he expects you to support him and pay for childcare.

[Izzyschangelingisarriving]

thanks - I am hoping it wont stop! AGAIN

[namechangedtoprotectthemardy]

... I'm back! - Izzy best of luck with the labour - who knows, by morning you might be cuddling your beautiful newborn - just remember to breath

[namechangedtoprotectthemardy]

I'm off to bed (just seen the time and realised that in 5.5 hours I'll have a toddler bouncing up and down on me demanding his morning breastfeed )

Thanks for all your insights folks, it's always really helpful to have a reality check on these things. I'd appreciate any other comments too - just wanted to let you know I'm not ignoring them if you don't see a reply tonight!

[namechangedtoprotectthemardy]

Like no worries, light-hearted is good! I think I have been playing the waiting game on this since early summer 2012 so maybe in the new year will be the time to try to get some debate going. DH's first reaction will probably be to row, respond with stuff he feels I'm doing wrong! so I'm anticipating we'll probably have to go round the loop a few times, with some serious sulks in between, but hope we eventually get somewhere - this is why I'm so keen on us having counselling - if there's someone independent asking the questions and holding a mirror up to us then he may see that as less critical than if it's coming from me.

[likeatonneofbricks]

sorry Op for light hearted posts re izzy, I'd just leave it be for a short while while he's recovering emotionally, he may initiate the discussion himself.

[namechangedtoprotectthemardy]

Deck - I think it has hit DH hard, his dad was his hero although in later years he was also a grumpy old sod ('but he's OUR grumpy old sod!')

Whenever DH talks about it he'll talk about the frustrations of looking after FIL but rarely talks openly about missing him. I'm wondering if he's still stuck at the anger stage of grieving?

It's almost as though he's in a bit of a vaccuum at the moment not really knowing which way to go with work etc. I can help but it needs to be HIS decision as to what career he wants to follow. While FIL was ill DH did try a career change but had a couple of false starts. His confidence always seems bullet-proof (frustratingly so at times) but maybe he's taken it all more to heart than it seems?

Izzy - yes, it doesn't seem to have registered with DH that everything that's happened with FIL has had a big impact on our family life too over the last few years.

[likeatonneofbricks]

haha, I just thought could izzy have changed her writing style this much? there should to be more differences in your names - though I think you use longer words in yours .

[Izzyschangelingisarriving]

Poor you, it sounds like you have been having a hard time for a while with DHs dads illness as well.

Very difficult subject to broach, money issues always are.