Dumpable offence?

[Lueji]

I met this guy online about 6 months ago and hit it off easily.

We have a sort of LDR because we live in different towns (45m away) although we work in the same city, although not close to each other.

My issues are that I am divorcing DV ex. He was very jealous and at some point wrote that he?d kill me if I got with someone else. Not that I care that much about the specific threat, but I don?t want him to pester DS or to difficult the divorce even more if he finds out.

So, I have been keeping it secret from DS (7), which means not meeting very often. Also because ex is not around to take DS some days of the week.
And I don?t want to impose a relationship on DS without being fairly confident it will last.

We spend the night together at best every 15 days, but usually meet 1-3 times during the week. Mostly for about 1 hr, or more at weekends (usually with DS too). We also talk for an hour or more every night on the phone.
He has been mostly great, is good with DS and even the cat. I have met a friend of his, but not his family, nor him mine (in this case mostly by lack of opportunity). Although I was considering introducing him over the Christmas holidays.

There have been little things. More like yellow flags, that I have noted, but haven?t considered significant so far, and nobody is perfect.
However, when I stayed at his over the weekend, when we were in bed starting to getting it on (and that is a different thread), he said: ?You have to tell your DS that we are together. It's all very well meeting like this, but I want to be able to spend more time overnight at yours?
I was shocked enough to stop it. And he asked me if I was sad, which, again, was a bit weird, IMO. I said I was pensive. At the time I admitted that maybe I was being too cautious. But thinking more and more about it, it feels like a red flag.
It was the timing and the words he used.
I would be receptive to a proper conversation about the subject, at another time, and without being told, particularly something that involves a young DC.
I think I have made up my mind to finish it off. Probably tomorrow and I have bailed out of tonight?s regular phone chat. But would like to have your opinions.

Could he just be frustrated? I can understand it.
Or could really there be something behind it?
Because of ex (and MN) my spider ?twat-- senses are on full alert (even if they are not full proof). And his words can't get out of my mind.

[Feckthehalls]

You are massively over thinking what he said.

But Maybe you just don't want to be with him. That's fair enough

[arghhhmiddleage]

If you only get to spend a night together every 15 days, he may well be feeling a pressure to 'perform on demand'. I'm not sure I'd be that keen on that, and I'm female. I think you just need to have a proper conversation about where you both are, and where you both see this going. Then make your decision.

[Astelia]

I agree with Feck.

[Hyperballad]

Go with your gut and dump!

You don't seem comfortable with him, he makes you feel uneasy in some ways. Dump!

I understand why you didn't like what he said. It's insensitive and smacks of controlling.

[Allergictoironing]

I'm assuming that sex is infrequent because you can't spend that many nights away from your DS?

As arghhhmiddleage says, there could be a bit of performance anxiety going on and he feels that the sex may go better if you can sleep together more often - if you only get the chance fortnightly then it "has" to take priority when you stay at his place. If he could spend the night with you more often then it wouldn't be so critical to perform every time.

The timing of thinking about this seems pretty logical to me. There he is, getting it on with you, and he's is likely to be thinking "wish we could do this more often, that means staying at your place, which means telling your DS.....", and mid-nookie isn't the best time to try to phrase things carefully!

Ever thought that HE might be feeling that you aren't committed to the relationship, that he's being kept at arms length intentionally? He could be feeling your doubt about it all & reacting to that, and maybe not wanting to introduce you to his parents as he wants to be sure you aren't going to dump him straight after, or to make you feel like he's pressurising you when you aren't ready. Plus private together time is clearly pretty rare, so he may not want to use any of it on the awkward "first meeting with DPs parents".

[bumhead]

Jeez you need to calm it down a bit Op.
He felt intimate with you and probably used the wrong choice of words given your background but he probably felt like it was a romantic moment.
If you want to dump him then dump him, but be honest with yourself about why that is, don't just pin all the blame on him because you're panicking.
And as for not wanting to see him more often because you haven't met his parents, have we fallen into 1840 or something? He only gets to have sex with you once a fortnight and you're critiquing his sexual performance. Did it never occur to you that he might have performance anxiety? Most women don't orgasm through penetration BTW. They need other stimulation...
Also you say in your OP that you haven't told DS about this guy, then you go on to say he is great with DS. So which is it?

[MissKeithLemon]

Lueji, i agree completely with what garlic said too.

I would hate to be told I 'had' to do something, especially if it concerned MY dc. I would really hate that it was dropped into conversation right before sex. There are much better ways of telling a person that you'd like the relationship to move on.

I'd trust your instincts and get rid especially if the sex is crap

[bumhead]

I don't think he was giving her an order in the slightest, I think he was just emphasising his wish to spend more time with her...
It's her interpretation of his words given her DV background.
Maybe she should ask him what he meant.

[Lueji]

I totally understand performance anxiety and I (try to) take pressure away.
So, I follow his lead because I don't want to pressure him.
But this comment, for example, did a good job at sabotaging it.
And it felt like an ultimatum.

I'm not bothered too much about meeting the parents, really. It was just an example.
It's just that to finally involve DS and particularly in the context of divorce and ex, I'd think that we should be at least a little bit involved in extended family life first.
And there is no guarantee that sex would be better if we met more often. In fact, I don't think I want to commit further (tell DS) unless it gets better.
So, we have a problem. :)

I don't feel it's crap. He is quite cuddly, generous and generally considerate. But, in a way I feel that I am more passionate than he is. I often do give more than he asks, but not time. And he has his own time constraints.

I'll have a proper conversation with him today.

[dequoisagitil]

I think you should follow your instincts. If things aren't right, then things aren't right. You're not ready to get in deeper with this guy, and that's absolutely fine.

If you're not confident that he wants to be with you anyway and think you might just be convenient, there's no point to it.

I don't think you should dismiss your gut feelings - the worst outcome of dumping him for possible controlling signs, is that you get rid of a guy that you're not sure is that into you and that the sex is poor with (and it turns out he isn't a controlling type) - you've still got rid of someone who you're not confident wants you & who the sex ain't great with. I call that a win.

And if your instincts are on the money, you'll swerve a controlling a-hole. Another win.

I'm against trying to be patient and hoping it's performance anxiety, when it could be something else, like erectile dysfunction, low libido, all sorts of things. Meh. There's no obligation to try to make a relationship work at this stage - it should be fairly simple and fun. If it's not fun, if you're having doubts, then you don't need it.

[shouldkeepquiet]

Just a quick point with regards to the 'performance ' issue. It sounds from what you said he has been alone for a long time - resigned to being alone - i think you said. It is a fact that if men do not have sex for a number of years then they gradually loose the ability. The phrase 'use it or loose it' come from this i think. As he has mentioned sex twice a month may not be enough to fire the engine up again if you see what i mean. I don't think he is blaming you just trying to explain why he is stuggling to go from zero to 100 MPH straight away.

[suburbophobe]

he?d kill me if I got with someone else.

This alone would have me running for the hills.

[Lueji]

His last relationship was 2 years ago, and it had lasted a couple of years, I think. So it's not like a life of celibacy.

I'm not putting any pressure on him about it. At least not consciously (I do have a higher libido).
But I don't appreciate being put on the spot for it.
TBH, I suspect there is a physical component, but I haven't told him he has to go to the gp about it.

There was a comment earlier about not phrasing things carefully at certain times.
I think that is very much so. And it's even more important to listen carefully then.

[Lueji]

suburbophobe, I'm not sure what you mean there.

Ex said that, when we separated, not current partner.
Do you mean, that my current partner should have run for the hills?
He probably should have, but he was in the know from the first times we met.

[flurp]

If you were sure about him you wouldn't have seen a flag there at all, like most of us aren't.
The fact is your gut instinct is telling you this isn't right and IME this is rarely wrong for whatever reason.
I think like the others said above that you aren't ready for a relationship anyway, so you should put the brakes on this one and enjoy being single for a while until your divorce is through and you are free to meet someone without complications from your ex (who sounds like a dick btw!)