Love but not attracted to my husband... How did your stories end?

[Lostwithoutacompass]

My husband is pretty much faultless, we have been married for 10 years and we have 3 children aged 5 and under. However I am absolutely no longer attracted to him but love him very much as a friend. I have done so much soul searching about this for months & months. I don't think I was ever really attracted to him but it didn't matter because we got on so well, never argued and that seemed enough but I seem to have just hit my limit on feeling guilty or uncomfortable about how i feel, or dreading having to come up with an excuse not to have sex, or comparing him to other men which i know it totally unfair. I think i want us to eventually end up in separate places, not too far from each other, co parenting in an amicable manner. I absolutely do not want to do the: date nights, new underwear, quality time away together, etc, etc. This is not about being too tired or stressed re everyday things, etc to have sex. I have taken the step of saying that I no longer feel that way about our relationship and that I would prefer to focus on our friendship which has always been our strongest asset. I know this must be killing him and I wish i could change things but since that conversation I am happier than I have been in months if not years and feel such relief so surely that says a lot..? We still have a laugh and are kind to eachother, etc. and I suppose I am waiting for him to be ready to take the next step whenever that might be. How is everyone else doing with their situations..?

Notanother thanks so much for your post. I have been trying to approach this as honestly and kindly as possible but some posters here, (and popmusic, I do want to take them all into consideration otherwise what's the point of coming on here) believe I am actually being totally unfair. So I'm not quite sure what to do. I thought I was giving him space to think about it, take it in, decide what he thinks is the right thing to do but some posters think I am just creating more agony than necessary. In your experience and with the benefit of hindsight, and also without wishing to pry, would you have any advice about how we move forward, what would have helped you, what you wish ,ight have happened differently..?

Pinkdelight your post is really helpful, thank you.

However, I do just want to reclarify to everyone, I am not waiting for him to make the next move or leave. I have told him how I feel and am giving him space to take it in and work out how he feels, then we hopefully eventually find a solution together. I am trying to make sure we walk next to each other on this, not me in front or me pushing him forward.

Go to counselling to unravel what is really going on here.

He will then have time to come to terms with your marriage ending-if that is the outcome. If not -you may find that you are able to communicate your way through this and feel differently about your relationship.

You are more likely to be on a more amicable footing if this relationship is over if you both feel you have had the opportunity to express your feelings.

My point is that you haven't said you have tried this yet. Also it sounds like there night be underlying resentment issues which are affecting your relationship.

These may have nothing actually to do with your husband.

I agree with the poster above, go to Relate and talk ths over properly before doing anything drastic. We have been twice and they were incredibly helpful.

I have been where you are and I did leave- long story, best in a pm. Regrets- yes and no. I think tbh that you're damned if you do and damned if you don't- this situation is a real conundrum and it's a balanced one- do many positives and negatives either way. Think very, very carefully and get help.

Sorry , phone! SO many positives and negatives!

Lost, I have no problem with telling you about my experiences. Pry away! However, I'm not sure whether it'll be that relevant to your situation, you see the initiator of the separation in my case was finding out that my STBXW was having an affair (which had been going on for about 3 years). I have posted about this before, so you should be able to find out the details by searching through my posts.

The affair and its aftermath were incredibly damaging and corrosive, and it would have been much better if my STBXW had voiced her concerns the way you have. From what you say, like myself and my STBXW, you and your DH should not have married in the first place. There is no way to completely avoid the heartache that comes with separation, but you are going about this in as responsible and respectful way as possible.

I would echo what others are saying about counselling. A good counsellor can be tremendously helpful in cutting through the bullshit that we tell both ourselves and others to justify our actions, and pin-pointing our real motivations and insecurities.

As you will see from previous postings, I'm also in a similar situation. But my kids are 22,20,17 and 9. It's been over 2 years since I told DH I could not stand it if he touched me.

Still waiting for things to improve or the right time to leave. It's agony being on the fence. I thought it would be too traumatic to leave when the kids were little (and as I was a SAHM impossible financially).

Recently I finally decided to leave after Xmas, despite AS levels this year for one child, but now probably can't as I've just discovered my 17 year old has eating issues. I think it better to leave when they are young if you can afford to. Another reason to stay always crops up and they just get bigger and bigger reasons! Everyone I know thinks we have THE perfect marriage which somehow makes it even harder to carry on the sham. But I guess we would all do anything for our kids....

Relate was helpful to me - 14 months of weekly sessions. I found it sorted all sorts of my personal issues out but did absolutely nothing at all for my marriage. In fact it made me realise I was totally self-reliant and has distanced me completely from my husband. We hardly communicate at all now. Everyone I know comments on how I am a totally different person to a few years ago - far more confident and out-going - largely due to counselling I think.

OP, I possibly could have written most of your initial post a few months back. DH and I married far too young and whilst both of up have changed, I have certainly changed to most. With two young dc's really close together, lack of sleep and taking on far too much our relationship really suffered. He has said there were times if would have liked to have walked but I know I had wished this almost on a daily basis.

The turning point for me was at a friends wedding. I looked at them happy and them looked at my DH and wished that I could feel the same, but I couldn't. I came to terms with the fact that I would need to have a talk with up about going our separate ways, but when I thought about it, and I mean really thought about it, the possibility of not having him in my life have me the clarity that I needed.

We had a chat, I told him that I was unhappy, but what surprised me was that I actually feel quite neglected (think Peter Andre and you won't go far wrong)!. We decided to make time for each other. Just little things like letting the dc play and up just talking for a few minutes. We also decided to put our happiness before the dc's. Don't get me wrong, they do not go without love or our time but in order to reconnect we had to put ourselves first. We also touch a lot more, nothing sexual, just touching. This has made a big difference.

A friend has the motto of "fake it til you make it", and I have tried to adopt this and so far its working. If I have negative thoughts about him I rush them to the back of my mind.

Keep with the counselling, give it your damndest and if it really doesn't work they at least you know you have done everything in your power.

Yes, you could go on to meet someone else, but how do you know you will not feel like this again?

I wish you well.

Keep with the counselling, give it your damndest and if it really doesn't work they at least you know you have done everything in your power.

Yes, you could go on to meet someone else, but how do you know you will not feel like this again?

I wish you well.

THIS!

Thank you everyone for your feedback and ideas, even the ones that are hard to hear. Will get through Xmas and then definitely sort out counselling. Lots of good advice from you all and I will take it all on board, thank you!

Oh dear, how sad for you all - you, hubbie and kids.
I thought I felt this way about my ex - no, I DID feel this wayabout my ex. I felt he did nt value me and he did nt value the family and he was only concerned with his own Happiness, Achievements and Development. He also had a bit of a sexual fetish that I was not going to indulge which totally revolted me.
BUT when he left me for a woman 18 years younger than both of us I suddenly realised that its not just about me. The effect on the children - even though they were 14, 16 1nd 21 was immeasurable. And if I had been really thinking about their happiness, achievements and development then I would have put more into (at least pretending) to care for the ex's.

Divorce is not great for the children - emotionally or financially.

I just found this thread after typing in similar key words. How did things work out? I feel exactly the same as you did but I can’t see an exit that will make everyone happy x

"I suppose I am waiting for him to be ready to take the next step"

Are you hoping he'll be the one to do the shit job of going to the divorce lawyer and setting things in motion? If you really respect him and wish to make things easier for him, then its up to you to do this.

OP, how did things end up with you? I'm feeling the same after 16 years.

I thought I was too late to find someone. But I married a lovely man, he still is, but I never fancied him. I stayed with him almost 10 years and we have 1 DD together. There were other issues as well, but not abusing etc.
We slept in separate bedrooms for 9 years. It was like being sister and brother.

I've dreamed of meeting someone and adoring them, like I did an ex bf from many years ago.

My mum died and then my dad became really ill. I realised that life was too short to be in such a relationship. I also wanted to show my daughter that married life shouldn't be about sleeping in separate beds. Although, I'm five years single and still haven't found a lovely man who could help me show my DD how a loving relationship should be.

My ex and I separated. We live in the same village. Life was tough and he sent some foul messages for the first year. But we are here now, amicable, our DD can walk between houses when she wishes, she's 11. We all went on holiday abroad last year. He stayed around for tea last week. He still makes me laugh.

I think you can make separation as hard or as difficult as you wish. But if the decision is to put your children first, bite your tongue occasionally and ignore the hatred in the first year, then all will be ok, if you do decide to separate.

@Lostwithoutacompass I know this is a very old thread- but if you’re still out there, I’d love to know how this panned out. Feeling similar.

I posted just over 2 years ago 2 posts up asking how the OP ended up. I didn't get a response butttttt I can tell you how my story ended up.

After doing counselling and having numerous conversations with my husband about what we should do (keep trying or separate), he kind of left the ball in my court. I was really in a state about what to do and then one day I went for a massage and afterwards I just cried and cried and I knew that I had to tell him it was over.

We cried together and I went to stay at a friend's for a few days. There was a horrible few conversations where we decided what would happen next.

He moved out and rented somewhere very close and we do 50/50 co-parenting. I won't lie, it was a horrendous time for me. Full of guilt, insecurity with finances and future home situation, it was all a blur of grief. But with lots of therapy, I got through it. And it was honestly the best decision. I am a much better parent now, my daughter throughout has been incredible (she absolutely loves having 2 houses and I check in with her a lot about it, but honestly now she says she doesn't even really remember when we all lived together - she just turned 5 when we separated), I feel like I have had the freedom to become truly myself. My ex and I are totally amicable which is fantastic and I think the reason why our daughter is thriving with our new setup.

The cherry on top is that I met a new partner who is everything I never even let myself imagine. My daughter gets to see a truly loving relationship which cements my feelings that 'staying together for the children' is a really toxic idea. I understand that financially it's not always possible to separate, but outside of that, staying together when you don't love someone anymore is death by a thousand paper cuts.

Life is too short to be unsatisfied. I love the time I had with my ex, we were great together for a very long time, and I'll always look back on that time with fondness (and it's still hard after being together so long) but it was 100% the right decision to separate. And while I am a changed person now from that experience, I am living my best life.

I’m sure I’ll get downvoted for this and my next post but monogamy isn’t natural state for most human beings and being attracted to the same person sexually for 20 plus years is not the norm. Marriages are not easy and need to be worked on from both parties especially if children are involved. This includes working on sexual chemistry. It’s highly unlikely you will lust after the same person with the same degree as relationships move from months into years into decades. But the best marriages take a lot of sacrifice and work. It is worth it.

Not horrible if you have supportive inlaws and parents on both sides and can be amicable with your ex-partner. Both our parents were divorced and now all happily remarried so we have good role models and everyone understands. Our child is completely well adjusted and emotionally intelligent. She loves having 2 houses. She was 4 when we separated though and we co-parent exactly 50/50. So for her, she got to see both of us equally and if you can avoid any conversation to a 4 year old like "mummy and daddy don't love each other anymore" (so damaging) then you can avoid a lot of confusion and pain. We just said "you know how mummy and daddy like doing different things?" To which she said "yes". We then said we thought it would be a nice idea to have 2 different houses where we could live in the ways that we wanted to and do things a bit differently. We asked what she thought of that and she said "cool!". And then all 3 of us went to her dad's new place and got excited together about her new room, etc. The end. Both of us check in with her regularly and ask if she has any questions but 4.5 years on, she's never seemed bothered. She told me one time that someone in her class asked if it was sad that her parents were divorced and she came home and asked me legit confused why anyone would think that. She is adored and loved by both of us and our new partners and often says how great our is that so many people love her that sometimes she forgets their names (due to all the extended family) 🤣

Now don't get me wrong, when my parents divorced it was awful - but my mum had an affair so there was a lot more going on than just 2 people who grew apart. So I am the child of a horrible divorce, which meant I absolutely knew what I wanted and didn't want to happen.

I know my story may be rose coloured glasses, and believe me it was awful at the time and there are still some hiccups here and there but actually we probably communicate better than we ever did before now because we do it for her. Both of us have done individual counselling to help us get through It.

Life is too short to be miserable and I find it really strange that anyone would recommend staying in an unfulfilling relationship. No you can't expect that same new relationship energy list to last forever but you should still be attracted to your partner - not in a superficial good looks way, but on a deeper intimate level. Companionate relationships can be wonderful, but it sounds like at 40 this woman wants more. A happy parent = happy children. That's not selfish. It's the most loving thing you can do for your child.