What a night

[Tearsforfears]

Well I just can't believe this is happening to me. Know DH and I hadn't been getting on lately but last night he tells me he has been having an affair. I am devastated totally in shock and feel like my heart has been ripped out, we have been together 22 years - 18 married. My 15 year old DS heard us talking and knows what is going on and he has shut himself away in his bedroom I just want to hold him and tell him it is going to be ok but teenagers can be tricky at the best of times.
Husband slept in other room last night and has left the home this morning to go to work. I have asked him to pack and leave later today. I have been up most of the night trying to get my head around it. There is a part of me that wants to try and sort this out but another part just wants him gone. Never thought I would even consider staying with someone who has had an affair am I stupid for wanting this.
Sorry this is all over the place but my head is at the moment and just feel so alone.

[CremeEggThief]

Please don't put too much pressure on yourself and don't think too far ahead. You are bound to be in shock. He really couldn't have picked a worse time of year .

Take care.

[SobaSoma]

I feel your pain OP. Went through the same thing 7 years ago but am now a happier, stronger person and largely because of it. DD was 7 and has grown into a beautiful well-adjusted teen. I can quite understand how consumed you are about OW and wanting to know who she is but you'll find out in time. How ironic that DH's poor parents have two children living back with them for the same reason!

Try not to drown your sorrows too much, it can be a downward spiral and it got me into a lot of trouble. Lean on your friends and get online support (apart from here) - there are some really good groups for people going through divorce. At the moment it's still very raw but know that in time everything will fall into place and your heart will heal. I promise.

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

It's so recent still, you are bound to feel absolutely sh**. I think you can only take this one day at a time at this stage and probably for quite a while. I'd suggest you treat yourself and DS to whatever works for you this Xmas. A drink is ok, but as you know, best not to get too locked into that as an escape. Have you worked out what you will do Xmas day etc?

[Tearsforfears]

I can't believe it has been a week since he told me. Still so numb the pain inside seems to get worse each day, can't eat or sleep for long, alcohol intake has gone through the roof - I know the wine is not helping but just gives me a few hours respite from the pain.
DS saw him last night and when he got back wanted to grill him about his dad but I know that I can't.
Just so consumed about the ow, don't know who she is/what she looks like and have convinced myself if I knew it would help me move on. Keep thinking is he with her now, was even going to hide a mobile in his car to track his movements so I could find her and confront her.
Christmas has always been such a big event in our family and I just wish it would go away, people wishing me a happy Christmas i just want to scream at them don't you know what has just happened to me but I just smile and say it back.

[KirstyWirsty]

Can you 'lose your keys' and have to get the locks changed??

[Tearsforfears]

Bad night tonight feeling very down, went back to work today which wasn't to bad after having a minor panic attack before going in.
H picking DS up at 5 tomorrow first time they have seen each other since last friday night. I won't be home from work when he picks DS up. Feeling very vulnerable that he may go in the house when I'm not there. Advice please do I come home early or do I just ask DS not to let him in?

[EllenJaneisstillnotmyname]

Really sorry you are going through this, OP. It really sucks. My verysoonTBEX H left just over a year ago after 22 years together and 16 years married. My now 15 yo DS1 is just fine. I was completely honest with the DC without slagging off their dad, as they'd had enough lies. Just did the we both still love you, it's not your fault but your Dad doesn't love me anymore, he loves the OW. Ex now lives with the OW and my 3 DSs spend every other w/e with him quite happily. (I'm not happy that she spends so much time with them, but their need to have a relationship with their dad comes first.)

You might find that your DS comes down firmly on your side as teenagers can be very moralistic and will see it in very black and white terms. If so, try hard not to use him as your emotional sounding board, not healthy for either of you. My DS1 appreciated being treated honestly and I did keep him informed about what was going on with arrangements etc. He has grown up a lot over the last year.

Others will have better advice, I'm sure, but do get a good solicitor and make sure you are compensated for any childcare vs career choices you may have made as a couple. Don't go for 50/50 custody unless it's what you and your DS really want, as my DSs were dead set against it, as was I. I'm sure for some EX Hs it's more to do with reducing maintenence costs than for the benefit of the DC. At 15 your DS's opinions will count.

(((hugs))) You will get through this. A bit of anger and the moral high ground will help in the short term. I lost 22 years worth of comfort eating weight, half in 2 months, the rest over the next year. Every cloud, eh?

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

I can't remember if this brilliantly helpful link has been posted on your thread, but there you go.

[susanann]

Well done OP. You need to grieve and think about what you want. So glad youre being strong but glad youre also having a cry. You need to release your tears. Glad you have parents to support you and your son. Hang on in there. Take care x

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Yes, you sound amazing, OP. You are going to come out of this with your dignity intact. Him ?...not so much.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

You're doing amazingly well and I've nothing but admiration for you. Fantastic that you took control of where and when he got his stuff. Glad he was shocked. Work is actually a really good place to be when you need to stop your mind racing. Good luck

[Poledra]

Real friends won't see you as 'needy'. They'll see you as someone they love and that they want to help and support. If you were my friend, I'd want to do anything I could to make your life easier. Lean on them - it's what friends are there for.

[Tearsforfears]

It's been such a roller coaster over the last 4 days. Just met H to give him all his stuff that he did not take at the weekend. Think he was shocked I gave him everything think he expected to just pop back to get stuff as and when. I met him in a car park as did not want him in the house. I was quiet calm really only mentioned other woman a few times! Discussed arrangements for DS over Christmas DS had said what he wanted to do which made it easier.
RL friends have been amazing but don't want to be viewed as needy! Still not sleeping and have not eaten properly since it happened hopefully will shift those extra pounds I have put on lately!
Taking each hour as it comes after dropping DS at school today just curled up and cried for an couple of hours. Think I need to go back to work might stop me thinking about it all for a while.
Contacted solicitors today but can't get in until after Christmas. But have read up my rights on Internet which has helped.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

how you doing, OP ?

[EdithWeston]

Also, search for olgaga's posts which contain oodles of useful links about places you can turn to for practical help in securing the necessary financial and other administrative support needed for separation/divorce.

As your DS is a teen and has heard part of the rowing, it is probably better to tell him fairly straight that his father has left because of an affair: sometimes it's better not to give the full story, but as he has part, it's likely to be better to give a fuller account for otherwise his imagination might fill in the blanks with something even worse. You (ideally both of you) need to stress at this is a matter between the two adults, nothing to do with him, and that you both love him very much and will always be his mother and father and available to him whatever the new living arrangements settle down to be.

[izzyizin]

//www.womensaid.org.uk

[izzyizin]

If you cite adultery as ground for divorce you won't have to name the OW as these days naming and shaming is actively discouraged more's the pity.

To get your ds through his exams, I suggest you take the line that 'these things happen' and don't vent in front of him or within his hearing.

It won't be easy but if you immerse yourself in the unemotional practicalities of ending a marriage you should be abe to put on a brave front for your ds at least until his exams are over - and by faking it you may find you make it.

Source a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family - get recommendations from friends/acquaintances, from your nearest Women's Aid offices www.womensaid.org.uk or ask on the Legal matters board. Many offer a free half an hour intitial consulatation which should be sufficient to give you an idea of your legal entitlements.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you but, as you know, you're not alone and getting to a solicitor before Christmas will at least give you a headstart on the January rush.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

"he loves me but does not want to be with me,"

I absolutely HATE that one!!! 'I love you but....'. Such a bloody cop-out. Do they think it's going to make you feel better somehow? 'I love you........ but........ I'm going to cast you aside like an old sock, break your heart and flush what's left of your self-esteem down the shitter.' Gee, if that's how you treat people you love, I'd hate be see someone you didn't like!!

It's not too soon to be thinking about divorce. You don't have to have all the details either. Just talk to your solicitor and see what the options are at this stage. Probably pays not to rush into anything but get all the information, take your time and think it all through

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Glad to see you looking so strong. x

[Tearsforfears]

I feel more in control today. Stayed with my parents last night had too much wine and sent him lots of abusive texts, not my best idea but made me feel better.
He has moved out today and moved into his parents, rather funny as his sister is currently living there because of the exact same reason.
Spoken to a few friends today and everyone is so shocked, they all thought we where a strong unit which I did too.
I have asked him who the OW is but he won't tell me just want to know all about her is that wrong?
Spoken to H today he says he loves me but does not want to be with me, that hurt. Done everything for him even turns out I ironed and packed all his clothes when I thought he was going away with work colleagues and he went away with her!
DS is angry at his Dad just really worried on how he is going to be, he has exams in January and at the moment is doing so well at school and I just don't want this to effect him.
Going to contact solicitors tomorrow to try and sort out my rights. Does anyone know if I go for divorce because of adultery do I have to name the ow? Maybe a bit soon thinking about it but at the moment.
Have read some great pieces of advice on this and other threads has really helped the last couple days.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

How are you today?

[JuliaScurr]

tears mumsnet will help you
horrible situation for you
you will come through this
:)
one day/hour at a time

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

"He says he doesn't know what he wants but he must do if he told me about the OW. "

Tell him he ought to make a beeping noise when he backs up like that.... It's simply cruel to be given on the one hand the news that there's someone else and, on the other, a very selfish 'I don't know what I want'. Like kicking down the sandcastle and then wondering if a flag or a seashell would have looked best on top. Too late really...

[CremeEggThief]

And it's about what you want now. Not him!

[CremeEggThief]

Oh God :(. SO sorry to hear this.

I went through this in June and I have very little RL support. Take up all offers of help for as long as it's going and take things one hour at a time. You will be in shock and probably not able to eat or sleep much all.

What a time of the year for him to drop his bombshell .