Staying friends with OW

[annie752]

Can I just check the general opinion to make sure I am not going mad? If you DH had an affair and you found out and you were both meant to be making it work and going to counselling and they said they loved you and would do anything to keep you would it be acceptable to continue to have contact with OW? (above and beyond what is necessary on a professional level at work)

[Looksgoodingravy]

I'll try again

All communication with the OW should have been severed when you found out. Dp blocked ow from fb and changed his mobile number, we're of the agreement that if he were to bump into any of the ow I will know about it, everything is now open to me. I can't see how your dh can think that it is still ok to stay in touch with her and not just that sharing a bloody coffee. No, not on!!

Your dh needs a reality check and that can only come from you! Let him see what he stands to lose if contact is not severed immediately!

[Looksgoodingravy]

Annie all c

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Also you need to discuss secrets and lies (including those by omission) and how damaging these can be to a relationship, particularly one that is recovering from infidelity.

[MordecaiMargaret]

He's hiding his relationship with her from you, even if platonic, that's still deceiving you. It would make me sick to think of them having coffee and discussing being friends forever and them having to keep it from you. They still have their little secrets together. He shouldn't be hiding anything from you if he's serious about making it work now, bring it up in counselling, you'll probably learn a lot from his reaction.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Have a look at this link:

www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Sorry but that text shows they are still having an affair - even though it might be just emotional. They are sharing secrets and confidences - diverting energy and resources away from your marriage.

I bet he never had to work on himself to find out why and what made him cheat - and that everything was swept under the carpet after a short period of time? The problem with this approach is that he is still vulnerable to cheating again.

If he really is committed to the marriage then he has to do everything to help you recover:

• cut all ties with OW
  
• go to therapy/read books etc to sort himself out
  
• full transparency and openness
  
• willingness to answer questions honestly

[Abitwobblynow]

Sleigh - ha ha ha !

Sorry Annie, not laughing at you, but I recognise it. This is all very painful, and it has taken me 3 years to get to the point to know there is nothing, he isn't the person I thought he was etc.

Take one day at a time, and focus on YOU. You have been devastated and you need to build your self-esteem back up. Who you are, what you need, what you deserve. This is time never wasted. Start squirrelling money away. Go on a course.

You will manage your life, instinctively, the best for you. It might take years, when your children are a bit bigger, or whatever, but you will do it right for you. Good luck Annie

[BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels]

I totally agree about friends forever reeking of lost opportunities and longing. It crosses another line. I would never, ever say that to my ex and friend. Ever. Its intimate and suggests a deep spiritual bond.

[YouCanBe]

Hmm. "Friends forever" and they met up for coffee at least once, and they are obviously still in regular contact but being more secretive about it... This is totally still an affair. I am sorry annie. :(

[SleighbellsRingInYourLife]

"given time it could develop into a full blown affair again."

It still is a full blown affair.

It's just in the "we've been rumbled" self-denial, "I can't leave my children but you're the love of my life" phase.

This bit is even more exciting than the plain old secret shagging.

[MrsTerrysChocolateOrange]

friends forever has a very different flavour to a platonic message. I have plenty of male friends and would NEVER text that to any of them. It sounds all star-crossed lovers . Not good.

[ZenNudist]

There's some hard messages on here but not wrong. I think her text sounds very much as if he's got her on standby. Is he in the kind of job where he does overnight stays, office parties without you, flexitime so can leave work early or lots of late nights? It sounds like you can't trust him so you're going to have to watch him. Do you want to live like that? Be strong. Have the courage to face him on this.

[BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels]

Again, I disagree. A romantic relationship can go back to being platonic. But by insisting on "staying friends" with the ow he shows a total lack of respect. As I said before, just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

[Doha]

There is still chemistry between them and given time it could develop into a full blown affair again.
You cannot ignore this.
Could you ask him if he has seen or heard from OW recently and just see what he says?
I have a wee feeling he will not admit to meeting her and if that is the case--well you know exactly where you stand, behind her in the loyalty queue.

[SleighbellsRingInYourLife]

"But I just don't know if it worth rocking the boat over when everything is in a steady state"

If he's involved in "friends forever" bullshit with the woman he cheated with, the "steady state" is an illusion.

It sounds like you've given up on your marriage.

Fighting for it would involve sticking up for yourself.

[AfishhCalledElvira]

This is the bible of surviving an affair www.amazon.co.uk/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

And she states categorically that unless contact with the OW is severed, trust cannot be rebuilt. As a previous poster said, a romantic relationship cannot go back to being platonic.

He's being an arse

[ErikNorseman]

This is absolutely no kind of marriage. I think you know that. They will be mooning at each other lamenting lost opportunities and saying 'in another lifetime...' To each other. Can you bear that?

[BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels]

I agree with af, you deserve so much better than this. Can you rteally live like this? Can you accept a half-life, devoid of respect, tenderness and love? Not knowing if he is being truthful and scared to speak up? Is he that much of a catch?

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

it's in a "steady state" because he has his cake, he's scoffing it and laughing at you while he does it

are you so grateful to him for staying you will overlook anything ?

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Head in the sand is not an option.

if you don't want to have "mug" stamped on your forehead

is he really worth hanging on to ?

[annie752]

Hi all. Sorry- has been a hideously long day and have not had a chance to reply but have been reading as I go along. I am so grateful to everyone for their answers- I sort of knew I was right but think I needed some moral support!

Someone asked how I found out. Since the affair DH has taken the password off his phone and leaves it on the side when he comes home (on my request- I know that sound bad) He got a text literally just after he put it down when he got home from work and he had gone to the toilet so he did not know I saw it when it popped up (iPhone so you can see it). The number was not saved but I know it was hers and it just said "Of course- friends forever. Thanks for the coffee was good to see you and have a great evening xxx" I don't know if they have still been talking all along or if this is new obviously.

I know I have to think about talking to him about it. But I just don't know if it worth rocking the boat over when everything is in a steady state. I have already lost a lot of love and respect for him and I am so fed up of being angry all the time I sort of wonder about just letting it go and accepting we should just focus on the kids being happy and us getting on ok and that that is the best to hope for

[MadAboutHotChoc]

How dare he!

After all the pain and trauma he caused, he is failing to put YOU first. He is choosing to prioritise his friendship with OW over his marriage.

Get him Linda MacDonald's How to Help your Spouse Heal - he might then "get it".

[MrsTerrysChocolateOrange]

This happened to a friend of mine and I told him this, that his partner cares much more for the OM's feelings and her own feelings than she cares about him. She was feeding him a line that he shouldn't 'control who she was friends with'. I told him that he shouldn't unless, and in a relationship this should be implied, she chose to fuck one of them and lie to him about it.

Remember your DH took away your right to chose your decisions by lying to you. Now he wants to carry on as usual and do whatever he likes. Not a good sign.

[Xales]

I love you. I will do anything required to fix this except give up the woman I broke your heart, trust and our marriage for...

Because her in my life is more important than any thing I share with you or just you.

So STFU until I dump you one day as you are not my number one.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Love, this is a dealbreaker

What do you think after reading this thread ?

Still too frightened of rocking the boat to raise it with him ? Then your marriage will not survive anyway, because it is not on an equal footing and it will only be a matter of time before he cheats again if the consequences of doing it the first time are not hammered right home to him (or he doesn't accept them)