Why does nobody EVER want to marry me??? what is it??? will I EVER get married?

[HiyaJemma]

I'm approaching 32.

My first serious boyfriend and I got together when I was 16, we were together for 7 years, had two children, got "engaged" with a £16 ring from argos and then split up. He's now happily married.

My second serious boyfriend and I lasted 2 years, there was talk of moving in together until he realised that would involve split responsibilty of adult things and he suddenly went off the idea. He got with someone else the same year and asked her to marry him.

My 3rd serious boyfriend had been married and although we were together for 3 years, the only time he mentioned marriage was when he said "christ, I'd never do THAT again!"

Current boyfriend - love him to pieces, he says the same about me. Been together almost 2 years, lived together for 1 year of that - never any talk of engagement or marriage. I took the plunge last week and asked how he felt about marriage - his reaction was "oh ... don't know if I can do all that again, the last one nearly destroyed me". Things have been rather strained between us since

WTF is it?? I WANT marriage yet deep down, I just know it will never happen for me. Why? it seems to happen for everyone else

[prettywhiteguitar]

Wow op I bet you're glad you started this thread ! Don't hold back with the aspersions ladies ! Just because the op wants to get married she has low self esteem ?

Look at the guys you have been with is there a pattern you're repeating ? If you're dating guys who don't want to make the commitment then maybe it's time you were clearer about what you want from the start ?

It doesn't always mean you'll get it but at least you'll be on the right track

I want to get married to my Dp, cause I love him and because I want us to feel the commitment together for bringing up our family

It does mean something to some people

[eskimofriends]

If my maths is correct, you've had 4 serious relationships since you were 16, and all combined they lasted a total of 14 years. You're now 31, which means you've only been out of a relationship for about a year since you were 16.
I wonder if this might be part of the problem?
Being in a relationship for its own sake, just like being married for its own sake, is a mistake. Jumping from one relationship to the next, without much of a gap, can hinder your perspective. You are more likely to make bad choices.
My advice (as someone who married young, divorced, and spent a LOT of time searching before finding the right man) is

1. Be on your own for a while
2. Learn to be a fabulous, whole, contented person without a partner
3. Be clear from the start of any future relationship what you want from it. If he doesn't share your deal breakers, move on before falling any further.

And 4. Remove the idea that it won't happen to you from your head. It will. But you need to give yourself time to know that you are a wonderful person on your own. When you really know that, the confidence and contentment will make you irresistible.

[higgle]

Both DH and I come from backgrounds where there are many happy and long lasting marriages - lots of our relations are self employed and work with their spouses. We saw marriage as a positive thing, not just about romance and the wedding day itself but the best long term option for committed partners. Somehow, although marriages fail, I saw the actual ceremony as being a bit of extra glue that would make us stop and think and work through problems as they arose. I can see that those who have less positive experiences will see things differently, but I'm hoping our sons will marry at some point.

[givemeaclue]

Well you last two partners have had a bad experience of marriage so no wonder don't want to do it all again

[mameulah]

I totally agree with Opentoooffers.

But I also think that you can meet the right man who is happy to have his cake and eat it. Men can only have their cake and eat it if we let them.

[janelikesjam]

Maybe some women are not really the marrying kind, for whatever reason.

[Opentooffers]

Lol, always wanted to be married one day, still live in hope and older than you. The thing is I'm clear on why - just not met the right person yet, none have been good enough ;-). Your asking the wrong question I think - not "why won't they marry me?" but "why do I keep wanting to marry them?"

[garlicbaguette]

From Apocalypto's link:
According to the 12th-century Indian erotic handbook, the Ratirahasya, written by the poet Kokkoka, a happy marriage was one which didn?t involve redheads or girls named after mountains, trees, rivers or birds; girls with rough hands or feet; girls who sighed, laughed or cried at meals; girls with inverted nipples, beards, uneven breasts, flap ears, spindle legs or who were scrawny; girls whose big toes were disproportionately small; and girls who made the ground shake as they walked past.

I'm named after - er, one of those things, I have rough hands and feet (especially feet), I boast something of a beard on PMT weeks and have what's kindly referred to as a firm footfall.

No wonder it didn't work out, eh [hgrin]

[garlicbaguette]

Jemma, nearly every man I ever dated wanted to marry me. This doesn't mean I'm more fabulous than you, it means I set my sights too low. I was a pathetic pleaser with insufficient self-esteem, therefore hugely appealing to controlling fuckwits with disproportionately large egos. I married two of 'em, unwisely.

I can't for the life of me understand why some people "want to be married" but, if you're serious about it, you should probably take yourself seriously. Sign up with a matchmaker, perhaps? They cost a couple of grand or more, but they are in business to find compatible marriage partners. Failing that, work out where you are likely to meet your future H and start spending your time there.

[mameulah]

I had no interest in being a bride and having a white wedding. I only wanted to be my DH's wife.

It feels peaceful, calm and much more delicious than simply living together.

I geddit OP. If you are like me you go geddit too!

xxx

[Apocalypto]

I want to know that someone loves me enough to make that commitment.

What commitment?

Marriage isn't for life, it's for about eleven years.

It costs money to exit a marriage and not everyone can afford to do so. So some marriages must continue only because the couple can't afford to split their lives up. I can't think why else anyone would stay married to Victoria Beckham.

No such constraint applies to cohabitants (yet), so in some ways it represents the superior commitment: someone is with you who needn't be because they could leave at any time.

[iamwhaticallpregnant]

As DR Phil would say "do you want the marriage or the wedding?"
I know now that I just wanted the wedding!
and the honeymoon was FAB.
But marriage - nah! not so much.

[riamay2011]

You can try my OH if your stinky rich he will marry you! Oh and if u treat him good make him happy until he is satisfied!!! My thread is on ......

[mameulah]

I read a book called something like 'why men marry some women and not others.'

Basically, and I really believe it, is that some women insist upon it and some do not.

Tell your DP, in a very calm and pragmatic way, that being married is part of your ultimate happiness and if he can't offer you that then you want him to be honest and be able to tell you. And if he can't offer you that then you want him to leave you.

None of this, 'I'm going to leave you...' dramatic stuff. Make it his choice. You are happy and want to keep what you have. If he can't offer you the icing on the cake then stuff him and go and get someone who can. And in my experience if he can't offer you what you want then you will end up resenting him anyway.

And yes I am married. I insisted upon it. My DH has never been happier (and it is not just me who says that!)

And no it doesn't feel the same as just living together.

This time last year we lost a baby and whilst being in the hospital was rubbish I especially hated that we didn't have the same surname.

And in three weeks our baby is due. And we will all have the same name on all the bits of paper and everyone everywhere will know we are a committed team.

If you want it. Go and get it.

[akaemmafrost]

I've been married twice.

It's overrated.

HTH .

[iamwhaticallpregnant]

I used to think that marriage was the sole goal. Every relationship was heading towards the marriage line - if they didn't deliver then I got rid. Finally got with someone who I more or less manipulated into proposing - you have not been successful at doing this because the men you were with were probably much more self assured and intelligent than mine - I thought just because I was asked then I had succeeded. I raced down the aisle! And I was off within 8 months. THE REALISATION was that marriage means diddly squat - it really really isnt the be all and end all! Don't worry about your age. I would never get married again (although the dress is tempting) and the man I am with now is desperate to marry me - coincidence? I think not! Men always want what they can't have.

Also - don't become fixated on what these exes did after you - statistically if they are near your age they are going to 'end up' with someone - why not the next person after you? Absolutely nothing to do with u.

Please don't worry. Trust me - marriage was awful - I am much happier now. The day you stop wanting it will be the day it'll prob be offered - much like me with pregnancy!

[FML]

Not every relationship is like a whirlwind romance and being engaged within a year or two. Personally, for us, we had both witnessed messy divorces and most certainly didn't see any rush to get married ourselves when it could quite possibly end up messy for us too. The fact your partner has had his very own experience of a messy divorce, could make him very wary of rushing into marriage again.

8 years after getting through the highs and lows and coming out even stronger, something seemed to click. We was more in love than ever and just knew the next stage then was marriage so when he proposed, I said yes. Maybe another few years down the line, your partner will absolutely know for sure (as wanting to be with someone forever one year, could change to not wanting to be together for even a day a couple of months/years later) and he will surprise you with a proposal.

[mommybunny]

OP you hit the nail on the head with low self-esteem - you make the men in your life feel you aren't WORTH marrying, so they don't bother. I'm sure you really are (worth marrying, that is) but you have to convince a man of that. One way is not even to talk about moving in together (or having children) untill you're sure their view of marriage generally is in alignment with yours. You've found out the hard way, after a lot of time invested, that your prior BFs' views aren't in line with yours. There is no point moving in with someone if he has a "no, never!" view of marriage, and it's something you want (and for the record, I think it's a Very Good Thing to want). If you jump to move in with someone, thinking you'll later persuade him to marry you when he's already said he doesn't want it, you'd have to be very lucky indeed to actually get him the altar. Why rely on luck? If you refuse to move in with someone until you know how they feel about marriage generally (and particularly about marriage with you), that tells them that you are patient and have the confidence and self-respect to wait for something that is right, not just desperate for some temporary security.

[MrsArchieTheInventor]

Unmarked works too Couscous! Marriage certainly does leave its mark!

[NellyBluth]

Other posters are right in suggesting discussing the issue of marriage before moving in with someone, as part of a general discussion about where you want to go in life. If being married is a dealbreaker for you then it would be good to have talked about this before committing yourself.

You do sound as thought you need to understand yourself quite why marriage is so important. Is it that you a) want to be proposed to, b) want a wedding ceremony, or c) believe being married is the only way to commit to spending your life together. They are three very different things. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to spend your life with someone as husband and wife, as opposed to unmarried partners, but that is a very different thing from the proposal or wedding. If it is the proposal or wedding that you want more than the marriage, then that can surely be worked around.

FWIW, while I hated the idea of a 'wedding', I would have married DP if he had wanted to. But he didn't want to get married, and we talked it through, and once I understood that his reasons were not through fear of commitment then I was fine with it and agreed to not get married. I know that he loves me and wants to be with me. He also wanted children, which was my dealbreaker. I did make him buy me an eternity ring that I wear on my ring finger as a symbol of commitment and also 'cos I didn't want to miss out of nice sparkly things.

[zippey]

Im not sure if it is the men, have you thought the problem might be you? You seem quite clingy and almost desperate. Some people have said ask the question sooner. Its good to be direct but Im afraid it would send most men running, even those who may have the intensions of marrying at a future date.

If you really want to get married, there are some dating websites where both parties express this interest.

I agree that you may have self esteem issues, and the kind of man you want to marry isnt usually attracted to clingy, desperate women.

Overall though you sound like a nice woman who has this bee in her bonnet about marriage. Lose the bee and you might find you are happier in relationships without that weight of expectation on your shoulder.

[OneMoreGo]

If marriage was really so important to you, surely you'd be upfront about it from the start and wouldn't advance the relationship to the next level without that commitment?
I think you just want to be proposed to. Marriage is staying with the same person for the rest of your life - that's huge! It's not just about loving someone a lot. Personally I think you need to love and respect yourself as much as you are demanding the other person does in marrying you. Getting married won't make you happy without that self-respect in the mix as well.

I used to be pro-marriage. The older I get, the less sure I am I could ever find someone worthy of such a huge, all-encompassing commitment as that. I'm hopeful it is possible, but by no means certain that I will find someone I feel that way about. The only person I would have married was a complete lying cock who hadn't disentangled himself from his last relationship. Still, nice to know I'm capable of feeling such love :) If I ever feel that again for someone, and they feel it back, then I'll start considering marriage.