is this normal grandmother behaviour?

[monkeysonmyback]

My mother really dotes on my two year old daughter, and always wants to see more of her/overnight. It's lovely really, and I do appreciate how lucky we are for my daughter to have a grandma who wants to be so involved. However, sometimes I find it overbearing/controlling.

So basically, want to ask, would the below bother you or should I just catch myself on?

• grandma insists on seeing granddaughter at least every 2 weeks, despite us living an hour and a half away from each other and all working. We do this and I do want my daughter to be close to her grandparents, but she still constantly says things like she worries that she will be a stranger to my daughter and talks about relocating to where we live (she hasn't asked if we plan on staying in the area long term, and if she does would feel obliged to, she doesn't seem to think of it from anyone else's point of view)
  

• When we are meeting up with grandma, she texts/emails me to remind me to put her in a pretty dress as she doesn't like it when I dress her in "boyish" clothes like jeans. Again, I adhere to this and often have to wash things especially the night before because I don't really have many feminine clothes for her.
  

• pretty much every time we meet up my mum manages to mention that she worries that my daughter is cold in bed every night and she buys us loads of sleeping bags etc, which feel like a not so subtle hint. Our house is a warm house and I would never let my daughter go cold.
  

• When I was pregnant, she said she didn't want to be called grandma, and would like to also be called 'mum' or some variation of this, like 'momma'.
  

• When my daughter starting holding her bottle herself, my mother refused to let her, holding her like a much younger baby. I would tell her that she likes to do it herself, but she would say "not with grandma she doesn't" and that she wants her to stay a little baby forever.
  

Obviously, I have picked things that irritate me and I have to say, she is very loving of my daughter. So, is this okay behaviour or not? I really can't work it out.

[Lottapianos]

'I guess she was possibly overbearing when I was a kid, it's difficult to know as that's the only childhood I had if that makes sense'

It does make perfect sense. It's very difficult to judge your own childhood, especially if you had an overbearing parent who spent a lot of time controlling you, which it sounds like your mother did.

'it will be mentioned though and this sounds silly but I will find it really hard to go against what my mother wants - she will keep bringing it up'

It's really hard OP but what you need to do is have faith in yourself and your own feelings. If something feels off for you, that's because it is. It's perfectly reasonable for you to make decisions about your own child. Your mother should be supporting you in your new role as a parent, not undermining you and not insisting that things are done her way.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

How much do you give in to her and do things to suit her?

You already state that you comply with the girly dresses thing.

Have you also complied with the "momma" thing?

And regarding the visits every 2 weeks: are you the one to drive the 1 and a half hours over to her? If yes, why? And what would happen if you stopped doing it, stating honestly instead that "It's not convenient for me to dirve over to yours this week", repeating as often as is necessary to space the visits out in a way that you are comfortable with?

Her comments about wanting your DD to remain a baby forever, the fact that she does baby her, and the way she "munchausened" you as a child are all elements in your story that are creepy as fuck, frankly.

I would really look into ways that you can steel yourself to stand up to her and set some limits.

[kittybiscuits]

Hi monkey :) Your Mum has done a great job of making her wishes known, and so far you have taken them as gospel. I think I would be inclined to decide on a name - grandma, nanna, nan, whatever and start to use it with your mother and daughter, as a symbolic gesture. I guess she will be shocked and maybe upset if you start to make your own choices about what is okay for you and your DD, but this is what you will have to do. You have a very important reason for doing this; you do not want to teach your daughter to pussyfoot around someone controlling in this way. Start to make changes and come here for support with the fallout. If everyone kowtows to your mother, she will find it hard, so there will need to be a period of adjustment. Good luck :) x

[funnypeculiar]

Your little steps sound like a good start. I think you do need to start standing up to her now - she is your daughter, & you need to do things your way.

Do you see much of your dh/dp's parents, by the way?

[monkeysonmyback]

We see my husbands parents less, as they live a bit further and aren't as intense.

Thanks for the replies everyone, it's interesting to see peoples views. Even writing this thread is making me feel guilty - stupid, I know!! I will ask for it to be deleted tomorrow or something as the idea of her coming across it somehow is making me feel weird.

She doesn't get called mumma etc - I stood up to that one.

[monkeysonmyback]

Do you know what's weird as well, my husband said not so long ago to her that he was really proud of me over the last two years and that I am a brilliant mum, and she looked really pissed off at him. He compliments me quite a bit infront of her on purpose as feels that she has a downer on me all the time and it really gets to him

[monkeysonmyback]

Hot - sorry, didn't answer your question - we split the driving

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

monkeys,

re your comment:-
"Even writing this thread is making me feel guilty - stupid, I know!! I will ask for it to be deleted tomorrow or something as the idea of her coming across it somehow is making me feel weird".

Many children who were raised by parents whose own parenting efforts left a lot to be desired have FOG - fear, obligation and guilt in spades as adults.

It is of course your decision to ask for this thread to be deleted. However,
do you honestly think she would recognise her own self in such a thread?. Does she actually know about MN or even knows that you post on there?.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"He compliments me quite a bit infront of her on purpose as feels that she has a downer on me all the time and it really gets to him"

I think your H has the measure of your mother very well actually.

[Viviennemary]

I'd only object to the last two things. Call her Mum. Absolutely not. And wanting her to stay a baby and be bottle fed. Another absolute no no. Can't see the harm in her wanting your DD to wear a nice dress.

[Lottapianos]

'Many children who were raised by parents whose own parenting efforts left a lot to be desired have FOG - fear, obligation and guilt in spades as adults'

Absolutely. Do you recognise any of this in yourself OP? Your mother sounds very similar to mine - she doesn't have any grandchildren yet but I could imagine her behaving like this, taking the baby over and treating the baby like it's her child, and undermining the baby's mum in the process. She's a narcissist.

You also sound scared of your mum. It sounds like you have been brought up to put her feelings first, and neglect yourself and what you need. Stick with MN - there are loads of us who have had similar experiences. You will find loads of support on the Relationships thread. Good for you for making steps to stand up to her - hopefully your daughter is giving you the incentive you need to start reclaiming some control over your own life. I know it's not easy

[susitwoshoes]

I haven't read the whole thread, but I would let most of it slide, except the momma thing - she is not your DD's mum, you are and she needs to understand and accept that. Regarding clothes, I would stick her in a frock and be done with it, it's a very small thing to arrange for once a fortnight. I tend to dress my DD is more girly stuff when she's seeing her grandmas, not because they would ever say anything but because I suspect they like it (MIL is surrounded by boys so she's very doting on DD) - dresses don't have to be stiff and formal, a jersey frock with leggings is quite funky and won't inhibit her movement, but it's a small sop to your mum.

[monkeysonmyback]

I relation to the FOG thing. I certainly feel a lot of guilt and obligation in my life. I am very much a people pleaser. However, I don't feel I have fear in my life - I have never been scared of my mum or anyone else really for that matter. Unless you mean in a fear of not being liked type of way? For instance, there is no way ever that I could directly say to my mum "I'm not putting her in a dress because I am her mum and I feel like you are overstepping the mark" - I guess that is because a kind of a fear? A fear of her being disappointed or something?

[therewearethen]

All sound very familiar! My DM constantly tells me what I should be doing with DD, this includes her favourite "why hasn't she got a vest on?!" ummm because it's june mam and not cold! "well we haven't had a very good summer so she should still be wearing one" and petticoats under her school dresses even though she has tights on with them, a polo shirt and cardigan PLUS a coat!

She came to see our house before we moved in, and it had been empty, with no heating on as the landlords turn the gas off for safety reasons, and the first thing she said was "this is going to be a cold house!" and then finally came for a visit after much sulking as we had moved a whole 20-25mins from her, with one of those things you put in the microwave (a new type of hot water bottle i guess) for DD! Even though DD's bedroom is the warmest in the house, so much so I have to turn her radiator down at night and she still takes her pj's off every night in bed!

I have no advice sadly as I find it quite hard to stand up to my DM, and when I have told her not to do something, she has gone ahead and done it anyway! Feel free to pm me if you want to rant tho!

[Lottapianos]

'For instance, there is no way ever that I could directly say to my mum "I'm not putting her in a dress because I am her mum and I feel like you are overstepping the mark" - I guess that is because a kind of a fear? A fear of her being disappointed or something?'

Yes monkeys, that's what I was thinking - not that you're physically scared of her but that you're worried about challenging her directly and what that might mean. It's not a criticism of you in any way - I have felt the same about my parents in the past and still do to an extent.

[swallowedAfly]

i think the fact you acknowledge you will find it really difficult to go against what she wants (re: dressing her in clothes you choose) is likey to mean that YES your mother was overbearing

enjoy your daughter and do things your way.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Re your comments in quote marks:-
"I relation to the FOG thing. I certainly feel a lot of guilt and obligation in my life. I am very much a people pleaser".

You were trained to become a people pleaser and perhaps even put your mother's needs and wants well ahead of yours from a young age.

"However, I don't feel I have fear in my life - I have never been scared of my mum or anyone else really for that matter. Unless you mean in a fear of not being liked type of way? For instance, there is no way ever that I could directly say to my mum "I'm not putting her in a dress because I am her mum and I feel like you are overstepping the mark" - I guess that is because a kind of a fear? A fear of her being disappointed or something?"

Why do you think you cannot readily challenge your mother?. That is something for you to further think about. (Do you think she would scream and rant, cry, flounce off or do some other attention seeking behaviour to bring you back into line?).

You are perhaps subconsciously looking and wanting her approval all the time even now you are an adult, approval she never gives as she also keeps moving the goalposts around. Bet you as well she never apologises nor takes any real responsibility for her own actions.

[monkeysonmyback]

therewearethen - that is exactly like my mother! If we moved, that would be the exact kind of first sentence to come out of her mouth too. Or something like, oh it's such a shame you couldn't afford somewhere with more space. Poor DD.

So, for people who started to put boundaries in place? What was the reaction from your mum's? Did they up the ante or back off? Did you suddenly become more aware of it and less willing to go along with it after having a child as that seems to be the trigger for me?

[Lottapianos]

monkeys, IME it's a bit like deciding to take a dummy off a child. If youre going to do it, you have to do it and mean it - doing it and then caving in will undermine you and make her think that youre not really serious. It will probably throw her at first, and she may up the ante. Being prepared for this will make it easier to deal with if it happens. Make sure DH is on board so he can back you up (sounds like he's fully on your side).

Use the opportunity of having DD to start to do things differently. Think about what you are prepared to let go and what you really must stand firm on. Keep things fairly light and unemotional and just keep repeating the same line, like 'DD is more comfy in trousers' or whatever and then change the subject. Don't get drawn into a discussion or you will just end up justifying yourself and ultimately doubting yourself.

I don't have children ( I work with them) but my catalyst for starting to think about this stuff was seeing a therapist after getting out of an abusive relationship. I recognised that 'people pleaser' behaviour you referred to and realised I had been well-trained in childhood to always put other people before me and to consider my parents' feelings in particular to the exclusion of my own. It's hard work turning it around but it's so worth it.