Please help me to finally make break from stbxh..need yr support.

[DippyDoohdah]

Hi. I have posted before. Was originally 'Blinkeyblonk' and had a lot of support when first posted about husband, turbulent relationship, supporting him through asylum and some very concerning behaviours and punitive/aggressive tendencies of his. Left me (short episodes) during 2nd pregnancy and after 2nd child just born. Is of middle Eastern origin and whilst has been here for over 10 years, has not moved forwards. Is not responsible (ex drug user, still recent cannabis and cocodamol use) and will not work officially as resents paying tax. Our differences and my resentment at how things have panned out mean we are now divorcing. Have had support re the emotional abuse with him and my (probably irrational) fears that he could ever try to remove our children from this country. All that said, divorce nearing decree nisi (I have spent 2k and he lies about his cash in hand full time work and claims legal aid for his solicitor!!) and I had, yet again, entered the land of ambivalence and tried to see if we could have some kind of relationship (lived seperately for over 18 months),..but its been a false calm, me just trying to keep the status quo. And never being able to imagine sharing a bed with him again, let alone financial respobsibility to support our children/my mortgage.. Today I did not 'cause an argument' but dipped my toe outside the stepford existance of the last two months by saying that he really needed to give me some money this week as I am struggling hugely ...of course it was all his poverty and relentless borrowing and ended up with him asking me for a loan! When he got angry (i asked him why he got into this situation every week) and I asked him not to (again) shout at me in front of youngest ds, he lost it. Cue rant about get divorce finalised, and even him making a pledge to not work at all rather than give me money. I do feel that this has given me the last sign that he and it will never change, he is a poor role model for our sons and that I needed this reminder. but for some odd reason i still need mumsnet vallidation that i am doing the right thing by refusing to get reinvolved. I work almost full time with a diffucult client group, am near risk of repossesion and on antidepressants. I would greatly appreciate the support of any of you/opinions, whether you recognise me from before or reading for first time. I really intend this to be it. finito. But need a bit of girlpower...

[foolonthehill]

you don't see them enough to get this cross with them".....quite,

supportive parenting does not mean jumping in at the deep end when the other parent is already 6 feet down, it's defusing the situation and reducing the anti, not upping it (sorry so very many mixed metaphors...too late for brain).

Make a list of the issues,

issues with you, with Dss and money and everything. Take a good long look at it.

[DippyDoohdah]

Thanks slam.am so confused about his culture/psychology.I can handle the money bit,I never rely on that and always make sure can cope on my income alone. The worst thing is, sometimes I hear him coming out in me when the boys keep on and on....I don't want to be that person.
But can he win, I wonder? When he comes round now, he is on the boys straight away.part of me thinks its his show of support to me as a parent..but the rest of me thinks "why can't you take it easy, you don't see them enough to get this cross with them".....

[foolonthehill]

I think you need to go and look at these issues with a counsellor who understands domestic abuse. Can you get in touch with Women's Aid locally and get a support worker, or discuss over the phone.

You need some,clarity. you have lost sight of the REASON you decided to divorce him and are letting him back inch by inch. that may, in the end be what you decide to do...but please make it a DECISION not a slide into despair.

For what it is worth I would keep going with the divorce.
You are not really making sense on here. you are giving lots of reasons why he should not be in your/the DSs' life and letting him in more and more. you need RL support and to find the inner strength to get on with life without him (and yes, as you know, I do understand and I do know it is hard)

[DippyDoohdah]

, fool.thank you.I cannot just stop contact though..I have no grounds to do .I am giving everyone confused messages.date for decree nisi set in November but am wondering whether to just put all divorce on hold or whether to know some issue will arise between us and actually we will be divorced thereafter anyhow.....
And even if we could both move forwards together, there are some things I cannot tell him and some honesty that can never be there, and it haunts me.am even dreaming about it!

[slambang]

Dippy - my dh is middle eastern too. Sometimes he is a great dad and husband. Other times, well, not so much. But he never ever thinks its OK to make his sons afraid of him. And he never ever withholds money. (It's our money -not mine or his).

Do not use or allow him to use his culture as an excuse for abuse. His behaviour is inexcusable and very evry damaging to your children. This is not a cultural difference. (angry with him not you).

[foolonthehill]

Don't do something because you feel distant, detached and obliged, it will make you feel worse.

I feel empty and too far away from my real self to get back Could you be depressed?...common symptom

You have been through a lot and have done well but are slipping back in some ways (understandably), you really are worth something much much more than this. he has decimated your self belief, value and esteem. Is there ANYONE who could help you claw it back?

I agree that your sons are not being helped by having their dad around. You can stop them from seeing him at least for the present.

[DippyDoohdah]

I don't feel worthy of those things...I feel empty and too far away from my real self to get back.still scared its me that is deficient and I just don't see it..I do still feel love for him but cannot imagine wanting to give myself to him, sexually, ever again...o can imagine doing it, but not feeling good about it

[foolonthehill]

why would you feel it.
he is pushing your buttons because in his eyes you are something he possesses and has rights over.

You are not possessed by him, you are an individual worthy of respect and love, this man is preventing you from getting either of these things

[DippyDoohdah]

I fell like all I have to choose from is the devil and the deep blue sea.and he's not the devil, just damaged.but so am i.. don't know if can do this alone.he is being nice but feel more and more pressured, is wanting sex and I just don't feel it

[Markingthehours]

I think your son's answer tells you all you need to know. In his lovely, clear almost 5 yr old way he has given a very stark account of his experience of being parented by his father - of being controlled by fear. It won't teach him anything as he grows up - just that if you are bigger and more frightening you can get your own way. He is being taught to bully in a nutshell.

In your shoes I wouldn't hesitate to lessen contact as much as possible and I would certainly restrict all contact for yourself.

I would really emphasise how it is wrong to bully and, as said above, always absolutely insist on respect and consideration from your boys for yourself. I'd also get them into doing domestic stuff as part of everyday.

I would take some time to write a long list of all the things you could do with your boys at the weekends. Why not make the most of stbx's absence and invite their friends round or get them joined up to some activities that mean you get a bit of a break?

[mrkidd85]

Women need to think carefully before going with a middle eastern man. I'm not saying they're all like this but their culture is all about the man. Women are seen as inferior - it's ingrained into them.

[joblot]

And it's positive they can tell you their feelings and fears. If they are to continue seeing him this trust in you will help them feel safe and hopefully be safe too. They clearly understand already that their dad is an angry man, but they love him as he's their dad. Having good people who can be trusted and confided in, helps kids be resilient

[joblot]

Your h can believe what he likes, especially re fear of fathers. My experience tells me this is absolute bollocks. I work in social care, scared kids don't often grow up to be happy well adjusted adults.

Think about what you need. He isn't treating you well, no excuses. That's not good for you or your dc. Put you first. Easier said than done I know. Maybe get some counseling?

[DippyDoohdah]

Job lot..sometimes I feel like that too but there are cultural differences which account for some of it perhaps (he is middle eastern)..what do you think of above IE what ds this morning? ..so confused, he has just come round and picked them both up for school/nurser "to help out" and they were so happy to see him

[joblot]

Why on earth are you considering being with someone who's in my opinion a fascist? He doesn't think men and women are equal? Really that's so bad in so many ways and I'd suggest means your relationship can never work. Really seriously bad for your dc too.

Do yourself and them a favour and get well rid

[DippyDoohdah]

I know I should not have done this but I just did so here goes..tell me if I am over reacting in thinking this says a lot: I just said to (nearly 5 year old ds) "when you and bro came into mums room this morning and jumped on the bed, what would it have been like if daddy was here?". Ds replied "he would have shouted at us and I would have cried...when you tell me off for things I can speak back and say sorry but when daddy gets angry I don't know what to say". I asked if he was scared of daddy and he said "sometimes when he is angry yes". I know Dh would think this was appropriate as boys need to fear their fathers and otherwise can be out of control later.he thinks I do not discipline them but I really do..time out, sanctions etc, I just don't believe in losing control in response to their behaviour

[DippyDoohdah]

Marking, thank you for your reply.you speak sense to me. One of the issues is them missing their Dad, him coming round and when we talk, he can say basically unreasonable things in a reasonable way.he has such a strong sense of self I think. And on an ongoing basis I struggle to fill time at weekends so I let him come round/go out together and it helps, but then I keep slotting back into couple behaviour.
After Wednesday when we talked, he did an about turn that evening, my weight does not bother him except for my health, he wants us to be together as a family. You are right,I do fell guilty about splitting the family up.but when my boys burst into bedroom in morning happy,I imagine that if he was here,I would be mediating between them in tears and him angry (was not a morning person!). He has some intrinsic really good qualities but I always come back to this issue with his anger and our totally different views on parenting and discipline.sorry for the waffle

[Markingthehours]

Dippy, it's natural to find it hard to imagine life without the person you thought/planned to stay with. But believe me, it will change and you will feel perfectly ok about singledom in a very short time.

At the mo tho you are not giving yourself the chance to disengage emotionally from your stbx and every contact brings you nearly back to square 1 emotionally.

What you need to do imho is restrict all contact to the minimum. Don't speak to him - communicate via text/email as much as poss. Let your emotions get hauled back in under your own control and not left out to get trodden all over by an inadequate twat or misguided ideas of benefiting your sons.

I would advise you to really think about 2 things that I am confident will apply here:

1. He will NEVER change
   
2. He will have a very detrimental effect on your sons' attitudes to women. You therefore have to compensate by insisting that you are treated with respect and consideration by them all thro their childhoods.

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

Red the best you can do is report him to the fraud peeps and hope they do their job .. I know how you feel trust me, but you know, we have managed for 15 years without his money i'll be able to hold my head up high one day and know i did the best i could for my babies. He won't be able to ..

[DippyDoohdah]

Red tulip..sorry you are in that situation.with my stbxh its more volatile,I feel like he gives me money if I am acting like he wants me to act, little or nothing if w are not getting on.I probably need to accept this as a more amicable ending..but I don't get it.when I think of my life without him I feel awful, but cannot see how it would ever work without me surrendering myself almost completely

[redtulip68]

I know exactly how you feel about the 'cash in hand' business. My STBXH recently gave up this professional career of 14 years to avoid paying any contribution to his children.

He is not signing on, he is working cash in hand at any job he can but as its not legal he claims he has no income to live on each week and that his new partner, the OW he left me - his wife of 12 years and his two children for, works as a cleaner and is near pensionable age. And to add insult to injury there is not a thing I am entitled to, becuase I work part time above the 16 hours limit. Cant reduce my hours because it would be financially viable! But he contributes nothing and my children are now having to go without a winter coat because as he said 'Its not my responsibility. Ask the CSA.' what an idiot!!!

[DippyDoohdah]

It was ok, fool, but I did not leave UT there and got back into "talking"..we had a calm talk today where we both had time to say, uninterrupted, what we felt. I talked about concerns and a few past issues, he just came up with a massive list of complaints and differences. In particular he does not see what I see that he is fat too heavy handed as a parent and also he does not believe that men and women will ever be equal. WE both feel completely let down by each other in the last two years and do not trust each other or feel close.and he is annoyed I have put on so much weight. Blames a lot of his anger on me. Even road rage was because I had done something a day our so before that did not fit with his expectations and was still angry..although I had thought all was fine. I really have to leave him alone and finish the divorce don't I? But I an still terrified of going under and that one day I will wake up and some how he was right and I was mental..even though everyone else says I am fine, deserve more etc.my poor boys..I think their Dad will disappear. I feel sad and still paralysed, but at least it was a calm conversation and not a trauma...

[foolonthehill]

Not really. The boys will tell you where they went, what they ate (well the rubbish anyway) Poos will come when they do, and you can feed exemplary meals for the rest of the week. Don't torture yourself. If you trust him to have them then you need to trust him (easy to say I know) keep the talk to a minimum between you. it does you no good.

Now make some plans for that time....papers in bed, books, work, housework. make sure you get some fresh air and exercise...it will help you more than worrying.

Oh Lord i sound like your mother....


so have (((((((hugs)))))) tooo

[DippyDoohdah]

So he is having the boys for 6 hours on Sunday.what do I do with myself.do I ask where he is taking them and then what they have eaten, poos etc? The more conversation the more atmosphere, but I need to know those bits.yes?

[DippyDoohdah]

Yes..when I eventually answered the phone to his calls tonight, he spoke as if nothing had happened yesterday.
I calmly pointed out that I am not prepared to keep living like this and he queried what my issue is?! I feel he again tried his best to make me feel that his threats to not work so to not have to give me maintenance, demands to finalise the divorce, shouting at me in front of son..etc...that these are somehow normal and sweep under the carpet material. When he got that I was serious, he warned me (not for the first time) not to "play with his mood" (don't say or do things to piss him off)...that's not my concern, what's the point in trying to get him to see himself, he won't, will he??