just seem to keep falling out with people

[twinkerbell]

probably in the wrong section but...I think I need some therapy or something I have a few lovely friends although spread around the uk but in work scenarios and (new) environments I really struggle to make friends and fit in. I need some advice on confidence, been told I try to be everybodys friend and espeically at work, thst not possible. Im dreading going in later today after a weekend off. I come accross as very confident alot of the time but inside I am an anxious wreck...any advice

[Rk2076]

Lol thanks

[Rk2076]

Bump

Hi all I'm outlining my issues with other people. Mostly gossiping arrogant two faced fake "friends". I was a people pleaser, sucking up to the people by buying them gifts on occasions, visiting their houses, doing favours. In turn never bought anything, said anything good, or encouraged me or even visited me. All they did was laugh at my divorce, gossip and laugh at my position as a welfare assistant did it for a month, they thought i did that for years. In fact I was a qualified Teaching Assistant
It hurt me to think that my so called "friends" gossip and talk about me behind my back.

I got divorced over 10 years ago I divorced him and left my ex with two children. He is on his 4th wife, 3 divorces. Hack the lad. So it wasn't me lol.

Back then when I came out if the divorce, stay home mum; I was indulging in gossipy bad habits myself, got the bad habits from my mum whilst living with parents and ex's family. If people talked about me I'd say something bad about them to their friends not face to face as i do now. Gossip about the latest thing happening especially at the children's primary school or people we knew- not good I know.

Anyway fast forward to now I'm nothing like the person I was. I'm outspoken, don't smile back at every fake smile or hi. Ignore and walk on lol. A cold hearted cow lol.
I don't indulge in gossip in one ear out the other. Busy with work home, boxsets, poetry writing, being creative and looking for a fella lol.
If something insulted or pryed, I'd set them straight by saying "you want to start talk about your problems, i didn't think so" and give an example of a situation of someone of misfortunate events without mentioning who what and where. Don't pinpoint people any more if "He said, she said"
i don't like talking about myself as people never talk about their issues but love being nosey.
Anyway i rise above these lowlifes. The only time I've listened to something is when my friend and I are going through the same emotions kid's being bullied by the same people. We disliked the the same person as they had been gossiping about my friend i about our private issues. My friend made me laugh when she said something bad about them but had to reassert her in keeping herself to get self which she has done. She was like me but moved away i don't see her as often.

Now recently my daughter has friends, their mum's are friends with these lowlifes. Apparently one of the mum's told my daughter's friend that we've fallen out and most likely gossiped lol i could give a hoot now! Gossip and insults behind my back don't bother people unless my kids are bullied that's another issue.

I am more selfish than ever before for the last 2 years. Spend more treats on myself without feeling guilty. I deserve it after all that I've been through. I live myself and who I am in the list unarrogant way lol.
I don't chase constant ring my extended family alot stronger and keeping myself busy.

Anyway your thoughts and input please... I'm intrigued to find out if I've actually changed for the better or it is my delusional thinking?
😂

[OliveandJim]

Also, one of the first lessons I was told when I started a supervisory role is to talk directly to the person who causes you issues. Have you spoke to the person who has been repeatedly sick? Have you explained to her the impact this has on your work schedule? You do not talk to someone else about that but only to the person intended and if that conversation remains unresolved then you can escalate to Management or HR but not to people under you.

Could you ask for Management training? I work in the city and the Manager in charge of roughly 90 people on my floor, mostly men as I'm on the dealing floor, is a woman and she is spectacular at gettig the best out of her subordinates, whilst giving a semblance of being chummy with half the office whilst never losing her authority. She's applying simple techniques. You don't seem to know them. Ask your boss to be put on a course. it will hlep you in the future in whatever role you take on.

[twinkerbell]

youre exactly right about the HCA's, often older and been there for many years and I try and muck in when I get tiem, if I have finished what I have to do for a while then I will feed patients, change them, make beds etc and I always thank them at the end of a good shift. Its just, as everywhere, there will be some who just don't like you and some that just get a thrill out of bitching. I had a good chat with my boss yesterday and said that I feel like the bitchy atmoshpere is rubbing off on my and I am pulling right back from things. I didnt have my break in the dreaded staff room yesterday and as predeicted, one staff member came up to me starting to blatantly bitch about another and I just said "look, I don't want to get involved, Im here to do my job and thats it" she looked shocked and started backtracking but I just don't want to be part of it.

[MoaningMingeWhingesAgain]

The best thing you can do is be polite, dish out the tasks with a smile, and don't ask anyone to do anything you wouldn't do yourself. If the junior staff see you being a good nurse, they will respect you.

I hated asking HCAS etc to do things for ages, many were older than me and had been there for years. In hindsight it was a bit like asking a DP to do chores sometimes, can you do X while I do Y with a smile works, giving out the donkey work while you fanny about in the clean utility wins you no friends. You've worked hard to get there, learning how to work as a staff nurse is a whole new training in itself. Good luck

[MoaningMingeWhingesAgain]

I am too. Not working at the moment though. I felt similar at times when I qualified.

It will get easier as you find your feet. At the moment you may feel like you are pretending to know what you are doing, and that's normal. It will become true with time.

Do not think of the auxiliaries/HCAs as us and them, you are all part of the same team but you just have additional skills and responsibilities.

The phrase ' you have two ears and one mouth for a reason' is very true, keep a low profile, do good work and keep your head down until you have a better understanding of the way things work.

[twinkerbell]

thanks for your messages.....I hate the thought of being a bitch but perhaps when you are surrounded by it, its kind of like a survival thing and it rubs off. There was no excuse for me saying what I said about my colleague and I feel awful about it straight away but we both recognised that were both under a lot of pressure and staff shortages and being taken advantage of as newer members of staff......
dysfunctionalme... I do love my job and I do get along with many people I work with so I can't be all bad I just have a lot to learn obviously.

Moaningmingewhinges....Yes I am a nurse...not a manager but over quite alot of staff at the same time..its not a situation Im familiar or fond of

[CailinDana]

If you have any form of authority at all bitching about colleagues is absolutely not on. You are new and therefore automatically an "outsider" - it will take some time for you to find your niche and until then you have to be 100% professional. That means dealing with all problems through the proper channels and NO BITCHING. I have been in work situations where a new person has come in and started whining and it comes across as childish and rude. No one likes an outsider coming in and criticising when they don't have all the facts.

[dysfunctionalme]

Interesting that you love your job but you identify getting along with people as the problem. Because to me a person cannot be very good at their job if they are difficult with colleagues.

Great you accept you need to work on your interpersonal skills.

On the whole, try to keep your mouth shut except to say nice, non-committal things in chit chat, and to sound keen about work.

Never moan about colleagues or workloads or anything really. Not till you are on much firmer ground.

[dreamingbohemian]

Ah, that sounds good then! I think it's a great idea to go in today with the idea of making a fresh start. You haven't done anything really awful or terrible, people will forget about it eventually, just give it some time.

Some of those books might be helpful because there is a big difference between being assertive and toughening up. Being genuine and honest is a good thing! Even being soft is not always bad, really good managers are helpful and kind and treat people well.

It's true you do need to make sure people respect your authority and don't take advantage of you. What you need to figure out is A) when it's appropriate to do something about people behaving this way -- you don't want to be really hardcore over tiny things, and B) what is the most appropriate way to react, and when you need to call in higher-ups to back you up.

For example, in your first example, if you thought people would not show up to training, the best thing to do is to talk to them individually and make it clear that they do have to show up or else they will lose their job. Not in a mean, tough way, just in a very direct and plainspoken way.

Learning how to use your authority at work is just another skill, with time it will become habit and you won't really have to think about it too much.

[MoaningMingeWhingesAgain]

Are you something like a nurse or a teacher, twinkerbell? Where by you are delegating tasks to others but not actually their manager?

[twinkerbell]

This is my first qualifed post and so I am just not used to being in this situation and my 'real' friends several whom I have had for many years all say I am very genuine and honest and too soft and trusting. (which is pretty much what my boss said) I have tried to toughen up but it gets read wrongly and its all down to experience isnt it .....?

[twinkerbell]

Ive been given really positive feedback about my actual job, I had a brilliant appraisal. I actually love my job, its getting along with people I am really struggling with and I have talked it over with some close friends over the weekend and want to go in today and completely change my attitude. I really need to forget about the making friends thing and concentrate on just doing my job. I am getting some good advice here yes...if a little harsh lol.

[dreamingbohemian]

Ah, I misunderstood about the brusque thing. I'd be pretty worried about losing my job if people were telling me things like that, do you think that could happen?

Try not to worry too much, you can repair this damage. There's a lot of good advice here I think.

[twinkerbell]

emsyj not at all, I have learned by the mistake and if nI was not bothered or didnt accept that I needed some help and support to do things better I wouldnt be asking for it on here and I wouldnt be so anxious about going back to work today

[twinkerbell]

I hate managing people and do not want to..I am inexperienced at this level and have a lot to learn and yes it all shows and has knocked me for six which is why I am asking for advice

[emsyj]

I get the feeling you will never accept that you acted inappropriately and unprofessionally. So you will continue to have difficulty fitting in at work.

[twinkerbell]

to clarify... the people I was talking to (and about ) are all on same level as me, I am not a manager and have no wish to be but because of my postiion and qualifcations it means there are several unqualifieds underneath me. I was asked to do training by the manager to tackle some repeated complaints we were getting about the same group of people.

the person who was off sick is also the same level as me and we actually get on okay I was just pissed that morning when I was suposed to be finishing at 2pm and ended up there until 9pm...It is a problem that needs to be discussed with management and will be.

[madonnawhore]

Can't believe you've got to the level of manager without realising that the ONLY person you can moan to about the people you're managing is YOUR OWN manager.

Not people on the same level as you. And not the people who work into you.

You've behaved unprofessionally and now people's trust in you as a manager is gone. When you started moaning about the people you manage to your (and their) colleagues, it was you who damaged that manager/managee trust. Not the people who broke your confidence.

[TheSilverPussycat]

Who is your manager? This is the person who should be supporting you at work, and from whom you can seek advice.

[emsyj]

Perhaps if you were more assertive in dealing directly with staff members that you have issues with, you wouldn't approach things by moaning to others (and perhaps hoping they pass the message on/exert pressure on the offending person to change their behaviour...?) So maybe you do need to work on assertiveness. But you also need to think very very carefully about work boundaries and what you say to whom.

[twinkerbell]

dreamingbohemian sorry I was TOLD I had become brusque and paranoid I havent made consious decsion to be that lol....I am getting some good avice here....
incidently I do get on very well with both of the REAL managers lol and they said I just need to "grow some balls"

[Portofino]

I would say - don't even try to make "friends" at work, especially if you work in a supervisory capacity. Go to work, be polite and civil, make idle chit chat, and get on with your job. Keep your personal life outside of work. Over time you will build a rapport with a few people. Rise above the cliques. Take a book or something for breaktimes.