Mobile phone oddities - would it make you think 'hmmmm'...?

[blinkybell]

DH recently seems to be attached to his mobile phone.

We have a bowl for stuff on the sideboard in the hallway, usually he would dump keys, phone, wallet, loose change, etc in there, but lately I've noticed the phone stays in his pocket.

He works nightshifts occasionally, and he usually goes to bed when the kids do for a couple of hours before getting up for work, then sleeps for 5 or 6 hours the following day while they're at school. The phone has always been left in the bowl in the hall, but the last few times the phone has been taken upstairs to bed with him.

He worked last night, and took the phone up to bed with him to "charge". I asked him why he was charging it upstairs (we usually charge them in the kitchen) he said it was because he "didn't want the cat to pee on it", now we do have an elderly cat who has occasionally missed the litter tray but she's never shown a preference for peeing on mobile phones before

This morning he came in, went up to bed, noticed the keys/wallet/etc minus the phone in the bowl and assumed it was strapped in his pocket again

Grabbed a load of washing, including his work stuff, checked pockets as he's notoriously bad at emptying them half expecting to find the phone. It wasn't in there, nor was it laying around our room anywhere so he must have tucked it away - but why?

I'm trying to rack my brains as to whether he could be up to anything, and I just don't think he's got the opportunity

We have had history of texting before, so I don't know if that's clouding my judgement, or I'm just seeing the signs earlier than I did last time iyswim

[skyebluesapphire]

Sorry to say it, but my H was texting OW from 8am to 11pm every day. I didn't see it at the time but with hindsight he was taking his phone everywhere, bed, toilet etc. stopped leaving it in the middle of the car where I could see it, wouldn't let me have it to programme in some numbers, got a secret email address in his iPhone, charged it by the bed when we were on holiday.... Put it on silent and face down.

He was texting her over 100 times a day as his bills showed...

[Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain]

Personally, I would be blunt, and ask if you can look at his phone.

[Looksgoodingravy]

Maybe you feel you'll open a whole can of worms if you confront him with this and that's the problem, if he is hiding something and he still might not be, it may lead him to become more secretive.

[Looksgoodingravy]

The phone is the key and the only way of finding out is to either let him know how you're really feeling or just check his phone while he sleeps, sorry but once you feel this way, in my experience, the nagging doubts just don't go away. Hope you can sort this out.

[blinkybell]

Sorry, didn't see page 2

houseofplain sorry, I didn't see the thread from earlier, I hope bitchtastic is OK if she's lurking!

stargazy it's just so stupid, it's mostly silly, completely irrelevant stuff, it's just so exasperating

[blinkybell]

I suppose I'm worried it's clouding my judgement as he's never done anything in the last 10 years to make me doubt him.

I don't really know, I suppose I don't want to jump to conclusions just because it's happened before.

Stupid, I know.

[stargazy]

Would endorse Sternface's post re lying by omission.This was something my DH did at odd times over our long and generally very happy marriage.About silly ,small things he thought I wouldn't approve of or understand.Like a naughty little boy.It would slightly exasperate me,even amuse me at times.

Then two years ago I discovered a friendship he had developed with an OW and kept secret once it moved on to meeting up when not necessary for work, and lots of texting that was becoming sexual.Counselling and us coming close to divorce made him look hard at his behaviour, and how this type of lying can lead to serious consequences.

If Your DH has a track record of this, and given the change in his phone habits I was would trust your inner voice of disquiet ,and hopefully if you do uncover anything it's not gone too far - and he will finally grow up and treat with the honesty and respect you deserve having forgiven him once before.

[Houseofplain]

Where were you all when bitchtastic posted :( she got her thread deleted. I know you are lurking, so post again.

Her dh has been having an "inappropriate" friendship and has now buggered off for 2 days. All she got was the, it's you not him crap, or he wanted you to care for him.

Op listen to you instincts. Sorry to hijack your thread, but that ops last post in hers, was quite distraught sounding as she got no help. It was similar to this...but he'd gone to a hotel.

[AnyFucker]

why would the past "cloud your judgement" ??

I would be more likely to think it the measure of the man (going off present behaviour)

but that's just me

[blinkybell]

My instincts are screaming at me that he's up to something.

This is how it all started before.

[blinkybell]

Thanks!

No, it isn't my birthday until December!

Last time wasn't a physical affair, it was texting/chatrooms/webcam and it was just some random he'd met in a chatroom. DD1 was a newborn at the time, I kicked him out, we went for counselling and worked at getting back together and he's never done anything to make me doubt him until now

Which is why I'm wondering if the past is clouding my judgement and it's just odd behaviour.

I really can't find any incriminating evidence anywhere else, nothing on the computer, nothing on his phone bill, and I can't get the texts itemised.

He's always been really vague, about the oddest things, the pregnant friend is one example, but even stuff like who bought the chocolate in the cupboard, I didn't so there can only be one other person who did, or whether he saw John in the pub, but he gets really defensive and shifty when there's no reason to be. I don't really behave like a fish wife so it's not like I'm going to bite his head off.

He works from home (an old outhouse in the garden is a converted office and there's only one way out through the house so I'd notice if he wasn't there when he said he was), the only time he's at work-work is the nightshift which I know he's doing.

The voluntary work mainly involves our kids and our friends - he's a school governor and a scout & cub leader. Most of the time our children are there. He goes to meetings and camps and stuff but if the kids aren't there, he's with other people who would question if he wasn't there iyswim

The friends he goes out with are mainly our friends, we moved away from where we grew up so our friendship circle is mainly through school, scouts, neighbours, etc, and I am friends with them too.

I hope they wouldn't hide anything for him

I feel like I'm going mad but I know I'm not imagining the odd mobile phone behaviour and I'm worried the previous texting issues, that I thought I had got over, are making me unduly suspicious

[SucksToBeMe]

The good thing is,now you are on high alert and will be able to monitor any new changes/routines.

[PissyDust]

Is it your birthday soon?

Optimistic suprise party.....?

[MadAboutHotChoc]

The history of lying is another red flag. It sounds like he didn't learn anything from his previous affair because if it was properly dealt with, he would have worked on his habit of lying.

Dealing with an affair properly means the cheater having to take full responsibility and work on his or her own issues and personality flaws that led to the affair (e.g lying, selfishness and entitlement).

Could he have met someone via the voluntary work? Or at work? Can you remember him mentioning a female colleague?

The fact that he is usually out of the house a lot for work/voluntary work/meeting friends means there are lots of opportunities for him to have an affair.

[sternface]

Someone who's in the habit of telling lies either of omission or commission and who keeps secrets, is much more likely to give themselves permission to have an affair. The lie of omission you mentioned IRT your friend's pregnancy was a red flag given his previous history. Unless of course he wasn't actually with that friend at all and genuinely didn't know - and was vague and shifty because if he had seen him he would have definitely heard the good news and had to lie thereafter that of course he'd been told but had forgotten to mention it to you.

It might be that his/your friends don't know anything and he's using them as cover stories without their knowledge. Or he's taking time off work that you (and possibly his employers) don't know about. Affairs are rarely conducted at night anyway, especially if the other person is attached herself.

Could you change the bill settings to itemise even free texts?

[Looksgoodingravy]

A relationship can start out via text and then progress..

[Lueji]

Do the friends he goes out with and does voluntary work with include women?

[Looksgoodingravy]

I agree, trust your instincts, I was also told I was wrong last year when I suspected something was going on but I was right all along.

Dp started leaving his phone screen face down when he was charging it and he'd turn the volumn off, only noticed all of this since having an iphone myself, he also had an app called viber which allowed him and OW to chat, call each other all free of charge and nothing would come up on the phone bill. Dp had facebook too but his mobile number was on his info page and that's when the private texts started. It could be something it could be nothing, it could be something just starting. Can you talk to him? or can you check his phone while he sleeps? sounds awful to think of doing that but I wished I'd have done this last year!

[MusicForTheMasses]

Trust your instincts. x

[blinkybell]

Sorry, crossed posts. He hasn't really changed in anyway at all to be honest.

He's always been quite secretive and economical/vague with what he tells me, but with really weird stuff - for example, he didn't tell me a friend of ours was pregnant (he'd been out with her DH and he'd told him, but didn't tell me - I knew he was seeing them and asked how they were but he just said they were fine) then got really vague and shifty when I asked why he hadn't mentioned it, but there's no reason for him to be vague and shifty or not tell me. It's odd

The phone ringer/text alert has been set to silent too recently. He'd missed some calls from me when I needed to get hold of him urgently because he'd turned it off so I noticed it. It still vibrates though and I can't say I've heard it vibrate at odd/dodgy times.

He does go out with his friends and stuff, but we live in a close-knit community and his friends are our friends so I'd soon find out if he was somewhere he shouldn't be

[KirstyWirsty]

And btw .. trust your instincts .. I was being driven mad last year being told I was imagining things .. my gut feeling was bang on!!

[KirstyWirsty]

Sorry but when my STBX became attached to his phone he was cheating..He used to even sleep with it under his pillow

The only reason I thought he couldn't be cheating was because he never went anywhere but then on here someone said if he works (particularly for a large organisation) he has time to cheat .. my H worked at the council and between offices so no one kept tabs on where he was - he also went to a 3 day conference which turned out to be a mini break with his girlfriend when it all came out.

Sorry you are going through this x

[MissFaversam]

He's done it before OP and I'd bet he's up to it again, sorry

[blinkybell]

Thanks!

He works from home mostly, with about 2 nightshifts a month. I know he's at work at night when he says he is as he gets an extra shift allowance and it's dated on his payslip. He does do some voluntary work but the people he does it with are our friends and I would have thought they'd say something if he hadn't turned up one week

He's open with the PC, he leaves email and Facebook logged in all the time and there's nothing on there. There's nothing dodgy on the history, but you can clear the history for the last hour, or use private browsing

I've looked on the phonebill but there's not much information, no numbers I don't recognise, but we have unlimited free texts and it doesn't itemise those

I wouldn't think that keeping his phone with him is dodgy, it's just he's always left it laying around, the change has been quite sudden iyswim

The last time it happened, we did sort it out properly, it didn't get shoved under the carpet or anything. It was properly dealt with

I'm honestly beginning to wonder if I'm imagining it, but for the weird cat peeing on my phone/hiding the phone today, it was just a nagging doubt, but now I'm beginning to wonder

[Kaluki]

Oh dear! Doesn't look good!
My ex use to love really silly ringtones and had a different ringtone for each phone contact - it used to drive me mad.
Then suddenly it was set to vibrate only and never left his pocket.
I checked it one day while he was in the shower and found the worst!
He had been cheating.