Oh I'm really bloody angry. Going to vent here, sorry!

[NoVeggiesBeforeSkeggies]

This will be long!

I seperated from H a couple of years ago.
He works abroad, coming back to England for a few weeks every 3 months.

A few months ago I was really, really struggling financially.
Was in rent arrears, and had put my car up for sale to try to get straight. (Insurance is sky high)
Then DS did something silly and I had to take him to hospital in the middle of the night, so decided if at all possible I needed to keep my car.
I have no family near by, and really rely on it.
H was "sympathetic, but not really my problem"

Fine, fair enough. Even though he earns plenty and only pays the minimal amount of maintenance
Sold other bits and bobs, cut my food bill right down and took out a small provident loan [grr] and .
Got it all sorted, car still costs me more than I can comfortably afford, but I want to keep it, so am dealing with that.

Today I get a phone call from H, he's ordering some fishing stuff for when he gets back, "only £1000 worth", because he needs it.
And if he fills my car up with petrol could I drive him to the Lake District and pick him up again?

FOR REAL????? I live in the Midlands. He wants me to drag my children all the way there to drop him off, drive back with them, and then do it all over again, using my car that he wouldn't even give me a tenner towards.

Because I've said fuck off no, I'm apparently a mardy bitch and should get the divorce paperwork sorted for when he gets home.

This man is so self absorbed. I'm raging and so fed up with always being in the wrong.

Sorry to vent on here, but it's been eating me up and I feel like I might burst out of my clothes like the Hulk if I don't get it all out.
So at least my clothes are safe for now....

[Inertia]

Or, take him to LD, but coach the children to ask pleading questions all the way there:

DC - mummy I'm cold, why can't I have a warm coat/ why can't we go on holiday? / I'm hungry, can we eat ?

NoVeggies - you should feel warmed by the knowledge that Daddy is happily kitted out with fishing rods and maggots / Daddy believes that he is the only one that deserves a holiday/ perhaps Daddy will catch some fish for our supper.

Potential for a Scrooge-style conversion maybe ?

(obviously ex is taking the piss big-time - no wonder you are angry!)

[NoVeggiesBeforeSkeggies]

Thankyou for all the advice- and revenge ideas

He is paid in the UK I think, so interesting to know that the CSA can still be involved.

I thought about selling the car and getting cheaper one to free up some money, but mines already 8 years old (and has a small dent in ) so don't think I'd get enough to make it possible. I'd probably land myself with a wrong 'un too (going by my man choosing skills!)
Insurance is crazily high on it because I've only been driving for 11 months- hoping to get it cheaper soon though!

Inertia, good plan, DS would do that easily-he is the biggest moaner ever!
It'd be 4 hours of "I'm bored, are we there yet? I'm hungry/thirsty. My bum/feet hurts. I'm too hot. I'm too cold..."

And worse still the trip back " Whhhhhy can't I stay with Daddddddyyyy. I don't like you I want to stay with daddy"

Have a headache just thinking about it!

[diddl]

Is it worth considering selling the car & using taxis when necessary?

[Rowtheboatashore]

Standard mileage payments around 50p per mile in each direction, but that's without a driver and child-minder thrown in. Alternatively, just say "NO"

[diddl]

Well the only way I would consider it would be if I didn´t have to take son, that I wouldn´t collect but might forget to say that, that I would driveoff with fishing stuff & somehow sell lose it.

[diddl]

But tbh I wouldn´t consider it.

[diddl]

Tell him you´ve had to sell the car to feed his children.

[LB1982]

Wow, everyone is being very harsh!! My DP is an XH and gives his XW the 'minimum amount'. He too is on a good wage and this works out at nearly £400 per month!!!! He used the CSA calculator as a guide. This is, in my opinion, ample.

While the XW receives working tax credits, maintenance, etc etc.. we are expecting our first child together and I'll be back at work in 9 months and then i'll pay goodness knows how much in child care - and no tax credits.

I am over the moon when my DP can afford himself something nice that, in my opinion, he deserves and works hard for.

Obviously you don't have to pass on details as to how much he gives you but if it is the 'minimal amount' and he's on a good wage, then surely he probably gives you quite a bit already?

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not being unfair and I appreciate that you are struggling - aren't we all. It is very tough at the moment.

If I have the wrong end of the stick and this 'minimal amount' of maintenenace is in fact utterly measly, then I take it all back.

[LB1982]

I disagree - the CSA calculate on earnings - not a set amount so every man pays differently. I appreciate there are men (or women if the man is the Parent with Care) out there unemployed, on mimimum wage, on benefits etc and paying £5 per week through the CSA or whatnot, but actually this is a minority. Most men pay their percentage per child (which is calculated on how often they have them) which is more than enough - plus they then spend another few thousand £££ per year by having them almost half the time/a third of the time or whatever.

OP, if he is on a good wage, go onto the CSA website. They have calculators on there. Find out what he should be giving you and suggest it to him. If he were to be taken to Court (which you would probably get legal aid for and he would have to pay thousands!!) that's probably what they would suggest anyway, along with any spousal maintenance if you were 'accustomed to a certain lifestyle' before separating.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

LB - the OP is struggling - struggling to keep a roof over her children's heads. Her ex is clearly isn't - if he can afford to spend a grand on fishing gear. I quite agree that there's nothing wrong with someone buying themselves a treat, but surely ensuring your children have a home to live in would be a higher priority to a parent, than buying yourself a treat?

[LB1982]

... Hence the second paragraph of my response........

[youllbewaiting]

How much of the father's salary should the CSA take then?

It's 15, 20 or 25% and the RP gets working and child tax credits and the child benefit.

So should it be 50% of his salary?

[caramelwaffle]

NoVeggies Vent away.

(love the nickname BTW)

[ShoutyHamster]

'H was "sympathetic, but not really my problem"'

If a car that is being funded by you alone in order to make sure that there is transport for his children in an emergency is not really his problem - then I'm sure he can understand you feeling that his fishing trip is not really your problem either.

Though I'm sure you can muster up as much sympathy for him as he did for you.

Practice a few sad faces while you're on hold to the CSA :)