After 6 months of no contact hes still in my head 24/7 - please help me wash my brain

[Tricoteuse]

We were only together a year but it was the most amazing time - I was hopelessly in love and didn't want it to end. There was no future for us - we could never have really got it together as he was significantly younger than me - it would never have worked. We led totally different lives - him being 20 something and me being 40 something with children. Didn't stop me being obsessed with him and I still am. I just want him out of my head. I hate it that he takes up so much mental energy and that I am still in the position where I congratulate myself on a minor victory if I go more than 10 minutes without wondering what hes doing or if he misses me. I believe he loved me but it would have got messier and messier as I got older and he wanted to live his life and I kind of pushed him away - he chased me for a long time saying none of it mattered and we would find a way but bit by bit I kind of talked him into it and then in the end he ended it not me. I just dont want to think about him or his bloody beautiful skin any longer. I'm so miserable.

[Tricoteuse]

thank you ladies - this has made me laugh. Its really made a difference to me. I'll get there :)

[TheOriginalFAB]

I have to disagree with Shiney's 4th point.

Good luck with moving on.

[Animation]

"as I say I want to wash my brain"

It's like that song from South Pacific -

"I want to wash that man right out of my hair

and send him on his way..."

I think it can take a good 18 months at least.

[SingOut]

at shineon.

Just as an aside, Colette didn't write the Cheri books while locked in a room - her husband 'encouraged' her to write some books about her schooldays and add some saucy details, then he flogged the first book and when it did well he made her write more, all of which he published under his name.

She eventually left him (hurrah!) and went on to write many more books under her own name, and 'reclaiming' the Claudine series as her own.
Errm, random tangent over. I also think you need to stop thinking about his skin. The nicest skin I've ever known has been on people in their 40's and 50's... S'all relative, innit?

[FabbyChic]

You need someone to fill the void, to help you get over him emotionally even if you just see someone for the sake of it, someone to make you feel better, to ease the pain.

[MangoMonster]

It just fades with time and distraction.

[missy10]

i still love my ex maybe im obsessed as well but im getting mixed messages from him i have just spent the last 2 hours talking to him and he has given me the hope that we may get back together again

[Tricoteuse]

Shineon - bang on. I feel obsessed rather than in love these days. I loved him once, that I know but now I'm horribly obsessed

• as I say I want to wash my brain. I know a million things about him that would drive me round the twist if we had ever tried to make a go of it but it doesn't change the fact that we made each other happy - very happy for a while. But yes, I
  

Am obsessed - I dearly want advice on how to not be - as I say I want to wash my brain

[MangoMonster]

original Inwas referring to relationships which ended over less traumatic reasons, when you just don't see yourself going in the same direction. Sometimes it can take a while to get someone out of your head and you shouldn't feel bad about that.

[TheOriginalFAB]

I found that doesn't work. I was with one guy for over 2 years and got over him in about 12 seconds after he hit me. I have got over all my exes except one pretty quickly. I don't think you can generalise.

[MangoMonster]

Sounds silly but if you were with him a year, will probably take a year to get over him. That's what I have found.

[MangoMonster]

It's hard to get someone out of your head, but meeting someone does take your mind off it quickly, if it is just a case of needing a distraction.

[ImperialBlether]

Note that Colette was locked in a room until she'd finished writing (by her husband or lover, can't remember which.)

[TheOriginalFAB]

Nothing wrong with an age gap. I know a 39 year old man who is married to a woman more than 10 years old than him but if your ex wasn't right, he wasn't right.

[Tricoteuse]

Thank you for your kind replies - fab - bought the book today. I'll try anything but the reviews look good. I want my brain to stop processing it more than anything - it's like I'm not in control and I hate it.

I've been reading the cherie book - I can see already it's going to resonate a little too much - I think I will cry a great deal.

Springdaffs - I was 43 and he was 26. Ridiculous. Stunningly beautiful though. He was like silk to touch

[springydaffs]

back now - spill the beans OP, 20 what? you said 20-something which suggests the younger end rather than the older end...? mine was 28 and I was 48.

[SingOut]

The very first thing I thought when I read your post was Cheri by Colette. I'd recommend The Last of Cheri too, the sequel. In many ways reading them both back to back helped me to move on from a similar obsession, I read them both on holiday and cried loads. It helped.

I have no advice but lots of sympathy. I think perhaps we just love some people always, it doesn't go away at all but it gets less painful, and eventually our heart capacity increases to love others as well which brings its own sweetness and healing. You may never stop loving him but my guess is eventually you'll stop thinking about him so much. It's just time, I'm afraid :(

[cecilyparsley]

It does sound like a sort of addiction thing which is outside of rational control, and really probably not all that unusual, isnt that why men joined the french foreign legion!
In my case when a relationship has ended usually other person has been thoroughly objectionable and that has made it easier...quite possibly I've provoked them into being nasty to provide myself an exit from the relationship
Bah! what a pain it all is

[TheOriginalFAB]

Only time for a short message but I recommend Paul McKenna's I Can Mend Your Broken Heart book and CD. I have been in love with someone for 24 years and never been able to move on, we were in contact so that made it much harder, but one read of the book and a few listens of the CD and I am well on my way. He has been a dick just lately so that helped too. Nothing else has even come close to sorting my head out.

[cecilyparsley]

@ 44 you're a year younger than me..plenty of young guys to be had via internet dating...if thats your thing.
Or find some other passion in life to fill the gap?

[Tricoteuse]

cecily - I've considered that. I'm 44 - I wouldn't know where to find one! This man sort of landed in my life at work afer my divorce - I have had to change my job to be free of him which wasn't much fun.

spring - oh boy there was lots of that falling in love with yourself stuff. He made me feel beautiful and made me realise I wasn't stupid. I could teach him things. He made me feel great about me. Pah! I don't want to try again - this pain wouldn't go away and I can see the day when I would look like Richard and Judy and it would be tragicly sad for him to be shackled to someone that much older. I can't go back there. I just want to forget him. Get my brain under control.

[springydaffs]

what is it that they say about falling in love being about falling in love with yourself? Haven#t read the Greer book - keep meaning to - but it's no coincidence that as we get older we 'fall in love with' youth. It may sound sordid (but then, isn't 'sordid' close to the surface in our minds when entangled in something like this?) but wasn't that the theme of that film with Dirk Bogarde as the main character, who falls hopelessly in love with a gorgeous young boy? It was a book, wasn't it, not just a film . Anyway, got to go out now. I'd let yourself love him if I were you - what good forcing yourself not to?