Help! How can I handle DH's temper?

[notlettingthefearshow]

I'm 5mths pg with our first baby. We have recently bought a house which needs alot of work - superficial, ie decorating and furniture rather than knocking down walls. The house is a bit of a tip while various tradesmen/parents come and go to help us sort it out. IMO it's going well, it's what we expected, but DH is not coping with it well. There IS a lot to do, and he is doing more physical work than me, but I am doing all the online and baby research, IYSWIM.

He gets so stressed with the house being messy and today has told me to off for leaving a splash of tea on the sink when we were rushing to leave the house for work. I was shocked but not as shocked as later tonight when he shouted at me in horrible language and complained about how useless I am. I am a mild tempered person and I don't shout back - I said we had to talk about it, not shout, and this seemed to make him angrier and he stomped off upstairs. I've said before that he has anger management problems but he blames it on me for being messy/not doing enough/not caring.

I'm worried that he will shout and swear and have this temper with the baby, and I don't want the baby to grow up in a household like that. What can I do?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What if he refuses to go to counselling, what will you do then?. I used the words "such men" and did not write "men like this".

You are not there to tolerate such verbal abuse from him. Does he really think that his behaviour is problematic?. There is no indication from him as to how he is going to change his behaviour; that says to me that he either can't or won't. He always has choices re how to behave.

At 5 months pg as well you really do not need such nonsense from your H, a man who is supposed after all to love you. You and your unborn child are your utmost priorities.

[Peachy]

Whilst I agree with your alst line Atilla I can see no reason she cannot suggest counselling and or a trip to the GP, and then if he refuses it is time to consider options.

TBH in a marriage I do think it's a role too support health- NOT to take responsiibility for it but suggesting it easy and part of a supportive relationship.

The criterion that DH HAS to see a GP if I am warried has saved my marriage. It forces him to step outside the illness itself and take action on the basis of his fear of losing me.

[InTheArmyNow]

Peach I agree re seeing the GP.
Also sometimes (men or women) can not see they are not well (temper, depression). It's not unsual at all that outsiders can see something is worng and the person wshould see a GP when said person is titally oblivious to it. For me a good partner would be one who is pointing out that sort of things.

notlet I actually think your H has taken some good steps here. Him acknolwdeging it is his responsabilities is a big one because it will allow him to do something about it.
Then you will know if your DH needs some strong guidance or if he is able to tackle the situation on his own. The fact he has had counselling before might point that he is aware that people sometimes needs outside psychological help, again a good start.

How does it feel to you?

[cestlavielife]

if he has had depression and counselling before then he absolutely must go to gp, talk about treatment he had before and about treatment options now -maybe focus on things like going to the gym etc .

people who are prone to depression are likely to get it again - and given the life changes - the house stuff; baby etc then he is going to be vulnerable to another episode... my exP had had previous episodes of depression and i really didnt take on board the implications - but ultimately it was the anger (and criticisms etc, controlling abusive behaviour) that combined with his depression to lead us down a path to hell...

i think he is going to have hard time adjusting to life with a baby -the lack of control you have...be wary of male post natal depression etc ie his depression of the past returning...

if he can go talk to someone now, establish a relationship with a counsellor deal with what is going on in his life....maybe CBT to work on strategies to deal with stress/anger etc.

if he does this -then maybe the outlook might be better. he has had depression before - he is vulnerable to it returning and you are vulnerable to the fallout which is much worse when you have a baby to consider .

make an appt for him for GP and go with him - discuss pvs depression and what worked then and what might work now for stress/anger - because in a few months his stress levels are going to be high with a screaming baby added to the mix .....

if he does nothing, muster friends and family support for when baby is born, in case he cant handle it...