I've ended it with DH today

[VeryVeryVeryNumb]

And I can't believe I've done it and he doesn't seem to think I'm serious.

I dont want to go into all the reasons as I feel far too fragile to thnk about much at all.

We've been through a lot though including violence and emotional abuse. (him to me)

The crux of the matter is that he went away to work last year without my agreeing....and he wants to do it again and he wants us to move abroad right now with him and the DC and I really dont want to.

My fear of the kids being estranged from him has kept me with him basically. He's not from this country and he will go back home if we're over and it's on the other side of the world....they wont know their Dad basically. They're 7 and 3.

He won't stay as he says he can earn more at home...this was what broke the camels back....today he said "if I get offered a job with enough money I am going."

And so I said "right then we're over"

He was shocked and obviously doesn't believ me.

When returned last year I said I would try again only if he never accepted more work abroad uness we were coming too... and I would not go abroad with him until we had managed to live peacefully together for a year.

He says this is me putting off moving abroad and it's not...its me trying to see if we can actually get on...without fighting. I wont go there to live with him whilst I dont trust him basically

I am so sad and numb but a tiny corner of me is happy...or maybe it's relieved. I feel a bit free. I have told him that he can stay until he finds this marvelous job abroad. We own nothing and have no money at all so he can't exctly take anything. We ae in a rental in his name but I think the landlord will happily put my name on too....we've had this place for 5 years now.

I cant face telling my family and friends I fee worried about it all. When he went last year for ten months it as awful. I felt so aone and the kids missed him. But every day I am waking up in fear....fear of him going and fear of his moods....its not good for the DC.....I feel like I'm out of the frying pan into the fire.

I wanted this on here so that I can look back and remember why I ha finished it....incase he weakens me. H doesn't beleve me I know he thinks I will come around and then he will put the pressure on me again.

APart from all this I do have love for him. He is a very good Father and the DC adore him.

[chubsasaurus]

gosh sorry I didnt read the abuse bit - not implying Australians are abusive at all!!! Just you said other side of the world...Sorry you're going through this.

[chubsasaurus]

Is he Australian by any chance?

[LizaTarbucksAuntie]

Hope you had a good night's rest Very and that you have a postive day

[catwalker]

"He's a very good father". Really?

He is violent towards his dc's mother
He left you all to go abroad last year
He is not working hard enough to build a happy family unit for his dcs
He is prepared to move away and hardly ever see his dcs if you don't do what he wants.

Is this someone who deserves to be called "a very good father"?

My cousin's marriage (to a truly horrible woman) broke down a year ago. He is now stuck in a part of the country 250 miles away from the rest of his family and where it is not so easy for him to find work. He will never move away from his children. She is always threatening to move away and he is fully prepared to up sticks at the drop of a hat so he is never too far from his children;. He is a good man and a very good father.

[FabbyChic]

When he goes honey, you redecorate you make the home yours and your childrens, make it so it no longer resembles the home you had with him, its the start of the fresh start, it's the beginning of a new life on your own, without living in fear of what is around the corner, of what mood he is going to come home in.

You have made the right decision for you, spur of the moment one, but one that was no doubt in the back of your mind all along.

I wish you luck on your new life.

[EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions]

I went there for two months during maternity leave. I was lonely, it was isolating, there was nothing for me to do, I have a fulfilling career here and I couldn't be a SAHM even in the UK...and ultimately I didn't love him enough to give up my life for him. I think it's an unrealistic and dangerous myth that it's ever a good idea to give up your life to be with someone for the sake of love.

[Inertia]

very - you sound relieved , strong and determined, I think you know deep down that you are doing the right thing.

If your H is abusive, him working abroad might turn out to be beneficial. In the meantime, you might want to seek advice to keep yourselves safe until he goes.

I think you also need to get advice about the children's passports. if you are not going to get them valid UK passports and hide them in a place of safety, you need to ensure that your H cannot apply for passports himself. You also need to check the passport laws regarding his home country , as he might be able to apply for the children's passports for that country without your knowledge.

[HerHissyness]

First things first, you have indeed done the right thing, you even feel it in your bones!

If he's abusive, for the love of cheese, don't go ANYWHERE with him [bitter experience]

Stick to what you know is right, don't deviate, don't be sucked back in, and don't give a stuff about anyone who isn't 100% supportive of this your best decision in ages!

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks, no-one knew the real H, did they? If they'd have walked a few yards even in your shoes, they'd understand.

Let him go, carry on with your life, be happy (you know you will be!) And enjoy every second of freedom with your DC.

Remember, his relationship with his DC his HIS responsibility, leave that to him. He'll either sink or swim. Your DC would probably fare better without a crappy excuse for a role model anyway, so if he decides it's too much bother, so be it. Don't chase it, let him show what he's made of.

Well done chuck, if you fancy it, there's a thread for those in/out of emotionally abusive relaionships, look it up, great place to vent, sound things out and reality check any BS we might be being fed!

[SaffronCake]

You posted while I was typing. It's so important to share with people, you really should tell your family and best friends.

[Katisha]

Tell them.
You may have to put up with a bit of "we told you so" but that's better than trying to hold all this in yourself. You are not afailure - you gave it your best shot.
THey are outraged on your behalf and someone needs to be.

[SaffronCake]

I second the suggestion to check out entitledto.com. When you type it in it redirects to a website called turntous or something which confused me when I first tried it. The benefit checker there is well worth the ten mins it takes to use and it means you can try out all the different possible outcomes and see how things might look if .

You'll be alright. You sound like you know deep down it was the right thing to do. If he gets to be a PITA while he's waiting for the magic job to appear so he can move out don't be affraid to chuck him. WomensAid can be invaluable for support, even though the violence was in the past. They're on 0808 2000 247, try another time if it's busy the first time you call.

[JustFiveMinutesHAHAHA]

You need to tell your family, no matter how hard it is - they will help you stay strong through this.

[LizaTarbucksAuntie]

I know it seems unbearably hard to tell them, but you must, they can breathe a huge sigh of relief and offer you the support you will need. They will be horrified to think you were scared to tell them.

[VeryVeryVeryNumb]

I cant bear to tell my family...they all hated him for dumping us last year and now this. wanker.

He's a fucking sad bastard.

[VeryVeryVeryNumb]

Eric what made you not go abroad then?

[solidgoldbrass]

You have done the right thing. OH and one other practical point for you - you may be entitled to houseing benefit even if you work - I work and get HB as my income is low and erratic.

[EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions]

Your story is quite familiar to me. STBXH is also from overseas and abandoned me for months, his wish to be there not here is the major factor which split us up (though there was plenty of EA and not a lot of support). His country is only 3hrs flight by ryanair so much easier and he will be here for a fair bit of the year so not quite as extreme as yours...but I get it. We also have a more peaceful time when he's not here.

[JustFiveMinutesHAHAHA]

I hope you get some sleep.

I agree that you need to tell people IRL.

If you think there's any chance he would take the kids - you need to take legal steps to prevent it - there's nothing to stop him getting passports for them.

[Katisha]

ACtually I think it would be a good idea to try and tell someone in RL. It makes it real then. And you will get support. You don't have to pretend nothing has happened, it is not admission of failure on your part.
And it may also help stop H just steamrollering over you if he refuses to believe you are serious.
I think you should tell someone.

[VeryVeryVeryNumb]

I am going to bed now. I feel so tired. I will update thoughx

[VeryVeryVeryNumb]

DD2 hasn't got a passport and DD1s is out of date. thank you for the kind words. They mean a lot as I an''t bring myself to speak to anyone in rl

[cestlavielife]

you wll be fine.
your dc will be fine.

my ds have seen dad once in nine months and he lives round the corner (various reasons) - they fine.

your H will decide how he wants to play it.
he could make regular visits back and see them. or he may chose not to.

remember and repeat what you said "The times I was most at ease were when he wasn't with us anyway"

[stripeywoollenhat]

rabbitpie is right about the children's passports, you should put them somewhere he can't access them for the time being.

good luck.

[LizaTarbucksAuntie]

Do you know what? littlemad has never asked if his daddy loved him, don't torture yourself with unknowns right now, you need all your energy to get through this part. It will get much easier as you discover your new way of being you, you may well find (I did anyway,) that many of the things you worried about before you took your steps are not the things that are tough.

FWIW littlemad sees his dad every six weeks and the rest of the time he gets on with his life.

Please be kind to yourself and really get through one day at a time, don't forecast ahead.

Have some hugs from here

[VeryVeryVeryNumb]

I keep thinking about the past with us. Looking back for haappy times. The times I was most at ease were when he wasn't with us anyway.

I can cope fine without him but I am devestated the DC wont have their Dad. I can't even say they'll see him at weekends like other kids...they wont will they? He's going to be thousands of fucking miles away.

I will be expected to organise Skype conversations and tell them he loves them at bedtime.

What I can't work out is that if he DOES....then why the fuck does is he saying he's going back abroad?

He hasn't said it since I told him we're over. He hasn't sunk in with it yet I dont think. He keeps trying to talk normally to me and I can't look at him.

I keep going over things like DD1s birth. And then I cry. It seemed we were close then. but there's been so much hurt since then.