Help. Scared of sex

[sillyandfrigid]

I have name changed for this because I am so humilated by my problem, it is a great cause of shame for me.

I suffer from a condition called vaginismus, which basically means the walls of my vagina go into spasm during penetration making it very painful and, at times, impossible. It's a purely psychological condition which I think arose from an unfortunate situation on a train when I was 16 with a guy who assaulted me in the toilet.

I have had therapy for this and using dilators was finally able to tolerate and even enjoy penetration. But in order for me to enjoy sex I need to be very relaxed and be with someone very patient. My previous partner was, and we managed to have an OK sex life.

However, we broke up last year and I now find myself single again after nearly 10 years with him. I would love to meet someone but I am so scared of getting intimate that I think any bloke would run a mile. I'm terrified of this ruining my life.

Blokes are interested in me, I've had several "expressions of interest" but knock them back because I know I'd just be a big disappointment in the sack. At univeristy (prior to being with my previous partner ) I used to get drunk and go to bed with strangers to try and get over this problem. Without exception it would not go well and I had to laugh about it in the morning or I would cry.

I am such a huge let down. I am attractive and funny and confident when I meet people, I am perfectly happy with how I look naked and have no hang ups about that. It is purely penetration, even with a finger, that I hate.

I just don't know where to turn. I guess I have to take the plunge with someone sometime but I am not 19 any more, I'm 31 and I guess expectations are higher. Surely I'm meant to know what I'm doing by now? In reality I have slept with one person in my whole life and even then only in one position and very gently.

thanks for reading

[planks2short1s]

Gah I may have just repeated what everyone else has said. Note to self - remember to refresh page before commenting when you have been off doing work rather than mning!

[planks2short1s]

By their late 20's early 30's EVERYONE has some degree of "baggage" for some it involves trust issues, others have mental health issues or abusive ex partners. In all honesty you are no more weird or a freak than anyone else. Like most other people, if you find the right partner, the biggest issues in the world will fade into the background.

There is no need to be embarrassed. Despite what the media may tell you, not everyone is at it on the first date, and sex isnt the be all and end all to everyone.

However, I have to say your therapy sessions sound awful! Maybe see if you can get another therapist who may suit you more.

[Thistledew]

A suggestion from a slightly different angle-

If you don't already, come and lurk and/or post on the feminist section here, and ask for some suggestions for books to read.

The patriarchal society in which we live places a huge amount of emphasis on the 'necessity' of women being available to be penetrated by men. Reading some feminist view about how this is such a skewed view and a stinking pile of shit for women to deal with might help you deal with the psychological factors that are in play. I am sure that you know that you do not have to consent to being penetrated by anyone, but there are so many subliminal messages in our society, that it is hard to escape from the cognitive dissonance that makes it hard to really take this message on board.

Just remember, no-one, not even a sexual partner, should have an expectation of being able to penetrate you, and no-one, not even you has a right to think any less of you as a person for not being 'available' to be penetrated.

[ameliagrey]

Yes you must also remember that most guys are terrified of willy wilt!

The more they want to impress or do it nicely for you, the harder ( well not) it is for them!

Sex is not about the destination all of the time- you can enjoy the j ourney too.

You need to get shot of this idea it's all about a) going into b).

[sillyandfrigid]

OK, not necessarily small of knob then! But the reading thing is important.

Bumpsadaisie - I've often thought that too. But the guys I've been with (because there's been so many ) have always seemed completely relaxed and not bothered what happens. I have this atavistic need to wow their socks off in the sack which of course never happens.

I remember one of my famous drunken attempts at seduction at University resulted in the bloke farting several times whilst we were in bed. There was no recognition on his part that it might not be particularly pleasant for me. He just didn't care! Whilst I was natrually faintly disgusted, part of me was secretly in awe that he could be in bed with a bird and not give a shit about how it went. Meanwhile, I was trying my best to pull all the best moves and look like Angelina Jolie whilst breathing and trying to get my fanny to open.

[Bumpsadaisie]

OP

Remember too that any new bloke, no matter how experienced, is likely to be stressed about "performing" with a new woman too. It won't just be you who is nervous/stressed, whether or not the man shows it.

Whoever your man turns out to be, he may well be very glad to have a reason to take things slowly and not have to think you are lying there expecting him to pull of the show of a lifetime.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Oi, I didn't say they HAD to be small of knob :o

You are going to be absolutely fine, you are not a case and you are not the only person who has this issue to work with. As another poster so rightly says, most people have something like this at some point, you're not alone. With things like this that you just can't imagine talking to anyone about, it's easy to feel isolated, but that's what MN is for :)

Totally second the person who said much easier to assert your needs and wants at 31 than 21.

[sillyandfrigid]

Thanks all for even contributing, never mind all the great advice; I am touched.

I am feeling stronger from knowing that there are nice, patient, small of knob guys out there and that I just need to stop being so hung up about shagging. Perversely, it's when I really fancy a guy that I clam up, I guess because like I'm desperate to make a good impression, but should try and realise that if I just go with the flow and be open with him, if he's decent, he won't necessarily run for the hills.

If any good is to come of this it's that I can't watch Hollyoaks any more, it has very bad associations for me

[sprinkles77]

I have had something similar, for a different reason. A wonderful gynaecologist taught me a clever trick to help relax. He said imagine pushing out (like you are trying to rush a wee out). It is the complete opposite of what your body is doing naturally (i.e. squeezing shut). Once you can do it, try it while gently inserting something very small and well lubricated (small dilator, dildo, pencil - the not sharpened end of course). Then keep pushing to push it out. once that's easy you can progress to bigger things, always with lots of lube. If every you find yourself in the position that you want to have sex, firstly tell them about your problem, that alone will make you less worried. It will also turn off any twats who don't care enough about you to make the sex work. Obviously lots of foreplay so you feel relaxed. And use lots of lube, and do the pushing trick. A couple of successful shags and you will feel so much better. Good luck.

[Quodlibet]

S&F, coming late to the party but wanted to add to the excellent advice that
a) there's no way you should label yourself or anything about your condition 'an embarrassment'. It sounds like you've worked really hard and very bravely to overcome a trauma that someone else inflicted on you. If the kind of tenacity (and miraculously retained sense of humour) that you show in relation to this extends to the rest of your life, you're an awesome catch.
b) 'normal sex life with a normal person' - no such thing. Loads of people's bodies react/recoil from sexual contact in response to present or past stress. There are also loads of people in this world whose sexual desires don't all centre around vaginal penetration. Can you reframe things in your mind to make this a less important part of the intimate relationship for you?
c) Perhaps at 31, drawing/asserting your own physical boundaries without guilt/angst when it comes to intimacy will be far easier for you than when you were younger. It certainly feels like that for me.
d) your imaginary situation where you lose a very patient guy etc is an extremely extrapolated situation, but one which you've obviously put energy into imagining - but it's not what's happening now. Don't let fear about something unlikely and imaginary and hypothetical in the future stop your life in the present.

[ameliagrey]

OP- might it help to know that as woemn we all have times of our lives when penetration is an issue- well, I did anyway! After giving brith, after having 2 repair ops on my fanjo after giving birth, while I was suffering for years with a chronic health problem down there.....

okay, I was in a committed relationship at the time, but he still had to be patient and considerate.

I really do think you have to ditch this idea that a man will define you by your welcoming (or not) vagina- you are whole person, not just a slot in which he satisfies himself ( and you.)

I'd also second hypnotherapy with someone who is good- it's worth a go.

[CinnabarRed]

I've had hypnotherapy too - in my case for a dentist phobia. It's exactly as Lizzie describes. I was aware of my surroundings, but distant from them too, and completely relaxed. And no problems with dentists now, even when I have a filling .

[UnhappyLizzie]

Finally, logging off now, really harsh to call yourself sillyandfrigid. You are neither :)

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

You have a great attitude, OP

[sillyandfrigid]

Thanks UnhappyLizzie (I hope you're not too unhappy?). I might do some googling. I'm at work but seem to have devoted most of the day to this thread so might as well go the whole hog

[UnhappyLizzie]

Try not to be cynical about hypnotherapy OP. I have had it myself. To stop smoking. I didn't feel 'hypnotised' just very very relaxed. You don't lose consciousness, just go into deep relaxation. You get rapid eye movements. Your conscious mind may still have some thoughts and it doesn't mean it's not working.

When I came out rather self consciously chucked my fags away, feeling like nothing had happened. Within two days not only did I have no craving, it was as if I had never smoked in my life, let alone 20-30 a day for years.

It really works. I'm training to be a doctor and I believe in it 100%, it's not bollocks. Susan Hepburn in Harley Street is very good, look for testimonials for people near you, shop around and find one you like the sound of. You'd probably need a course and not just one session.

[sillyandfrigid]

I am very (very) cynical about hypnotherapy, I don't think I could be hyptonised as I'd just be sitting there saying "nope, hasn't worked. Still awake".

Having said that, I've read a lot of forums for women with this problem and some of them claim it has worked so perhaps I should suspend my cynicism and give it a go - it is a good suggestion.

[sillyandfrigid]

Well "small of knob" is not one of the usual criteria used in finding a man but it could work...maybe I should update my dating profile!

(but they must also like reading and sport and know how to use apostrophes. I don't think being small of knob would be enough).

[UnhappyLizzie]

Have you had any hypnotherapy? This can work miracles. There was a guy on Embarrassing Bodies who had constant spasms in his neck muscles that made him turn his head to one side. It was stress related. Dr recommended hypnotherapy and it sorted it in a few sessions.

Also a friend of mine messed up his eyes by reading too much in strong sunlight (3 week holiday in South of France and he was revising for his Finals). It left him unable to read. He had loads of conventional therapies and hypnotherapy sorted it.

Why not call a few hypnotherapists and sound them out, see if they have experience of dealing with this? Bet they do. You might be able to get it on the NHS if you approach your GP and ask for it.

Also, stop beating yourself up if you can. Lots of us worry about not being 'good in bed', fact is, unless a relationship is only about sex, technique and 'swinging from the chandeliers' is unimportant, it's about being intimate with a person you care about. :)

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Aw petal, I know just how you feel :o

You just have to take it on trust that you're not going to miss out on love and affection because of this.

And - sorry I am half-joking but only half - there is a large constituency of the very nice but small of knob out there who would probably love a woman like you!

[sillyandfrigid]

Elephants - I know you're right. The more I big it up, the worse it will be. After all, it's meant to be fun (apparently). I suppose I'm scared I'll lose a guy I really like because, no matter how patient, he just wants a normal sex life with a normal person, not someone counting to ten under her breath while he tries to stick his knob in.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

It's not your "duty" to ready yourself for penetration, and doing it as a duty sound frankly bloody awful.

Remember you can have an active sex life (and so can your partner!) without actual penetration, sex is a whole range of stuff. Plenty of people have lovely relationships without being able to have penetrative sex at all for whatever reason (e.g. medical treatment, illness). Nerving up to it as something you'll have to do at some point is probably the least likely way to relax and let things happen. FWIW I had a similar problem (although not trauma related) for a while, and was terrified that it would ruin my life. But it didn't, and eventually the right kinds of sex (by which I mean, the right person, enough time, right activities, etc etc) meant I overcame it completely.

[sillyandfrigid]

but thank you!!

[sillyandfrigid]

Tractor - yes, I have come across that site already

[sillyandfrigid]

hightrees - I'm not sure exactly what it is. The closest I can come is comparing it to something coming close to your eye; you instinctively blink - and that's what happens down there. As soon as there's a willy waving at it, it shuts down, my legs tense up and my body does absolutely everything it can to stop it getting in, whether I want to or not.

In order for sex to work I need to breathe, concentrate on relaxing (very raunchy!) and just go slowly. Not quite how they do it on TV