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Judged by mother

10 replies

singingmum · 14/09/2003 15:32

My mother is forever criticising everything about me my family(partner and offspring)and my weight personal choices and even the way I teach my kids as a home educator.I just don't quite know what to do anymore.Today I was telling her about my son and his friend having a disscussion on religion.I am bringing my son up so that he knows all different theories on the subject and allowing him to decide how he feels.I was brought up to believe and now I don't exactly believe in god and don't think it matters anyway.
My mum replied when I said that my son had told his friend that there was no god,by asking me if that was his opinion or mine.I told her that it was his and she accused me of telling my son that there was no god and of pushing my opinions on to him because I have refused to allow her to study her religion with my child.I had to do this as I know how she did this with me and will not have my son thinking that he has to do as she says.My mother is very pushy on the religion thing and I took a long time to start asking questions when younger.I am a dissapointment to her as I have not gotten married and I choose to live my life my own way.
Her religion does not agree with a lot of things such as homosexuality and this causes a problem as one of my sons friends has a mother who is.
I am forever being criticised by her for everything but this was the most annoying for a few weeks.
Does anyone have any idea how I can deal with her as I'm at the end of my tether?She wasn't anywhere near a perfect mum far from it and she still thinks she has the right to tell me how to be a mum.I know I'm not perfect as I suffer with depression this is obvious but unlike her I try not to let it affect my kids.
Any advice appreciated as this is a particularly awkward situation.(causing a lot of the deppresion is my mother and the way she is and has always been with me.)
Sorry to moan so but I don't know wether or not to just tell her the truth about her own parenting or just leave it and shut up and put up
Sorry again know this is long posting.

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Jenie · 14/09/2003 16:44

Having depression does not make you a bad mother. Home educating your children does not make you a bad mother either. Why do you let her get to you about these things? I know she's your mother but could you not start to treat the things she says with a pinch of salt? After all it's just another opinion and there are plenty of different opinions on every subject.

It must be tough as she's your mother but if my mother critisises the choices I make on behalf of myself or my children I let it go in one ear and out of the other and carry on regardless.

I think she may suspect as much.

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Jenie · 14/09/2003 16:44

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scoobysnax · 14/09/2003 17:41

Dear Singingmum - my sympathies on this one.
Here is my suggestion, for what it's worth! You could tell her that it is not part of her role as your mother to criticise you, rather to support you.
Tell her too that you value her opinion, but that you will ask for it when you want it, and will be grateful to her for it, whether or not you end up agreeing with it. Giving unsolicited advice however is nearly always destructive rather than constructive, in ANY relationship between adults - tell her this.
Tell her that you are being direct with her because you value your relationship and want it to be a mutually positive and supportive one.
Criticising your mother's parenting would be unconstructive and quite possibly unfair, and just playing her at her own game - it will just make things worse.
By the way, I am very impressed by the home educating - proves the point pretty well to me that you are an excellent and caring parent!

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doormat · 14/09/2003 19:52

hi singingmum, agree with scoobysnax and jenie.
Let her know that you want her to be supportive but if she starts criticizing your role as a parent let it go in one ear and out the other.
Carry on doing what you feel is right for your child.LOL and hugs to you.Dont let anyone make you feel down, you are doing a great job as a parent.

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zebra · 14/09/2003 20:24

Reading Singingmum's post made me think instantly of this book .

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berries · 15/09/2003 11:19

SingingMum, I really sympathise with this one. I had a very critical, abusive relationship with my mum and it caused a lot of upset in my life. The worst problem was that, even as an adult, I still deperately wanted the approval I had always been denied as a child. It came to a head when I had children myself, and realised that I really couldn't understand how anyone could do or say some of the things she did to a child. I guess it made me realise that the things that happened really weren't my fault, and if she could do that to a child, she wasn't going to be satified with anything that I did as an adult - and did I really care? I stopped looking for approval and actually stood up to her a few times (v difficult to do if you have been bullied as a child). I never actually had a big showdown, but I made some comments such as 'I would never do xxx to my daughter and can't understand how anyone else could' and she knew what I meant. She has since said on a few occassions that she 'wished she had done things differently', which is as close to an apology that I will ever get. I still feel resentment a few times, but we now have a polite, if not particularly close, relationship, which, more importantly, I don't waste valuable time and emotions worrying about. You sound like you are doing a fantastic job as a mum, so please don't let her negativity affect your adult life as it affected your childhood. You don't need a massive showdown if you dont want to, you just need to acknowledge in your own mind that you have a different (better) outlook on life and leave it at that.
Not sure whether this over long post will have helped or not, but at least you know you are not alone!

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Metrobaby · 15/09/2003 12:07

Singingmum - I too can empthasise with your situation. FWIW I think you sound like a remarkable mum - home education sounds like no easy feat and it is commendable that you are teaching your kids to make informed decisions.

My Mum is also similar to yours in that she constantly cristises and is also deeply religious too. I did try scoobsnax's approach but found that my Mum took it offensively when I tried to tell her that wanted advice from her when I asked. She thinks I need to be told whatever. In the end I have accepted that this is the way she is. I do what Jenie and doormat suggests and try my best to ignore her, and let her comments wash over me. Although at times it so hard and I really have to bite my tongue. Often I have ended up cutting a phone call short or leaving the her house quickly when she 'goes off on one'. Like the others have said here, I can only re-iterate that carry on as you are, and to believe in your abilities as a parent. At least you are doing things differently - and better for your kids

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singingmum · 17/09/2003 12:52

Thanks for all the advice.She called and acted as if she hadn't said anything and when I told her that she hadn't a clue as to what I teach my children(she rarely visits and when she does finds excuse to leave or spends whole time telling me what my brother and his wife get up to even though I refuse to have anything to do with them.Think I might have to get hold of the book suggested as I have tried telling her how she hurt me as a child and she wrote back saying ok but and it at first seemed an ok letter.My youngest brother however let it slip that she had said that the letter should soon shut me up and that she thought what I said a load of crap.She seems to believe that she really was the perfect parent and I was some form of wild child.This at least gives me a laugh as I only smoked for a few weeks and never did drugs etc as wasn't interested.Well will have to see what happens no doubt my father will try to patch things up between us so that he's not in middle.
Will now have to ponder advice and try to move on.Sorry about moaning but she's always known exactly how to get to me.
Have tried to stop looking for her approval don't think it's ever going to be given but we are both poets and writers and whole life being told I'm never going to be as good as mum by family and even some family friends.Suppose it makes me angry as no one in family ever really read my stuff and I have won awards and still told that it means nothing.Have really screwed up family.
Damn I seem to be moaning again but think just need to get things off chest.Thank goodness for mumsnet I think I'd be insane by now otherwise
Thanks again
singingmum

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wobblymum · 19/09/2003 11:45

My MIL is exactly the same as your mum and DH's dad is a pastor so the religion thing is hugely pushed, even though DH and I are not religious. Last night MIL rang us to see how dd was (she had a bit of a reaction to her vaccinations) and p*ed me off as usual. I only had dd 3 months ago, so only just getting over the tiredness and still finding a bit hard-going, but IMHO that's nothing unusual. And yesterday I was esp tired as dd had been fussing all day and I had only had a total of 4 hours sleep the night before.

So I was really tired and MIL picked up on this and started going on about how I could have an iron deficiency or a thyroid problem etc etc. Nice to be concerned but she does this all the time, and I know she's not worried about me, she just wants to have something to 'tell me off' about. Sounds paranoid but she's like that to everyone if she can.

Best thing is just to let it go over your head and do what you feel is right. In the end, if mothers/MIL's were really that worried, they'd shut up occasionally. They just do it for the power.

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singingmum · 20/09/2003 15:44

wobblymum
Just read your post.It's amazing my mum is forever telling me that I've got thyroid or anemia or some such deficiency or illness.Does it drive you mad my mum can't stop and even tells me that there is things wrong with my kids if they cough or sneeze.She's a total hypocondriac and I thought she was the only one to push illnesses onto others.She even does it to my baby niece and its driving my youngest brother and his girlfriend nuts.
The worst thing I have decided is to ever be like my mother as my partner would leave and take the kids and I wouldn't blame him It's enough that he has to listen to me talk about my mother without me being like it.Let's hope I never will be.
Def agree with the last part of your post.All to true I'm afraid.