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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I need help

41 replies

amiinsane · 20/02/2011 20:47

I have a problem. LOL . I need to know whether I am going mad or if it is him.

OH has a habit of phoning numbers on my mobile bill to see who they are, he hates me talking to friends on the phone, he thinks they should only phone him up to ask if we would like to go out for an evening. He hates me meeting friends, seeing my family twice a month, you are probably getting the picture. He hasn't gone for me physically since I threatened to phone the police. He trashes the furniture, threatens me with splitting up every few days( we have been together 20 years, lol) etc
He has recently discovered facebook, contantly "stalking" me on there. So I blocked him, not the most sensible thing but I just can't deal with him questioning me about all my friends on there. I overheard him talking to friend of his saying how I doesn't want to know him on FB, and how strange it is that we are not linked. They both agreed I was mad.

Am I ? or is it how I feel it it which is self preservation. He is making feel its all in my mind, though the previous bruises aren't, lol.
I hope this makes some sense, any sense at all?

OP posts:

Report

elizadoestoomuch · 23/02/2011 15:39

How are things amiinsane?

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 21/02/2011 11:39

i speak as a fellow 'mad' person btw.

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 21/02/2011 11:38

googoomama - the kind of skewed view of life and yourself that comes from abuse (and probably had its patterns set in childhood treatment) is a form of 'madness' though.

that is not to blame the victim but to state that until you accept that you are suffering a form of 'madness' you can't begin to realise there is a more healthy way to react to what is going on.

pickgo · 21/02/2011 00:06

Keep posting OP when you can. A lot of us have been there and had similar experiences. We can try and help you sort out your thoughts a bit.

Women's Aid can also offer you any support you would like - they won't push you into doing anything, they'll just listen for now if that's what you want.

Take good care of yourself

googoomama · 20/02/2011 23:04

The OP isn't mad - she is being abused and that completely skews your view of life and youself, without you even realising it. That's the nature of abuse over many years. She IS taking the first steps to freeing herself though, which takes courage and determination and strength.

AgeingGrace · 20/02/2011 22:48

Twenty years?! You're doing really well to be wondering if you're mad, most people would be a nervous gibbering wreck by now!

If he smashes up the house again, call the police. You could ask the library for the Bancroft book, and read it there - or read it at a bookshop, if you're allowed out long enough.

What everyone else said above :)
I think you'll find it quite a relief to talk to Women's Aid.

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 20/02/2011 21:59

you are mad. mad to be staying with him. this is tip top blatant abuse. please stop accepting this life and get out.

googoomama · 20/02/2011 21:27

Oh I really feel for you. My exh also made me feel like I was losing the plot. He often said "My friends think that you are...." or "Everyone thinks that you are..." He didn't like me seeing my friends, it ended up that they didn't come to my house. He hated me phoning my family and was abusive about them when they had done no wrong. And he hated me going to see my family or taking the children to see them. I almost lost my mind, thinking that I was a useless, pathetic and unloveable person. When he left me, I slowly started to realise that I wasn't but three years on I am still working hard to rebuild my self esteem and deal with conflict. Please leave this man. He is psycologically, emotionally and physically abusing you. You are not mad in any way. You are being abused. I hope you can find the strength to leave him and I wish you love and luck x

squeakytoy · 20/02/2011 21:20

Ami... get out now, dont spend the next 20 years wishing you had.

This is no life.. this isnt even half a life. It is merely existing, and mainly in fear, of someone who has absolutely no right to treat you this way.

There are lots of people out here who can help, you wont be left to fend for yourself and you dont need to spend you life double checking every move you make in case it causes some jealous insecure wanker to take HIS problems and mental issues out on you.

belledechocchipcookie · 20/02/2011 21:13

He's an abuser. An abuser doesn't need to use their fists to abuse their partner. He's controlling and manipulative, this is his way of abusing you.

LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 20/02/2011 21:11

It is for exactly this sort of thing.

Call them now, while you have the courage and support.

amiinsane · 20/02/2011 21:11

I think I had better go now. Thank you for all your comments. Will be back tomorrow.

OP posts:

elizadoestoomuch · 20/02/2011 21:11

Womens Aid are for anyone in an abusive relationship, which you are. Ring them now. Just one phonecall. You don't even have to act on their advice if you're not ready. You will be amazed at their support though.

amiinsane · 20/02/2011 21:09

Luckily hes not brilliant at computers. I delete everything and the recycle bin etc.
I suppose I have always though Womens Aid is for people in fear of their lives, not for this sort of thing?

OP posts:

CarGirl · 20/02/2011 21:08

Seriously, pack your bags and leave.

It is him, all him.

LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 20/02/2011 21:05

You know if you ring WA it doesn't appear on your phone bill?

I presume he's not in now. Call now, while you can.

Please be very careful with your MN name and password. He sounds quite scary.

elizadoestoomuch · 20/02/2011 21:04

The fact you have already got the book means somewhere deep down you know that what he is doing is wrong. What you need help with now is realising those feelings. That is where Womens Aid can help.
If you don't feel able to speak to them could you ask a friend? I've spoken to them a few times on behalf of friends just to make the first contact so to speak.

merrywidow · 20/02/2011 21:04

Agree with everyone above

bumbums · 20/02/2011 21:04

Yes please trust your instincts. You wouldn't have posted here if you didn't truely think you were right. He's a control freak turned abusive.
Even though no body here know you, we all know you deserve better. Life doesn't have to be this hard. Get out of there. There's a happy life waiting for you.

amiinsane · 20/02/2011 21:02

Yes I changed my bill to online but that has made things worse, as I now must have something to hide.

OP posts:

amiinsane · 20/02/2011 21:01

I did buy it after reading these threads, I hid it in my car, but he went through my car and found it, not the best idea. ( I hide the car keys btw) God this sounds terrible typing it.

OP posts:

elizadoestoomuch · 20/02/2011 21:01

Womens Aid are very experienced with men like him. They will be able to help you.
Its definitely not you. It is definitely him.

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LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 20/02/2011 21:00

Good post Eliza.

NotANaturalGeordie · 20/02/2011 21:00

Have x posted - the other posters are right, call Women's Aid.

LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 20/02/2011 21:00

For 20 years he has been conditioning you to think like that.

It is not you.

Leave him.

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