The kind of men that single mothers attract...

[catinboots]

Before I start, I am in a great relationship with a fab man and am getting married in August!

However, I was a single mum for a long time and was chatting about this today with a friend (another single mum).

I had DS1 aged 19 and met my DP at 28. We now have DS2 (9mnths). In the nine years it was just me and DS1, I had a sucession of arsewipe boyfrienda. In hindsight I can see similarities between them. They all were in need of 'mothering'. Not in a good way either. In a lazy-fucker way.

I remember my best friend saying something to me once about a certain boyfriend - - - "it's a certain type of man who goes out with a single mum. They know that if you're already wipeing one arse, it makes no difference to wipe two!!" So very true about lots of men I think....

[superv1xen]

mists yes sadly the most economically viable option for a young single loser is to move in with a single mum!

yes totally agree catinboots. and it seems there are a lot of these losers about.

[StuffingGoldBrass]

Everyone has feelings: they are not automatically entitled to get everything they want, just because their feelings will be hurt otherwise.

[earwicga]

SGB - done, but it doesn't stop children having feelings.

[StuffingGoldBrass]

Earwigca: Not necessarily. children who are desperate for a father figure may need to have it explained to them gently that father figures do not just appear because they are wished for but that doesn't mean mummy can't have friends.

[catinboots]

sgb very true. My ds1 seems very unaffected by my various boyfriends who have flitted in and out of our lives. He even takes the piss out of me over some of them!!! But he is an unflappable boy by nature and my father has been a key figure in his life .

Who knows? Maybe he'll turn out to be a cheating scumbag arsehole in a few years time. Then I'll be eating my words.

[catinboots]

Towards not tirades

[catinboots]

Yes but the point I am making I suppose is that the cocklodger targets single mums.

Maybe my view is warped - I have been a single mum since the age of 19 so I cannot really compare my dating patterns pre and post motherhood! I was barely I woman when I became a mum.

I also don't necessarily mean that it is an altruistic choice from the man. Just that that type of bloke naturally gravitates tirades his next mother figure.

mists yes sadly the most economically viable option for a young single loser is to move in with a single mum!

[earwicga]

SGB - it is harmful if said children are looking for a father figure, and are constantly let down.

[StuffingGoldBrass]

I must admit I don't agree with the 'don't introduce your boyfriend to your DC unless he commits' thing either. It's not actually harmful for DC to realise that some people have friends who stay the night and then go away again - in fact, a few casual sexual relationships are a much better thing to model for DC than desperate clinging on to a toxic relationship.

[TwoIfBySea]

Maypole, it isn't that I wouldn't it is just that they wouldn't have me is the thing.

But I'm not desperate so I'll stick with how things are.

[SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan]

and plenty of women have married them, had children with them and stayed married to them.

yuk

[poshsinglemum]

We can't be reckless or whimsical therefore we have to date cautiously.
Reckless and whimsical women go for bad boys. I no longer see the appeal.

SOME single mums may date loosers. Plenty of chioldless women date loosers too. I don't get the logic in this thread at all.

[SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan]

good point valium (how come your name didn't get shortlisted?)

married women overall will be putting up with far worse from men than single mothers are. but that's normal

seems cocklodgers (charming phrase) are attracted to mothers, preferably the mothers of their own children but other people's will do too. basically anyone whose willing to put up with such rubbish.

at least single mothers aren't married to theirs.

[Trop]

Just because you attract them doesn't mean you have to date them does it?

I'm a single mum, have been for about 8 years although I have dated about half a dozen during that time. None of them seemed like keepers, so I didn't.

We are in control of our own love lives you know. Ok so we might not be that attractive to some due to having strings/baggage/whatever but the kind of guy I'm looking for is bigger than that and up to the task.

Not some freeloader who thinks I'm desperate.

I work full time and bloody hard, so I expect any potential boyfriend to do the same.

And I will settle for nothing less.

IF that means I am single for the rest of my life, shame on men.

[Mists]

The "nice place to cock-lodge in" thing is a good point IME.

If you're a bit of a waster on long-term JSA like most of the men on the estate where I live, you have no hope of ever getting a decent place rented or otherwise unless you move in with someone with children.

My exH has deployed this technique countless times before during and after our marriage.

Doesn't mean that LPs accept any old idiot, no. I was far more discriminating after I had DD than I was before, hence having the shite exH

[ValiumTinselton]

Also, a lot of married women are putting up with crappy behaviour from immature men from within a marriage. But that's not a threat to the rest of society, or it's not so noticed and judged. It's not a negative stereotype. It's something that is encouraged by society really. 'ah don't split up over thaaaat.

[ValiumTinselton]

That's so true PSM. Single mothers are hardly a different species, it could happen to even the most braggy smug loved up respectable woman.

[catinboots]

excuse typos. Tired

[catinboots]

Yes I do see the diffrence. Maybe I didn't word it as well as I could.

But I do still think for a lazy man, a self-sufficent single mum is a far safer bet than a woman without children. Single mums are generally very reliable and dependable people. They can't be reckless and whimsical.

It's just going from one set of apron strings to another. And yes maybe not all single mums fall for these men. But I did.

[SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan]

because cat it suggests the women are passive objects in their own relationships/sex life/life in general that men gravitate towards.

we're adults, we choose the men we let into our lives or not. we're not sleeping beauties waiting for a kiss.

it is also a massive generalisation.

and think what you wrote - you didn't write the men are attracted to single mums. you wrote, the men single women attract. do you see the difference?

[sungirltan]

the boyfiends have been ok - just the glaring issue with their age and the eventual heartbreak it causes. the most recent one was fab but as we all knew from the start he grew up and left her :-(

i absolutely agree that looks dont protect you from anything. i just think she sells herself short in every sense. we are in our 30's now. plenty of blokes out there with their own baggage - its not like early 20's when having a child is a dating stigma.

if its a thread about the men, then ok - the men she has dated have all been really quite wet!

[poshsinglemum]

Being a threat is a GOOD thing btw!

[poshsinglemum]

sorry typos.

[poshsinglemum]

I think that anyone can be a singlemuym because how on earth can you know what stunt your man is going to play next. even the most lovely, amazing men have affairs, get cold feet or fall out of love etc.
Men are humans and thus unpredictable. As are women. plenty of single mums I know have left theman because they simply refuse to put up with crap. Quite right too. We are only stigmatised because being a single mum is a threat to the patriarchy.

[catinboots]

How is it patronising?? It's about the men, not the single mums