How do you cope with a friendly, supportive ex who's the father

[Mandwah]

I have tried to search for advice on this subject but not really had much luck and not sure how to write it succinctly to get a response from other mums. I wonder how other mums have come to terms with this ?

I am 39 and I split up with my 37 yr old boyfriend of 6 months earlier this year and we decided that with less pressure we get on better, we don't argue and were much happier. We have had different upbringings and I was lucky and have a loving middle class family (and I have a wonderful dog) and although I was enchanted initially we started having problems once the honeymoon period was over. He lacks some social skills and had difficulty expressing his feelings due to a horrible childhood and we sometimes misunderstood each other. He split from his girlfriend and had to rent a caravan so he could keep his lovely dogs (who have some behavioural problems)and doesn't understand why certain things matter to me (clean bedding, clothes, the leaking shower, opening curtains, the hole in the floor) and I found myself nagging and trying to mould him into someone I could spend the next 40 years with. I decided that it would be better to just be friends and get on with our own lives and we relaxed and we are friends.

However I then found out I was pregnant. I had tried several times to fall pregnant over the last 15 years with long term partners and had reconciled myself to the fact that I would be childless so (after getting over the shock) I was thrilled.

My ex boyfriend was also a bit shocked but has been very supportive. He had a difficult irish childhood with very little parenting and doesn't want to be an unloving absent parent. He is finding it a bit difficult as he doesn't know what his role should be. He has always wanted a family and to give his children all the love and attention he never had. I don't know what his role is either and he is finding this much more emotional and difficult. He has even thought that maybe couselling would help but from my experience in the past they haven't been much practical help.

Here's my dilemma - I think having a father is important and have no problem with his involvement with our childs upbringing but it's a difficult situation. Should he be present at the birth ? How do other single mums cope with access for very young children ? I care about him alot but obviously don't want him around all the time and I'm worried that if he get's too close we may fall out and then I will resent any interference. If I did meet someone else eventually, I would want to encourage my ex to see his child but not to the detriment of my current partner.
What about antenatal classes ? I'll be living on my own and I think he would benefit from a parentcraft course and maybe antenatal ...I?m still trying to find out what the hospital and NCT classes cover. . .
What if I meet someone else and have a child with him, will the first child be spoilt with having two fathers and therefore twice as many things, how can I regulate this to prevent jealousy .. between fathers and siblings ?

I'm very relaxed and calm and just going with the flow and not going to worry needlessly over what might or might not happen but I would welcome thoughts from other single mums who AREN'T alone-and-single or had awful experiences and understandably full of resentment over their ex-partners. Are there any books I can read ?

I've managed to find a house and the ex has said he'll help rennovate it with me as it's in a bit of a state but I'm afraid to take too much help in case he gets resentful later on...

I would like to hear how other "nearly single" mums have coped or approached this situation. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

[Blu]

Mandwah - I admit I had quite a strong reaction to your thread, and perhaps not one that you would expect - or helps to answer your q. But it is one which MIGHT help you in your future relationship with the father of your child - so please forgive me if it's quite blunt!

tbh, on first reading, it comes across as if you dumped this poor man because he just wasn't good enough for you, were looking for a relationship which would get you pregnant, and now you are trying to 'let' him be involved with this child as long as he isn't 'too' involved, and you are having a slight prick of the conscience about potentially exploiting him!

SORRY if this is harsh and unfair - it may be just the way it comes across and it might be me being a nasty bitch. That, I do not mean to be, so again, sorry if i am wrong and out of order.

First and foremost, he will be your child's father whether you are together or not, and unless he realy does something which makes him a bad dad, that is something that deserves to be cherished - even if it does take some compromise with the new perfect partner you will no doubt find. This site is full of women trying to be good step parents in the context of their partners, quite rightly, negotiating communication between the birth parents. Somtimes it is to 'the detriment' of the new relationship - but what you have to put first is the needs of the kids.

You do raise some really interesting q's, and I am sure (or hope) that you will get lts of wisdom - but it did strike me that you might have to let him be him, have access to his child in his own loving way, while you come to terms with his life and lifestyle.

Good luck - congratulations and enjoy your pregnancy.

[ninah]

I don't really agree blu
I think it's reasonable to part ways given the insurmountable differences. The good thing is that this is child who is going to be wanted and loved by both parents, who get on harmoniously without being a couple. As for future siblings this is way ahead, ... concentrate on the baby ... and congratulations!
Go to antenatal together, I'd say. Birth too.

[colditz]

when your child is still a baby, access will be more for the father's benefit that the child's, but as the chld gets older, it will be so important to see as much of both parents as possible.

So saying that you want the father to have access as long as it isn't detrimental to your relationship is quite difficult to enforce without denying your child something very important.

[colditz]

What I mean is, how would you feel if he had custody and limited your access because it upset his girlfriend?

[prettyfly1]

again i feel very similiarly to blu. i am pleased for you and wish you all the best luck in the world but as a single parent myself there is one area i miss out on that you will almost certainly have if you accept him as he is. Noone is as excited by a childs development as his parents. The hard stuff comes and goes and you get through it whether there is someone there or not, but without someone to appreciate the good stuff it gets very lonely. If you have aman who is willing to be there then encourage and appreciate it because believe me bad upbringing or not it will mean the world to your child. With the best respect what a new partner thinks means jack., Its what your baby thinks that counts and a father who loves him and takes joy in him, imperfect or not will always be the best thing you can give him, so i think you should step back give him a break and slowly as parents find your feet because i promise you faithfully you will make as many mistakes as he does and having someone who understands that will help. parenting is not about example its about common sense and everyone of us does it differently. Best of luck and i hope you have a beautiful healthy baby.

[ninah]

great post prettyfly and I agree

[aloha]

You are really getting ahead of yourself here. Why on earth are you worrying about potential new partners and what they might think? It's pointless.
Your ex sounds like a lovely man trying to his very best to overcome his own childhood and be a loving partner (still) to you and a great father to his child. My husband was dumped by his partner because he didn't earn enough money (proper job, nice house, respectable but not a millionaire) but he is and always has been a fantastic father and his daughter (my wonderful stepdaughter) would have missed out so much if she had not had him in her life. It is true that it is rare to find anyone who loves a child as much as a parent, or who finds them so interesting. It is to be cherished. Please just let him have the right to be his child's father. As for the future...well, that's not anything you can plan for. But believe me, if my husband had not put his daughter first he isn't the kind of man I would want to marry. The relationship between a child and its parents is much more important than that of the parent and a new partner IMO.
But I think a lot of what you are experiencing is a sort of shock at being pregnant. When you have the baby everything will be different. And congratulations on the pregnancy. Having children is wonderful.

[aloha]

BTW no reason not to go to antenatal classes, together or separately. There are so many unconventional families nowadays.

[Caligula]

Why don't you sit down with him and discuss your worries honestly? Why don't you ask him what he sees his role as being, and what his ideas of parenting are? You could suggest that he reads a couple of parenting books as well.

One thing made me feel slightly uneasy, which was the mention of the hole in the floor, dogs with behavioural problems etc. I do hope you won't have to send your very young child to an environment where s/he is unsafe. But if you can sit down now, while you're still friends, and discuss some bottom line issues for both of you, which you can agree to stick to, it might help. (So for example, having a safe environment, would for me, be a non-negotiable. For him, it might be that he gets to see child x number of times a week or something. And obviously, in the early years it is slightly different - if you're breastfeeding it's not possible for him to take your child off alone, whereas when your child is older, it is.)

I would never discourage a man from seeking counselling by the way - if he feels counselling may help him, please support him to do that - most men have to be pulled kicking and screaming towards a counselling session and it may not have been of any practical help to you, but it's not likely to be of any direct harm to him, is it?

He should only be at the birth if you want him there and feel he would be an emotional support for you. Sorry, but the birth's all about you and the baby. But if you feel happy with him being there, why not?

[aloha]

I've been thinking about the 'what if I meet a man" question. I suspect that when your child is born you will realise you love him so much than any man who doesn't understand that your child's needs come first won't seem nearly as attractive as you might think now. Mothers kick men into touch all the time for just this reason. Any man who sulks about the time your child spends with his or her father, or who issues ultimatums or resents your child will not be the person for you.

[Blu]

Mandwah?

I agree with Aloha re NCT and other ante-natal groups - there are all sorts of combinations of birth partners - here in London, anyway.

Also, the whole point of those groups is to supoprt YOU in what you are preparing for, so don't worry about anyone else's agenda.