PLEASE HELP!! 5 yr old daughter distraught when left at school

[rosiegee]

Hi all

I'm having a really tough time with my daughter, who's just started Year 1.

Every morning she has to be pulled off me, screaming "Mummy, mummy" and I leave the class holding back the tears.

Over the weekend she cried a few times, saying that she didn't want to go to school and missed me, and some days she's been upset when she's woken up. Mostly though, it's the moment of parting when she really gets distraught. She says she just misses me and really wants to be with me.

The teacher says that she's always fine just after I leave, but my daughter tells me that she was "Upset until lunchtime" or that she sat in the book corner on her own while everyone else did handwriting because she felt too sad to join in.

She also told me that one day the TA was comforting her and the teacher needed the TA to go elsewhere and said "Just leave her", (which the TA did) which I don't like the sound of.

She's also been upset a couple of times when I've picked her up at the end of the day, which also makes me doubt their assurances that she's fine.

My husband and I went in to speak to her teacher on Monday morning and we asked if the TA could take her off us in the morning, and check in with her a couple of times during the morning, something our daughter said would make her feel better about going in. The teacher said that would be fine.

However, on Tuesday and Weds morning, the teacher herself marched over before the assistant had a chance to get to us and whisked my very upset daughter away. This morning, my daughter grabbed my hand in an attempt to stop me from leaving, and the teacher sternly told me to "Let go of her hand". The teacher is in her 50's and has been teaching for years, and I get the feeling that she has "seen it all before" and thinks that we're mollycoddling her.

I feel that a more gentle approach would work better for our daughter and have never been precious about her - she's had clingy phases but has mostly been a happy conident little thing, so it's very upsetting to see her like this.

I have a 9 month old daughter as well, who I am at home with, so there may be some jealousy there, but that doesn't seem to come up when she's talking about why's she upset.

I think a big part of the problem may be that she doesn't have any one in her class that she particularly "clicks" with yet, as her school has a system of rearranging the classes from Reception into Year 1 (there are 4 classes of 30 in each year, so it's a big school) which has meant that she is in a class with only 4/5 people from her reception class last year, none of which are her close friends. Does anyone else have this type of system in place in their children's school? It seems uneccesarily unsettling to me.

I also feel letdown by the teacher, as she seems to have totally disregarded our requests.

I'm going to go and see her teacher tomorrow afternoon and would really, really appreciate any comments / advice on how best to broach this with her. Sorry it's so long!!

[wishingchair]

Rosiegee - my daughter, age 6, was always really confident. Would always just get involved and get stuck in without a backwards glance, however last year (Yr1) it was like she suddenly became self-conscious. Went to watch the final 'show' after a half-term HSM workshop and she was fine, then realised everyone was watching and freaked out. They put her in a nurture group to help build her confidence. Other parents of children also in the group are amazed because the child they see at home (i.e. in comfort zone) is completely different to the one the teachers see. So no answers really but don't think it's uncommon. With regard to the party, it's a difficult one as she's unlikely to join in if you're there watching. Agree a deal of stay at the beginning, pop to shop for half an hour, then back before end?

I have made a breakthrough re: tearful drop-offs. Talked to her last night about it and she said "I was fine, I cried saying goodbye but then kept myself busy so I didn't get upset again". I said "that's great but do you know what I did after I left you ... I cried". She looked shocked and asked why and I explained that it is incredibly upsetting for me to leave her when she is so upset. Long silence as she processed this. I then said how about a sticker chart. Immediately she asked what the reward is (bloody kids). I said something she really wanted, subject to suitability and expense. She said rollerskates. Deal done. No tears this morning. We'll see if it continues. If so, I am a bit at how easily manipulated they (and we?!) are.

[rosiegee]

Thanks everybody for all your kind words. Sorry to hear that so many of you are also going through this tough time.....

Things have improved for us a bit, as my daughter is no longer seemingly upset outside of school hours, BUT we are still having distressing departures every morning, and I have had to promise to pick her up myself after school EVERY day (last year she often went to clubs / to play at friend's after school). I'm happy to do this for the time being but I think I am going to have to be a bit harder about it as time goes on as I'm planning to go back to work soonish so she needs to get used to other friends / family picking her up sometimes....

I went to spoke to her teacher, who said that she does generally recover really quickly after I leave in the morning, but the TA said that she often traises around after her for most of the morning, which I think they're trying to discourage, as it's preventing her from working in ability-appropriate groups for reading etc......

Just wish I knew what was making her feel so anxious / insecure! She's totally confident - over confident even! - when in her comfort zone with close friends and family, but any unfamiliar situation makes her v clingy. One of her new classmates has invited her to a disco themed party this weekend and I know she's a) Not going to let me leave and b) Going to try and sit on my lap for the duration?

What to do?!!

[happypiglet]

My DS1 has found Yr1 a struggle too. And as in OPs case they mixed up the classes from Reception (there are 2 classes of 30 per year) and although he has a few 'best friends' in with him he is unsettled by a lot of new faces. I really don't understand the logic at all.......
His teacher seems quite cold (although I am told effective) which is in direct contrast to a loving and warm EY environment.
He will go in but his behaviour at home has been dreadful which I put down to him being so unsettled.
I never really expected it either as he is normally well behaved and happy. Overnight he has tunred into a raving monster throwing things and hitting etc (at home not school!)
Just trying to give him loads of attention but its hard with DS2 having just started Reception and a DD who is 2 as well. Can you imagine 5pm in this house.....! We have all been in tears a few times since the start of tterm...... Lets just hope it settles down... if you ask me Yr1 is harder than them starting Reception

[MollieO]

How is everyone doing on this thread (or at least the ones with upset year 1s?). Ds has had a couple of good days followed by other days where he has started feigning illnesses . He has gone to school with the promise that I will pick him up early if he really is ill (he isn't).

I've tried talking through his day to find out if there is something particular that worries him but he isn't telling.

[Danceaway]

You poor thing, it sounds really distressing for both of you and I don't think you're being 'over' anxious at all; my dd went through the same thing in reception (same 'just want to be with you Mummy', tears, teacher said was happening during day too and even she wasn't sure dd should be at school - was young one). All was OK after the first half term and what made the differnce was the teacher encouraged a couple of really nice girls in her year to look after her; and during the half term break they and a couple of others came over for tea. Once they were established in her mind as 'real' friends they would look after her and both of us felt a lot better about the situation! She's since looked after both of them on occasions when they've felt homseick and they are all really caring girls. Agree change of class can be upsetting; tell DD you want to ask one or two of her new classmates to tea (if DD doesn't have any suggestions ask the teacher if she has noticed anyone who might fit the bill). Hope this helps. If you find the teacher unsympathetic perhaps have a word with the head about her attitude; they are meant to be taking care of your DD after all. Good luck.

[wishingchair]

roundabout - I'm sure they'll keep the novelty as long as the rewards are good enough!

She does always find each new year hard. Am absolutely DREADING next year when she changes to the junior school

[roundabout1]

Katie star - I know what you mean, at my dd's school in reception the parents stopped going in with the lo's last week. My dd was in tears every morning but has been much better since no parents go in. She found it too noisy & busy trying to get to her peg etc when all the grown ups were squashed into a small space.

Wishing chair - Hope your dd settles down soon, think my dd is going to be one of those who finds each new yr hard. Bribery & sticker charts are working well with us - lets hope they keep their novelty in years to come!

[katiestar]

At our reception the parents goin and help with filling water bottles etc, but it bugs the life out of me.DD is quite independent enough to go in on her own (which I think is something to be encouraged) but often can't get past the huddle of parent's noisily chatting blocking up the doorway/cloakroom yapping.And then there are the ones who won't push off even after the bell has rung.

[wishingchair]

This could be my DD. She's just started Yr2 but has always been one of the clingy ones. It has been very difficult though in Yr2 ... she loved her Yr1 teacher and her new one isn't quite as warm and gentle. After a hideous morning where I pretty much dragged her in and handed her to the teacher, I am going to resort to old-fashioned bribery via sticker chart and much coveted gift at end. It is just the moment of separation ... like at that moment, she remembers all the bad bits about hte day before (usually friendship squabbles) and just doesn't want to go in. Today though, she started working herself into a state half way to school

[roundabout1]

Summersoon - I like the idea of a little something of mummy's to take inwith them. My dd has just started reception & had a really hard time settling in the first two weeks. We had got the pocketful of kisses book (recommended on a MN thread) about an animal who gets worried at school and his mum send him to school with a pocketful of kisses. I said to my dd we could do this but was told that magic isn't real so it wouldn't work. Settled instead for a special tissue in her pocket with my perfume on it. She said when she was sad she got the tissue out & sniffed it & it helped. Doesn't need it anymore apparently but seemed to help a bit on the hard days.

[Summersoon]

Hello Rosiegee, Lady and Molly,

I am sorry to hear of your troubles. These things will pass but it is very tough while it is going on!

I never tried this particular remedy but somebody suggested it on another MN thread and I thought that it sounded quite promising: give them a very small-something (e.g. a friendship bracelet, a little teddy-bear or similar to stick on their back-pack or pencil case) as a little "piece of you" that they take to school with you. Tell them that of course you can't come in with them but this bracelet/bear/whatever is there to come in with them instead. Don't know whether this would help (has anyone tried doing this?) but it sounded quite good to me!

Good luck - I hope that things will get better for you very soon!

[mrz]

Could someone else take your daughter to school for you? I have found that children who appear distraught leaving mum happily leave an aunt or grandmother.
I had a little girl in my class who was just like your daughter and her mum really worried, one day I went into the corridor with her and after a couple of minutes told her to look and there was her daughter happy and smiling with her friends. It made it easier for her to leave knowing her daughter wasn't sobbing all day as she had thought.

[m1nky]

I'm a teacher and I understand the worries that parents have when they leave their children in the classroom when they are upset. I have seen both sides of the story.

The teacher should be understanding of your needs as a parent and should follow your requests, although I can understand why they haven't done that. It's difficult having 30 children and its difficult knowing what to do for the better. They just want the child to get into the school and to enjoy their day there. I know some teachers are scary though, children don't like them. The way I look at it, most children will get on with a teacher, but some, for whatever reason, don't necessarily bond. You've gotta remember there are however many people in that room, not everyone will get along.

I'd keep an eye on the situation, but from the sounds of it, you're daughter is starting to enjoy it a bit more. Maybe if the problem carries on you could talk to the teacher and request that you know what is going on during the week before the week starts. You knowing whats going on will mean that you can help your daughter prepare more for that week. Only a suggestion tho I know it worked for me at school.

[fortyplus]

Well that's what I think is best but when you read some of these they are going in to help with coats, fill water bottles etc.

[backtoworkthistime]

fortyplus~ I was surprised by your post ~ we don't go in the classrooms at any time,we don't read with the children in school,we do it at home.
Also even in reception the children are only taken to the door ~ and from age 4 to 5 [the upper reception] they must walk in the long way round alone.
They start school the term before they are 4 here.

[Heated]

DS had a few collywobble moments in reception and was a lot better when he chose to leave me at the gate, rather than me leaving him inside school. I always say, "You know where I'll be, waiting for you?" and he points. He likes the idea that I stand there all day waiting for him!

And actually what made it so much easier - but appreciate not everyone has this option -is having someone else drop them off in the morning! Once he was with his childminder on the days I work, he had no wobbles at all.

[fortyplus]

rosiegee 'Do you think it's fair enough to ask the teacher to lay off the yanking' [shock' That sounds terrible! To be honest I wonder if the best solution is for the school to keep parents out of the classroom when dropping off in the morning. At my sons' primary school we didn't read in class with our own children for the first half term of yrs R and 1 either. Gave them time to settle in to the school environment without worrying about mum (or dad) walking away and leaving them.

[Elk]

Tactics that worked for my over-sensitive/neurotic dd1 are:

Nursery/reception - important job, she was pot plant waterer, I think the plant had to be cahnged frequently as she killed it through over watering.

Year 1 - I dropped her at the front door of the school and she went and found the TA, who gave her a sticker for'leaving mummy with a smile' She did this every day for a month and then was given a certificate to celebrate 'Coming to School with a Smile'.

Year 2 - goes off quite happily once I have waved goodbye at the window. (Just as well as dd2 is normally pulling my arm out of its socket in her eagerness to get to nursery)

[bruffin]

When DS was reluctant/tearful in YR1, he could go in slightly earlier with "an important job to do" which was sharpening pencils. YR1 is a bit of shock for them because they go from mostly playing to a more formal setting.

[rosiegee]

I'm really sorry to hear that your little boys are struggling too, Lady and Mollie

Why be a Reception / Yr 1 teacher if you are not sensitive to the needs of little ones? Thanks God for TAs eh? My daughter only has her in the morning though - are your children's there all day?

Stealth, we have already gone down the bribery route - cold hard cash is promised if a tearless departure happens, to be spent on Brighton Pier at the weekend....doesn't seem to be having that much effect so far though.....

[stealthsquiggle]

By Y1 I would be inclined to go the bribery star chart route - it worked a charm for several of DS's class.

[LadyOfTheFlowers]

Have not read all posts yet, but in response to OP, DS is convinced his reception teacher 'doesn't like him'.

Luckily, 3 days out of 5, the TA is the lady who used to be his keyworker in pre-school who he adores, but sometimes she is busy with other children or in the other classroom.

DS is the youngest again, as he was in pre-school and is not terribly confident - he tends to hang back on the sidelines for a bit before gently joining in with any play - watching this breaks my heart alone.

His teacher is very 'hard faced' I would say. Kids seem a bother to her though she has 2 of her own of a similar age.
A couple of mornings DS has been upset and she is very 'Come along now' and has dragged him away crying.

He was badly hurt at the end of week 2 and the TA and myself who were trying to comfort him at pick up time (it happened just before 3pm) were made to look and feel like overreacting idiots.

He has since said a few things to me I don't like the sound of and I will give it a few more weeks and if it doesn't stop I will be having words I think.

These children are only 4 for heavens sake - upset has to be expected.
Hope you manage to sort it soon. Although DS is not as upset as your DD, I think I know how you are feeling.

[MollieO]

Not that it is any consolation I'm having similar trouble with ds in year 1. I ran out of the classroom the day before yesterday as he was pinned to the floor by both his old reception teacher and the year 1 TA. Very very unhappy little boy and has been behaving appallingly (two visits to the head and we've only been back two weeks). Usually very happy and model pupil so this has been hard.

I think it is quite a change from reception to year 1 and it just takes time to adjust. I'm counting the days until half term and giving lots of praise on the (occasional) day he doesn't cry.

As far as friends goes, ds has none and never plays with anyone. He said the same in reception but then was happy to go to school. I asked his year 1 teacher and she said that there are no particular friendship groups (which I know isn't actually true).

I figure it is just a question of getting through the next few weeks and hoping that it settles down.

[rosiegee]

Ah thanks labyrinthine

It's good to hear a success story, and you've strengthened my resolve to tell the teacher I don't want anymore dragging or yanking.

Wish me luck!

[labyrinthine]

He was very devoted and close to me then,and still is ~he says about that time, "I just didn't want to leave mummy and it was so much more fun at home".