What do you say to the Year 1 child who cries and doesn't want to go school?

[emkana]

No specific problem, but dd2 was told off for misbehaviour last week and since then she's been crying in the morning and doesn't want to go. Denies that it's to do with being told off. Says she doesn't want to be without Mummy and the work is too hard.

[PoorOldEnid]

great post cory

[SmugColditz]

It is always a choice, and quite often school is the best option. Regardless of what the child thinks. 5 year olds are not in possession of the facts.

YOu felt able to provide a better wnvironment than school - I'm glad for you. My children my be better off in your home all day with you too. But they aren't better off here with me. Many people can't, and to layer on the guilt because they can't do something for their child that you can is cruel and unnecessary.

It is a choice, but to imply the reasons for choosing school are always selfish is deeply unfair.

[MrPinkerton]

I've told ds 'Because it's the law!' Well educating him is, isn't it? Sometimes he has to just do stuff even if it's a challenge and he'd rather stay with me and play - though I work at home so that won't happen. Home ed isn't an option for most of us, regardless of your work/sah status.

I'm sympathetic when he says he doesn't want to go (In 'How to Talk to Kids...' fashion) and making sure I develop a good relationship with ds's Reception teachers so that I can keep a close eye on how he's settling in - better this week as it happens.

I would have a word with the teacher. Some can be a bit too sharp with the little ones I think and forget what it's like to be so small.

[singersgirl]

It is always a choice, but it might not always be a good choice. I'm glad it's a good choice for you. But to imply that the reasons for not choosing to HE are always trivial and materialistic is just wrong.

The OP has very valid reasons why she doesn't want to HE. I have nothing against HE, and have considered it myself, but my children don't want to do it. They like school.

[Pushpinia]

I'd struggle tbh because this was me aged 8 or 9 or 7 or whatever. I was SO scared and upset and I did eventually stop crying at school but every day felt like a prison sentence. Ds actually didn't mind school while he was going but there's no way I could make my child go if they were crying every day.

Sorry not much help

I'm sorry you're going through this

[MrPinkerton]

I hated school too Pushpinia but if my mum had tried to educate me I'd have ended up a total loon.

[Pushpinia]

Oh I ended up a loon and my Mum had no hand in it

[onwardandupward]

Just to clarify -

I don't think HE is the right choice for every family either, and of course the materialistic thing is too simplistic (but I didn't want to write an essay). Apart from everything else, universal HE would be hiuge disservice to those thousands of children who adore and thrive in school.

But I do think that lying to our children about it being the law that you have to go to school has the potential to blow up in our parental faces later, because it simply isn't the law (oh, and it blows up in Home Educators' faces every day when we are faced with people who say "but you can't do that, it's the LAW that you have to go to school" because that's what they were told as children!)

More honest to say "well, you have to go to school because I can't educate you myself because..." (and there would be at least 157 valid answers to have in those dots )

or even "You have to go to school because I say so" which has the double merits of brevity and honesty, even if it does have the disadvantage that any of us saying it realise in a horrid moment that we are in factc turning into our mothers .

[SmugColditz]

[missyhissey]

Good post onwardandupward

[singersgirl]

Thank you for that post, O&U. That sounds a lot more friendly .

[Bramshott]

For DD1, who's also in Yr 1, and tbh is happy to go most of the time, I usually go with:
"oh but XXXX (insert name of fave friend of the moment) will be so sad if you don't go"
"oh that's a shame, if you don't go you'll miss out on XXXX (something I know she wants to do)"
or recently I have tried to introduce gently the idea that school is important because learning is important and she needs to go so that she'll learn to read and write which will enable her to do a lot of things.

[Bramshott]

And of course the old chestnut "well mummies and daddies have to go to work, little children have to go to nursery/childminder and big children have to go to school, that's just the way it is - quite often I don't feel like going to work either, but it's fine once I'm there". I often use this tack with DD1 because I'm sure her relectance is nothing to do with school per se, but to do with not wanting to get up and get going in the morning!

[ditheringdora]

If you are satisfied that there is no problem at school, then refuse to get drawn into the debate. "I know you're upset and we'll talk about this when you come home from school, now go and put on your shoes"

Can't believe some parents would go down the "well I could home educate you route" not that there's anything wrong with this but choosing it as a default option is devaluing it!

[cory]

Onward, I for one never said I told them it is the law. But it was something they had to do at the time.

Since I cannot drive, we have no car and there are no other home educators nearby, dd would have ended up isolated and with very little contact with her peers. Even more so after it turned out that she has a disability which makes travel on public transport very straining for her.

Also, English is not my first language, so I would hardly be the best person to be in charge of her education.

Also, we needed my (small) income.

And there is nowhere we could move to that would be cheaper than where we live.

So it was hardly a lie to say that she needed to go to school.

Besides, the crying lasted 5 minutes- and then she was happy during the rest of the day, told me excitedly about it at the end of the day, made friends most of whom she is still in touch with, loved the games in the playground etc.

[cory]

Might add that when things got really rough with dd's disability, I did mention to her that she did have a legal right to be home educated. She was horrified at the thought.

She pointed out:
that she would hate spending the whole day with me, much as she loves me
that the combination of her medical condition and my non-driving meant that I could not offer her the varied experience that she needs
that she wanted friends that she could meet every day, not just on the occasional HE camp
that frankly she would rather have her maths and science explained by a trained teacher than by a medieval historian

All valid points IMO. I am sure that HE is fine when it works, but every family has its own situation to deal with.

[ditheringdora]

I work a bit with "school refusers" and providing there are no underlying issues,(and sometimes when there are) our psychologists recommend the approach I've given above. Be calm, consistent and refuse to engage with the argument.
My own experience tells me that children can pick up on Mum's anxiety about the issue, don't talk about school 24/7, waffle on about teachers, subjects etc.
Is there someone else who can drop your lo to school so you won't feel it so keenly when she cries? Someone she won't argue with, can work to get her over the initial bit.

If this persists, your local Educational Welfare Office will be able to offer further advice.
Let us know how it goes. Don't feel bad, it is the law if you're not going to Home Educate and it would seem to be the best option for you and your dd. Chin up chuck!

[LynetteScavo]

ditheringdora there is a big difference between "school refusing" and a child crying in the morning because they don't want to go to school.

The "now put on your shoes" is not going to work with a real school refuser.

My first ever post on Mumsnet was when I was desperate because DS was scohol refusing.

Anyone who has a child who is reluctant to go into school has my upmost sympathies

emakana - is your DD still as upset? Bramshott offers some good advice, I think for the level of relucatance your DD is showing.

Wishing you evry luck for the morning

[ditheringdora]

I am aware of the difference Lynette as I've said I work with children who have "school phobia" and other issues with regard to refusing to go to school. I also have to work with children who are trying it on for any number of reasons.

Actually, the approach I've mentioned has worked with young children in primary school and as I've said is recommended by our psychologists. Parents need a lot of support as they feel they are being cruel, uncaring by doing the broken record technique and are so relieved when told that the child settles within minutes of the parents leaving the child. It frequently has nothing to do with school at all, more likely domestic issues, separation, bereavement, illness etc.
By allowing your child not to go to school on an ongoing basis, you're saying that home is a refuge (true) and perhaps the only place a child can feel secure (false)

My experience tells me that being calm, getting support from family or neighbours regarding dropping off at school, keeping in touch with the school can really turn things around

[cory]

Ditheringdora has a good point: in cases where school refusal is not primarily to do with problems at the school, you are not helping the child by letting them stay at home.

This was the case with my dd, who went through a patch of school phobia in Yrs4-5 (separate and much worse than the crying in infants I described above). I knew that her fear was not of the school per se, or of schooling; it was of having to get up and face the unknown when she was in a frail physical and emotional state. She showed the same fear of hospital appointments, physio clinics, drama classes, family excursions etc, though obviously this was less noticeable as those didn't happen every day.

If I had given in, I would have given her the message that the only safe place for her was in bed. I don't think she would be able to walk at all by now if I had. I didn't love myself when I was manhandling a crying 10yo into her wheelchair. But I have seen what has happened to some of the kids with similar conditions who were never made to conquer their fears. They are basically in very poor physical condition; I couldn't take the responsibility for that.

We did enlist medical help as well, from the rehabilitation team at the local hospital, and that was very much about teaching her how to keep fears under control. The situation itself we can't do much about- she will always have pain and mobility problems, but it's whether you let that dominate your life or not.

OF course ours is an unusual case, but if dd was not disabled, I think I would follow the same path: first try to establish the reason for the school phobia and try to sort out any problem you can (e.g. bullying obviously has to be dealt with). Then do the broken record if need be enlist the help of a psychologist.

But the very first thing is to establish if school phobia is actual present. Most children go through a phase of crying at the start of pre-school or reception; they're not all going to grow up into school phobics. A parent's first job IMO is not to make a mountain out of a molehill. Dd's first phase of crying was not a phobia, even though the second phase, 5 years later, possibly was.

[mrscraig]

Hi just thought I would add my two penneth worth. I posted about my Y1 dd last week - exactly same thing, lots of tears in the morning.
I had tried bribing, happy face charts, being cross, cajoling with no result.
Then last Friday when I picked her up I said to her that I had tried my best to make her stop crying and go in happily to school. I told her that I was'nt going to talk about it anymore and that she was the one who now had to make the choice about being happy or not. We talked about how much better it is to go in happily as it's better not to start the day upset. Basically I took the pressure off.
This week - no tears. Looking back I was definitely making a mountain out of a molehill. Backing off and leaving it to them would be my advice. Year One is a big step up from Reception and takes a lot of getting used to.
I feel for you though, it is heartbreaking. HTH.

[cory]

Well done you, mrscraig. I think you're onto something there. A lot of the time I suspect dc's pick up on our anxieties.

[mrscraig]

Thanks cory. Its such a relief. I know how better to handle it if it happens again.

[emkana]

Interesting discussion and advice, thank you!

Today dd2 for the first time this week didn't start crying as soon as she got up, she was fine right up until the bell went, when she cried a little bit, but then I saw that when she actually walked in she had already stopped. Am hoping that things will be even better tomorrow!