Bad school report - what to do?

[ocelot41]

DS (7) is struggling academically in a new school after a relocation. His school report made it clear that his behaviour has been disrepectful and disruptive. That's really not ok. What should I do?

[ocelot41]

Thanks for all the sympathy and help here guys. I really appreciate it. I have been feeling like I am failing as a parent

[SeekingSugar]

Oh bless his wee heart, sitting still and listening to instructions is so boring and HARD for a lot of children,

With the issues you describe and the move, he has a lot to cope with.

My son had similar problems if I got a lot of help from an OT. School not great at first but after a meeting with the principal things improved a great deal.

I put a lot of effort into helping him develop core strength (swimming, climbing, trampolining) as that helps them to sit still; we had finger strengthening exercises to help his writing, cool off strategies, brain food diets, audio books (as reading was hard for him), and really just a lot of trial, error and occasional success

He's extremely loving and will curl up with the cat for ages, and responds very well to route, physical exercise and hands on tasks (baking, washing up fixing, board games).

Now 9 and a different boy - steaming ahead academically, highly involved at school and in sport, plays 2 instruments and has lots of friends.
Best of all he has gained insight into his challenges and is able to identify his needs (I need quiet time, I need a hug).

Socially he can still be immature when under pressure (noisy restaurant, lots of guests) but so
much better than 2 yrs ago.

So keep doing what you're doing, remember there are lots of kids and parents struggling like you, and have faith that things can get a lot better.

[LondonLassInTheCountry]

You should of been made aware of the contents of the report if there is readon for concern. You need to have a meeting with the teachers (son not present) and have a talk with them about whats going wrong. The punishment they have in place (loss of break time for example)
And come up with a plan.

You need to have a frank chat with your don about how he is feeling and rrassire him that its ok to have feelings of sadness, frustration and anger but its not ok to take it out on other people.

[Starlight2345]

I took my DS into one of those shops that you press all the buttons and listen to samples we spent a Very long half hour while he picked it..He chose guitars and the sea I think but I figured it had to be relaxing for him not me.

[Wolfiefan]

I would want to contact school at the start of the year and make a plan. It's no good them giving a report at the end of the year with negatives in. You need daily or weekly contact. What's going well? What strategies are they using? Any negative incidents each day? You can't issue consequences now in the holidays for some incidences of behaviour weeks ago.
Don't panic! You can work with the school. Good luck.

[ocelot41]

Great tip Starlight - which ones do you use?

[Starlight2345]

Relaxation CD made a huge difference at nighttime.. I am doing what gets him to follow rules as much as possible, however I do feel like I may well be doing some strategies when I know what is going on and what CAHMS recommend ..

[ocelot41]

Also not listening, not following instructions here plus inability to be still, often angry and frustrated, esp during transitions. Poor impulse control and doesn't abide by boundaries. We were having big problems with sleeping but a weighted blanket is really helping with that.

[ocelot41]

Really nice to hear from you Starlight. I don't think we will hear back from Ed Psych until well into next term. So yes, no man's land! We are a couple of weeks into hols - one week in the Highlands (works really well as we walk every day) one week with my wonderful DSis whilst I moved house. Now we have so much more space I hope that will help. And we have just got a pet - he LOVES animals! So encouraging him to take responsibility that way. It's a weird place isn't it - no idea if just tuning out instructions he doesn't want to hear (which merits one approach) or a serious problems with attention/working memory (which would merit another)

[Starlight2345]

Just read through was going to suggest bevers/ cubs..My DS has been embraced there not made to conform. Group activities tend to be harder. IS he is swimming lessons? That is a good confidence builder but also solo so as long as he listens he will develop .

Do you know when you will hear from Ed psych? this is the key here really..The fact ed psych has got involved meas someone thinks something is not fitting not a naughty child.

You are in no mans land..I have been saying this for months because if my child is chosing not to behave ..Why? however my approach will be very different to if he has adhd. So the best I do is to reinforce the positive behaviours, What could you of done in situations that have gone wrong. there are consequnces for behaviour at home..As regardless of ADHD or not he needs to find a way to follow rules and I am doing him no favours not expecting him to.That said. I ensure he gets chance to burn off steam every day. I do walk him to school no matter what the weather as he does better that way but have to have realistic expectations..He isn't going to sit down and concentrate on an activity for an hour so no point expecting him too.

Some things become more apparent as they get older so the changing schools been youngest will also make him stand out. When my DS was in a 4/5 year it became more apparentas he was sat by year 5 children...However by the end of the year it had helped him improve his behaviour as he did see children acting much older although it never was equal to his peers... To be clear my DS behaviours is low level disruption, not listening, following instructions but will also play to the class for a laugh.

What are you struggling with at home..AS you are in Scotland I assume you are well into your school holidays.

[ocelot41]

The report did have lots of positives in it. But three sentences on paying respect to all teachers, listening to instructions on all occasions, not just when he is in the mood. Making good choices about who to sit next to etc. Given how upbeat reports usually are and how coded criticisms are, I would be a daft woman if so didn't take note!

[ocelot41]

I do all school drop offs, but have a student working as a childminder who does from 3.30-5 when DH gets home. I already work flexitime to pick up from a sports club on a Mon so I can't really do another. But I could maybe ask my childminder if she would mind having another child over to play once a week (and offer to pay her extra)? She is lovely and I don't think she would mind. She often takes him to the play park where there are other children, but we tend to do that on an as hoc basis depending on weather/how DS is feeling, and maybe he could do with more regular play dates?

[JeffreySadsacIsUnwell]

Beavers and a climbing club are good starts! Beavers at least has the uniform, 'belonging' thing, even if team sports are no-go.

I think, though, you are going to have to suck it up and invest more time in facilitating friendships - sorry, I know it's hard, especially if you work FT. Any chance you can get the odd day of flexitime, or TOIL? The problem is that at 7, they really are still so very reliant on you as their 'fixers', and presumably if you work FT, you haven't had a chance to make friends with other school parents yourself. Even if you could rearrange your hours so that you could pick up from school once a week for a few weeks (even if you go to the park or whatever for half an hour, then go home and do another couple of hours work), that may help you start to build those friendships.

I agree with Twisted about the negativity affecting self-esteem - it's another effect of that vicious circle. Is it worth speaking to the school again and acknowledging that they said no last time, but in view of the report, which confirms your experience that he is deeply unsettled and unhappy, would they reconsider the year group? Or would that be worse as he's done a year at that school now?

[Twistedpantsagain]

How negative was the report exactly? I would be questioning that if no positives have been given as being consistently negative ( the teacher - not you ) can knock self esteem causing kids to act up even more

[ocelot41]

I did ask about holding him back a year glee as he is right on the Feb boundary line, but school said no.

[ocelot41]

Sorry that should read play dates after school.

[ocelot41]

This is all really helpful - we haven't had many friends over to play as we both work ft. People seem to do their okay dates after school here and family time at weekend. It sounds like I need to do more to facilitate those friendships. I just thought those friendships would come naturally in time as DS was (previously) v outgoing. We are starting beavers and a climbing club in August/Sept which he loves - he already goes to judo which he seems to enjoy. But there is only really a couple of other kids he talks about as friends. Team sports are a dead loss as his attention span just isn't up to it...

[JeffreySadsacIsUnwell]

Also I think it is probably easier for them to make friends on a one to one basis than approaching a group. Certainly that's been the case for DS. Are you friends with any of the parents? Another boy may not initially be overwhelmed at the thought of a play date with your DS, but if you're friends with his parents and they ask you for a favour involving picking their DS up from school, he won't have much choice - and your DS will probably be a lot calmer and more confident and mature on his home ground. My DS has definitely made more progress in making friends in 2 hours one to one at home than in a fortnight in a school setting. DD, OTOH, is better at reading social group situations and good at creating conversations and games that include several children; she thrives on having several friends round at once or on spontaneous meet-ups. DS needs a bit more structure and parental input/help reading the other child's reactions so I plan things a bit more (though I accept he's a couple of years younger). Is there something like a Go Ape near you that you could offer to take him and a friend?

[gleegeek]

Forgive me if I'm wrong but if he's the youngest in the year and Scotland is more flexible with starting school age, are some of the children in the class nearly 2 years older. If that's the case, that's really tough. Not only has he moved school, he's moved countries. He'll sound very different to the rest of the class and is so much younger. No wonder he's struggling
Is there any chance of keeping back a year so he's the same age as the other children???
I was the English child in a Scottish school and I really found it tough...

[JeffreySadsacIsUnwell]

It sounds as though he is really unsettled and wanting attention to fit in. He just doesn't know how to get it

We also moved last year and changed schools; I also have a 7yo (late summerborn, youngest in Y3). However, she is very academic and outwardly very confident. She has not had a problem making friends - but despite being fine academically, having lots of friends and social invitations, and getting an excellent report, I still wouldn't say that she has fully settled. She still asks when we're 'going home'. I think moving house and school is actually a very big deal for them and I suspect even harder for a young for year boy than young for year girl (I have a DS too but he started in YR - still needed to be accepted by a group who had largely gone through pre-school together, but it is easier to do this in a new environment for everyone).

What have you done to help with friendships? Are there any activities your DS is particularly good at? You need to help him find something which will gain credibility with the other children - or even an activity outside school where he can make friends with other local children and then have the confidence to calm down a bit in school. The problem is that it's a bit of a vicious circle and he'll be feeling more and more desperate for attention - if he's not getting it for academic work, and he feels the school disapproves, he'll be trying to go for the quick option of laughs from the other boys, but it's backfiring.

Maybe send him on a circus skills workshop, or teach him magic tricks or something, if football or another sport isn't going to help impress. I'd try to go for a team sport activity first, I.e. Something that automatically includes him and gives him a sense of belonging (and a 'uniform' to prove it!!)

[BarbarianMum]

I guess football isn't his thing , my lads neither. What is his thing? You could also try cubs which involves learning a few skills indispersed by large amounts of mucking about.

[ocelot41]

Thanks Barbarian. It's on the list! We tried taking him to weekly football as that's where all the other boys hang out. But he just mucked about the whole time - turning somersaults, running off, lying on the floor in front of goal....It was counter productive because the other boys were (rightly) just getting annoyed with him. Honestly, it makes me feel so ashamed

[ocelot41]

Sorry Starlight, should have said - still waiting for Ed Psych feedback. She's going to do a series of obs in different settings

[BarbarianMum]

So as well as working with the school to fix the behaviour/ academic issues, I suggest you also work on strengthening and encouraging his frienships and making him feel secure amongst his peer group. It sounds like his self- esteem has taken a bit of a battering because of the move and the acting out probably stems from this. The happuer he is at school the more he'll want to behave well and work hard.

[ocelot41]

Just as a bit of background - we have moved from England to Scotland, so he is now the youngest in his year