reception DS very naughty at school... dont know what to do!

[teenytinypuppy]

DS started reception last September, he is an August child so one of the youngest in his class. He is an only child.

First term parents evening I was told he was not 'ready to learn' and was challenging and did not do as he was told. DS has always been pretty honest, he comes home and tells me he missed play and got told to keep his hands to himself etc. My family and I told him often that he must be good in school, tried to reiterate rules at home must be taken into the classroom.

Today, his teacher called me in to talk at the start of the day and told me he has not improved, he will not do as he is told and just says he does not want to. After school I had another chat with her and she said he'd not been good at all.

Some examples of things he has done are, ripped a book on a trip to the library (he claims it was an accident), dropping toy trains on his classmates, kicking children under the table at lunch.

He is not this badly behaved at home, he has his moments, but it is nowhere near as consistent as his teacher is saying it is at school.

His teacher has suggested we punish him at home for being naughty in school so there is consistency outside of the classroom. I'm due to discuss it with DSs father tomorrow morning and go in for another chat with his teacher.

Has anyone else experienced this? I am horrified that my son is the misbehaving one of his class and I would love some tips on how to make him understand.

[Goldmandra]

Well no to be honest because it doesn't take up my time.

Some of the best behaviour management strategies don't take up lots of time. In fact one of the best is catching a child's eye when you've seen them doing something you like and giving them a thumbs up.

[poppy70]

Well no to be honest because it doesn't take up my time. The BH strategies for some children eats into what is a manic day in reception. Sticker charts, feedback, explaining choice, behaviour, consequence, getting all sides of the story from an incidence I didn't see about whether it was accidental or purposeful. They require my management and can ultimately just eat into teaching time. Sometimes I feel guilty about just giving them 3 minutes with a dinosaur... I should be interacting with them or doing something. Whatever you do you could always do more.

[Goldmandra]

In fact my ASD are not on any type of behaviour management. They are rewarded with being able to spend extra time with or doing their favourite thing.

That isn't behaviour management?

[6031769]

my reception DS was being really badly behaved nearer the start of the autumn term, I felt mortified when the teacher told me at the first parents evening as although he's far from perfect at home he wasn't that bad.

They have a behaviour system at school where they get put on an orange light if abit naughty and a red light if still naughtly so I basically started a reward system at home where every day DS didn't go on a light at school he got a sticker and then when he got so many he got a pressie. It seemed to change his behaviour more or less overnight for the better. He is still not the perfectly well behaved child but don't think he will ever be that.

[poppy70]

Trust me your son sounds fine. Working with the teacher can only be positive. I have seen some stuff in my time in inner city schools. I have literally been in classrooms where the head turned round and said there is no talking to this child. I don't think a teacher should ask a parent to punish a child just for their support in reinforcing positive behaviour. Some parents bribe the kids with treats... I refuse to explicitly bribe the children in my class but it is the parents choice.

[poppy70]

It is the policy of special schools to not punish or sanction children in any way. I have worked in them and I don't. In fact my ASD are not on any type of behaviour management. They are rewarded with being able to spend extra time with or doing their favourite thing. It is never taken away though. Stamp out is an adult phrase, I am not running a boot camp. Of course explanations are given, the know the reasons for every rule in the class, they came up with them. And nursery I am afraid is nothing like reception. Their developmental stage is shifting. They have boundaries and they are firm. There are so many strategies behaviour charts, stickers, notes home on the great days, victims of hitting or whatever using their voice to explain how it made them feel, social stories, social interventions groups, playtime intervention groups. I have them comming out my ears. Like I said whatever works.

[Goldmandra]

poppy, you seem to be confusing positive behaviour management with accepting negative behaviour. In my experience, it is entirely possible to manage a pre-school group by focussing on the positives and using natural consequences, expressing disappointment and helping the child understand the effect their behaviour has on others. Aside from the ratios, it can't be that different in reception.

Children with ASD often need different behaviour management styles again as they don't always link behaviour with consequences but, in general, positive works better than negative.

Stamping on any sort of behaviour sounds a bit extreme TBF.

I think the teacher in the OP is quite right to raise this issue with the parent but in order to help identify the reasons behind the behaviour, to make sure they are giving the child positive messages about his behaviour in school and maybe to arrange a method of reinforcing the positive through reports home and consequent praise or rewards.

Imposing punishments at home for unacceptable behaviour in school smacks of a teacher who is not capable of managing the classroom.

[poppy70]

And to be honest the child isn't the worst. The only naughty thing seems to be the ripping of the book - which is disrespecting property. The rest is just the reality of reception. It isn't easy for some, their parents or their teachers.

[poppy70]

I never said there should be punishments. Whatever works for you and your child.

[poppy70]

I am not their parent. What is appropriate at school is not appropiate at home. Lits of them just vwant to make mummy proud, so as the ultimate reward I write a note to Mum. The children in the classroom should know the expectation. It is just continuously work on the reminders, consequences, doing what you will say you will do. It is a long journey in reception.

[lljkk]

And sorry if I wasn't clear. I meant what punishments should OP impose at home to comply with the teacher request.

[lljkk]

So at home OP should ban her child from some kind of play time using a traffic light system (?) And who is the HT type figure for child to see at home (Grandpa?)

[poppy70]

I just said. We have a traffic light system. When they get to red they loose a bit of play and do some tidying in the class. If its extreme they see the head.

[lljkk]

What punishments do you think would be effective, Pengyquin+Ridingthestorm+poppy70? How do you "stamp on it"?

OP listed:

not doing as he's told
ripped a book on a trip to the library (he claims it was an accident),
dropping toy trains on his classmates,
kicking children under the table at lunch.

Exactly What should OP do to punish her child for each of those?

[poppy70]

I have reception? Do they get loads of positive praise? Yes. Are there sanctions? Yes. In extreme situations do they have a small part of play taken away, for hitting, bitting, kicking? Yes, because they are being socialised, they also have to talk to their victim about how it made thrm feel. Am I sometimes, when pushed, a ratty teacher? Yes. I tell all parents when their child has hit, bite whatever another because I don't want them to hear it from another parent. .. because they will. If have a concern I talk to the parents about bring supportive with my strategy, intervention. How they do this is totally up to them. I have not behaviour managed children with rewards or otherwise because I have figured it isn't working ie those with Autism. They are all different. Sometimes they loose it, sometimes so do I but we keep on going. I refuse to accept negative behaviour though and however it is done I work to stamp it. Different tactics work for different children.

[couldhavebeenme]

We've had issues with child starting school this year, believe mainly down to tiredness and finding the amount of stuff planned during the day for them so overwhelming (lack of downtime). We have a reward chart which is the same as that used at school (very simple happy/sad face) and a certain number of happy faces equals a treat which is chosen by her in advance. Working with the teacher/TA has helped as they have been supportive and behaviour has improved. Overall though I think the children are very young and do not necessarily understand how to express themselves appropriately when tired/stressed.

[Goldmandra]

It's about consistency for the child.

Yes. Absolutely. Consistency in reinforcing the behaviour you want to see by praising him when it happens.

Home and school can work in partnership very effectively to do this.

[Pengyquin]

I behaved at school because I knew my parents wouldn't tolerate poor behaviour - at all.

Sorry, but I agree with riding

It's about consistency for the child.

Just out of interest, OP did your child attend nursery prior to school? Those children who have been at nursery since they were toddlers do cope better with reception, as it's familiar to them (don't get overwhelmed etc, used to authority/doing as they're told)

I haven't read all of the replies, and don't feel I know enough to comment on whether the teacher is any good or not (!) but kicking children under the table?! By 4 all children should know that this is not ok. Whether they are at home, or school.

Also, what is his diet like? And his sleep? Basic things like this can make a huge difference at this age.

[Goldmandra]

By punishing at home for misdemeanours at school tells the child that 'mummy and daddy are not accepting bad behaviour and it is a reflection on the family unit as a whole'.

Wrong!

Any teacher whose first port of call is punishment and second step is to try to get others to impose punishments on her behalf needs some training.

I completely agree that parents should back up the school but by punishing him further at home, you would just be compounding the problems he's having at school by building resentment.

The first thing the teacher should be doing is looking for a reason behind the behaviour. Your DS is communicating something and she needs to work out what it is.

After looking for ways to remove the triggers to his behaviour, she should be finding positives to praise and reward, although I'm not sure extrinsic rewards are ever a great idea in such a young child.

Then, and only then, it would be appropriate for her to approach you and ask you to back up her behaviour management by offering him rewards or praise for good behaviour in school.

[Nerf]

Swan that was bloody rude. There's nothing controversial in riding's post and she/he took the time to try to offer advice.
We had this in Year 1 and school did playtime stickers and we rewarded at the end of the week.

[Viviennemary]

I think I might think about a different school. In the grand scheme of things he's not exactly out of control. Of course he shouldn't be doing the things he's doing like ripping up a library book. That seems like he did it to get a reaction. Sounds like the teacher hasn't got much experience in dealing with children that don't behave according to her expectations. He is only four after all.

[Ridingthestorm]

Oh and 'going until the weekend'??? Did you read my post? A STICKER is actually a reward to may and getting thesew daily is not amounting to 'waiting until the weekend'.
Me having a 'non-statutory aged child' doesn't even come into this. Afterall, MY child maybe be of 'non-statutory age' but he is YOUNGER than reception.

[Ridingthestorm]

Maybe not, but I ma a teacher with years experience, experience that I know WORKS!

If I was 'talking rubbish' then these strategies that I put in place as well as other parents put in place, wouldn't work; but they do. Hardly rubbish are they?

Like I said, my views are controversial to many. But there isno one right way of doing anything and to rubbish someone else's suggestion becuase you don't like it, or it didn't work for you, shows how marrow minded you can be.

[Swanhildapirouetting]

OP I think that Ridingthestorm is talking rubbish. Treats at the weekend are far too long time a reward for any child.

She doesn't have a school age child for a start.

Icarus and CharlesRyder are spot on. A Reception (Nursery nurse trained) TA of many years experience once said to me that No child should ever be expected to sit still for more than 15 minutes during carpet time for example. You are following through. He doesn't need to be punished at home. The teacher is clearly baffled by small children who are still at the foundation stage. I think involving him and accepting that he is still very young to be "learning" formal stuff would help him settle down. Maybe his motor skills are not very advanced which makes all the concentrating cutting and writing or colouring quite exhausting for him. Perhaps he finds it difficult to hear - glue ear for example?

If a child is finding Reception overwhelming they certainly do not need their playtime taken away - they probably need to play more than ever. I think you should find out exactly what he is doing in class and what is triggering off his reactions to other children. Is he bored? Is he restless? Is he alarmed by something or worried by something? Is he tired out? Does he have any friends you can invite over so he associates school with playmates and friendship?

[Ridingthestorm]

If my DS is rude and disrespectful at nursery (mainly to grandma as she struggles to control him and he knows she does!!!!) I take away the opportunity to watch fireman Sam, or no sweets/chocolate and sometimes no story at bedtime. What is working for us is telling him he isn't allowed a bath ('odd' child loves his baths!!!). I would never 'ground' him or physically discipline him but removal of a favourite things for that evening works for our child. A simple 'good boy' sticker chart at home for if he has been a good boy at school and he gets a treat at the weekend. Start off small (he has to be good for one day then as weeks go by, increase the challenge by a day to eventually three or four days.Never do 'five' days because if he has a bad monday, he will soon learn that he can't 'make it up' during the rest of the week and may misbehave more than ever.