To ask the school not to insist my child eats all of her lunch?

[ZZorro]

I really want to ask the school to not ask my dd to eat all of her lunch once she has decided she has eaten enough, I feel she can judge herself when she has eaten enough, there are lots of issues surrounding why we shouldn't eat once we're full, I'm just not sure about how the school will view this. AIBU to be reluctant about writing to the school with my views. i think it's about time schools realised it creates obesity in adulthood

[Rainydayblues]

I don't agree with forcing dcs to eat.
My dcs eat packed lunch and some days they are hungrier than others - that's pretty normal behaviour IMO. I'm happy for them to leave some. In the past the dinner time staff even hassled them to finish the cake I had provided...I had a word but I was told that one child in the school had been avoiding his food all year and their parents were very annoyed - which meant all children had to be hassled so that child didn't feel got at!! I wish schools would just get to the point and deal with the child with the issue instead of making all the kids suffer - I've seen this approach too many times this year.

[teacherwith2kids]

flederlaus - some children do self-regulate. Others simply become outrageously grumpy or sleepy or angry and have no concentration span, but even when reminded don't make the connection between that and eating. Hence I take real care with the eating of 2 of my 32-strong class (with the agreement of their parents), but not the other 30.

[Thumbwitch]

I don't agree with forcing children to finish their meals if they're full or hate it. I remember being left in the dinner hall by myself with a bowl of semolina - the dinner ladies wouldn't let me leave until I'd eaten it but if I had eaten it chances are I would have been sick because of the textural issues I had. I missed all of lunch hour playtime but I didn't eat it.

[nooka]

The only food related issue we had with our children at primary was when ds opted for school dinners and they were much too small (plus ran out of things for later classes, sometimes to the point of being really inadequate).

I had horrible dinner ladies at school and pretty horrible dinners too. We were supposed to eat everything up, and one time I remember someone threw half a sausage away and a dinner lady holding it up on a fork and demanding a confession (very Catholic school so this was a serious issue). At home we were supposed to clear our plates too, as my mother had a hatred of waste. None of us has grown up fat however or with food issues (except that I too hate waste).

I think that it is fairly unlikely that the main reason for the current obesity issue is the 'don't waste food' post war mentality but much more to do with increased availability of poor quality food, much larger portion sizes and lower activity levels.

[tchambers108]

Really interesting and lots of great advice! I hope my son's school treat him like a decent human being!

I definitely think a gentle reminder to eat up is fine and if they don't then let it go! The child will be hungry later and learn to eat more next time if that is what's needed (an important lesson to learn!). Or they will have a healthy snack/ finish lunch later at home. Eating when hungry is surely the most healthy thing!

As a teacher, I would let my 7 year olds sometimes have a piece of fruit mid afternoon if they seemed to be flagging - sometimes it was because they hadn't eaten enough at lunch (so I'd remind them to maybe eat more next time) but sometimes even the ones who had eaten everything on their plate were hungry again! Appetites vary day to day!

Good luck to you, definitely contact school - it's their job to treat your child as an individual and you are asking them to do something which actually makes the MDS's life easier. A note in lunchbox would help so every MDS would see it and a note to teacher too.

[fledermaus]

Isn't that just as important for children to learn to self-regulate though teacher - if I don't eat now I will be hungry later.

[Xihha]

DS has food issues so has a note in his lunch box saying they are not to make him eat all his lunch (he tends to throw up if forced to eat anyway). He's had a note since reception and hes year 5 now, he's never come home complaining he was hungry. His school do leave his leftovers in the lunchbox so I can see how much he's left though and he knows he'll get no sympathy if hes gone hungry to go out to play.

[teacherwith2kids]

I do think that Cheery has a point.

'Having had enough to eat' is a perfectly reasonable point to stop eating BUT the usual reason for primary children not finishing their food is 'Wanting to go out to play'.

However healthy it might be to stop when feeling full, it ISN'T necessarily heralthy to stop eating after as bite of a sandwich and 2 Hula Hoops just because you want to bags the best skipping rope today ... and it is a MDS who is in the best position to spot the latter!

[merlehaggard]

I have also been annoyed with dinner ladies when DD2 was in primary and insisted that the children eat all in their lunch box, and so were my friends with children in the same year. In the end, I put a note in her lunch box to show saying that I was happy for her to eat what she wanted to.

[CheeryName]

I'd prefer school to say 'oi DC, eat some more before you go and play' than let them waste food and £££ just because the DC want to rush out to playground. However my children don't come out of school starving hungry and they don't complain of being forced to eat up. So I guess schools can get it right :)

[ZZorro]

Thanks for all your views, so far, good and bad the supporting ones have given me lots of insight and the ones who disagree have given me the drive to put it in writing to the school. It is a post war hangover andsmile and control issue satans and it is definately a gift iseen to know when to stop eating, as well as the gift of our bodies seeking out a balanced diet, so for all the MDS who "know for a fact" the child likes ham/chicken whatever because he always eats it, maybe his/her body just doesn't need anymore of that particular vitamin/mineral lmao vitamins/minerals in rubber ham this is why we have variety, seasonal food supply etc in nature. exexpat thanks for your valuable input, I was another kid throwing up at the table but not at school, at home. DD has complained a fair few times about being pushed to eat her packed lunches, but I've let it go as I know there is not a massive amount in there, but if she switches to school lunch I don't know how much they will give her and this may be a problem. As far as choice goes they have a 4 week menu on rotation and there is one main choice only, and if you don't like it there is a 'no alternative' policy and you have to take a packed lunch on the days they are serving something dc do not like. I don't know if this is a regional thing? There are a few things she won't eat so I will have to make a note of the days on a calendar when I need to send her in with a packed lunch. I don't think it matters how healthy the food is it's not a good idea to overfill the stomach, it trains the stomach to want more and more food, ideally the stomach should be 75% full to promote the best quality of digestion.

[pyrrah]

Definitely agree.

Also the case that the vast majority of times, teachers and schools are very open to discussing issues and being flexible where they can. A lot depends on how things are approached - and how much a parent is demanding.

The staff at DD's school were probably very relieved that I asked them to basically turn a blind eye and not worry - had I asked them to find someone to sit next to her at every meal, count the number of mouthfuls she took and report back then I imagine it would have been more difficult given they have several hundred children to deal with.

Generally children will self-regulate and not starve themselves to death! I have a friend who is constantly anxious that her daughter is about to fade away or die of malnutrition if she doesn't finish everything. My brother ate nothing but bread with chocolate till he was 5... he's now 6ft 5"!

[teacherwith2kids]

Pyrrah,

The point is dialogue, isn't it? In the case of the children I check, it is as a result of conversations with their parents. I raised a concern, we discussed the way forward, they are happy with my approach, we review it every so often. Equally there are children who eat very little where i don't turn a hair, again as a result of dialogue with parents. I do think it is easier for me as a teacher than it would be for a MDS who simply rolls up for a couple of hourts in the middle of the day and won't have such a strong relationship with parents, s in that case it is a 3-way parent / MDS / teacher conversation tha is important.

[fledermaus]

I'm glad DC1's school don't insist on main finished before pudding - he has hot dinners one day a week, and usually the pudding is all he eats!

I also sometimes put new fillings in his sandwich as he is picky and would rather just have cheese, but I want him to have the chance to try new things. On those days I make sure there are lots of extras in there in case he doesn't eat the sandwich.

[pyrrah]

Speak to the school.

My DD has a growth disorder where she lacks a chemical called Insulin Growth Factor. This particular chemical is a major contributor to appetite and so a lot of the time DD has no real interest in food - as do other children with the same issue.

Hospital's advice was to not make an issue of food and it was good if she would basically swallow something. We try to aim for high calorie so if all she is prepared to eat is junk food then that is fine at her age (the home-cooked, healthy plans I had for my future child have had to go out the window).

The school called me last term as she was eating very little of her lunch but often ate the pudding and they were a bit worried. I asked them to just turn a blind eye and let her eat whatever she wanted and not to worry if it seemed enough to keep a mouse alive.

Once they were reassured that I was fine with it then they were quite happy too. Not sure what I would have done if I'd been faced with a teacher who, like in my day, insisted on empty plates or no pudding unless you finished your main course.

[insanityscatching]

I put a note in dd's lunchbox asking the midday supervisors not to comment on how much dd ate because she has a tiny appetite and sensory issues so if she has finished eating it is because she has had enough. There was one though that insisted on trying to cajole her to eat more, the first time I complained to the senior supervisor and the second time to the HT who was aware of dd's difficulties as she has autism. Dd has never since been asked to eat more than what she wanted.

[teacherwith2kids]

My class eat packed lunches in the classroom.

I do not check, in general, who has finished (there are uidday supervisors, but they have responsibility for >1 classroom whereas i am there doing amrking etc). Hiowerver, I do have 2 children with food 'issues' whose lunchboxes I check.

Since they have packed lunches, I assume that their parents have packed something that they know their child doesn't actively detest.

If I note that all 'treat' food (sugary yoghurt, biscuit, crisps) have been eaten but the sandwich untouched, I ask them to eat the sandwich. [I know from experience the role sugar highs and lows have on the behavour of said children]. If virtually none of the food has been touched, I ask them to eat a little of the main component - usually say half the sandwich - and have a good drink. I can accept that a child may not be particularly hungry on a give day, so they don't have to finish the lot, but I do insist that at least some of the 'main food' should be eaten. Both children are underweight, both have behavioural issues related to oor attention span, especially in the afternoon, both do not reliably eat breakfast due to their family circumstances.

[andsmile]

I agree with you OP, its a total postwar generational hangover and it has to stop.

knowing when you are full is important

[Boleh]

Madrigals - we weren't at the same school were we?!

[Boleh]

I'm with exexpat I have nightmares about my first primary school, if you didn't finish your lunch you sat with it in front of you until the end if the day. In one case another child I was sharing a table with was physically sick at the table because they forced him to eat something he disliked. It was only when they actually wouldn't let me leave at the end of the day because I hadn't cleared my plate and mum came in to find out what had happened to me that she discovered what was happening. She went absolutely ballistic!! from then on I didn't have to finish but if I wanted 2nds I wasn't allowed that either because I might not eat it. Totally horrific experience - I was glad when the school was closed! I still have issues with certain textures in food - rice pudding and cold custard being key and I'm a complete emetaphobe.
I would certainly suggest that you ask the school not to put pressure on your child to finish meals, especially not school dinners where you don't know what they are being given and whether they like it.

[spanieleyes]

Portion sizes are varied in my school, the children are asked how much they want and, within reason, are given it. But once it is on their plate, they are expected to eat up, if they want more, seconds are always available.

[catkind]

Healthy well-balanced meals? I wish. Puddings every day, chips, pizza etc. We eat much more healthily at home.
Even with packed lunches, some days DS just isn't that hungry at lunch time, some days he eats huge amounts. I'd rather pack spare and them eat it up as an after school snack than have them sitting feeling hungry all afternoon.
I don't see why schools can't treat children like reasonable humans. Ask them if they've had enough, remind them they'll get hungry in the afternoon if they don't fill up at lunch time, sure. But making someone eat something they don't want, whether because they don't like it or are full, is just horrid.
I still can't eat a few foods as an adult thanks to particular incidents of school or parents trying to force me. (Foods which I liked perfectly well before forced.)

[Quodlibet]

I have horrible memories of being made to finish school lunches by bullying dinner ladies and surreptitiously spreading mashed potato on the underside of the table to try to avoid eating it

The portions are one size fits all - so no wonder some kids can't finish all of it. I agree that being able to stop eating when you are no longer hungry is a great ability to retain. It's something I'm very glad of as an adult (I've never had to diet and never worried about my weight as a result).