Change in behaviour

[acatcalledchinchi]

I was torn between whether or not to post this in here or in the behaviour forum, but as the issue is mainly at school, I'll try in here!

DS is aged 6.5 and in year 2. He has mild CP and wears an AFO splint on his left leg and a shoe insert for his right foot. He attends a lovely local primary school and up until now, his disability has never been an issue.

The children in his class have known since reception that her wears a splint and have always helped him where necessary, without being overbearing or treating him any differently. He doesn't require any one on one help in class and so he has just always been 'one of the class'. He has had two very close friends in particular since the very start.

However, over the past few months, DS has become increasingly withdrawn, showing a lack in confidence and a general down mood. When we got to the bottom of it, it turns out that his two best friends are now avid footballers and spend every dinner time playing football. They've told DS that he isn't quick enough and can't play football. I informed his teacher who drew up a rota for a different group of children to play with him each lunchtime rather than them playing football that day. It worked well for a couple of weeks, but it seems the children are forgetting, and we are back to the beginning.

Since this has all emerged, DS has become increasingly angry and is having outbursts of frustration and anger at home as though that's the only way he can show his emotions. A once pleasant, respectful and easy going child has now become rude, disrespectful and challenging.

The teacher said that she can't force children to play with certain others if they don't want, and I appreciate that. We have parents evening on Tuesday and I would like to raise the issue again, but I don't want them seeing this as being a nuisance situation if that makes sense?

I really don't know what to do

[acatcalledchinchi]

I've missed some fab replies that I've just had chance to catch up on- thank you all so very much. I'm going to write a plan of action and speak firstly to his class teacher.
Must read and run but will be back soon. Thank you all

[WilsonFrickett]

See, I don't want to blow this up into a bigger overall issue with the school, but I can't help myself.... This is why things like statements and ieps, while imperfect, do work because they hold schools to account.

While your son was able to adapt to school, everything was rosy - you yourself said school is 'lovely'. The minute they have to differentiate or adapt its poorly-thought out 'interventions' and a general meh all round.

Ok I'm projecting a tiny bit, but I hang out on the SN boards and see this pattern happen again and again...

Go in to school, keep it positive, offer suggestions by all means. But also don't be afraid to start having conversations along the lines of 'as DS peers start to outstrip him physically, with a resulting impact on his confidence and social capabilities, I believe it's time to re-visit potential statementing and certainly to look at an IEP.'

If this is something you want to consider, repost on the SN board as there are lots of knowledgable posters there who can talk you through the process. I'm from Scotland and its a different system here.

Oh and I've met a lot of eps and lets just say I wouldn't expect too much. OTs are generally fab however

[JodieGarberJacob]

Our junior school did one year for four days then everybody on Friday, this meant that three days a week the footballers played something else. Worth suggesting? Although it never helped my football mad dd, they never let her play even though she was better than most of the boys! I suggested Fridays for girls only and they did for a while until numbers of girls dwindled.

Could your ds be the arbiter/ref? Would he enjoy that side of things?

[OutwiththeOutCrowd]

Imagine that the playground were dominated by a big chessboard, and more cerebral children were free to tell the less cerebral that they couldn't play because they weren't good enough. The cruelty of exclusion would be recognised in that context and the game would soon be banned.

What happens in our primary school playgrounds every day is no less cruel, simply because the pretext for exclusion is football rather than chess.

I would like to see schools promoting games which are flexible and inclusive, games which would allow everyone to take part and bring to the game their own individual strengths.

But back to the real world .... Acatcalledchinchi, you have my sympathy. My DS, like many others it would seem, was shunned by the football crowd and not allowed to join in by them. It cast a long shadow over his primary school years.

One thing that boosted my DS's morale was attending an ICT club. Perhaps your school would consider running one? (You mentioned your DS liked ICT.)

Please tell your DS that football is just a game - like tiddlywinks but a bit more hectic. Being good at it isn't that important, even if primary school society would seem to indicate otherwise.

[2468Motorway]

I know football causes some issues at my kids school. They don't allow football every day. This allows the playground to be used by the other children fully too (there is a space issue at their school). Perhaps you could suggest this.

To be honest though the playground supervision looks like it needs to improve and the school need to be a lot more proactive. I can't believe the rota, that's a terrible idea!

Also apologies for a possibly terrible idea but would he like/be able to play in goal? I hate the idea that he has to fit in with them but if he felt confident enough sometimes it might help?

[Smo2]

That's my feeling too mum1369, we do lots of activities, some disabled, some not...bit it is all about the school finding ways to be inclusive so he can participate alongside all his peers, not finding other things to do instead xxx

[acatcalledchinchi]

Fab link Galena, thank you!

I know that school use the playground at the back for football, and general play is kept to the side. However there should be some sort of provision for children who want to do other things than football at lunch. Now the weather is improving, they may be able to introduce some play equipment (I know they do have some as DD hit DS with a tennis racquet at the start of the year ).

[EdithWeston]

Can I just echo what Mum1369 said? DS2 has no physical issues, but had a very hard time when he wasn't a good enough footballer for the crowd (IYSWIM). It might be worth asking if there are any other non-sporty children, and seeing if there is anything at can be encouraged there.

It can take quite a long time for the influence of football to fade (unfortunately) but it does move on. Finding other things to be good at is important (as can be the discovery of a new out-of-school peer group which share an interest).

One thing from my primary days (didn't get to this point with DS) was the teacher noticing that playtime football actually dominated the space available to the point of unfairness, and so two days a week, no football was allowed. Depending on the layout of your school, might this be a possibility?

[Galena]

Sorry, that was shorter than I meant..

DD also has mild cp, but she's now only 4 so we have all this to come. :(

[Galena]

How about something like this?

[Nocomet]

Does anywhere near you do riding for the disabled. I know it's not school based, but a friend said it helped her DD no end finding she was good at it.

My dyslexic DD is a very good singer and that's given her huge confidence and a certain amount of street cred off people (children and adults) who normally judge her somewhat quirky charecter.

No adults shouldn't be so shallow, but they are

Hope you find a solution, sport is great if, like DD2 your any good, for the rest of us it can be horrible.

[steppemum]

this is a difficult age for friendships anyway, and as they get towards 7, they tend to spend a lot of time arguing about the rules rather than playing. Sadly dd2 recently found that her best friend now wants to play with someone else. Her whole self esteem was dented and she didn't want to go to school for ages.

Her teacher spent some time talking to everyone about good friendships and how we can be inclusive at playtime and things did improve somewhat. Could you keep the friendship out of school with his friends?

I think I would be asking the school if one of the TAs in the playground could focus on playground games and activities which aren't dependent on running. I love the idea of a club, where they earn housepoints for learning a new game or something like that.
Some schools have schemes for teaching some of the old fashioned games in the playground too, which involve a wider variety of skills.

An IEP is and Individual Education Plan, and it details areas that child needs to work on, if there is a concern. It can be academic/social skills/speech or whatever.

[acatcalledchinchi]

I'm not sure what an IEP is but he doesn't have a statement. He had regular CAF meetings whilst in nursery with the view to it being continued in primary school but nothing was ever arranged, and as he fit in so well and was still having his Physio and consultant appointments out of school, even just seemed to fit into place.

It was decided that his needs were not enough to warrant a statement despite writing a lengthy report about his then needs, issues etc.

It hurt me last week when I went to watch DD in assembly and I saw DS walk in with the close girl friend, separate from his other two 'best friends' who were sat together. There was once a time they were inseparable.

DH mentioned to see a child psychologist? Bless him, he doesn't really know what to do either. He is very reassuring with DS, always boosting his morale etc. I think were lucky DH isn't a football fan himself

[WilsonFrickett]

I see your points mum and gruffalo but the norm isn't working for ops DS. She has the right to advocate on his behalf, and that may involve school thinking outside the box.

Op does he have an IEP or statement? Might be time to start thinking about those if not. They can include his social needs if everything is ok with his learning.

[Mum1369]

To be honest, at the moment he probably just wants to fit in, and doing that within the normal realms of school activity is probably the best way forward

[TheGruffalo2]

As a teacher, football is the bane of my life! Problems from playtime, and even weekend football club, spilling into the classroom take up so much time to unpick and it impacts on the dynamics of the classroom so much. Sorry I have no more suggestions, but you have my sympathies.

One aside; asking for your DS to use the ICT suite at lunchtimes or playtimes may not be possible unless it is regularly used as a breaktime club. He can't use it without a member of staff in there as well. At my school we don't have enough midday supervisors to supervise the dining hall, playground and ICT suite or library that children would like, and staff have enough to do over lunchtimes (plus technically they are legally entitled to a lunchbreak even if they don't actually take one!). If there is already an ICT club running it may be possible, but if that is not the case it may not be a viable solution.

[nonicknameseemsavailable]

don't be down on yourself about the bike riding. Can he scoot?

[acatcalledchinchi]

What a fab idea about setting up his own club will get onto him for ideas! I have a friend on PTA which might help me make a step in the right direction!

Will go on the hunt for scooters too

[WilsonFrickett]

Also yy to the OT. They tend to be practical and helpful so definitely bring one in if you can.

[WilsonFrickett]

Pants, just lost a huge post. Is there a club he'd like to start? Two p6 girls in our school set up a skipping club last year, wrote to the PTA for funds and everything. Could he set up a music club, nature club, chess club himself (supported by a TA if necessary?).

Also re the bike, how would he do on a micro scooter? All the cool kids at DS school have them which was a god send when DS couldn't manage his bike.

[acatcalledchinchi]

He has become quite close to one girl in his class (who apparently also likes football ) and I've heard he can become quite protective if anybody else tries to play with them as he is worried that she will leave him to go off and play with the others completely heartbreaking.

I need to be thankful that he doesn't wake up on a morning and be filled with dread about going to school. Work wise, he has progressed immensely so far this year. I guess I just always knew that at some point, that this whole situation would rear it's ugly head

[acatcalledchinchi]

Thank you all for your supportive replies, I really do appreciate it. There are some fantastic points to raise at parents evening

I sometimes don't know how to handle him at home because I'm not used to this behaviour from him and it's so upsetting because I know the whole reason behind it. He still needs to ride a bike with stabilisers because he physically cannot push the left pedal I try as much as I can but with two other children, I cannot often give him as much attention as I want to. I feel guilt and upset from every angle

[nonicknameseemsavailable]

in addition to my PM, have a look through this with him and perhaps contact some of the clubs. Now I am not in any way suggesting he should only do sports with disabled people, what I am thinking is that if you can build his confidence in his abilities then that will really help. I remember when my mum was a teacher she said one of the best children in her class in the gymnastics/PE sessions was one who had one leg shorter than the other, he worked harder, he learned what he was supposed to do, he tried, he practiced and he was a lot fitter than the other kids, he wouldn't give up and he was actually very good. If your son could do some level of sport out of school then he would gain confidence, I assume sport would be good muscle exercise for him and his general fitness would increase and perhaps some of his friends could try some of the less regular sports that are available? I do believe the school could do something, what about they invest in some outdoor games like giant chess or something that doesn't involve running around? I think they can definitely make an effort to try and get some disabled sports into school to try like they did before the 2012 Paras so all children get to try out things like sitting volleyball or wheelchair basketball.
www.leeds.gov.uk/docs/Leeds%20Disability%20Sport%20Programme%202014-%20updated.pdf

I find it so sad to think a little boy the same age as my daughter can feel left out like this at lunchtimes.

[Mum1369]

Chess? Get a clubs list from the school if they have one, and have a chat about what he wants to try. And as with the other posters comments, make sure the school is good at praising and recognising the children who are good at other activities and making sure it's not all about sport. The other kids need to recognise achievement in all areas, and if it's championed in assemblies, the other kids will value it's worth a bit more