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Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Primary education

Sex Ed - is 9 too young?

33 replies

Emlou1984 · 08/12/2013 22:19

I've had to give my 9yr old son the sex ed talk tonight. Although I think he is too young my hand was forced after he managed to watch some very questionable videos on a website whilst staying at his Dads. (he was shown a website whilst staying at his Dads relatives and curiosity got the better of him, which after seeing his scared face I am 100% sure he wont do again for many years, parental locks and laptop supervision all re-thought and amended accordingly!)
He is quite disturbed by what he saw, as am I, so have tried to explain to him the baby making process, and that what he saw is not 'real life' and that it was just actors for a camera etc
My main worry (aside from a now traumatised boy who probably wont sleep well now, but thats a seperate issue) is that by giving him this info, he will then think he has something new and exciting to share at school and go to tell all of his friends how babies are made, who in turn will mention to their own parents and it brings a world of trouble, is 9 too young?

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Emlou1984 · 10/12/2013 11:06

Idespair-lesson learned and when I have more children this will be how I tackle it, it's hard when you only have one as you've not had a trial run to see what works best lol x

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Idespair · 10/12/2013 10:53

You should have tackled it well before now IMO. My youngest knew this stuff when starting reception. It's simple and funny to say to a young child something along the lines of daddy has a seed in his willy, puts it into mummy's fanjo so it can swim to her tummy, join up with her egg and grow into a baby in her tummy. And then come back out of fanjo when grown. Both my dc thought it was hilarious, they still know it and there will never be any embarrassment over it. Likewise, they both knew when they were 2 or 3 (they are girl and boy) that women have periods every month and can wear something resembling a nappy to catch it. I have a friend with a nearly 9yo dd who doesn't know about periods and is terrified of having the chat with her and scaring her, obviously it's getting more urgent but could have been avoided by a lighthearted chat years ago. If you know the basics, porn can be covered much later separately. If either of mine came across it, I would be able to explain, based on their existing knowledge which they are comfortable with. I am always shocked at people not covering this when the dc are little and it is so easy. It only gets harder so don't put it off!

iseenodust · 10/12/2013 10:49

EmLou our school also does the talk in year 6. DS is 9 and doesn't know much about the mechanics yet as he has never asked. We've concentrated more on families are made with love as one of his friends has same-sex parents.

Emlou1984 · 10/12/2013 10:35

Ah thanks Laura, i think I'd hate xmas if I didn't have my son, what do people do all day if they aren't building complicated Lego pirate ships and being shot with a nerf gun lol??! xx

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LauraChant · 10/12/2013 09:34

Emlou I don't know if anyone answered your question but the "D" is dear, or darling or whatver - DD= Dear Daughter, DD2 = second daughter although confusingly some posters have the muber as the age leading to me thinking "you have 16 children?!"

You sound fun and nice, stick around - I like "what is Christmas if you take away the magic, just an expensive lunch" !

Emlou1984 · 09/12/2013 22:55

It def wasn't about being embarrassed etc, just never gave if a thought as he's never asked me about anything, I think they get their school chat in year 6 and I know I'd have rather spoke to him before they did, but glad it's done now. Suppose I'll know I was good at the parent job when he's a stable reliable 35yr old married man, or a deeply affected recluse lol, it's the hardest job in the world (but def the most rewarding!)

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optimusic · 09/12/2013 22:46

So at what age do you think would have been a good age to have a sex ed talk?

It should really be about when they come and ask question imo. This is what happened to me and I completely freaked out when I had my period. Same with some males I have talked to, when they had their first hard on, or their first wet dream, they really freaked out and thought something was really wrong.

A lot of parents don't have the talk because they bury their heads in the sand. Or they are too embarrassed to talk about sex. Or they think their child is too young.

PandaNot · 09/12/2013 22:38

I don't think 9 is too young, however there are many 9 year olds who don't have a clue either despite what everyone is saying here. My now 9 yr old ds had never asked anything, I don't think he'd ever thought about it before they started discussing it in science lessons this term! He's just not a very inquisitive boy

Emlou1984 · 09/12/2013 22:35

NEARTHEWINDMILL - love the condom tale lol, I always had a very open relationship with my mum and could talk about any issues like that, hopefully me and lil legs will also be like this,
Lesson learned, if and when I have a baby number 2 I will make sure it's not an issue, therefore no need for the talk xx

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Emlou1984 · 09/12/2013 22:33

MOTHERINFERIOR - it's never come up , he has no siblings and I'm a single mother raising a boy, and as he is my only child I never knew when would be best, if he'd had any questions I figured he'd ask, or I'd do it when the time felt right. A few friends I've asked also haven't had 'the talk' yet either, so I'm obv not the only one, helpful comments and advice would be great, rather than what feels like sarcasm x
TITCHY - yup that's what I figured but it works for me lol, what is Xmas if you take away the magic, just an expensive lunch lol x
Have spoken to the parents of the other child who is going to deal with the porn issue, and going to play Xmas films on repeat in the hope he forgets what he has seen, he swears when he realised it was a rude video he turned it off, so hopefully not seen too much x

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ShoeWhore · 09/12/2013 22:31

What a shock for your ds - and you!

As for knowing about sex though - are you sure they haven't already covered it at school? My ds is also 9 and last summer (end of year 4) they had quite a detailed sex education lesson, after which we had a really good chat and I told him he could ask me anything (which he did!) He'd already picked up quite a bit from the playground I think so it was good that we had a chance to discuss the facts. I felt quite nervous but it was fine once we got into it, in fact I think this age might be ideal - they are old enough to understand a bit more but not old enough to be too embarrassed about discussing it with their ancient mother!

pyrrah · 09/12/2013 22:25

Age 9 is getting late IMO. Sex ed should start as early as possible (appropriately presented obviously). Considering how many 13 year-olds were bonking away at my very naice boarding school, you need to get in early on the mechanics, contraception and above all on teaching young people to value themselves enough not to be pressured (consciously or subconsciously) into having sex early.

DD - 4.5 years - knows exactly how babies are made, having found the book 'How A Baby is Made' by Per Holm Knudson that I had as a young child in the '70's. Fab book, but pretty explicit and hilarious illustrations - her main question at the end of reading it as her bedtime story was whether 'daddy and you enjoyed it'...

www.goodreads.com/book/show/4367613-how-a-baby-is-made

In countries like the Netherlands - which has the lowest teen pregnancy rate in Europe, sex ed starts at 6.

kla73 · 09/12/2013 22:22

Not too young. It might also be good to have a discussion about internet safety. This website (run by CEOP) is really good to help you talk through aspects of this -www.thinkuknow.co.uk

titchy · 09/12/2013 21:08

You realise he probably joins in the magic of Santa for you don't you? Not because he really and truly believes?!

motherinferior · 09/12/2013 20:42

How on earth did he not know at age 9?

NearTheWindmill · 09/12/2013 20:39

I'd be more worried about the 11 year old who showed him on the computer to be honest. I'd be having a firm chat with his dad about requiring parental supervision when that 11 year was around.

We talked about it openly from when the children were tiny and never really had an issue. I'm the mother whose son texted her once that his girlfriend was coming to stay the night (they were 17) and texted back to say "make sure you have plenty of condoms then" and then realised that he had texted me from his girlfriend's phone . There was a very long discussion a few weeks before that though about whether she was allowed to stay the night and relationships and responsibility and whether her parents were happy with such a decision.

It's hard being a parent - mine are 19 and 15 now.

cupcake78 · 09/12/2013 20:33

If he's old enough to be exposed to it he's old enough to know about it!

Emlou1984 · 09/12/2013 20:31

PS what does DDad, DF DD2 etc stand for, as I'm new to this lark lol!

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Emlou1984 · 09/12/2013 20:29

DIONE yes we had a frank and long chat about how here are lots of crazy things online that aren't for kids and how the things he saw aren't probably true to life and he shouldn't be worrying himself about all that stuff at his age, had a very long talk until he calmed down! Love you all for your frankness and I'm now thinking he might not have been as shocked if he'd knew about birds and bees sooner, the subject have never came up though to be fair, although we are very open and he knows he can talk to me about anything. Feel a lot calmer about the situation today, and he seems fine too, still going to get him a book though! xx

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IdaClair · 08/12/2013 23:57

I certainly knew all about it when I was 9, as did my friends. I don't think there is a right time (or one talk) any more than there is a right or singular time to learn about anything else, I'm in favour of gradual assimilation.

Hence my DD knows all about it too. She's been present at a birth so I would hope she did know where babies come from!

NoComet · 08/12/2013 23:50

Very frank DDad

NoComet · 08/12/2013 23:50

I told DD2 when she was 7, in the way to Brownies.

I have no idea when I told her big sister although her DF filled in the details at Guide camp, when she was 10, hence talk with DD2.

I have never not known, very dark DDad and why as a favourite word.

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TheRaniOfYawn · 08/12/2013 23:37

9 seems a bit old to me.

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/12/2013 23:29

Emmylou, we do our best. Have you spoken to him about what is online, what he saw and why it isn't a good idea to be looking at this stuff?

PolkaDotParty · 08/12/2013 23:23

My 4 year old asked, "when you grow the baby Mummy, how does daddy's seed get into you?" at the dinner table tonight. So I told her and read "Mummy laid and Egg" again at bedtime. So, no, 9 is not too young to have a good grasp of sex imo.

However, porn etc is not something I'd want them to stumble across. Keep the lines of communication open I'd say, answer questions as they arise and maybe buy a suitable book for him to read in his own time?

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