Private v state

[lucywiltshire]

DH teaches at well known public school where our DCs will go at 13 thanks to discount on fees. We also aim to educate them privately from age 11 subject to funds. We would love to start them off in private schools from age 4 but as the state primaries near us are pretty good we aren't certain it is worth it. What do people think are the benefits of private from age 4 other than the obvious ones like more discipline and smaller class sizes. DH and I were both educated privately so have no experience of the state sector but have been pleasantly surprised by the ones local to us.

[mummytime]

Well do contact them if further questions come up. And I would always advise applying to State even if just as a back up to private (you never know).

[lucywiltshire]

we have seen all the schools, just time to start making decisions!

[scarlettsmummy2]

Could you apply for a bursary for the prep school?

[mummytime]

I would go and have a look at the Catholic school, and don't be afraid to ask questions. (I would also go and look at the large primary and ask awkward questions.)

The more you see and ask for yourself the better you will know what is the right decision for you and your daughter.

[nextyearitsbigschool]

I think it depends on the profile of the state school as to whether the extras are going to be different. Our experience of an admittedly very middle class state school has been that reception is whole class parties, so 30 parties plus the ones they are invited to from the parallel class. In the private school, 18 children in the class, one class per year, that's a lot less parties. The kind of parties have been similar such a bowling, soft play, entertainer in a hall. There were no at home mum doing the games parties at the state school but have been several in the prep school and often by the more affluent parents, so no keeping up with the Joneses.

We have had no pressure to take part in the annual dance or anything like that, it's not our scene regardless of the cost so simply don't go. At the state school children were off on the most wonderful holidays, often several times a year. In the private school there are people with incredible trips but just as many having a weekend in center parcs or renting an apartment in Spain for a week. Yes, we are asked for a contribution to the bottle raffle at the summer fair but a bottle of whatever is on offer at Morrisons that week is more than fine and a home baked cake is all that is expected for the cake stand. Our class mums night out was at a local pasta place.

I will admit that I am not aware of any children whose parents are making enormous sacrifices to send their children to the school, all the children seem to live in nice areas and the parents drive nice cars but they are everything from fiestas to range rovers. The houses range from ordinary 3 bed semis to jaw dropping mansions but most importantly the children don't care and to be completely honest neither do the parents.

[lucywiltshire]

Our preferred state primary is our closest (5 mins walk) but is Catholic and we are not. We stand a pretty good chance of getting a place for DD because our town is very small and there are not that many Catholic families. However, I am not certain I want religion rammed down my daughter's throat, especially if not our actual religion!! The next option is a very large primary - far too large for my daughter. There is an excellent private prep 10 minutes walk away. My cousin has 4 children there and raves about it. It has a very good reputation and hubby and I both loved it when we looked around. It is purely money which is stopping us sending her.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Hello OP.

I can't help with suggestions about the schools, however you mentioned music being better at the private school.
If you found the state school was everything you wanted but didn't offer enough music, you could always opt for private lessons.
This is what we have done with dd as we were/are not in the position to afford private school, unless completely subsidised.

[Elibean]

OP, I think you should look at the schools available to you and trust your gut instincts.

We looked at state and private for dd1, and one of the state primaries felt absolutely right - I think having a school that reflects your values at primary is important, as is pastoral care. Social setting, learning to cope in mixed environments, loving learning, enthusiasm and being part of a 'big family' all mattered to us, and we haven't looked back: dd1 is thriving, academically and socially, and I know she'll be ok in secondary education regardless of which system she ends up in.

But it does depend on the schools around you, I think. Personally, I think the state primaries where we are have a lot more to offer than the private ones.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

To be honest it doesn't sound like you can really afford private. I'd definitely go for your decent local state school and put the fees saved into a savings account. You can then consider your options again as the children get to secondary age.

[lottieandmia]

Where does this idea that you have to keep up with the rich parents before considering private school come from? Just because some people at school spend £500 on their child's birthday party, that does not mean that everyone has to! At our prep school there have been a few extravagant parties - one that really sticks in my mind is when the 'party bags' were a remote control car for each child to take home! But there are plenty of us who have more modest parties and everyone comes and enjoys those too. There are also some well off people at school who don't agree with extravagant parties anyway. We are not rich and we are certainly poorer than a lot of the families at the school but if anyone has a problem with that then I don't care and it has never seemed to cause any issues for my older dd who is popular. I've never felt the need to keep up with the families who have gated houses and CCTV.

[maillotjaune]

It depends on what you think will suit your child. DS1 and 2 both have friends who left their good state primary for a supposedly amazing local prep school only to return 1-2 years later after an awful experience.

Also, have a think about just how 'regimented' you really want life to be for a 4 year old. They are still very young.

[Tailtwister]

I agree that there can be a lot of hidden costs. Whole class parties are the norm in the first couple of years, so on presents alone that's around £200 per year. Then there's your own child's party too. That's not to mention the socialising for the parents. Fund raising balls etc all add up, but of course you don't have to go to them.

At DS's school there are some very wealthy parents who seem to stick together as the majority of wives don't work and they socialise a lot during the school day. However, there are very many who like us are dual income households too. We make every effort to attend evening/weekend functions and help out where we can, although we can't do much during the working week.

[Tailtwister]

I think it entirely depends on how good your local state schools are. If we were in a good catchment (we are in Scotland, so they are very strict) we would definitely have used them.

One of the main advantages for us was the smaller class size. I think the max in state is 30 and in the school DS1 goes to it's 20. It doesn't sound like a huge amount less, but I do think it makes a difference when they are first starting out. They are very hot on discipline too, but so are good state schools.

I would take a good look at the state options available and weigh up the pros and cons. A fair number of our friends have gone the state route and are extremely happy. Most plan to move to private for secondary which is a fairly common thing to do where we live.

[scarlettsmummy2]

Jonny- that sounds exactly like my daughters prep. There are a lot of hidden costs, especially the birthday parties, and agree that they tend to be £400-£500 a go. There is also a lot of socialising amongst parents, including the annual ball which will easily cost £200 a couple plus drinks etc. Teachers donations are also another £20 a time. Plus uniform £400+. We have made some sacrifices to send our daughter, however we feel it has been worth every penny as our daughter is thriving and really happy.

[JohnnyDeppsfuturewife]

My dd sounds a lot like yours, often too shy to join in at parties and toddler classes, so we put her in a private school. I didn't think she'd be happy in a class of 30 and I couldn't imagine her being confident enough to ask to go to the toilet or answer a question.

She's now in year 1 and is thriving, she gets plenty of attention and I can tell from the reports and parent teacher consultations that her teachers really know her well and can find the best way of learning. So she has access to several reading schemes to best suit how she learns and I feel that we've been given good advice on how to encourage her. She also has access to after school clubs so this year she wanted to learn French and might do modern dance and swimming.

If money might be a problem you need to think about all the hidden extras, for example parties and fundraising activities. Whole class parties are normal and I would imagine many cost £500 sometimes more (yes honestly!). For school fairs we're expected to donate prizes, cakes, bottles, toys etc, many of these are brand new and some of the committee members pay quite a lot for things with their own money. I have no idea if all private schools are like this but it's worth finding out.

[lucywiltshire]

my DD is a funny little girl. She can be mega shy, for example at her nursery/pre-school she will never join in at circle time, when they do dancing etc etc unless someone really helps/encourages her so I do feel in a class of 30 she will be overlooked and then become bored. I also want her to have the opportunities you get in the private sector with things like music, drama etc (our local prep school is amazing for things like that).

[lottieandmia]

It does depend on what kind of child you have as others have said. My younger two dds go to a girls prep school where the class sizes are small. The 9 year old is doing very well there and has really blossomed both socially and academically. My youngest dd has just started reception there and she is a child who becomes withdrawn easily and sometimes finds it hard to concentrate. She is still quite 'babyish' for 4 and I felt that in a class of 30, she may not learn very much as it's very hard for the teacher to keep on top of all the kids who aren't listening in that situation. In her prep school the boundaries are very clear and there is nowhere to hide. I always remember a tutor of ours saying she noticed a child in a state school she worked in who did almost nothing all day and the teacher didn't seem to realise.

[SerialStudent]

If you go down the private route just don't sit in your laurels - sometimes pupils still slip through the nets.

[Tableforfour]

You really need to clarify the entrance requirements, do teachers kids get in because their parents teach there or because they are well prepared?

[MomentForLife]

If the school is good and you're supporting your child at home with all the things you should be like reading etc, to me the only negative/difference with a state school is the class sizes.

[columngollum]

There is no reason to suppose that state schools are automatically bad schools. In some inner-city areas certain schools suffer from an inability to be good, for a thousand different reasons. But similarly-sized state schools elsewhere have done brilliantly.

[JammieMummy]

I would agree with others here, it really depends on your children and the individual schools. Our DD is at a prep school despite an outstanding state school locally. I dont deny that the state school gets excellent results and is a good school for some children but not my DD. They have a 2 form entry and in reception it is a free for all free flow play/learn system, my DD was so upset by the environment in that room that I couldn't physically put her down!! If she had gone there I know my quiet child would have become totally withdrawn and wouldnt have learnt a thing or come out of the corner where she would have barricaded herself in with a book. On the reverse her prep school is all about learning through play but it is structured play, children are always calm and polite etc and she had flourished there.

They say that if your children lose the love of learning before 7 it is very hard neigh on impossible to get it back and so when looking at primary schools I focused, not on academics, but on where she would be happiest and would bring her out of herself.

But I am not sure I would make my life as financially difficult as you suggest above! You dont want to just be paying for education and not have anything else fun or nice, children dont need big holidays but you and they do need a break and to get away sometimes. I would become very stressed and upset if I was working all the hours and had nothing nice at the end. Also have you factored in the yearly fee rises? because if you would struggle in the first few years, it only gets harder from there.

[musicalfamily]

The problem is really getting to the bottom of whether your local school is truly outstanding or not.

We thought we'd done our research really well; school outstanding in all areas, high L5s, 100 L4s, spoke to local parents...but when you have children going through the school you realise that what the school deliver in terms of teaching is fairly laid back and that the parents take the initiative to top up and do a hell of a lot at home. This may be fine and dandy for some but less doable and very stressful for others.

Not sure how you would get this feedback as it is not one you get easily from other parents unless you know them very well. And even then they might not want to share it.

I do believe there are some truly fantastic schools but just looking at the Ofsted and the results sadly isn't always a true reflection..

[lucywiltshire]

Table, we don't have guaranteed entry to DH's school but as far as I am aware no teacher's child have ever been refused a place but possibly because they all meet the entry requirements.
We would struggle hugely to pay for prep school fees for all 3 DC even with grandparents helping, and possible bursaries but it would be do-able if we spent nothing on anything else.