DS been in school a week and I've got to go and "discuss his behaviour"

[aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow]

My DS has been a school just over a week, only a few days FT and I've had a call tonight asking for a meeting with me.

Tuesday, he was "spoken to" by a senior teacher twice. Once for shoving someone and once for hitting. He told me the second time it was in retaliation to something being done to him that wasn't seen. We done the big talking to, unacceptable behaviour, go and tell an adult etc etc and he was very upset. He lost some privileges, and was told what the consequences would be should it happen again. He had a good day yesterday and came home with a good behaviour certificate. We made a big fuss and gave him back some confiscated items. However, on collection today he tells me he's been naughty, but without any consequences (no bad points). He told me he hurt someone but it was an accident and he said sorry. However, I literally walked through the door, and his teacher rings asking me to go in to "discuss his behaviour". (Going on Monday). We had quite a chat and she told me he shoved someone against a door deliberately and without reason. She suggested he omitted to tell me the full story (he got 4 bad points) as he knew his favourite teddy would be confiscated. When I questioned him, he still denied getting these points but that he was trying to get inside as he was getting wet. Sounds to me like he was being a bit heavy handed and not thinking of others before pushing past.

Again, we had a "I'm disappointed" talk before removal of teddy. He was beside himself and went to bed at 6.15pm - and straight to sleep.

He has been to preschool since a baby so is very used to other kids etc but not so used to the strict discipline that school provides as nursery was crap at discipline.

I'm just so torn. I need to nip this in the bud right now. I want my child to love school and have lots of friends, but its not going well at the moment. I know I need to stamp it out and be tough as he has to learn appropriate behaviour...but its not easy .surely the school understand this time is difficult for these kids just starting and that their behaviour may not necessarily be typical of how they will be in a few weeks. Who knows what I am in for when i meet with the teacher on Monday.

Sorry, a bit of a long ramble there. I just feel cos he is lovely really

What Medhandhtekids said.

Poor child - his first weeks at school must seem like being batted back and forth between two sets of adults being cross and upset with him.

I would try and encourage gentleness with lots of positive affirmation - if he cares about his teddy he can be gentle and care about other children. Spend lots of time with him, don't withdraw theclosest times like stories in his first week at school. Make hism feel as secure as possible. Lots of kids find starting Reception very tiring even if the have been in nursery, and he may be making himself feel brave by being extra assertive physically.

I would want to speak to his teacher too.

I really don't believe in double punishing children. Any punishment should be straight away, that means in school by the teacher. I do re-enforce when I am disappointed, but I don't punish out of school for things which happen in school on the whole, and definitely at this age.
Positive re-enforcement works better at this age anyway.

Questions I would want answered: how do they handle his behaviour? What consequences are there? What do they want you to do? (You cannot control his behaviour because you are not there.)

How experienced is his teacher? Is this a good school for boys? Is it a private school?

she quite probably wants to find out if this is how he normally behaves, did he do this at preschool or at home so that she will know if it is due to him being unsettled/not thinking/accidents etc or if she needs to be thinking this might be something he genuinely has a long term problem with.

Give the teacher a chance, I would rather a teacher spoke to me early about something like that and wanted to find out the whole picture of my child as an individual and whatever they might be dealing with so that she could help him. That is how I would see it anyway.

I think naughtiness at school should be punished at school and I don't double punish. I don't want my kids to be afraid of telling me what has happened that day and I think home should be a safe, happy refuge. Then they can start again the next day if necessary.

I don't think his behaviour is unusual, surely school should just get on with dealing with it.

My ds has just had a week of school too. He's probably exhausted and finding it hard work figuring out what to do all the time and trying not to get trodden on etc. I think for the next few weeks at least, making home as nice as possible and letting school worry about behaviour there would be best - along with early nights, not as a punishment, just recognising that school is tiring.

I got asked to speak to the teacher on day 3 - they are coming up with ways to try to get ds to eat lunch. He seems happy at least - hope your little boy settles in soon.

He sounds as though he's very tired - this certainly won't help so maybe some really early bedtimes for a while.
Star chart/behaviour book or whatever also sounds lke a good idea. Has he started at a school where he doesn't know the other children? If so, I'd try a few playdates to help him to get to know them better.

taking away his teddy was a bit mean IMO

No solutions but I'm in the exact same situation (except we contacted the teacher first because the behaviour was so out of character for ds and I didn't want it to develop into a habit or for the teacher to think it was usual). So have some and here's hoping our dcs settle.

mummytime do you think there are some schools that are better at dealing with boys than others? I must admit, I have been wondering if that is part of the problem with our school.

Hi all,thanks for all the comments and suggestions. Been at work all day and just read through.

I NC for this post as for some reason I am embarrassed - almost like its my fault, or I am the only one with a DS like this etc, so didn't explain the reward system at school very well in fear of outing myself as it's different to any others I have read about. But suffice to say, they don't call it "bad points" they just have positive and negative "points" which they give the DCs, the numbers of which vary on the deed, and the punishment/reward depends on the number attained.

Yes he is only 4.6, absolutely knackered, knows no-one else at school, big shock to the system etc etc so how bad do I feel . He can be very cheeky and not take me seriously sometimes so when we were having our stern talk Tuesday, I told him what would happen next time he repeated behaviour like that (teddy), as I knew that would make him sit up and listen, but as you know, he then fibbed to me so I wouldn't do it, which meant I had to go through with it last night so he knew I was being serious. After I left him sobbing, I went and done exactly the same thing, as I felt so awful.

Getting a call from school made me feel like I was 15 again and also that I've got this little shit of a child that needs "dealing with", when actually, that is not the case.

I came here to get some context and perspective, both of which I got, and with some really useful comments and suggestions, and when I speak to his teacher, I will feel much more in control and be able to put his point of view as well as my own.

Today, he has been good, had a word with his teacher, said sorry, and come home to a very relieved mum and dad, who gave him teddy back and then his special treat for being good. He has been told how pleased we are with him and that every time he is good at school he will get a sticker and if he gets one every day, he will get a treat at the weekend.

And hopefully, his teacher and I can work out some strategies for this point forward.

What a bloody nightmare (my DD has been at school 3 years and I've never had anything like this).

Now where is that wine.....?

[Cake] and to the others going through this as well.

Is it a boy thing do you think?

Sorry mummytime, lovely school, young teacher (but they are all young compared to me), state school

No. And you need to drop the "typical boy" idea. He needs to behave as well as your DD, boys aren't an alien species. (I have two, much older than yours.)

Watching and hand holding with interest because in exactly the same position with DS who's just started reception! (also name changed). Also have a DD who's been there for a couple of years with absolutely no problems whatsoever! I did anticipate that we'd have a few 'issues' and so did discuss it with his teacher at the home visit but it's still horrible when you get the 'can I have a word'....
It's interesting to hear view on 'punishments'. I know I'm guilty of punishing at home too much when it has been dealt with at school (usually no tv etc) and I think I also go on to him too much about why he's done what he'd done etc so he eventually zones out.

Re the boy thing - I know they have to behave as well as girls but I definitely think that the way some of them play (I know- a massive generalisation)- superheroes, knights etc does lead to more problems in playgrounds in particular. DS loves playing games where he is 'fighting baddies' and they all end up getting carried away -(nursery had to ban it). As a generalisation DD and her friends are playing cats cradle, skipping etc and the boys are tearing around and the little ones get over excited with all the bigger children around. DS in particular wants to play with all of DDs friend that he knows which also causes problems as he is becoming a bit of a pest...

Anyway- here's to a relaxing weekend and a better week next week

No, no, you are not the troublematic mum with a 'little shit' or any such thing. It's all normal, so far.

It sounds as if the starting school thing has got to you all a bit.

Have a relaxiing weekend, give him lots of affirmation (in a subtle kind of way, not rewards or a big hoo ha) when he is polite and helpful and kind, and enjoy yourselves.

We have 2 older girls and a boy. We definitely found it different when our little boy started school. There seems to be a lot more rough and tumble and it's a difficult balance I think for little boys to do enough to show that they won't be pushed about but not be seen as being aggressive themselves. Our little boy seemed to come home covered in mud every day for the first month he was in school because someone had "pushed him over". He toughened up quite a bit over the first term which in some ways seems a shame - why should he need to toughen up at age 5. When we had his 6th birthday earlier this year it was completely different from birthdays for our girls. Pass the parcel quickly descended into who could throw the parcel hardest at whom (game quickly over!) and we spent a lot of time just trying to keep control. I could see why he needs to hold his own in the playground. Having said that I'm hoping that having a boy this time means that we won't go through that awful age 8/9 stage with girls where they start getting into little cliques and falling out all the time!

Lots of boys kids have bad start to reception. You just have to work thru it. I'll spare you DS's horror story.

Re punishments for misdemeanours at school, I usually talk to them about what happened at school, make it clear that it's not acceptable. No further punishment is issued at home except I insist that the apologise to their teacher immediately on arriving at school the next day. Indeed there was one occasion last year when DS was rude to his teacher, and when he got home I made him write a letter of apology. He has been absolutely good as gold ever since (touch wood.)

I have reread your post, if I found out that DS school was handing our negative points, of any sort, no matter how they put it - I would go ballastic, exactly is if he was losing play time.

Positive rewards is way more effective for children, negative points, 4 years old first weeks in school - makes me so ANGRY on behalf of these children.

On the teddy note, can I say, I know that there is a school of thought that says that you shouldn't say a punishment you don't keep, (and I don't think 4 year olds should be punished), but there is nothing wrong with saying "daddy and I have had a think and we think we were wrong to threaten to take away teddy, it was a mistake". Going through with it - especially if it made you cry - was wrong!

Do you want him to learn to behave because he wants to be nice or because he is scared you are going to take something he loves away. And it is good to teach them it is ok to admit to a mistake or being wrong, that even grown ups aren't right all the time.

There is a fantastic website if you are interested - AHA Parenting. here if you like their FB page you get bite sized chunks pop up.

I find rough housing really effective with mine here

We have it instilled in us that we want our children to be "good", to "behave", to "co-operate", but they are still babies at 4. I want mine to want to be kind because it makes them feel good to be nice.

I am not perfect, I shout at them at times, I lose my temper (like I did last night with DD when she wouldn't, just wouldn't go to sleep), but I apologise, the next day I told her, mummy was wrong, mummy was unkind and mummy feels sad because I know I shouldn't have shouted at you. Later on at bed time we talked about going to bed, but it was way more important to me that she knew I had made a mistake and no-one has the right to lose their temper and shout at her.

Gentle Parenting is a different way of parenting, I have heard it called lazy parenting and the world has this idea we let our children run riot, but it takes a lot more thinking to parent this way.

That was very long and I know a lot of people dismiss it as hippy nonsense, I just thought you may be interested - I am not saying its the best way, or the only way, just because it works for my family it may not work for yours, - so I hope you take it in the spirit it is intended.

The boy - girl thing. Most boys need to run around madly at least some of the day, and may have a smaller personal space than adults expect, so "bump" into each other more. Most girls are a bit better at social cues, and sitting quietly.
Therefore in some schools most girls can seem "better" behaved than boys.
I have a DS and two DD, at least my DS and one of my DD are not very "typical". However even my DS who is lively but finds soccer too rough really, has got into trouble for not sitting quietly at school. My non-typical DD has got into trouble for behaviour that was described as "more usual in a boy". And they all attend/attended a school which was good for boys, and has activities such as whole school exercise after sitting still in assembly.

The draw back of girl culture in school is they can look "as good as gold" but there can be far more subtle "nastiness" going on. Where as usually with boys it's more inclusive (at this age) and if someone is mean its more obvious to supervising adults.

Yes, I don't agree with double punishing either. School is school; home is home. BUT it is extremely helpful if school keep you closely informed of what's going on, especially if he may tell lies to you.

We had a very wobbly start when ds1 started school; but school took it very seriously, dealt with it very seriously and he soon cottoned on to the expectations. (He's 16 now and has had very good behaviour record and excellent results for over 10 years now!)

Home-school communication is key. When he'd been good for a bit and met his targets, the Head Teacher invited him to have a biscuit in her office and gave him a special sticker. When he came home he was thrilled and said "No-one else in my class has a special HT award sticker. Now, to get another one all I have to do is be really naughty again and then be good for a bit." ... :-o :-o I was astonished and appalled by his logic, but let the school know immediately, so they nipped that in the bud immediately!

I'm a Reception teacher too and certainly agree with crazzybabs. I currently have 3 children (2 boys, 1 girl ) in my class who need lots of encouragement and positive reinforcement to behave appropriately.

Lots of talking about rules and expectations, constant modelling behaviour and pointing out of other children behaving correctly is slowly beginning to work. Although 1 boy I feel has further issues that will need addressing.

We too use the traffic light system (Going for Green) and it does work, along with lots of stickers and other rewards along the way.

School is a BIG change, even if kids have been to fulltime nursery school is very different, loads of things to learn and adapt to.

I'm sure the meeting will go well and the teacher will help you and your son to make school life more enjoyable.

Please stop the typical boy excuses. Is he getting enough exercise? He sounds frustrated. And he doesn't need to be on a tablet or a ds at his age.
Is there anyway you can maximise the time you're with him over the next few weeks? Time this weekend and at school drop off ad pick ups?
be kind to yourselves at the same time as reinforcing the being kind and not physical rules.

As a mum of girls I only see this from an outside perspective. Some friends with boisterous boys have experienced the same as you. The one who has managed it best recognised her son's very physical nature and took him for a run around the park BEFORE school (and after for that matter).

just another point of view...I tell my son who is now yr 2..he can talk to me about anything that has happened in school..he has been told off. moved down .I will chat to him about how he could of handled it differently or improve but he has already been punished at school..He does know however if I am called in that is a different matter as the school are asking me to be involved..

Starting reception is exhausting and he is likely to settle down.. He does need to learnt things such as keeping your hands to yourself and kind words. but needs to know his mummy loves him no matter how hard school is..

My DS2 found out that if he leant heavily on smaller classmates they sometimes fell over He was one of the youngest in the class and I think he found it hard to fit in.

His lovely reception teacher had a word, told me not to worry too much, just wanted us in the loop.We had a chat with him along the lines of not a friendly
thing to do, he would be upset if it happened to him etc and not to do it.Getting cross would have been pointless.He stopped doing it and settled in.

They're babies at 4.Negative points?I doubt even the army would use that as a training technique.