My son's behaviour at school disappoints and embarasses me, and makes me feel guilty

[MerryMarigold]

I feel completely in at the deep end here. He is my first child, so I'm learning about school, as well as kids in general and him specifically. He's in Yr 1 and we had a hard year last year. He found it very hard socially, academically and behaviourally. He got quite stressed and so did I. I thought it may be the teacher, but this year the teacher is great and we have the same issues, so...it is him. And it is me. What can I do to help him? I want it to change this year.

Let me give you some facts.

• He can't sit still at carpet time
  
• He's often missing playtime as a punishment (for fighting or not finishing work)
  
• He finds it hard to focus/ concentrate unless it is playing lego/ drawing
  
• He messes about a lot - silly behaviour
  
• His behaviour at school is worse than at home and it is also worse at home during term time than in the holidays
  

It was the school assembly today and I was mortified to see him just messing about in the back row with his friend and not really joining in the song properly. The children looked so sweet singing their hearts out, but he wasn't one of them. He and his 'friend' were the ONLY 2 messing about.

Anyone have thoughts as to why his behaviour is bad? And how to correct it. At home and ant strategies school could use. We are not afraid of discipline, but it doesn't seem to work that well on him (he gets unhappy and behaves worse if gets it a lot).

It's parents' evening tomorrow. I'd like to go in with some ideas! And I will also update you on what the teacher thinks when she tells me.

[MerryMarigold]

Thanks for resurrecting this thread, Maldives. It read so interesting to read it. Ds1 is in y9 and still has some issues. In the end he was diagnosed with ADHD but it never really got dealt with majorly in school and in y5/6 I didn't even meet the SENCO. He masks everything very well. I think there are definite autistic traits but it's hard to know what is a trait and what is actually 'on the spectrum'. He's always struggled socially, but has a few friends at school, b thigh I think he's picked on a bit (he's not open about this). He still finds learning a struggle but works hard enough to be average. He's obsessed with Match Attack cards and Hot Wheel cars and has huge collections of both which he sieve large amounts of time 'sorting' and organising. It makes me sad to remember those early days. He was sooo unhappy. Dd has done really well. She didn't struggle with focus although she's always been slower than ds2 at learning. In y6 now! She dies struggle socially too but is wise and empathetic beyond her years.

[Maldives2006]

@MerryMarigold

ADHD causes hyper focus where a child can concentrate on something that really stimulates the brain. For example my child spent 8/9 hours of Xmas day completing the Lego millennium falcon.

You need to speak to the school SENCO and put the wheels in motion because the waiting lists for assessments is generally a long wait.

There are lots of relatively easy interventions that school can put in place i.e. movement breaks, fidget toys, sensory diets and intervening before a problem.

[user1495827045]

Hiya. What happened in the end and did your ds calm down? Would love to know as currently experiencing similar issues with my son x

[NotnOtter]

Merry - i did away with all screen type things for a start but that is my own bug bear...

Re their upbringing- we instill a calming influence on our boys encouraging a more creative gentle child right from the get go.

The younger three are much more self sufficient - less demanding in their play but conversly (sp) i'd say spend much more time with dp and I even if we are not actually playing with them....

They play much more happily with next to nothing - being much more imaginative. I blame myself as i did succumb to ds demands when he wanted screens etc as he would 'kick off' by which i mean cry or tantrum if he was refused stuff.

The younger three are much more accepting that 'no' means 'no' and that family rules are there to be abided. Again, totally our fault for not following things through with the older ones

Our ds who has aspergers 'traits' is a lovely boy and bright as anything but not so easy going and no where near as chilled as the younger ones...he sounds a lot like your boy when he was younger... quite over active,sleep issues, would be the one who fidgets and can't leave his class mate alone on the mat,might be over - boisterous - never knew physical limits (re personal space)
He is still socially a bit 'unnatural' and 'forced' - as a teenager he is learning how he should behave with his peers but it does not come naturally to him iyswim. His much younger siblings find some situations easier than him despite HUGE age gap

Sadly i would admit that parenting him has been harder than the subsequent ones ( again through what i see as adults failure and not his own) ....thus i tried much harder next time!

The thing is you cannot choose their nature and DS looks like he has a great future ahead of him - v v driven and good at most of what he touches!!!

[NotnOtter]

Amber ocd comment different to autistic one. The autistic comment is so

[AmberLeaf]

Yes MerryMarigold sorry from me too for highjacking. prob not helpful.

[MerryMarigold]

Don't mind hijack at all. S'all interesting.

NotnOtter. Why do you think your subsequent children are different? What did you do differently?

Thanks for all the tips. I think I need a specific strategy for school nights as he is a lot better at the weekend. Today he woke up at 7.15 (school was shut thur and fri so he's had time to wind down).

I am struggling with the difference between helping him wind down, and doing more sports. How does this work? If he gets over tired, it will be even harder for him to sleep. Will it be another stressful environment for him? We try not to do too much at the weekend so he has time to recuperate. He has asthma and it can get really bad if he gets too tired.

Popbiscuit, the personal space thing is definitely ds1 . I don't go on about it as he's so unaware of it and like you say, it doesn't make any difference when I mention it, he's so carried away that logic won't be coming into his head.

[AmberLeaf]

Notanotter

Maybe im not putting my point across well enough.

Im talking about the casual use of that phrase, my example of 'im a bit ocd' I think illustrates it better.

It seems to have become fashionable to say it. It pisses me off, I live with autism and ocd, I know people that say crap like that dont. if they did they wouldnt say it. or at least if they do live with it, they are in serious denial of what it actually means.


catawampus

most people who have distinct traits also have close relatives who are more definitely autistic; so the people with traits are in a kind of beyond the spectrum area, as far as you're concerned

No.

They quite probably are on the spectrum.

I mean people that try to link quirks in someones personality to autism.

Being 'quirky' doesnt mean you are autistic. yet I see it refered to. a lot.

[catawampus]

Well...I think this isn't entirely irrelevant to the OP, since to some extent it's about how useful any diagnosis might be...most people who have distinct traits also have close relatives who are more definitely autistic; so the people with traits are in a kind of beyond the spectrum area, as far as you're concerned? Whereas people who just have one or two behaviour patterns which are vaguely comparable, but no relatives on the spectrum, are not anywhere near the spectrum?

Sorry, OP, if this is too much of a hijack; I'll stop now.

[Popbiscuit]

Merry, DS does the "in your face" thing all the time too. With his brother and sister, with his friends and with my husband and I. Constant touching, prodding, tickling, squeezing cheeks, nudging, wrestling and so on... nothing hurtful or spiteful, just "full on" all the time. He's a nightmare in situations where he has to sit in close proximity to people or standing to line-up for something. We've tried talking to him about "hands to yourself" and respecting people's personal space and observing a "bubble" but he just doesn't seem to get it.

[NotnOtter]

Amberleaf - psychiatrist and clinical pysychologist beg to differ with you

[Selks]

I would suggest up his opportunities for physical activity a lot. He needs to tire himself out physically more. This won't sort everything out of course but I think it will help.

[AmberLeaf]

Like when people say 'oh im really OCD about stuff like that'

What they mean is they like things done a certain way, that is not the same as having OCD.

[AmberLeaf]

catawampus

If you are on the spectrum...you are on the spectrum.

Having 'traits' or types of behaviors does not mean you are on the spectrum.

[catawampus]

I'm not wanting to hijack, or be provocative in any way, but that interpretation of the autism spectrum does mean that there is a cut-off point - a line, with people either side.

I'm not just speculating idly, either - it affects me directly.

[AmberLeaf]

Notanotter No we are not

When people say crap like that they are talking about 'traits'

Autism is when those 'traits' are so great they are an impairment.

That is not the case for the majority of people with those 'traits'

Its like saying 'Im a bit blind' when in reality you're just slightly shortsighted and couldnt possibly have a clue what life is like for a blind person.

'we are all a little bit autistic' is extremely patronising and IMO is just about downplaying autism. trying to say as if its something that everyone has to deal with, bollocks is it.

[NotnOtter]

Merry - he does sound a lot like one of my DS and the TV thing does not sound like an issue to me...

Errrr i would just start being a bit more 'on the case' really. Stopping the slightly wild - in your face behavious - move down to his level - hold him still - gain eye contact - get him to repeat why you are stopping him to be sure he 'gets it' and processes it etc etc etc whilst on the other hand working hard on the positives . Commeneding calm behaviours - comment to dp or ( i even use fake phonecalls when the child is in earshot) - 'have you heard how hard DS has been working - he's been so quiet and calm we are all so proud of him' sort of thing. Include the teacher in your praise ie when dp comes in ' I could tell how pleased mrs doodaa was with DS today - he has played so nicely with no fighting'

it all feels a bit fake and faux but it soon makes them feel good and then the discipline works so much better as they feel they've let themselves down....

The sleep thing i do think is worth working on - again all the simple stuff - calm calm calm in the hour before bed - not too many silly rituals ( our ds with ishoos was a horror for them 19,000 toys lined up in duvet. duvet rolled up just so...no ticking things in room ....' try to get it down to simple one toy etc - less fuss

Sleep breeds sleep so once it's started try to forgo nights away or changes for a while

I often find food a good sleep inducer - milky drinks or rice pudding for supper - just for a while.

All this sounds like hard work for a lovely laid back mum but in the end you are hoping to make his life calmer and happier and make him well liked amoungst his peers so it will all be worth it imo

My children following the ds with the problems were brought up very differently and have been much calmer boys hth

[catawampus]

Are we, or aren't we?

Tis an interesting debate.

[NotnOtter]

amberleaf errrr 'yes we are'

[MerryMarigold]

bbcessex. Not sure about the wit part, but he has plenty of energy and exuberance and joy and excitability! Yes, I do need to focus more on that (his Reception TA said to me: he must be the happiest child on the planet in the early days of YR)...though it got rather lost after January last year.

One thing I noticed about him today is that he has a very low awareness of personal space with his friends. He is really 'in your face' with them, lots of hands near their faces and touching etc.

[MerryMarigold]

Hi NotanOtter (why did you change your name? Was it ages ago?!). Any info on sleep be much appreciated. He doesn't use computer a huge amount yet and doesn't watch a lot of TV in the week as he is out so much of the day, but we do have it on a lot on Sat mornings and Sun afternoons. He used to watch a lot more when he was at Nursery yet his sleep was a lot better than now. When he is more 'hyper'(in his way that is stressed/ over tired) he can't even watch TV and tends to go to his room and play lego/ blocks or 'organise' everything in his room into lines and symmetrical patterns! It seems to be his 'wind-down' thing to do.

[bbcessex]

Children with ADHD can absolutely have calm, settled periods. It's a misconception that they are 'hyper' all the time.

Your son sounds like a lovely, lively little boy Marigold. He is very very young... I would be tempted to Give it a while and see how it goes.

My DS sounded just like yours... He was diagnosed with ADHD aged 9.. No medication given. But he's 12 now, and a much calmer character, so we no longer think the diagnosis was correct (although we did at the time).

With hindsight, i wish i'd focussed on DS's postive traits more, rather than despairing and seeking conformity. Energy, wit, exuberance and natural comedy are what your DS seems to have an abundance of. Traits worth keeping ... They'll stand him in good stead when he's older!!

[AmberLeaf]

We are all on the autistic spectrum in one way or another

Er no we are not

[NotnOtter]

Sorry - feeling a bit poorly but have read most of thread and wanted to give some advice

I see you mention sleep and early waking. I have read a lot of research on sleep and ADD type behaviours. Can you work on that and see if he improves at all?? How much time does he spend watching TV or on computer games as again I found this impacted on one of my dcs attention span....

You sound very caring I do hope you manage to resolve rhis

[levantine]

My DS is a year younger, so in reception, but sounds exactly like yours. We had our first parents evening last week, which was a replica of every nursery evening we had ever been to - DS still hits people, wets himself, won't listen etc

I was really upset by this, as that sounded to me like the behaviour of quite a disturbed child - what is normal at 2 ish should surely be gone by now (not saying your DS is disturbed at all)

We stopped telling DS off, stopped shouting and nagging and praise him to the roof for every little thing. I thought we had been doing that before, but we hadn't really been putting much thought into how we handled him if I'm really honest or what the impact must have been on his confidence. Anyway a week on and his behaviour is much much improved