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Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Primary education

I feel really guilty

37 replies

ilovepesto · 23/09/2011 17:37

I'm not sure why I'm posting here, well it is school related. I hope no one minds if I do a bit of off loading. I've been getting really fed up that every time I pick up DS I get taken aside to be told about his bad behaviour. I never had any problems before and I get the feeling this carer (it's after school club) doesn't much like my DS. He was really anxious when I picked him up and started pacing and crying, he was really incoherent and I couldn't understand what was going on. Anyway, the lady at after school club said that DS has hurt another child, I asked for more info, she said 'you know what he's like', I said no I don't know what he's like you'll have to tell me, she then said well loses and his temper and hits out. I then went on to say I wasn't happy that she was always so negative about my DS, she ended the conversation and said she would speak to the head. She's a nice lady but I do feel she has a thing about my DS. I had absolutely no bother until she started, now it's just constant. My DS is a pain and no angel by any means, but I don't know what to do about this woman. I feel anxious every time I pick DS up and when I see her. I'd really value some tips on how to make things better between me and the lady from club.

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snailoon · 26/09/2011 13:30

You don't sound the least bit aggressive and difficult. Some schools ARE very cliquey and never admit that there's a problem with a staff member. It sounds like this has come out of the blue, and I would be outraged if I were you. I think the after-school club should have worked with you to find a solution, not just thrown him out.
On the other hand maybe the fact he is misbehaving means he needs a more peaceful after-school atmosphere, perhaps home with a teenage babysitter, or with a relative.

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ScarlettIsWalking · 26/09/2011 13:39

You poor lady - you have been given some great advice here. I really hope things improve for your son.

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ilovepesto · 26/09/2011 13:51

Hi Happy, he's 9. I think you're probably right, there's probably been a range of issues that haven't been relayed to me and you may be right that the lady who gives the negative feedback may be the one now relaying it. It's not the relaying of the information it's the way it's relayed. I find her very judgemental, but as Indigo said, I need to put my feelings to one side and get on with being solution focused. I intend to hopefully speak to the SENCO and then hopefully reach a joint way of managing things. Although I have to confess I feel as if that option has gone now. I'm still feeling a bit raw from today and I think I'd rather start afresh with a new carer and possibly a new school. I dont' know. I'm just thinking about it at the moment. I'll probably feel completely different when I've slept on it.

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cjbartlett · 26/09/2011 13:56

Maybe a childminder would be better? He might be happier in a homely environment

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mummytime · 26/09/2011 14:00

ilovepesto I know exactly how you feel. Twice I have had to bit my tongue not to tell a teacher "if you can't deal with my child I will just HE them". And a few other occasions I have been tempted. However a big decision, such as HE needs to be taken calmly with a lot of thought.
In your case it would be awful to jump out of the frying pan into the fire.
Find out if his teachers have any issues with his behaviour, if not what is different about the after school club? How well trained are the staff?
If he has issues in school too, then why haven't you been informed, and what joint strategies are going to be put in place to deal wit his behaviour? You might also want a GP appointment to request a hearing test etc. just in case.

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crazygracieuk · 26/09/2011 14:43

I think that you have received some good advice already so I won't x-post but I would also talk to your son about after school club and what happens there.
I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out that the children who complained to their mums about your ds missed out important information when retelling their story. Little things that happen during the course of a school day like a dispute about whether a goal scored at playtime was offside or not can end up in huge arguments and ill-feeling.

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crazygracieuk · 26/09/2011 14:46

It sounds like you have been caught be surprise. One minute it sounds like he's going through a phase of being argumentative and suddenly the head is asking you to leave.

I would lay your cards on the table and tell the head that you want to work with the school and it would be helpful if a log was kept about your ds behaviour so that you have an accurate picture of how he is behaving.

You also mentioned in an earlier post that you were going through a lot of other stressful things. Could these be affecting your son? In which case I'd be asking for the school to support you and your son in the knowledge that he is going through a time of needing more support.

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ilovepesto · 27/09/2011 19:21

Hi all, a quick up date. I humbly rang the Head and requested we work towards a positive way forward. She was very sympathetic and kind, although did say that she didn't think the club would have my DS back due to a break down in relationship with me. I diplomatically put it to her that my DS shouldn't be punished because I'm viewed as being difficult. Anyway, they've agreed to meet with me to agree a way forward but my DS is not allowed back yet. I've reflected and accept I haven't dealt with things as well as I could and perhaps my own life stresses have impacted on my ability to be objective. Thanks everyone for your kind words and support. I will keep everyone up to date. Fingers crossed for me.

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ScarlettIsWalking · 27/09/2011 20:19

God luck to you - well done for handling it so calmly and humbly.

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IndigoBell · 27/09/2011 22:11

Good luck.

I hope this is all resolved, and your DS can go back to after school club.

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happychappy · 29/09/2011 07:14

pesto, good luck.

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DownbytheRiverside · 29/09/2011 07:25

I do hope you can resolve this through discussion and identifying what the real issues are.
One of the things that I don't think has been mentioned is that the after-school club will be under great pressure from other parents who are paying for their children to attend and want their children to be happy and safe.
So they could have been fielding complaints for a while, along with threats of children being withdrawn. Yes, the ASC should be inclusive, and I do hope that they see sense.
I'm a bit [shocked] that suddenly you are being faced with the revelation that you are seen as difficult and aggressive. It shouldn't have been just dumped on you as an opinion.
But if a parent is seen in that light, it often means that the school and ASC doubt that they will be willing to work cooperatively to reach a resolution.
So it is easier to say 'I don't think this is the right place for you or your son'