DD12 losing interest at school

[DirtyThree]

She’s always been bright with good grades and never had to really persevere. Things have got tougher this year (we live abroad) and her grades are slipping and she’s just not interested. She’ll do the minimum and blags us when we ask about homework or tests by saying she’s done it or it’s a test you can’t revise for, or she’ll rush through it, and then comes back with mediocre/poor grades.

We’ve talked about effort, and how that’s the most important thing, to try her hardest. We’ve talked about making choices that make her feel good afterwards, we’ve talked about good habits, and that she needs to choose what kind of person she wants to be and then walk the talk.

She seems to understand this, then doesn’t apply herself. Teachers have said the same.

Its soooo frustrating. And more importantly I want her self-chat to be positive, whereas I fear she’s going down the self-sabotage route like I did!

She doesn’t yet have a phone but does have a tablet though no screens allowed in the week… She loves her sport and music and practices them without asking and gets really in the zone with them. School is a bit bland here but we’ve talked also about how you’ve got to just crack on and do what you need to do. So I don’t expect her to love love love it but she’s doing the bare minimum which just feels a terrible habit to get into.

Has anyone else been through this and come out the other side with a conscientious kid who puts in the decent effort? How do you instill that sense of commitment and ownership? How do you help them create good habits and apply themselves??

[ToveJanssonsWife]

We’ve talked about effort, and how that’s the most important thing, to try her hardest. We’ve talked about making choices that make her feel good afterwards, we’ve talked about good habits, and that she needs to choose what kind of person she wants to be and then walk the talk.

Not many 12 yr olds have the maturity to grasp this concept (plenty of adults don’t either!) so I wonder if you’re expecting a little too much of her on this front?

If school is bland there’s probably little to motivate her.

Can you utilise her interests to help her to spark some passion and joy in anything? Not necessarily something academic, and definitely not in a way that kills the passion.

If she can follow her interests with encouragement but at a pace that suits her, not the adults around her, it’s more likely to teach her to find a way to motivate herself.

[DirtyThree]

I don’t know how else to talk about it on a relatable level.

School is definitely dry and a bit uninspiring tbh but it’s our only option. If you’re a kid who just cracks on, then it’s great but she is just bored and disengaged I think. So I feel somehow she’s got to learn to combat that and do it anyway. Develop some grit to just get through it, otherwise I worry she’ll just sink lower and lower.

She loves her sport and music hobbies and does them without prodding at all. And she enjoys them and we talk about progress and look hoe the practice makes a difference etc etc.

But she’s just not motivated for school work. She does do her homework but whizzes through as fast as she can. For tests she’ll put off revision then do badly (surprise surprise) but doesn’t seem to be making the connection that effort = better marks despite the fact that when we do pin her down to do it, she does make an effort the proof is very clearly in the pudding with good results.

She’s just coasting, and may have been able to get away with it before but now isn’t, but seems to have accepted that this is it.

And in the school system here they stream heavily and it does impact on their options in the future.

It’s so frustrating to watch. And even more so as I was similar. Never had to try so when the time came that I needed to try, I guess I didn’t know how, so just sunk lower and lower into an ashamed state of low self-confidence. I don’t want the same for her.