10 yo daughter please help

[Coffeecoffeecoffee29]

Hi
I need some advice please, my 10 yo girl has the worse mood swings.
Shes quite bright and very good in school it's just the outbursts can be over anything!
When she's having a melt down she speaks to me like I am scum she swears at me has called me a bi*ch before now and then sometimes takes her frustrations out at her little sister which makes me get angrier at her I can calm myself pretty quickly but she triggers me something rotton. I've tried everything I take things away but now she's throwing stuff around the house I don't want this behaviour infront of her little sister. I am writing this crying because I'm so frustrated and then have I made her like this? I had serious pnd with her as a baby and was diagnosed ocd and recently suffering from depression due to Illnesses however I have hidden this from them maybe.
She has had camhs emotional sessions, called worry warriors she did well, I do pamper nights with my girls and we do emotional well-being activities so I know they can talk to me about anything. every 2 months we have one on one dates so they both get time alone with me. They are polite girls and have manners but no one sees this behaviour just me and when I speak to their dad for some support I don't think he sees how bad these melt downs get. Should I seek gp guidance? Is there something I can try at home? I dont think she has special needs or anything, sometimes I think its because she's very self aware so maybe she's just going through the motions and very directly! Help me please!

[Heather3308]

Hi, so very sorry you are going through this with your DD. Alot of it could be hormones, she is now at the age of starting puberty if she has not already started and that brings a surge in new feelings, emotions and not having the adult mind of how to deal with them. The next few years might be a bit rough but might calm down more as she bears starting her periods. My thoughts are with you. Xxx

[Vickytick]

i can totally empathise with you as we are going through the same thing with our 10 year old. She can be a nightmare - fine one minute then screaming at me the next. I’ve tried talking to her calmly and asking why she does this and she says she doesn’t know but is deeply regretful soon after. I found myself triggered due to my childhood and the way my mum dealt with me. There was an old post on here back to 2017 where someone had a similar problem. She got a few good tip from others .. One was to just ignore the behaviour and walk away. I know that is b**y hard as they follow you and keep going. We are persevering with that one and it’s getting slightly easy - my husband and I both had good and bad days where we are better at this. Sometimes it’s like she wants a fight so walking away doesn’t give her airtime. Easier said than done. The other is not to take everything away. We are quite bad at just taking stuff the more she carries on. They say don’t do that but once they’ve calmed down talk about consequences and then give a small one like no phone for the rest of the night. We try really hard to forget the argument once she has come out of it and not let it linger which is also easier said than done as I wouldn't let anyone else get away with it. I do think our daughter’s is hormones and not sen issues. I started at 11 and I had a lot of problems with pms and mood swings which weren’t picked up till I was an adult with infertility issues I was labelled a difficult child/ teenager and I’m 50 now. I’m hoping we can ride it out but when it’s everyday is tough and exhausting. Good luck and feel free to pm me.

[CadyEastman]

Not giving a reaction straightaway is good advice and also talking calmly about punishment afterwards.

However if it does turn out she has SN neither of theses might work, I know that they definitely didn't for my DD.

Are you getting help with your depression @Coffeecoffeecoffee29, she will definitely know that you're not your usual self. Kids can be super sensitive to changes in the way you react and behave.

I'd also recommend reading Untangled.

Your DD might find The Feelings Book helpful too.

[Vickytick]

How are you getting on @Coffeecoffeecoffee29 ?

[menopausalmare]

My daughter is 10 and, although we're not getting abuse like you are, we get tears and outbursts if we suggest going out for walks or leaving the house.
She is happiest if cocooned in her room, playing Roblox and chatting with friends online.
We are limiting sugar and screen time and pushing through the tears and going out anyway.
She will not set the agenda. I worry she'll become more isolated and enter school refuser territory if we're not careful.
My mum had an expression when I was young - she would leave me to stew in my own juices but we always had a hug afterwards.
With your daughter I would limit screen time and sugar, get out for regular exercise, do nice things together when she in a good mood to build relationships, leave her to stew if she's moody, firm boundaries and consequences for bad behaviour and lots of hugs.

[twistyizzy]

@menopausalmare

My daughter is 10 and, although we're not getting abuse like you are, we get tears and outbursts if we suggest going out for walks or leaving the house.
She is happiest if cocooned in her room, playing Roblox and chatting with friends online.
We are limiting sugar and screen time and pushing through the tears and going out anyway.
She will not set the agenda. I worry she'll become more isolated and enter school refuser territory if we're not careful.
My mum had an expression when I was young - she would leave me to stew in my own juices but we always had a hug afterwards.
With your daughter I would limit screen time and sugar, get out for regular exercise, do nice things together when she in a good mood to build relationships, leave her to stew if she's moody, firm boundaries and consequences for bad behaviour and lots of hugs.

I would agree with the getting them out in the fresh air. DD (12) from being a toddler would always choose sitting indoors to going out. We had the battles early on and now fresh air + exercise are non-negotiables however we still need to drag her out on some days. It is so important for pre-teens/teens to get out and have exercise etc for their mental and physical health otherwise yes the danger is that they stew away in their rooms.