Has Anyone Actually Cracked The Problem of Communicating with Pre-teens/Teens?

[Rekka]

I feel truly stuck - unsure what to do with my 11yo.

Would appreciate any experience sharing in having gone through the challenge of communicating with a pre-teen/teen and eventually found a way to make it work?

DC has had heavily relied on my telling him what to do and what not to do for many many years and was almost always cooperative. More so than normal children, as he's ND (ADHD). And in the foreseeable future, he would still need lots of daily reminders/hand-held helps for basic stuff that comes easily to other children.

But on the other hand, he started pushing back on my suggestions/interventions. I appreciate the old pattern is not sustainable and he needs to find his own voice/independence. I understand I shall start pulling back and giving him space. I'm all for a transition into a new communication style based on mutual respects. But he seems to be too young incapable to articulate for himself for any meaningful discussion! Not sure if it's because of his adhd or it's a boy thing, he really can't articulate about his own feelings.

I have to say that the beginning of those typical "attitudes" unbearable. A small unpleasant exchange this afternoon made me feel angry and sad at the same time. I tried to not let my emotion betray me, but in the end I was in floods of tears in front of two DCs for a good half an hour ... just couldn't hold back. I explained to DH later on that it's like a mountain to carry for the next 7+ years and I just don't know how to do it. I want to do my job as a mum, but I'm so afraid that I'd mess it up as finding the right balance is looking so unlikely...

Anyone has had similar experience? Have you found the way forward?

[Rekka]

Bump...

[notknowledgeable]

There isn't really a way of communicating with teens that is different to communicating with other age humans, just talk to them like you would like to be spoken to.

What is the actual problem?

[idontlikealdi]

What exactly is the problem? Your reaction sounds very over dramatic.

If he needs reminders for things can he schedule Alexa reminders?

[Octavia64]

It'll be a long time before he is able to articulate in words how he feels and for you two to have an adult conversation about it.

Teens and pre teens (and many adults as well) communicate through behaviour. He is communicating that he wants some space and an opportunity to make his own mistakes.

You need to decide what is non-negotiable and therefore you are going to enforce (teeeh cleaning, showers reasonably often etc) and what you are going to let go.

[Houseplantmad]

I always found taking when walking or driving a distance was the best way of discussing any issues. It made DCs feel less got at than being tackled head on in an emotional way that did no good at all.

[WASZPy]

If he needs reminders for essential tasks, set up reminders on his phone. You can get apps designed for neurodiverse people to help them with daily schedules.

Texting works well for many teenagers struggling with their words. The car is a good place for a conversation too, if it's just you and them.

[Happyinarcon]

It helped when I started playing roblox with my kid, because we could genuinely have conversations about things they were interested in. It’s not for everyone, but it was ridiculous fun

[ChiefEverythingOfficer]

Choose your battles.

Before bed is always better than before or during dinner for teen conversations - there is a magic hour about 10.30pm when they are on the hunt for snacks that almost always results in a chat.

Text messages with humour drive home some of my housekeeping rules.

Listen when not asked to, with intent.

After a certain age - about 15 in our house, I stopped with directives. I ask and discuss. It's a far less fraught way to communicate.

Keep on being Mum - no matter how old they are,they love the odd treat, quiet moment (or at least mine so).

[MrsLeonFarrell]

As others have mentioned, with boys it's best to talk whilst doing something else like driving or walking or washing up so that you are not facing them. Sitting eye to eye can make opening up harder.

I have one child who prefers to communicate hard stuff via What's app and one who shuffles into the bedroom at 10 pm and mumbles 'can we talk?' and then sits next to me both of us facing forward. Both of them chat more in the car or on a walk

I found these ways by constantly (as in throughout their lives) telling them that I'm here for anything they want to discuss and asking them how they prefer to discuss things. It also helps to respond to any opening, however upsetting, fairly neutrally so they don't have to manage my emotions as well as their own.

If he's talked in the past he will in the future, you might just need to tweak how together.

[Rekka]

Thank you for so many tips. I know there's no one single formula guaranteed to work with any DC. But it's good to hear what options out there and get reminded about some basic rules to follow.

1. choose the battle, allow them to make mistakes.
   I kept thinking how to find the balance. Bigger decisions need a discussion or we as parents have to make the call but laying down the reasons (have to accept they may not always agree!)
   
   
2. find hobbies that allows spending good time together.
   We are already working on it. I will also introduce him some of my interests and see if he'd grow into it too.
   
   We have a very good relationship in normal days. But I know I can't take it for granted. So finding new ways to keep growing our bond is important.
   
   
3. talking while doing things together.
   
   I was told about this regularly. But found multitasking quite hard for me, certainly not when I'm driving. 😂 But started trying when we do boardgames together.
   Not sure if my being overly sensitive, I felt as soon as I throw a question in, he raised his internal alarm.
   
   
4. via text, keep it short and concise.
   I will keep this in mind when he starts using his phone more regularly.
   
   
5. try not to load them with my own emotions.
   This is really my weakness! I'm loaded with emotions and often find myself stuck if I don't talk about it! But I see what you mean, remaining calm could help them to process what's going on and their own feelings without unwanted pressure/distractions.
   
   
6. listen without judging.
   This is the hardest! I need to find a way when it's the right situation to just listen and when it's the time to give gentle advice. But so far, I am pretty much clueless. Shall I ask them if they want my input? Would that alone put them off? 😵‍💫 What if for example, they did something while hurting others without knowing? Shall I point it out?
   
   
7. humour.
   Some poster mentioned humour. I became aware it's a very effective tool to diffuse tension and earn a pair of ears. Funny though, over years, I realised that I can be humourous at work or with other, but not with my own family! Just too stressed all the time!
   
   
8. telling them that I'm here for anything they want to discuss and asking them how they prefer to discuss things.
   Good advice! Thank you!