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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

Feeling sad about losing the cuteness

13 replies

mumuseli · 30/01/2024 11:24

So, what everyone warned me would happen has finally happened! My DS (12) has changed from being really close and affectionate to me, to a typical preteen/teen who wants a lot of distance from this mama! I do realise this is a totally normal stage, so I guess I'm just seeking some empathy (plus reassurance that some of the closeness will come back) from you guys who have been through/are going through this. I'm doing my best to give him his space and more independence, while still reminding him to be respectful when he is snappy and rude towards me (as he often is now).
Sometimes (privately of course) I get so emotional about this, eg thinking of little things like how the past times of him holding my hand, rushing to hug me etc are gone. 😪 Am I a totally soppy sap, or have many of you also felt this way?
Also, I'm finding it hard that he is really favouring his dad at the moment, quite blatantly. It's kind of galling, as he is still really affectionate with his dad, and I feel I'm the one who has been more involved in the parenting over the years. I'm trying to let that go, and accept that it's normal that he is looking more to a male role model at the mo... also I feel that it's easier for DS to reject me as my love probably comes across to him as more unconditional, whereas I think DS has often felt he has to 'win' his dad's approval. I mean it might not all be cos of that - I do realise it could also be that he's finding me more annoying than his dad, as I'm not so 'cool' and laidback!

Any commiserations and advice welcome!

OP posts:

ObviouslySerious · 21/04/2024 22:34

Hi op.
How are things now?
I'm currently going through this with my dd who is also 12. I'm finding I'm feeling very emotional when I see her be moody towards me and her father and siblings. We used to all have a laugh together but now it's all changed. I'm sad when I think of how things used to be.

CadyEastman · 22/04/2024 17:15

Some of it does come back. Some if it will depend on how your DH/DP treats you and their DM.

Your DS is unlikely to rush to you for a hug in front of anyone but that doesn't mean you can't have the odd hug.

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/04/2024 17:46

I'm going through this too. My son just turned 13 and had a massive personality transplant overnight. I've been through this before with my daughter and I know it passes but she's left home now and it's just the two of us and I feel really sad at how disconnected he is (unless he wants something!). Also the moods! Good GOD. It is all complicated with SEN. Fun times! I think we just have to hang in there!

CadyEastman · 22/04/2024 17:51

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/04/2024 17:46

Have you shown them the sketch where Kevin turns 13 and literally changes before his parents eyes? Mine laughed rather sheepishly at that one

usernother · 22/04/2024 18:20

He shouldn't be rude to you OP. Being a teen isn't an excuse for that. Nip it in the bud now.

SallyWD · 22/04/2024 18:49

I can relate to this. DD is 13 and was such a lovely little girl. Now she's a typical teenager and I'm clearly just an embarrassing nuisance to her. I had a real sense of grief for ages but occasionally she's lovely again and like her old self. You just have to ride the waves. It's true that they come back to us.

Kerflapperty · 26/04/2024 22:09

Ooh I'm here too, she's nearly 12 and it's happening. I've felt a bit of grief as we've all moved on to the next phase (I remember this when we moved out of babyhood too!). I'm also sad for the dynamic between siblings changing. Her younger sister has lost a buddy too.

OnTheSeaShore · 26/04/2024 22:14

My DS is 14 and has changed so gradually that I didn't really notice the hormonal effects until I watched a toddler video the other day and was struck by how much he laughed and smiled. Oh and the eye contact! He's still a gorgeous 14 year old, but yes I completely empathise.

rzb · 27/04/2024 07:41

CadyEastman · 22/04/2024 17:51

Have you shown them the sketch where Kevin turns 13 and literally changes before his parents eyes? Mine laughed rather sheepishly at that one

Show quote history

Good call - I've pre-emptively shown my pre-teen so he will get the reference should we call him 'Kevin' in future.

twohotwaterbottles · 27/04/2024 08:21

Hey OP. Sending a hug firstly. There's a great Facebook account called raising teens today. I've found it really good.

www.facebook.com/HonestTeenTalk

I have twins DD DS who are 13 in a few weeks. As hard as it is, I focus on their needs. I really think it's much harder for them than when I was that age. Mostly due to social media etc. I cut them some slack but challenge out and out rudeness. I try and stay calm. When things go a bit pear shaped I wait until it's all calm and then call a family chat. Ask them questions. Tell them how it's made me feel. Sometimes it goes well. Sometimes they're monosyllabic. Above all, just be there for them. Support them. Be kind. Be consistent. They still love you the same and you will make them feel secure in your love for them. They need you more than ever. Tell you what I find works. I have my best chats in the car. The side by side approach works well as it's not too much for them. I have some of my best chats like this. Dead casual although I've planned what I need to say for days 😂. I'm a single full time working mum so don't always get it right. Make sure you do things for you too. Running, gym, whatever. Good luck OP. Hang tough and hunker down. You've got this. ❤️

Kerflapperty · 27/04/2024 09:36

@twohotwaterbottles lovely post. I agree with car chats, we have a fairly long school drive and I get most of both kids on the drive. I'm a co-parent/ single parent working full time, so I constantly feel like I don't have my eye on the ball. But where their dad pushes them quite hard and is a stickler for rules (seen and unseen rules) I'm a bit more chilled, but let them know the limits. It's a bloody jungle out there for them.

Original poster

mumuseli · 06/05/2024 08:40

Thanks for the replies all. When I wrote my O.P it was getting me down quite a lot, but - like many changes in life - I've adjusted to the new normal! Also, things have actually improved recently in terms of DS and I getting on a bit better again. I think what helped was 1.) Me giving him space. 2.) Me making it clear that rudeness is not on! 3.) Focusing on the activities that he does still like to do with me, and just making the most of that. 4.) Having some humour about it 😊
I do still miss the affection though! Ah well - I do realise this is all the natural course and part of their path to independence 😌

OP posts:

Lilactimes · 18/05/2024 11:49

It does come back!! How quickly depends a little on them but also how you’ve handled parenting a teen which is very different to parenting a child before the hormones kick in.
being there but not in their faces; showing an interest in their newer interests (music/ YouTube content/ gaming) giving them space when they need it, staying calm and being their rock whilst they flail around and come to terms with their new feelings and body; above all a big sense of humour whilst letting the little things go… all part of making the bond closer in a different but ultimately just as wonderful way xx

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