Worried about daughters friendships

[albairlanda]

Disclaimer: I had difficult time growing up. Alcoholic mother and very aggressive and unkind father. Didn't get a lot of advice from then on friendships and didn't have a lot of friends until I was about 15. Even then I struggled a lot with feeling left out or excluded occasionally and worried a lot about that. As well as that I have memories of very high maintenance friends who I always worried we're mad at me.

My daughter will be 12 soon. I've always worried about her friendships. It's never seemed to come naturally to her. She can be quite inflexible when doesn't get own way but also is very sweet and loyal. In primary school towards end of year 5 she ended up in a group that worked reasonable well. Lots of parties and sleepovers and when she got a phone, lots of WhatsApp groups. Roll to the end of year 7 of high school. The group has disbanded. Pretty severe fall out but one of the girls was very unkind so she was glad. The rest of the girls seem to have solidified friendships with new girls they've met and have seen them out of school etc. my daughter remains friends with 2 primary school girls and sees them out of school but often arranged via parents. She has met new friends but not to see out of school. It hasn't happened yet. She walks to school with people and also has people to eat lunch with and seems quite happy. She's definitely between friendship groups though and doesn't have one that she is part of. Just on the fringe. She's always noticed that people didn't send messages to just her on WhatsApp and wondered why, but now she's very upset as no one is messaging her phone ever at all, as she isn't in any active WhatsApp groups. She won't hear from anyone for weeks on her phone which is according to her not normal. She's never been a great responder and doesn't like sending videos to people which seems to be what lots bond over. She also doesn't have tik tok and is baffled by all that. As summer approaches I'm worried she will hear from no one for 6 weeks. I'm confused as she's a lovely, creative, bubbly and interesting little girl and not mean at all. Unsure why no one seems to want to do anything with her or message her when she comes home from school every day happily telling me all the chat and plans. I just reassure her that this will sort itself out and remind her that she does have friends. But I feel so awful that she's not making the cut to get invited to places etc. anyone got any experience of this?

Can she message 1 or 2 of her friends and suggest meeting up?

Perhaps she needs to be the one to make the first step.

Are her friends using different social media to communicate?

My DC at a similar age and all their peers communicate on Snapchat .

It might be worth her using different social media.

Perhaps this is a wee bit of ‘one’s self’ slightly sabotaging DD’s abilities to be entirely her own person, even though it appears to buck trends. How fantastic your teenage daughter isn’t obsessed with her phone and people that don’t deserve her. You shouldn’t be worried. You might want to encourage her to explore something her imagination is heading toward and not make this about you. Sorry to be blunt but you started by telling us about your incoherent upbringing. Open the line of communication about you wanting her to be happy and contented in her free time. This is the opportunity
to break a pattern of generational trauma. It’s not about anyone else, it’s about you and her. But mainly her. Let go!

I feel you, It's sad. My daughter currently has no friends after various friendship breakdowns.

She broke her phone a few weeks back but to be honest she hasn't missed it. I put her SIM card in an old phone just incase she got any messages she needed to know about (she can't have another phone as punishment for breaking the other one) but I've been checking it and she has had no messages at all.

There isn't a great deal you can do at their age. When they're little you can organise play dates etc, but all I can do is try to be her friend so she knows she is loved no matter what. We have lots of shopping trips, cinema etc. I also do "social skills" stuff with her every now and then... suggest conversation starters etc.

I wish she had some solid friends though that she felt part of a group, or even just one best mate..if I could choose between that and us winning the lottery I think I'd chose that at the moment!

Sorry no advice really but just so you know you aren't alone.

My DD is very similar. On the edge of a few friendship groups after some quite horrible bullying by a former 'friend' which still persists. She is finishing Y8 next week and doesn't have the confidence to ask anyone to celebrate her 13th birthday with over the summer holidays. I have been very sad for her, but like a previous poster, can only hope it will improve and in the meantime be there for her - try and build her confidence and have fun times with her myself. It seems to be so so hard to be a 12-16yr old these days.

@Blasé I think you're accurate here

Thanks for sharing @WalKat and @GreySweater ! We and our girls aren't alone. Hope things sort out for all

How did this turn out for you guys? We are in the depths of it here. New friends causing my DD to feel left out, all I can do is listen and encourage. She's such a great friend and tries so hard, but really struggles with bigger groups

@Raisinsandweetabix things were a bit better for my daughter from around May last year through to summer holidays but it's all gradually fallen apart again. She doesn't have a group, tags onto tables at lunchtime but people don't really talk to her much she says. Never any messages on her phone. Says everyone is in a group or a duo but her. Sad for her, but unsure how it can fix really, other than be endured. She hates going to school as has no one at lunchtime or break to talk to and in most classes is one without a partner. She does very well academically at least, and gets pride from that. She's baffled really by the posing and the make up etc. the things she finds interesting and exciting are not what other girls do. There's one girl in particular from primary who seems to make her feel especially crap and is always in competition with her for friendships, and always wins. She's had bad luck in her classes as hasn't met anyone kind and is getting quite badly made fun of in some. Think it could've been different had she had different classes. I do worry about a lonely summer for her.

Thankyou for replying. I'm sorry it's not going well with your situation. To see them so desperate to have a group is heartbreaking. Already dreading the return to school next week

Hi. Not really sure to be honest. She's hardly mentioned friendships so I'm just leaving it rather than irritate her with questions. Only a matter of time I'm sure 😬

Wil she gets involved in after school groups at school or outside of school groups Iike cadets etc now she's older where she can meet other children from her school and have the friendship develop both in and out of school.

Looking into this currently. She does do school clubs but nothing other than acquaintances have come from this.

Have her on wait list for nhs cadets. She did guides drama etc all with school friends. My error doing it like that.

She does a lot of swimming but no friendships have blossomed beyond pool.

Considering starting her in a sport as she does love sport but she's always anxious people have already formed their groups before she joins

My daughter does rugby, I appreciate not everyone likes it as a sport but it's a lot safer than it uses to be and girls rugby tends to be slower paced anyway. Girls tend to come to it later andits almost the end of the season so most clubs have a bit of a break and then go back and do loads of team building activities so it's a good time to start.

I would also sign her up for activity classes during the summer at the local ski slope / outdoor adventure type place that cater for older children so she's not alone all summer and has some structure.

It sounds to me like these people are not on her frequency - she just needs to find her own tribe - that won't happen through a phone, but through a sport or other outside interest.

Just read back that she is into sport. The world is your oyster in that case. She sounds like she's on a different maturity level to the girls she was mixing with before. It takes maturity to realise having your head stuck in a phone as your "social life" is a waste of your life.

My DD struggled in yr 7&8 but found a nice steady friend group in yr9.
Kids grow and mature at different rates and it can be very marked in these years.
DD is autistic and was definitely 'younger' than her peers and very unsure around social behaviours.
What helped was a solid and happy home, outside interests which fostered confidence and self esteem and space to grow up.