Daughter sayin hurtful things about me

[KittyRockstar]

I found out last night my dd (11) has been saying hurtful things about me at school to my niece and her friends. She has been calling me a bitch, saying she wants me to go away and wants something to happen to me. I am in pieces. Has anyone any advice on what to do next? She is staying with her Dad tonight. Should I punish her? Talk to her? Ask her why?

[KatyCarrCan]

Awe Kitty maybe everyone was complaining about their parents, maybe your niece is trying to pre-empt your DD carrying back a story about your niece, maybe everyone there was older and your DD was trying to appear more grownup ... There are lots of ways that this might not have been about you at all.

[KittyRockstar]

@KatyCarrCan I don't mind being the bad guy if I've earned it but this was a real kick in the teeth! Maybe I am taking this to heart too much. I am surprised to hear her talk about me like that after what her Dad has put me through. I thought we were closer than that and I've tried to bring her up to talk to me if anything is bothering her

[Namechangerejsjs1239]

What @KatyCarrCan said totally agree>
We did this with our eldest, now 17 - if he didn’t fancy doing something but didn’t want to lose face he’d blame me or his dad as said we didn’t allow him. He had permission to do this as it got him out of situations he didn’t fancy.

Ultimately with your DD I’d forget you were even told it to be honest, who knows where the truth is, but she won’t have meant it.

Chances are she know the 14 year old has told you and will be expecting you to kick off and will be on best behaviour. The worrying if how you,I gut react is punishment enough.

It won’t be the first time and won’t be the last, teens are a minefield to navigate for both your dd and you

[KatyCarrCan]

Oops, forgot to add, giving them permission to blame me to get out of stuff - was a tip I picked up on here. It works really well. If they want to stop playing a game online or don't want to go somewhere ( eg a sleepover) or want to end an awkward conversation, they'll say I've told them to come off/end it, etc. It's very helpful until they learn to navigate situations themselves. Plus by giving them permission to paint you as the 'baddie', it might take the sting out of it when they do it.

[KatyCarrCan]

Oh, your niece is sneaky. I'd be careful not to reward your niece for betraying confidences and being sanctimonious. I can guarantee she will have said less than complimentary things about her own parents at some point but she's carrying tales to try to deny your DD a treat. Why don't you and your DD get your nails done together instead?

fwiw I have an 11-yr-old. I have no idea what they say about me to their friends but I'd expect it includes moaning about how mean I am, how I'm too strict, how they can't wait till they're old enough to leave home, etc, etc. It's my job to make their life difficult. But I've also told them, they can blame me for stuff they don't want to do or to get out of peer-pressure situations. I don't need their friends to like me.

[KittyRockstar]

It was my niece who is 14 who told me. They were supposed to be getting their nails done together tonight and she said I'm surprised you're letting her have them done after what she's said about you, then told me what she had said.
Her Dad and I separated 6 1/2 years ago and I know she's not got over it, I've tried getting her help from the Dr and she sees a well being officer at school once a week. I guess I shouldn't take it personally and that she didn't mean what she said

[whereishappyat]

I adore my mum (I'm 30 now) we have always been really close, and I'm ashamed of the things I used to say about (and sometimes to) her! I wasn't a very nice teenager towards my mum even though she never did anything wrong. I don't know why I did it and I do carry the guilt even now. Teenage girls are raging walking hormones and they go through unexplained phases please don't take it personally. My girl is 10 now and I just hope and pray she doesn't behave like I did! Although I'm guessing karma is going to get me ha x

[KatyCarrCan]

Deep breath. Being in pieces is a massive over-reaction. You seem to be putting a lot of weight on teenage gossip. How did you find out? If it was from the niece who is a similar age, then I'd be wary. Cousins aren't always the most reliable and can have their own reasons for carrying tales back or for leading conversations in certain directions then pretending they're innocent.

None of this was meant to get back to you. It's fine for DCs to kick off about you behind your back. They could be blowing off steam. They could be trying to be 'cool' with their friends. They don't necessarily mean what they say.

I'd think carefully about whether you have to do anything at all. If she's displaying a bad attitude to you at home, then yy deal with it. But that's very different from bitching about you behind your back. Also think about whether she needs to know that she can't trust the people who carried it back.

[Techway]

Talk to her. Just get her side of the story. Try to be calm and not take it too personally.

How is the relationship with her Dad, is the separation recent?