Ds going out with his friends

[PollyPelargonium52]

My ds is 12 and is 13 in March. For a long long time he did not wish to socialise but this has totally changed of late!

He started going out with his cycling friends. I don't mind that group of people as for one they are all boys and they are from nice families bar one.

Ds has struck up a friendship with a girl and also her 'boyfriend'. The 'boyfriend' carries a knife and smokes weed and vapes. Ds admitted he tried the vape Fri evening. I dropped him off at the girl's house Fri and picked him up after a few hours as agreed.

He then announced he wished to go out with them again Sunday. Surely this is too much? He went out with a friend until 2 pm Saturday.

Every time I have to drop off and pick up in a way I don't mind as I can keep a bit of control maybe that way as they live too far from him.

I think the girl is a bit of a tomboy and has a lot of boys as friends. Her parents are very free with her and let her stay up all hours.

It would seem there are more from iffy families than good ones these days does anybody else find this?

Ds went to a very middle class primary school but for the past year or so since secondary I have found the general cross section of families is quite unimpressive. Perhaps this is just a sign of the age we are in?

Correct me if I sound like I come out of the stone ages.

It is a low middle town I am in and education isn't that great but luckily ds's secondary school is ranked one of the top ten in the county which is a bit heartening. Even so I am not very impressed with the backgrounds.

Perhaps I just need to wake up and realise such is society these days?

Ds just texted me today is Monday he wishes to see his female friend again tonight. I said not on a school night. I don't mind Fri/Sat/Sun please reassure me I am not from the dark ages and not being a dragon!!

This all comes as a bit of a shock to me as I only have one child and no ex to help and no family support so I just make it up as I go along.

Thanks for any insight.

[PollyPelargonium52]

Change that is an interesting theory. There were two choices of schools for ds when he changed school. The other school was once again a dead posh one like the primary school to be honest I was just relieved the school we picked was more ordinary. A parent commented once to me at drama class that there would be even more drugs at the posher school as the children have more money. It really got me wondering ... She had had four children so I tend to often go by the more experienced parents' opinions, and also that of experienced teachers who are in the know ...

[Graphista]

The problem is you've kept HIM in a bubble until now so these extreme friends are seen not as dangerous or unsuitable but exciting, adventurous, grown up, brave...

Your job as a parent is to prepare them for the world when they become adults. You need to talk to him about what good friends are like and what people who pretend to be friends are like. But then I had this discussion with dd prior to primary school so you'll have to adjust it for his age.

Talk to him about EVERYTHING, very true that if you listen to the small things they'll tell you the big things.

Give him some more freedom but with boundaries which you adjust as he gets older.

I must admit my dd had more freedom quite young compared to many (but not all) of her friends but what some of the other parents didn't understand was that I hadn't just let her run wild I had prepared her and there were boundaries (which were clear and she knew) and I was never a pushover in terms of eg 1 min past curfew meant she was grounded the following day and she KNEW I would follow through. She also knew very clearly what I considered acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.

She did have a friendship at one point that was very tricky but we are out the other side now and she's learnt from it.

She has an excellent group of friends now who are lovely and well behaved and they go all over the place together (16/17 year olds though but - you build to that point)

As for the comment re only wanting him to be friends with boys - you seriously need to get over that right now! He needs to learn how to interact with and behave around girls for all sorts of reasons!

Does he do any group after school activities? Sports, hobbies, scouts? Great way to develop socially.

[Changerofname987654321]

I am secondary teacher. I will probably be flamed for this but I have found it be ‘underclass’ and the children of wealthy ‘middle class’ parents who tend to use drugs. Obviously this is a huge generalisation and it does not mean most children from these backgrounds do drugs.

[PollyPelargonium52]

I knew a lovely woman who had 3 children on her own she always used to say she did not let her teens 'roam' and always knew how long they would be out and who they were with.

Perhaps that is the crux of it. Apart from making sure there are no weapons or drugs of course.

[PollyPelargonium52]

flissfloss I think I worded the thread a bit wrong. What I mean is it is such a contrast from the primary school I am left wondering if this is just normal these days and I am being too out of touch. Ds knows I do not sanction a knife whatsoever.

Who is to say if I forbid him to socialise with this boy there will be another one he wishes to socialise with equally worrying?

[flissfloss65]

You seemed to be worrying about irrelevant issues regarding class. Worry about your ds being around another child carrying a knife. That really is dangerous.

[Shakey15000]

Nope. I wouldn’t want my DS hanging round with someone who carries a bloody knife either

It may be a poor turn of phrase using “iffy” but I know what you mean. There’s a gang of young teens around my area that have been seen spitting at folk, throwing things at cars and terrorising younger kids at the park.

Snob or no snob how would someone describe them?? Dysfunctional? Naughty?

[PollyPelargonium52]

Yes meglet it worries me too but I think the problem is quite widespread and luckily he only hung out with the boy for an hour on Friday before he went back to the girl's house and as her family were in I have no problem with him hanging around there now and again. I think socialising problably goes through phases with children and I would just like a bit of insight and guidance.

Thus far ds has shown no interest in having even so much as a drink and he seems to understand that there is nothing smart about taking drugs.

I just don't want to be too precious either and stop him seeing more and more people as it seems the ones he appears to be pick who are new friends are the more wild type....

Like I say perhaps I have been in a bubble up until now.

[megletthesecond]

The knife thing would send me through the roof polly. And the vaping .

DS has a year until secondary school and I dread the day I don't know who his mates are.

[PollyPelargonium52]

No I am not happy about it either Wishful ....I think the problem may be quite rife though.

[Wishfulmakeupping]

Would I want my child hanging around with someone who carries a knife- not a bloody chance! Forget the rest that's beyond ridiculous absolutely not!

[PollyPelargonium52]

I am not rich.

I just did not realise there would be so many families with so many issues.

I expect I am a bit out of touch as this is my first child and it is only secondary school that has brought these issues to light.

I would not let my child carry a weapon hence I say 'iffy' family' nor would I let my child stay up all hours on a school night nor would I let them drink plenty of booze nor would I let them sell cannabis.

Luckily ds shows no interest in smoking cannabis or taking drugs. He said the vape had no nicotine in it just some blueberry oil. I was more pleased he told me to be honest and we have discussed drugs together and their hazards plenty of times so we have a good dialogue.

I am very happy he has started to mix as this was worrying me. I have no issues with him socialising at all.

Perhaps I am just grossly out of touch.

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

You sound like a complete snob.

[OnASummersDay]

"Ds went to a very middle class primary school but for the past year or so since secondary I have found the general cross section of families is quite unimpressive. Perhaps this is just a sign of the age we are in?"

Are you being serious? The 'cross-section of families is unimpressive'? 'Iffy families'? 'Not very impressed with the backgrounds'? I don't think I've ever seen a more judgemental, unkind post in my life.

Apologies that not all of the people around you can be rich, middle-class and from 'nice' backgrounds.

What gives you the right to say this?

[Swizzlesticks23]

Sorry I'm confused.

Are you unhappy his going out a lot or that his friends are not as posh as you'd hoped ?

[PollyPelargonium52]

Sorry I meant to type lower middle class town - that is how I would define it (I have lived elsewhere in the UK prior to here). We are stuck for the duration as I can't afford to move or put him in a (worse) school.