Losing control

[loopdaloop]

Just ha another major spat with DS. He's 12, couldn't did a pen, flipped his lid, started throwing things, then repeatedly told me to eff off!
I've told him in no uncertain terms he's grounded for the week. Off he flies again, the bags are packed and he's not coming home from school tomorrow he's moving the grandmas (ex h mums).
I don't get on with her at all, attempted reconciliation with her last week and he told me where to go!
Why can't he understand that his actions / bad behaviour has a consequence? He lived with dad previously but due to a child protection issue he's now with me.

[inthename]

Its a balancing act. Personally I find mine gets the 'so what' attitude when he's really hurting about something and if you can make time to chat (whilst doing dishes etc so its not obvious!) it can really help.
Have a think about what he values. Be it losing x amount of money for unacceptable behaviour which can be 'won back' for turning the situation around.
I go for the warning followed by consequence - so if hes rude 'you have to the count of 3 to apologise or x happens.
For example, ds gets rude, I warn him then if it continues I tell him to leave the room and he has to go and cool down. More serious things he loses his pocket money.
Sometimes ds and I both have to realise that we're baiting each other through tiredness etc so we both seperate, I go and read in my room and he potters about in his room.
He is old enough to know that leaving lessons isn't acceptable but they also need to make sure no one is needling him by commenting on his situation.

[loopdaloop]

Thanks. Im struggling with the consequences. hes refused to go to school the last few days, Ive literally had to drag him him, then he left mid lesson!
A teacher sat and explaned TWICE why he cant do that.
Ive tried to be as honest as possible why he has to stay with me and Im in the throws of submitting an emergency residence order this week. he just has such a "so what" attitude.
Going / playing out is all he likes to do, he hates to stay in.
What other punishment could I do for a 12 yr old? hes not really bothered if I take his phone / tbalet, not really much interest.

[inthename]

sounds like he has lots going on. most 12 yr old boys gp through this sort of behaviour without the added other stuff hes going through, I'd imagine that hes doing this because you are the 'safe place' (I'm a single parent too with a ds same age so can understand a little, though mine normally tells me hes going to my mums)
Can you lay the boundaries without using grounding? I've found it doesn't work as our children know that because there is a split in the family they can always threaten to leave.
I'd sit down with him and calmly lay out your expectations and the consequences in your home, he may have been living with a different set of rules for a while?
Then, once those expectations are clear, you deliver the consequence when he breaks a boundary and he knows exactly what the consequence will be.
Does he fully understand why he can't be with his dad at the moment or has explanation had to be vague?
My ds got very angry with me when he thought I was stopping him seeing his dad at certain times but calmed down when another adult explained why it had to be like that.